Careers for unlikeable people

[Notatio]

I've never really been liked by anybody. I had very few friends as a child and I've had none at all since I was a preteen. I was managed out of my first proper job and they told me to get a job where I never have to speak to anybody. Obviously, jobs where you have no colleagues, manager, customers, clients, etc. to talk to are basically non-existent so as much as I'm not against the suggestion that I stay away from people, it's easier said than done.

I work in retail and have worked in warehouses in the past. I'm fairly intelligent and a hard worker so I do ok in unskilled work. I don't need to be babysat like some people and get to work alone most of the time so nobody's that fussed that people dislike me.

Is there another option? I feel like there are probably individual workplaces that would tolerate me but there's no way of knowing that in advance. It's not like you can call up and ask if they're ok with hiring somebody nobody will like.

I was just more plain-spoken and opinionated than those people thought a young woman ought to be

oh yes this - I had the "abrasive" feedback in my 20s. And yes as I've got older I've learnt to be more tactful, but had I been male I doubt I would have needed to be ;)

I'd look into gardening/garden maintenance/farm work/kennels/stables if that interests you
Or a lighthouse keeper , I do understand where you are coming from though. Hope it all works out for you @Notatio

I’m quite unlikable (I don’t know why - I’m opinionated and blunt. But I’m also kind and loyal and patient ?)
I work nights in a job where I can be myself for long periods, no customers /clients -but you still have to be able to work in the team occasionally
No one on my team would care if I left or not , but that’s ok: I’ve got friends IRL

They also will speak to me if there’s no one else better to, so I’m polite now but that’s about it.

Op, what was your childhood like?

Could you tutor Excel.
Or is that a thing of the past - I'm quite out of date.
But I don't think people need to like their tutor and presuming they are paying privately for the lessons will just want to learn not make a friend.

I don't think that I'm an arsehole but I know that I'm the problem. I'm highly strung, bit of a worrier, bit awkward, very particular, I've been told that I'm both too serious and immature.

I get frustrated about things that nobody else cares about... I can think 'that doesn't really matter' but I feel almost restless when things aren't 'right'. It matters to me even if it doesn't matter to anybody else.

As a kid, I got called rude and ignorant a lot. When I was 12, my RE teacher told me that I'm 'just not a very nice person'. I'd love for it all to just be in my head but unfortunately, it's not.

Or a lighthouse keeper grin

I love the sound of those 'caretake our uninhabited island' jobs that appear on the news sometimes More realistically, I studied graphic design and then accounting but clients.

I'm in my early 30s and I've always worked, mostly stacking shelves. Bit of warehouse work and that one highly unsuccessful admin job.

Op, what was your childhood like?

In what way? I had a best friend who moved away at the start of high school. Apart from her, I've never really had anybody. I've got a younger brother and sister who have totally normal lives. I spent a lot of time inside my head, had a whole fantasy village and ten years ago, I would've said schizoid personality disorder describes me exactly but I can't imagine anymore.

Any sort of assessment is not for me. I don't want to be told what's wrong with me. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

This is getting ridiculously long and I've probably missed some questions but I do appreciate all the suggestions and advice, thanks.

Given that description, I really would caution against ruling out a neurodiversity condition.

I'm not ruling out that I would get a diagnosis of autism but I don't think it'd be helpful. There are huge NHS waiting lists, undoubtedly people who need assessment a lot more than I do or spending a lot of money to go private for something that I don't think would benefit me. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think the average person has anywhere near the knowledge of neurodiversity that a diagnosis would make any difference to how I'm seen.

When I was a teenager I used to dream of having a job in a lighthouse so that I'd be as far away from people as I could (unrealistic I know). I too have thought of myself as unlikeable, as a poison to friendships and because I always seem to cause trouble in workplaces, unemployable .

@Notatio

I'm not ruling out that I would get a diagnosis of autism but I don't think it'd be helpful. There are huge NHS waiting lists, undoubtedly people who need assessment a lot more than I do or spending a lot of money to go private for something that I don't think would benefit me. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think the average person has anywhere near the knowledge of neurodiversity that a diagnosis would make any difference to how I'm seen.

It might make an enormous difference to how you see yourself though. And be a good place for you to start in understanding your social experiences.

It is unlikely that you are simply unlikeable even if you’ve come across that way in many situations in your life.

Notatio Mon 07-Mar-22 11:34:07
I don't think that I'm an arsehole but I know that I'm the problem. I'm highly strung, bit of a worrier, bit awkward, very particular, I've been told that I'm both too serious and immature.

I get frustrated about things that nobody else cares about... I can think 'that doesn't really matter' but I feel almost restless when things aren't 'right'. It matters to me even if it doesn't matter to anybody else.

As a kid, I got called rude and ignorant a lot. When I was 12, my RE teacher told me that I'm 'just not a very nice person'. I'd love for it all to just be in my head but unfortunately, it's not.
.....................................................................................................................
Archivist might be a good job for you, I had a friend who was an archivist and he had no friends :-). He didn't make enemies, he was just rather ..... different, quirky even. For example he had a hobby of taking photographs of crescents in London for posterity.

Library assistant might work for you, it's a quiet environment.

It takes all sorts.

The characteristics you point out in the part of post I quoted above, can surely be worked on and controlled. You can 'let it all out' when you're on your own.

Your RE teacher should never have said you were not a very nice person. Honestly, that was awful. Don't live down to that remark! Nobody is 'nice' all the time and there are some people who act too 'nice'.

I didn't have friends until I was older and people used to say horrible things to and about me (including my mother and teachers), some of which contradicted each other; I learned to hide my feelings and that didn't always work :-).

When I was older and more confident I made friends. However I never sought friendships and am not a people pleaser; I like my own company too.

You talked of seeking an apprenticeship so I am assuming you are still fairly young, in which case you have time. Make a new start, if you still live with parents, try to move out. If there are things that interest you or at which you are quite good, find a hobby that includes one of those. Be yourself and be independent.

Good luck.

i can see that above I said I had a friend who had no friends! Obviously he had me for a while but he moved away, it was years ago.

Why do you even WANT to be liked at work?

Far better to be respected for how well you do the job.

@Notatio

I don't think that I'm an arsehole but I know that I'm the problem. I'm highly strung, bit of a worrier, bit awkward, very particular, I've been told that I'm both too serious and immature.

I get frustrated about things that nobody else cares about... I can think 'that doesn't really matter' but I feel almost restless when things aren't 'right'. It matters to me even if it doesn't matter to anybody else.

As a kid, I got called rude and ignorant a lot. When I was 12, my RE teacher told me that I'm 'just not a very nice person'. I'd love for it all to just be in my head but unfortunately, it's not.

Or a lighthouse keeper grin

I love the sound of those 'caretake our uninhabited island' jobs that appear on the news sometimes More realistically, I studied graphic design and then accounting but clients.

I'm in my early 30s and I've always worked, mostly stacking shelves. Bit of warehouse work and that one highly unsuccessful admin job.

Op, what was your childhood like?

In what way? I had a best friend who moved away at the start of high school. Apart from her, I've never really had anybody. I've got a younger brother and sister who have totally normal lives. I spent a lot of time inside my head, had a whole fantasy village and ten years ago, I would've said schizoid personality disorder describes me exactly but I can't imagine anymore.

Any sort of assessment is not for me. I don't want to be told what's wrong with me. I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

This is getting ridiculously long and I've probably missed some questions but I do appreciate all the suggestions and advice, thanks.

With regards to your childhood, what was your relationship like with your parents? Do you feel it was a happy childhood? Abusive? Were your needs met? Were you and your siblings cast into 'roles'? Like the clever one, sporty one etc.

I agree with 2bazookas but being liked does help a bit.

OP, I wanted to add, please don't go around with a burden about this hanging over you. That will show and make you vulnerable. Please move on and grow in confidence.

Have you considered para legal or some sort of legal assistant type role? Worrying over tiny details and needing to get them just right is a really useful attribute for some of that work, especially things like conveyancing.

@mnnewbie111

Not gonna lie, I told someone they need a job more suitable for them too because they were really really shit to the customers which affects me as I was getting bad reviews because of it. And she was terrible. Rude, lazy, uninterested. No point in lying if you have to let them go, I genuinely told her for her own good why she wasn't right for my place, in the hope she will sort it out

That's different though. Plenty (most?) of people aren't good at customer service, but OK with colleagues.

I just get the sense that at some point in your life, way before that horrible first job you had, somebody crushed your self esteem? As other people have said, please don't ingest other peoples opinions of you. I know that is very easy to say. Don't let the world be your judge. I'd really recommend you have some counselling but recognise that therapy is expensive. If you would like to do some reading for free online, I'd look into 'conditions of worth'. This theory was put forward by a man called Carl Rogers who was a pioneer of person centred therapy. I get the sense that someone along the way has told you, who you are and you haven't had the chance to learn who you actually are. Absolutely echo what other people have said about bullies sniffing out others' vulnerability. Take care and best wishes.

@2bazookas

Why do you even WANT to be liked at work?

Far better to be respected for how well you do the job.

Hard disagree with this. I remember reading tributes to a person who had died. They were full of 'respect' but also mentions of her strong personality and how she was respected 'even if we didn't see eye to eye'. I thought then that it wasn't what I'd want people to think of me. I still am disliked by some people though. It's not an easy thing to change.

@Stompythedinosaur

I don't think you need a job on your own, just a job where your colleagues aren't arseholes.

I'd agree with that. There are always two sides to any story. I experienced similar in one of my first jobs where I literally didn't/couldn't get on with the other staff around me. I was made to feel like I was the problem. I got out pretty quickly, but that experience really affected me and I started to doubt myself. In my next job, I was a lot more self-aware/self conscious about what I did, what I said, etc., which made it very stressful, and it took a long time to realise that I was pretty normal after all but I'd unwittingly created barriers around me which were hard to break down. Since then, I've just "been me" and never had problems like that since. Of course, there is always going to be the odd person (staff, client, supplier etc) that I don't particularly get on with and wouldn't socialise with, but in a working situation it's fine - in fact, it's pretty normal not to get on with everyone around you. To the OP, I'd say to chill out and give it another try. The less you deal with other people, the worse you'll become.

@Gwenhwyfar

That's different though. Plenty (most?) of people aren't good at customer service, but OK with colleagues.

Funnily enough, I'm the opposite. I've rarely had any problem with clients (and I've literally dealt with hundreds of clients over my 38 year working life), but have rarely felt fully at ease with co-workers. I've worked it out that I prefer short-term interactions, i.e. meeting a succession of clients for a few hours every month, quarter or year suits me better than being sat in the same room as other co-workers for 37 hours per week, 47 weeks of the year. Same with friends/family, I prefer to see more people occasionally rather than a fewer number more frequently. I just prefer spreading myself out rather than concentrating myself on a small number of people.

Like others, hearing you describe yourself as unlikeable jars for me - unless you are truly awful, swearing at people, bitching about them, being rude etc, I don't think it's likely. I do think it's possible that you don't do well with ongoing social situations and perhaps you read cues wrong or, as you say, get a bit obsessed by something and that makes people uncomfortable. If you're not willing to work on that, then the trick is to fin da job where ongoing social interaction is not needed - assuming you're perfectly capable of being polite etc then any job that involves you working alone, even if it is providing a service, should be fine.

Do you do anything you could sell on Etsy? I believe that sometimes there are design jobs via online boards etc? Cleaner/dogwalker/housesitter all involve working alone and as long as you are polite, efficient and effective, you don't need to become "friends" with your clients.

Bookkeeper could work but you might need to be part of a bigger team - perhaps in a post covid world, being able to wfh would solve for that.

Data entry/data analysis - depending on what you do, might require training.

@Satsumaeater

I was just more plain-spoken and opinionated than those people thought a young woman ought to be

oh yes this - I had the "abrasive" feedback in my 20s. And yes as I've got older I've learnt to be more tactful, but had I been male I doubt I would have needed to be ;)

Haha! I had this too!

Was very confused at the time as I wanted to understand how what I said was wrong and the manager kept saying that everything I said was correct ‘technically’ but apparently it undermined more senior staff whose knowledge might not be so up to date.

I was quite upset at the time as the whole conversation was nonsensical and the more I asked for clarification on what I was meant to be taking away, the worse her explanation sounded. At one point I suggested she should maybe work on improving the knowledge of the folk who felt undermined as it must be upsetting for them not to know basic information about their supposed area of expertise but that I wasn’t clear now me (correctly) explaining something to a client made that worse for them.

I fear she felt I was decidedly opinionated, for one so young…….

@Notatio

I'm not ruling out that I would get a diagnosis of autism but I don't think it'd be helpful. There are huge NHS waiting lists, undoubtedly people who need assessment a lot more than I do or spending a lot of money to go private for something that I don't think would benefit me. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think the average person has anywhere near the knowledge of neurodiversity that a diagnosis would make any difference to how I'm seen.

You sound clever and articulate to me.

I would recommend trying to get into an area where you can become an ‘expert’ in a niche area. Quirky traits are tolerated more there. And lots of men have social communication issues at work that are tolerated more readily if they have expertise - don’t let being a woman hinder you if you think a man would be valued in the same situation.

My first thought was gardener. You'll need to have exchanges with clients, but there is no expectation that the client wouid be a friend, so that could be manageable. Then you get to work independently, doing something creative out of doors, without having to talk to anyone

Obviously you need green fingers, and some knowledge of horticulture!