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Original poster

Anyone else have an existential crisis after losing a parent?

55 replies

hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 17:37

Maybe the thread title is a little dramatic but I can't think of another way to put it.

My dear mum died just over a month ago. She was 66 and, although she wasn't in good health, her death has been a huge shock to us all.

Initially I coped really well, I think I was in shock because I felt numb most of the time.
Now though, I feel lost. Like I've lost a big part of me and I'm not the same person anymore. I don't really know how to describe it but I'm struggling with the fact that I have no sisters, I do have two brothers. But I've lost that main female relationship that just cannot be replaced. I struggle that I've no one any more to talk to about the little things, things only mum really cared about. And to ask for advice. I recently had the most horrendous period and I was inconsolable about the fact I had not one person I could talk to about it.

I don't know, I guess this is all part of the process but I feel I don't know who I am anymore. Anyone else been through similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 20:41

@FishFingerSandwiches4Tea the unconditional love is so true. No one loves you like your parents do. Caveat to say that I know this isn't always true.
I lost it with DH one day when he was being quite rude to me and I told him I'd lost one of the only people who was always nice to me, no matter what. He isn't one of those people.

OP posts:
newidentiy · 05/03/2022 21:04

I lost my Mum last year and can totally relate to this.

I have lost my rock and my go to person. No matter what she always listened and supported me. She always said she was proud of me.

I have grandchildren who I adore and a fab younger sister and amazing daughter but I feel I should be strong for them.

Mum was always there and I always think I'll tell mum that or go to phone her

I miss her so much and totally feel I've lost my person

Hugs to you all xx

tintodeverano2 · 05/03/2022 21:05

When my mum died I lost not only my mum, but my best friend too. And it feels like I lost a part of me too.

There's so many things that I wanted to do with her, we were planning to go to India, stuff like that.

Luckily my partner has been my rock. Without him I don't know what I would've done.

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 05/03/2022 21:08

@hippoherostandinghere I know exactly what you mean. I've even had thoughts that it would have been preferable to have lost my dh than my df - romantic partners are at least theoretically replaceable. That sounds horrific I know Sad. I wonder if that's the 'bargaining' stage of grief? I'd do anything to still have my df here.

LadyPenelope68 · 05/03/2022 21:12

@hippoherostandinghere
I’m going through the same thing now after losing my Mum very suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. I feel absolutely lost and like I don't know who I am, anymore, or what I am doing here, infact most days I don’t want to be here. I feel like I’m pretending to me, I’m totally broken inside. I cry most days and just feel like I’m “existing”, not having a life. I hate everyone around me, I can’t be bothered with anyone. My heart is just broken 😢

FlamingoYellow · 05/03/2022 21:27

My dad also died just over a month ago and I'm still in bits about it. It feels like everyone else has moved on - my mum had already got a new boyfriend before her husband had finished dying Hmm - and my brain still can't seem to accept that he's definitely gone. I've become very aware of my own mortality too and have had lots of 'what's the point of it all' thoughts. I feel like his death has changed me completely.

madroid · 05/03/2022 21:46

Gosh @hippoherostandinghere it's really very soon, you'll still just be absorbing this awful news. It's a process we all have to go through unfortunately, part of life. But you will get through it and learn to live with it and that horrible feeling of being at sea will fade. Sorry for your loss Flowers

@TurquoiseDragon I'm so sorry for your loss too, I hope you're okay Flowers

@LadyPenelope68 Keep going. I felt a lot of the feelings you describe when I lost my mum. I think you just have to wait it out and let yourself feel everything as you do. You can't go round it, you have to go through it, bit it might help to talk to someone if you feel it's overwhelming you most of the time. If you live near a church I found a vicar who was pretty good to talk to. Flowers

HarrietteNightingale · 05/03/2022 21:55

He was the guy who was always there for people, and yet when he had a sudden and devastating heart attack, he was alone. which alway upsets me to think of. I'm still angry about that even now. How frightened he must have been.

Yes, I cry when I think about my dad needing help but being on his own in his home, I just hope it was quick and he lost consciousness quickly. Still can't quite believe it a year and a half later.

Thanks to you, to the OP and all the other pp

HarrietteNightingale · 05/03/2022 21:56

I've become very aware of my own mortality too and have had lots of 'what's the point of it all' thoughts. I feel like his death has changed me completely.

Yes, me too. Really relate.

CC12x · 05/03/2022 21:57

Yeah lost my dad when I was 27 almost 4 years ago, he was 54. Hardest thing in the entire world. Sorry for you loss Op 😔

Babyroobs · 05/03/2022 22:02

We lost three parents between us in the space of a few years, all suddenly with no chance to say goodbye. Because my in laws lived some distance away and we didn't see them often, it still seems unreal, sometimes I forget they are not still alive. It's hard to explain. I lost my own mum suddenly in 2009. She was looking after my then 4 year old dd the day before and was dead the next morning. Even after all these years it still doesn't seem real at times.

Babyroobs · 05/03/2022 22:03

@HarrietteNightingale

I've become very aware of my own mortality too and have had lots of 'what's the point of it all' thoughts. I feel like his death has changed me completely.

Yes, me too. Really relate.

I have lost 2 friends in their early - mid fifties recently, one of them last night, both extremely suddenly. It really makes you think how quickly things can change. I just can't get my head around never seeing them again.
8Track · 05/03/2022 22:08

My dad died unexpectedly in his sleep 6 months ago, early 80s.
Existential crisis, and so much of what you have all written resonates. I dream so often of him, it is like every morning I have to wake up and tell myself, He.Is.Dead.
I am such a daddy's girl, and find myself wanting to phone him often.
But I am not the same person any more. Some emotions are harder, fiercer. Other things I can flow through now, they don't stress me when they did before. The world feels more weighty.

8Track · 05/03/2022 22:09

Off topic, but I love your username @hippoherostandinghere - the song is in my head now!!

Original poster
hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 22:11

@TurquoiseDragon I'm so sorry for you loss, I hope you're ok? I'm sure you're very numb right now. Lots of love.

OP posts:
Nostrings457 · 05/03/2022 22:16

Flowers to all the posters on this thread.

Completely understand OP, my DM died in her late 40s, shortly after her own mother. In my 20s, I had lost the females who knew me inside out, who cared about every little detail of my life, who would listen to every worry I had.

It’s painfully hard. Im 10 years on now, going through a difficult time in my life and my heart hurts that my DM isn’t here. I have lots of other people around me but like all the PP, there is no one like our own DM.

I feel like a piece of me left that day my DM died. It’s a credit to our DMs that they left such lasting impacts. Life has gone on, day to day I’ve learnt to enjoy life but I’d enjoy it a whole lot more if my DM was still here.

Sending you strength to get through this difficult time

Original poster
hippoherostandinghere · 05/03/2022 22:19

@8Track sorry I have given you an ear worm! I name changed for a Christmas name change way back years ago and never changed my name again!

I'm sorry sorry to hear of everyone's sad losses. It seems like these feelings are ones that we have all went through. I guess I'm lucky that my mum loved me so much, and that my dad still does. And I will do the same for my own DC.

I'm sorry sorry for the people who never got the chance to say goodbye. It's difficult to deal with.
My DM was in hospital for a few months before she died and I got a weekly visit up until Christmas when they stopped visiting. We spoke multiple times on the phone until gradually the phone calls stopped. She suffered from bouts of encephalopathy which caused short term confusion but always came out the other side. We waited, and waited for the phone calls to resume but they never did. She wasn't strong enough to come out the other side this time and by the time she was sick enough for my family to be allowed to visit and sit with her she was no longer conscious. It's very hard to deal with the fact that we were with her as she died and she couldn't talk to us. I keep wondering what she would have said. I told her everything that I wanted to and I just console myself with the hope that she heard me.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 05/03/2022 22:22

[quote hippoherostandinghere]@TurquoiseDragon I'm so sorry for you loss, I hope you're ok? I'm sure you're very numb right now. Lots of love. [/quote]
Thank you. It was a bit of a shock, should have been quite a routine thing, but they struggled to stop the bleeding which had knock on effects.

bakermummy21 · 05/03/2022 22:57

Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my elderly mum suddenly just a few days ago and totally understand how you feel. She had dementia but was still a loving mum to us all. I miss having that person in your life that totally understands you and loves you unconditionally

Crunchymum · 05/03/2022 23:02

It's so sad to read everyone's posts but the one thing that does shine through is the love.

I still have my dad and I adore him but I can't imagine anything will ever be like losing my mum. It's not just the circumstances (sudden death at home, literally here one moment and then gone) it's all the history and memories that went with her. My dad can't tell us exactly what time we were born or what we weighed. He wouldn't remember all the holidays and birthday and parties. He won't remember first periods and first loves and first heartaches.

Our dad was (is) a wondeful father but he isn't our mum. Our mum was always, always there. She never forgot a single event in any of our lives (this extended to the grandkids too. She never forgot an assembly or a medical appointment. She was like a constant cheerleader in our lives). She was always the first to wish us luck or call us after. She truly cared about all our mundane shit. She supported us all and lifted us up but she was honest and open and true. She was a source of security and warmth and trust. And she did it all so seamlessly and so constantly.

It feels so sad to know no-one in this orbit loves me like that, and no-one will ever love me like that again. I just hope I can give my kids some of that as it was wonderful.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 05/03/2022 23:03

@TurquoiseDragon

My dad died last night, and we didn't expect it.

I am heartbroken because I can see that there will be little things I'd want to chat with him about, and now I can't. He was 78.

And I had the same after mum died 3 years ago. There have been tears occasionally, as I recall things that only she would have been able to talk about with me, little memories where my brother was too young, and Dad wasn't involved with that particular thing.

Mum''s death changed me a little, and I expect this will be true with Dad.

Be kind to yourself. It takes time to work it all out. Thanks

@TurquoiseDragon I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
FlyingGeeseAgain · 05/03/2022 23:04

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread.
I lost my dad 12 years ago. Nothing has ever felt right since. We weren’t at all close, and he was a difficult man, but I felt profoundly changed as a result. The person who described it as having a piece of DNA ripped out has got it spot on.
I never really grieved as had to do all the practical things for my mother. I never even really talked about it to any of the family. I just had to get on with things. No one comforted me apart from OH.
My mother and I have never had a good relationship so I don’t know how I will feel when she dies. I envy all of you who had such loving relationships with your parents. I wish I had had that.

Stopsnowing · 05/03/2022 23:05

Yes

USaYwHatNow · 05/03/2022 23:36

I am so so lucky to have both my parents still here. Every so often I catch myself thinking that one day they won't be here and I absolutely spin into an existential crisis. My dad lost his dad when he was 11 and my mum was orphaned young at about 24,the year before I was born and when we talk about her labour and birth she often says that she cried out for her mum. Now I'm pregnant myself with the family's first very longed and prayed for grandchild and I just can't get that image out of my head. I'm so sorry for everyone's losses ❤️

lollipoprainbow · 06/03/2022 01:15

Yes totally understand, my mum has advanced dementia so the mum I knew has long gone. She was my best friend and rock, we spoke at least once a day about everything. I lost my older sister six years ago so it's just me and my brother left now. I miss that female presence so so much.