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Original poster

Anyone else have an existential crisis after losing a parent?

55 replies

hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 17:37

Maybe the thread title is a little dramatic but I can't think of another way to put it.

My dear mum died just over a month ago. She was 66 and, although she wasn't in good health, her death has been a huge shock to us all.

Initially I coped really well, I think I was in shock because I felt numb most of the time.
Now though, I feel lost. Like I've lost a big part of me and I'm not the same person anymore. I don't really know how to describe it but I'm struggling with the fact that I have no sisters, I do have two brothers. But I've lost that main female relationship that just cannot be replaced. I struggle that I've no one any more to talk to about the little things, things only mum really cared about. And to ask for advice. I recently had the most horrendous period and I was inconsolable about the fact I had not one person I could talk to about it.

I don't know, I guess this is all part of the process but I feel I don't know who I am anymore. Anyone else been through similar?

OP posts:

DarlingCoffee · 05/03/2022 17:42

Yes OP, yes. I couldn’t read and run. I lost my mum four years ago and despite counselling and life coaching it’s not easy to get over. I miss her support, I miss our chats, I miss being known and understood and all the things we could have done together. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs, be kind to yourself, this is a big deal. I’m so sorry about your mum.

Hippoh · 05/03/2022 17:52

I lost my dad when I was 17… car so very sudden and was so angry that I didn’t get the chance to say say goodbye. My mum got early onset dementia at 53… died at 58
So she had no idea who I was when I said goodbye.
This feels so unfair but I was very lucky to have them as parents and I will always think wtf would they do when life’s problems come along xx
So sorry for you loss x

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 05/03/2022 17:54

Yes, me too- it’s like someone has ripped out part of your DNA. My mum died six months after her mum died, and I felt utter shock at being the oldest woman in the family at 39.

When someone has such a huge role in forming you as a person, I think it’s completely normal to feel the loss on an existential level. I managed to ‘cope’ for a few months then completely lost it when I bought some new shoes and realised that they were the first pair I could never show her.

Every question I have about raising my two girls, every question I have about the menopause, all the tiny, tiny things that only she would notice or care about all leave a gap.

But- it’s a gap I am filling for myself. I have moved house, been promoted, navigated multiple school changes for my children; and I feel proud of myself for doing so. As if the me I thought was set in stone was actually only one part of my life, and we never stop learning, growing and changing. I wish I’d been able to show her what I can do, but I know she’d be proud.

Please don’t minimise your feelings, OP- an existential crisis is not only what it is, but what it should be in order to grow

moonlight1705 · 05/03/2022 17:58

Yes, my mum died aged 68 after being ill for a year. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and it's a miracle I didn't develop post partum depression.

I still catch myself thinking that I need to tell my mum this or let her know what my daughter is doing etc. DD has started to ask about her Nana and I am having to explain death which is hard.

FrownedUpon · 05/03/2022 18:01

Yes, I’m going through it now. A lot of musing about death & what happens to us afterwards, but also a lot of thoughts around what do I want from life, am in the right job, living in the right place. It’s just thrown up so many questions for me, it’s hard to find peace.

Butteredtoast55 · 05/03/2022 18:21

DarlingCoffee is exactly right. It's a huge thing to deal with and it us still very early days for you.
Whatever else we have been in our lives, we have always been our mother's daughter, and suddenly that stops. It does get more bearable (I am almost four years in) but I don't think I'll ever be the same person again.

Lookingforphev · 05/03/2022 18:25

My mum, 66 died suddenly just over 3 months.

Totally feel lost and like I don't know who I am, anymore, or what I am doing here.

I feel like I am pretending to me, just for the kids. But something has broken inside.

I am so sorry for your loss

Craftycorvid · 05/03/2022 18:28

My word, but losing a parent IS the big existential stuff of life! My mum died in 2020 and I still feel oddly weightless, as though I’ve lost my connection to the ground. I’m still figuring out who I want to be from here on in, and it still feels so odd when I see or hear something that would amuse mum, automatically think ‘she’ll love that’, then have to just sit with the knowledge I can’t share it with her. And, more deeply, this is it terms of any hope of getting what I want from the relationship, which was close but complicated.

Original poster

hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 18:30

Thank you all for sharing your hard times and I'm so sorry for your loss, all of you.
It's just so hard to put in to words isn't it. My mum and I never fell out, ever. She just wasn't that sort of person. She was always so loving and kind, so positive and encouraging. I've lost one of the very few people in this world who was always nice to me, always on my side.

OP posts:

Ohmnomnom · 05/03/2022 18:35

I lost my mum as a young child, and my dad at 35. Like pp I feel rootless, cut off from the earth and its made me face my own mortality. Sorry for your loss op

merryhouse · 05/03/2022 18:41

I spent some time feeling that there wasn't any point in doing anything because my mum wasn't there to be pleased for me.

Only really got over it when I got pregnant (that urge was too strong to be dampened). Of course, then there was all the grief that she never met her grandchildren...

lndnbrdge91 · 05/03/2022 18:41

Sorry for your loss. My Mum is still alive but I often think who will be as genuinely interested about 'me' and all the little things when she is gone, so totally get where you are coming from x

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/03/2022 18:52

It's completely normal to feel this way. I have a big birthday coming up and I was thinking while driving yesterday about plans and then it hit me that my Mum won't be there and had to fight back the tears. Nearly 8 years on.

robinwoo · 05/03/2022 19:02

I lost my Mum in 2013. It does get easier as time goes by but I miss her so very much. I now think how lucky I was to have a lovely Mum like her who taught me so much and made me the person I am. I feel her presence often.

avocadotofu · 05/03/2022 19:11

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a few years ago and it felt like my world was shattered into millions of different pieces so I totally understand how you feel. Sending you hugs 💕.

LittleMissPeggySue · 05/03/2022 19:12

Yes, I lost my dad 18 months ago today. I just don't feel "whole" anymore.

losingthemind · 05/03/2022 19:17

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. My dad died six months ago, 66 also, we didn't get a huge amount of warning (we'd expected a few months, he'd only been diagnosed a couple of weeks before he died). I'm still working out how it affects me - hugely, I know that. Initially there was so much support that I had to give to my mum and sibling, that I think I almost turned my emotions off about it. Now, I well up whenever someone asks me how I am. I can talk about him often, I think about him all the time. I think I just feel a bit numb about everything in my life right now.

Thegirlwiththeeagereyes · 05/03/2022 19:17

It's totally normal OP and I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's like you suddenly feel like you have no foundations - which makes sense as your Mum was the foundation on which your life was built. I lost my Mum 12 years ago and I now have my Dad, two brothers, husband and two sons so I get what you mean about losing that main female relationship, it's very, very hard. It does get easier but something that has definitely helped me is the other female relationships I have in my life. I have definitely depended more on aunts, cousins, friends, mums of friends and even female work colleagues more than I would have otherwise. Do you have close friends, or close female family members - lean on them, it won't be the same at all but it will help and comfort you. And you might find you end up sharing things with the men in your life that you normally wouldn't and that's ok.

I still think "oh I'll need to ring Mum and tell her about such and such" even now but it doesn't feel like a punch in the stomach like it used to. I can remember our lovely relationship with happy memories - not that I don't cry anymore, because I do, but it's not so visceral. Your body and brain eventually learn that she's not here.

Look after yourself - stay hydrated, go for walks, talk to the people who love you and try to find little things that bring you joy. If you think it's not getting easier with time, speak to your doctor. You won't always feel this way, sending much love ❤️

Crunchymum · 05/03/2022 19:18

My mum died (suddenly and unexpectedly) almost 18 months ago and quite honestly I'm just not the same person I was before she died.

I'm not weeping and wailing 24/7 (I never was to be honest) and I still have moments of pleasure and joy but I always carry a sadness just below the surface. A kind of darkness in my heart that I can't truly articulate.

My whole existence changed 18 months ago. I am still finding my way.

A month is no time at all. It really is so early in the grieving process. You feel how you feel and you'll find your way, because we have to find our way.

cptartapp · 05/03/2022 19:18

I lost my DF when he was 54 then my DM at 69 in a car accident. I was on holiday and hadn't seen her for two weeks. No goodbyes. Never saw her again.
I'm 50 now. Another milestone without her. I look at DH with his two parents rattling on in their 80's and think despite having them for much much longer he has this loss all yet to come.
Very very early days, it does get easier.

Original poster

hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 19:25

Thank you all so much for your kind words, I realise it's still early days. Like PP said I feel like I have lost my roots. I keep going to phone her at the times I normally would and then feel lost as to what to do. I have no grandparents, no sisters, only one aunt who doesn't live anywhere close. I have my DC though, and DD has been so understanding but she's only little and I can't burden her but I feel like we're the only females really, just us together.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 05/03/2022 19:27

Yes, even though she was 97 and well ready to go, and I'm 63, I still felt orphaned and very very lost.

An added surprising twist was that I'd been her carer for quite a while and suddenly I'd lost my role and sense of purpose as well as my lovely mum. Still feel it now, 4+ years later, although you do learn to live with it.

TurquoiseDragon · 05/03/2022 19:34

My dad died last night, and we didn't expect it.

I am heartbroken because I can see that there will be little things I'd want to chat with him about, and now I can't. He was 78.

And I had the same after mum died 3 years ago. There have been tears occasionally, as I recall things that only she would have been able to talk about with me, little memories where my brother was too young, and Dad wasn't involved with that particular thing.

Mum''s death changed me a little, and I expect this will be true with Dad.

Be kind to yourself. It takes time to work it all out.

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 05/03/2022 19:47

Sorry for your loss OP and sympathies to pp too

My dad died 3 months ago and while I know it sounds dramatic I've lost the one man who truly loved me unconditionally. I realise I'm exceptionally lucky to have had a loving and close relationship with an amazing dad but wow, what a hole he has left. I feel like life is a but pointless now - like what is the point of it all when we all just go at some point? It truly is the worst thing that's happened in my life to date. I'm very fortunate to still have a wonderful mum but I'm dreading her going too. Its hard. She's missing him dreadfully too.

BuddhaForMary · 05/03/2022 20:03

Lost my dad 7 years ago. Not a day goes by when I don't think oh I'll tell dad that... we were very close, he was my idol really and a massive influence on my life in a good way. As pp said, the only man who ever loved me unconditionally. He was the guy who was always there for people, and yet when he had a sudden and devastating heart attack, he was alone. which alway upsets me to think of. I'm still angry about that even now. How frightened he must have been. He was put on a ventilator but they said there was no brain activity. We sat with him as it was turned off and I like to think he heard us all telling him how much we love him, how much we'll miss him. He was the glue that kept the family together. He was only late sixties, him and my mum had had so many plans for retirement and it was stolen from them. My mum has never been the same since either. The gap in our lives is huge and unfillable.

for all those who have lost a parent.

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