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Original poster

Torn about abortion

54 replies

Sunlo · 09/03/2022 15:38

Using a throw away account for obvious reasons. I appreciate that internet is probably not the best place to turn to but I am completely confused about what to do.

I am 5 weeks pregnant, it was unplanned and a surprise and we use contraception.

My partner (26m) and I (25f) have been together about a year and have just had an offer accepted on our first house, so we are certain we want to be together.

I was initially really happy about the pregnancy, I’ve been wanting children for a while now however I am still young (will be 26 when baby Is born) and was not planning kids for another couple of years.

My partner is really unsure, his concerns are finances as we only earn about £72000 between us a year. Childcare, as I will need to return to work after around 6 months to ensure we can afford our lifestyle and mortgage payments. His preference would be to abort and try again in a year or so once we are more settled.

We have supportive family, my mum is excited (I told her to try and ease my nerves) and his mum has already offered childcare a couple of days if we choose to keep it.

I will also add we are concerned as due to the ongoing house move we will not be able to save up as much as we would like for when the baby arrives, every penny is going on the house.

I am just so torn about what to do. Yes we are young, and perhaps this is not the right time but I worry if I terminate now I may never conceive again in the future.

I will add my only real concern is work, can I still progress in my career. I am well overdue a payrise and promotion, will this still happen if I tell them I am pregnant or will they make it difficult for me. I like my career and I want to be successful. I worry I will have to sacrifice which would be ok I guess but my partner does not earn much more than me so I can’t even go part time.

I have a consultation for abortion on Friday so maybe they will help as I really do not know what to do!!!!

Mostly just a vent but any advice or words are welcome.

Thank you.

OP posts:
irishfarmer · 09/03/2022 17:11

I also think from reading this that you want the baby. 26 isn't really that young. Granted younger than a lot of people plan.

Do you want the baby? Also career stalling, that will happen whenever you get pregnant, but it might not be as bad as you think. A good friend of mine at 24 got pregnant during her training contact (accountant) the firm were really good about it. She had the baby, took her maternity, came back and qualified. Last I spoke with her she is an audit manager for one of the big four firm so doing pretty well!!

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 09/03/2022 17:22

His attitude is weird...... The week I had my ds we'd just bought a house and my dp lost his job! We worked through it. Obviously we couldn't send ds back because shit happens.
You're both in a good position as you are now and each to their own, but I couldn't be with a man who guilted me into terminating on his own whim. I wouldn't trust one either......

I think you should do what suits you. But do I think you should try to get pregnant with him next year? Absolutely not. He's already showing you what sort of a man he is 😬

ouch321 · 09/03/2022 17:26

Beep beep beep

Stealth brag alert!

I sense you don't have the maturity to raise a child.

AlmostMaybe · 09/03/2022 17:30

ouch321

What is she bragging about? £72000 between them. You do realise that is £36000 each, higher than average wage but not by that much.

Whitestar55 · 09/03/2022 17:32

Personally if I was planning on having children at any point, I would seriously keep this pregnancy. Conception isn't guaranteed and supposing you had problems conceiving again, how would it affect you? I think both you and your partner are just panicking at the initial shock and realisation that you have the chance of a baby now. You sound to me like you want this baby and I'm concerned an abortion would traumatise you. You sound like you are both actually in a reasonable position to support a child and would probably be in the same position in 2 years anyway, as time goes fast. It is your decision, your life, of course, but if you really want a baby, I would keep this one. Property, finances, lifestyle can all be controlled and changed to a degree, but having children is at the mercy of nature. Best wishes whatever you decide, but honestly it's not worth risking giving up this baby for the sake of a couple of years in my opinion.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/03/2022 17:35

26 isn't young to be having kids,I had 4 children by the time I turned 25.

Your income is really decent;most of us raise multiple kids on less than half of that.

A lot of us mums on here have had kids when maternity leave was only 26 weeks long and we managed perfectly fine.

Your partners mum has offered childcare at least two days a week possibly three from what you've said so that cuts done childcare costs by at least 40-60% and you could consider a childminder rather than a nursery.

The issue I can see from your post is that your partner isn't ready to be a dad yet and doesn't want to give up his current lifestyle.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 09/03/2022 17:36

He will either step up now, or he’s not worth keeping anyway.

Dont assume you will have another chance. My friend did that. It was a mistake.

You make enough money, have offers or help and are in good health.

Whatdramain2022 · 09/03/2022 17:40

@Sunlo

Thank you for all your comments.

I just want to add a disclaimer that I understand our income is good, and many bring up families on a lot less. I guess we are just unsure of child care costs, wether I can continue my career full time, actual costs of baby stuff etc

I appreciate the financial side of this is not the big issue here.

The issue is more are we ready for a baby with a house move coming, how young we are, can my partner make the sacrifices required to be a good father or will he end up resenting me in the long run if I choose to keep it. Every time I talk about it I can just see the panic in his face and it feels so unfair putting this on him when he isn’t 100% ready.

Thank you Smile

If he's not ready at the age he is now and on the income you have, he'll never be ready. As PPs have said, you don't know if you can easily conceive again. My friend had no problem with her first and has never been able to get pregnant again. You've told family that you're pregnant. How do they feel about him wanting you to abort and wait for a year? I continued with my pregnancy when my ex was almost forcing me to terminate. I've never regretted having my DD.
Hmum0fthree · 09/03/2022 17:54

@Sunlo what you need to think about is if you go through with it and end up regretting it could you then live with that regret?

muckandnettles · 09/03/2022 18:08

There's never a perfect time to have a baby and they aren't just something you can put back a year or so - it's no small thing to have an abortion and I can't believe he thinks it's fine to suggest that. I think he is being unrealistic to think that will work, so he needs to step up now.

mummyh2016 · 09/03/2022 18:24

@ouch321

Beep beep beep

Stealth brag alert!

I sense you don't have the maturity to raise a child.

The average UK wage is just over £31k, £36k each isn't much higher Confused
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/03/2022 18:26

Average wage is irrelevant as the significantly high wages will be skewing the data.

Cuddlemuffin · 09/03/2022 18:29

It might be a good idea to go for some couples counseling so you have a third person mediating the conversation about this. You will be both have to accept responsibility for whichever decision you make as otherwise one of you will be resenting the other. Good luck with whatever you choose to do x

mummyh2016 · 09/03/2022 18:30

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Average wage is irrelevant as the significantly high wages will be skewing the data.
Like I said earlier the wages depend on where the OP lives really. A small town in the north east of England then yes the wages are very high. Central London then no they aren't high.
AdamRyan · 09/03/2022 18:35

I think you also need to think about your parents/MIL.
At the moment they can offer childcare- lovely for them and potential grandchild, will save you loads. That could change quite quickly.

I had my first at 26 and having young grandparents was so helpful and also valuable to my children and to them.

I also don't think that much will change at work in a year, and if you don't stop work you will not have too much impact to your career hopefully

THEDEACON · 09/03/2022 18:37

You have a decent salary you aren't all that young Can you live with my he guilt of abortion (even those who want one 100% have a degree of guilt) How would you feel if you didn't get pregnant as easily again ?? All things to consider but your body and your decision

mrsbitaly · 09/03/2022 18:42

I really feel for you. You both need to be on the same page and want to go Into it together without one having a doubt. Maybe take time to have a look at childcare costs in your area, what your outgoings will be, what support family have said they could give and if its definate. With regards to work it may mean putting things on hold for a year or 2 but your views and priorities may change by then.

You really don't need to spend much on babies you don't have to buy brand new apart from a car seat.

Really talk to your partner about both options and the impact it will have either way.

I wish you all the best in whichever choice you make 🥰

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/03/2022 18:43

Its not only income, its outgoings as well.

You need to both sit down and look and finances... maternity pay, paternity/SPL, childcare costs.
Mortgage/utilities, council tax etc
Lifestyle... holidays? Takeaways? Fancy sky package?

Its very easy to say £72k is a lot, but it can soon disappear in mortgage payments, car payments, careless spending etc.

Then there's the emotional side... do you want a baby right now? 25 is young in the sense that there's plenty of child rearing years left, but not exactly a young mother.

Good luck with your decision

(BTW... DH and I had our eldest when we were 25&27, then our younger child a year and half later. Never regretted it.)

mrsbitaly · 09/03/2022 18:43

@Cuddlemuffin

It might be a good idea to go for some couples counseling so you have a third person mediating the conversation about this. You will be both have to accept responsibility for whichever decision you make as otherwise one of you will be resenting the other. Good luck with whatever you choose to do x
This is good advice too as its such a massive life long decision to make
maltesers99 · 09/03/2022 18:51

There is never a perfect time to have a baby, but you have a great income for your ages, stability with a new house and seem level headed. It is scary, it always is, but you will manage - especially with the offer of help from your mum.
Think about how you will feel if you do abort - will it make you resent your partner? From the tone of your posts you seem like you would like to keep it and so you should...
Don't think too much about childcare and maternity and so on. Childcare can be arranged and you can make it work - if you want to keep it.
There is never a perfect time, but you are in a steady position right now. And fertility is never guaranteed.

Christmas1988 · 09/03/2022 18:57

Just so you are aware, most people have a ‘wobble’ and an ‘oh my goddess what have I done’ moment when having their first child. It’s super scary and the time never feels right, sometimes you just need to go with it and get on with things. I really wouldn’t worry about only having £72k that’s more than most earn and cope with childcare and baby costs the only reason to abort is because you don’t want a baby yet, it’s totally up to you but make sure you are sure and don’t let money get in the way of your decision.

Kfjsjdbd · 09/03/2022 18:57

I was in a very similar situation. It’s so so overwhelming when you are first pregnant, whether it’s planned or not.

I would say that my DH had the same attitude as yours. We went ahead with the pregnancy. He’s now the most devoted dad, in fact he is a much better dad than I am a mum.

Having said all that, whatever reason you want to have an abortion is a good enough reason. We are so lucky to live in a country with free choice.

Imanidiotiknow · 09/03/2022 18:59

I wouldn't have an abortion for the sake of a year, I really don't see practical wise what your concerns are, you're in a stable position. It boils down to him not feeling ready, which most people don't 100%.

Equally though I couldn't abort my baby because of someone else not feeling ready, he has the option to have no involvement if he feels that strongly. Don't be coerced into something you feel like you'd regret down the line

WomblingWilma · 09/03/2022 19:05

Whoa! Easy for your DP to say to ‘get rid of it, not ready, we’ll have one next year.’ He’s not the one going to go through it! Red flags galore OP and you’ve only been with him a year. It would have different if you’d not been happy about it and he agreed.

TBF I’m totally pro-choice and have had an abortion myself which I don’t regret but I’d probably struggle pretty badly emotionally with having a baby a year after aborting a pregnancy I was initially happy about just because my DP wanted to wait a bit longer to save some money. I’d be constantly wondering what the first pregnancy would have turned into and would end up hating him.

Findingneeemo · 09/03/2022 19:07

Make the decision that feels right for you.

If you do have the baby then - Make sure you Push for the payrise before you tell them you are pregnant.

Don’t be tempted to give up your career to ‘save on childcare’. Very shortsighted.