Torn about abortion

[Sunlo]

Using a throw away account for obvious reasons. I appreciate that internet is probably not the best place to turn to but I am completely confused about what to do.

I am 5 weeks pregnant, it was unplanned and a surprise and we use contraception.

My partner (26m) and I (25f) have been together about a year and have just had an offer accepted on our first house, so we are certain we want to be together.

I was initially really happy about the pregnancy, I’ve been wanting children for a while now however I am still young (will be 26 when baby Is born) and was not planning kids for another couple of years.

My partner is really unsure, his concerns are finances as we only earn about £72000 between us a year. Childcare, as I will need to return to work after around 6 months to ensure we can afford our lifestyle and mortgage payments. His preference would be to abort and try again in a year or so once we are more settled.

We have supportive family, my mum is excited (I told her to try and ease my nerves) and his mum has already offered childcare a couple of days if we choose to keep it.

I will also add we are concerned as due to the ongoing house move we will not be able to save up as much as we would like for when the baby arrives, every penny is going on the house.

I am just so torn about what to do. Yes we are young, and perhaps this is not the right time but I worry if I terminate now I may never conceive again in the future.

I will add my only real concern is work, can I still progress in my career. I am well overdue a payrise and promotion, will this still happen if I tell them I am pregnant or will they make it difficult for me. I like my career and I want to be successful. I worry I will have to sacrifice which would be ok I guess but my partner does not earn much more than me so I can’t even go part time.

I have a consultation for abortion on Friday so maybe they will help as I really do not know what to do!!!!

Mostly just a vent but any advice or words are welcome.

Thank you.

To be fair money isn't the biggest issue - £72k between you is a much higher household income than most people in the UK have.

What matters is whether you both really want the baby (and your voice weighs most heavily here) and whether you will be able to manage the practicalities.

Childcare is the biggest expense in terms of having a baby - everything else can be sourced second hand (except for mattress and car seats)

The career penalties for motherhood are very real and only you can judge whether your employers are going to be dicks about it, whether you will need to take a sideways move for a while or whether it will be OK. It's definitely worth talking it through and thinking it through so that whatever decision you take, you're at peace with it.

I wish you all the very best, whatever you decide.

The way that reads to me you know what you really want but need to admit it to yourself.

Career wise is much likely to change in the next year? I personally don’t think I would put it off for that reason. You could argue having children younger and then being back in the workplace at a younger age allows more progression then.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Well for a start 26 is not that young to be having a child. It's scary and it's a huge step, but it will be those things and more whenever you have a child. It just is.

Nobody can tell you what to do, it's your body. But if you think there's some magical perfect time to have a baby with no hurdles in your way then there really isnt.

Regarding baby stuff babies really don't need a lot.. So much is bought for you or given away. You can get a lot second hand if you choose to, the only thing id spend much money on is a careseat and cot mattress.

72k is more than most people's joint income when they have their first dc

@pointythings good point re money, and I did not wish my post to sound tone death as I appreciate a lot of people earn much less than us and still have families.

I guess the biggest concern is child care but agree it’s not too much of an issue on our income.

Thank you for responding so quickly.

Pregnancy choices might be best place.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy would get married because, sadly, motherhood can have a significant negative impact on earnings, work etc. Or work full time and don’t make any more compromises as regards your work than your DP does.

In your financial considerations, wouldn’t rely on family providing free childcare, since that’s dependent on goodwill, and all being well, so you need confidence you could afford childcare.

72k is an amazing income for your ages. We were 26 and had a mortgage/earned jointly 55k and had no savings when we had our first.

5 years on and we are so much more financially secure. Joint income of 98k and several thousands in savings.
I didn't have a career to progress in so I can't speak for that part.

Babies aren't expensive, children are. Only you can really decide what you want to do but go with your heart.

I'm expecting my third child, wish we earned £72k between us!!

It sounds like you know what you want.

If you decide to keep the baby push for the pay rise before you tell them about the pregnancy.

Thank you for all your comments.

I just want to add a disclaimer that I understand our income is good, and many bring up families on a lot less. I guess we are just unsure of child care costs, wether I can continue my career full time, actual costs of baby stuff etc

I appreciate the financial side of this is not the big issue here.

The issue is more are we ready for a baby with a house move coming, how young we are, can my partner make the sacrifices required to be a good father or will he end up resenting me in the long run if I choose to keep it. Every time I talk about it I can just see the panic in his face and it feels so unfair putting this on him when he isn’t 100% ready.

Thank you

Only 72k

Obviously it’s completely your choice and you are sensible to consider the financials, but realistically there is never a perfect time to have a child. From what you have said it sounds like you have a stable relationship, good family support, stable income and stable living situation. You ain’t gonna get much better than that.

The eye watering childcare bills are for a relatively short period of time and then they get early years funding/go to school and it gets easier. You don’t have to buy all the stuff when you have a baby, a car seat, a pram and somewhere for them to sleep are the essentials. The less expensive ones are fine!

That’s not saying that just because you CAN, you SHOULD have a child. Do you want one? You need to be able to live with whatever decision you make.

OP I'm 26. I have two children. I had my first at 23 and second at 25. But we had been together 5 years when I conceived the first and already had a house together. The pregnancy was planned.

Money wise we've been absolutely fine. Our earnings are slightly higher than yours but not drastically but obviously mortgage costs and childcare costs depend on where you are.

I guess the real issue is having a baby your boyfriend isn't ready for. Do you think he'll resent you? Would you resent him if you aborted?

How would you cope if the baby had a disability (this can obviously happen with any baby - some disabilities are detectable and some aren't but would he blame you)? How would you cope if you aborted and then struggled to conceive again?

Don't answer the questions we're throwing at you for us. Have a chat with him about everything. If you're going to do this you need to be a team.

A year is really gonna make no odds on finances. I think you will regret

I think if the overriding reason is your boyfriend being panicked then you may well come to regret it. Nobody should be able to guilt you into aborting.

Talk to some women at work if you can - how does the company treat pregnant women / parents? What are their experiences? Are they flexible?

And i appreciate it’s a good income, but if you have been planning on relying on every penny of it to afford your house, then childcare costs of potentially over £1000k per month may be crippling. Do some sums and see if it feels possible.

I can’t think how to tactfully phrase this, but if you got pregnant while on contraception, and you are both still young, there’s a very good chance you’ll still be ok to conceive in a couple of years time. Take a breath, talk about it with your partner, try not to panic.

You arnt that young, you earn good money, you’ve got someone to help with childcare so you can keep costs down and continue progressing your career, you will own your own house, and are considering a baby in a year or so anyway…. But most importantly you want this baby by the sound of it, aborting because of a partner can lead to relationship problems longer term and you sound quite well set up to me. A huge amount of people feel panicked at first, it’s normal, you’ve got a while to prepare yet. Whatever you decide is absolutely fine, you don’t have to keep the baby because you have money, or for any other reason, but make sure it is what YOU want.

I don't think a year will make any difference to finances. You may take years to conceive again. Nothing is certain.

If you’re unsure of how your DP might be as a father and partner to you long term, would also reflect on waiting before buying a property together.

Also, suggest not starting with the assumption that you’d be the one to go PT: that would be unwise if unmarried.

The £72k wages depends where you are really, if in central London and you're going to be mortgaged up to your eyeballs then it's not that high, if you're anywhere else then it is a high wage, either way it's irrelevant really. You can spend as much or as little on a baby as you want. Yes if you want everything brand new, designer labels etc it will cost a lot. If you do have second hand though you wouldn't need to tell anyone if you didn't want to! The biggest expense will be childcare when you go back to work. Do your work offer enhanced maternity pay?

@Loopytiles I am not concerned about how he would be as a father / partner, he has said himself he would not regret the baby once it was here but his practical side is saying to wait!

@mummyh2016 I get full pay until 26 weeks and then SMP from 26 to 40. After 40 weeks I can use my holiday. I think this is called the enhanced maternity and seems good to me but I do not know what is usually offered in UK. Pretty clueless on most things baby related to be honest!

If you're planning on going back after 6 months anyway you won't be taking any drop in earnings, it would just be the childcare to pay when you go back but you would have that if you delayed pregnancy by a year anyway. I only get statutory maternity pay, this week is my 6th week so last week of getting 90% before it drops to a pitiful amount of £150 a week so yours sounds amazing!
I had an abortion when I was 20, it was a no brainier for me and I never considered keeping the baby, and whilst I don't think there is a woman in the world that has been 100% in the right place and the right time to have a baby (there's always a reason not to) I couldn't really look after myself so I knew it definitely was not something that I could do. That was 12 years ago, I now have 2 children and have never regretted having the abortion. I get that you're older than I was but reading your post you're nothing like how I was and it reads that you want this baby. Good luck OP in whatever you choose to do.

Yes I would say that you want this baby and your partner is just panicked.

Good luck

His preference would be to abort and try again in a year or so once we are more settled.

This is completely your choice BUT, if my partner wanted me to abort a child for the sake of it being a year too soon, when you have a good income and will have your own house together very soon, I’d tell him that wasn’t happening. It’s a year sooner than planned, that’s all. A year isn’t going to make him magically prepared to be a father so he’ll just have to get on with it if you choose to go ahead. If you were not planning kids for 10 years, it would be different. I would be concerned at his lack of concern for you going through with an abortion and all that can bring, emotionally and physically, because it’s bit sooner than planned.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, against his preference, he’d be unreasonable to resent your decision. If he is a good partner and person he’ll step up.

A year or two is unlikely to make much difference with respect to his ‘readiness’.