Tall children - do you or others treat them as if they were older?

[LifeGoesOn222]

If you have children who are very big/tall for their age, do you find that either you or other people treat them as if they were older than their actual age and expect more from them? Has this caused any problems?

@HardbackWriter

I had this as a child and so does my three year old. Both of us are summer babies but still the tallest in our year group. I did once have to remind nursery that DS is a year younger than some of the others and they clearly had forgotten. A random woman in a shop told me I was too old for toys when I was seven Like others have said it's a mixed blessing, though. I used to be jealous of the way the really petite girls were babied and indulged at school but it didn't do them any long-term favours.

I had this too but without the later advantage of being a tall adult. I was one of the tallest in my class, but with a July birthday.

I was significantly taller than my brother who was only 18 months younger, so more seemed to be expected of me at home too. I suppose this was compounded by me being the older child and being female too.

At 12 I stopped growing so now in my 60s I am not even 5ft 1.

My son was 5 foot 9 at the age of 12 and like a giant next to his year 7 friends. It had it's pros and cons. He's a summer baby and wasn't as sophisticated as his older friends and so sometimes his behaviour was particularly noticeable because it seemed immature for his perceived age. On the plus side I think it reduced him getting picked on or bothered on the wall to school in a not great part of the city as he looked much older. He's 15 nearly now and only an inch or two taller now so he obviously got all his growing out of the way in one go!

He also has older children come up to him to play with him, who then kinda abandon the idea when they realise he isn't capable, which is really sad for him.

This is very sad . It's difficult sometimes not to be affected by the judgement of others and parent negatively when actually your child needs extra-supportive and positive parenting.

My DS will play with older children in the playground (an 8 year old the other day) and 'mask' the fact that he's only 4. So he'll go along with them or pretend he knows what they're talking about when actually he's completely out of his depth. Sometimes they notice, at which point I gently say 'I think he's a bit younger than you'. If it's boys playing chasing games, they mostly don't notice although obviously he has poorer coordination and isn't great at following the rules for games like football.

This thread makes me a bit sad 😞 my 18mo DD is tall (95th C +) and already people are comparing her speech to 2.5 yr old friends children and I have to keep reminding them the age difference. She’s also an august born but taller than some September borns the year before (so same school year). I just feel she is a bit judged for being ‘behind’ when she’s just tall and I worry it will be worse when she starts school.

Definitely a thing for my DS. I often had to remind people he was 2 or 3 years younger than he looked!

Most definitely. My friends boy was always big, even as a toddler a head above everyone else his age. Then when puberty hit, he got taller and taller and wider. He had the body at 12 of a 6ft+ man, but obviously immature and playful. So would be mucking about with friends who seemed half his size, still playing, rather than hanging out, if you know what I mean. Pranking, chasing, playing it etc and people would assume he is a man, messing with kids. He had so many altercations it really knocked his confidence. Fully grown men would start on him. As a result he is now a head down, hunch shoulders, never gets eye contact, attempting to be smaller.

I am 5' 11" myself as a women and my eldest boy is 6" but only shot up from 14, but he is 16 year old and I am always drumming into him to stand up straight, shoulders back, otherwise he too, tries to become smaller, but I say to him, when u are old, you will have a hunch back, only being able to look for change on the floor.

Yes definitely. Both ways.

A friend of ds' at primary was large, both tall and well built. He was as tall as I was before he was 10yo. Unfortunately he also was very immature. So people would be expecting him to behave like a 16yo (and tbf he looked quite intimidating) at 10yo, but real behaviour was more like 6yo. I've always been scared for him because he could so easily get into real trouble by lack of thought and being easily led with no real nastiness on his side.

Otoh I know someone who had a petite girl, and it actually became a problem for the child. Because they'd be out and she'd do something age appropriate and have strangers gushing over "how amazing that such a little one could do such a wonderful thing". Mum would say "how old do you think she is?" and they'd say "Can't be older than 3yo" and she'd reply "she's actually nearly 7yo".
But the child picked up on this and thought she was really amazing at things, which caused issues with behaviour and social skills because she got annoyed when finding her peers didn't find that what she was showing them was anything unusual.

@Cinnabomb

This thread makes me a bit sad 😞 my 18mo DD is tall (95th C +) and already people are comparing her speech to 2.5 yr old friends children and I have to keep reminding them the age difference. She’s also an august born but taller than some September borns the year before (so same school year). I just feel she is a bit judged for being ‘behind’ when she’s just tall and I worry it will be worse when she starts school.

You can delay entry to school by a year so he starts reception when he has just turned 5 years old.

@MargaretThursday that’s interesting about the petite girl. I’ve witnessed such a difference in attitudes to small especially blonde girls and it is shocking! Interesting to hear the negative consequences of this tho… I only remember the positives they had from my childhood (were never bullied, everyone wanted to be their friend etc)

@Cinnabomb

Yes, I would agree that generally big boys and petite girls have it easier than the other way round, which is partially why I chose those two examples.

Another example I can give of negaive for small girls was a different one I knew who was also young in the year, and the other children treated her like a younger child. I can remember watching one handing sweets out.
"Would you like a sweet, Olivia?" "Would you like sweet, Emily?" "Would ikkle Annie-wannie, like a sweetie-weetie...?"
Drove both Mum and the child mad, although she was reasonably popular, she always felt inferior.

Don't worry @Cinnabomb, this is just one negative aspect of being tall. In general my DC like being tall - it's an advantage for most sports, and in general the other kids seem to 'look up to' (no pun intended) and respect the taller kids. A couple of my friends have very small DC and I'd say that's much harder (especially for boys).

My DD is 6ft at 14yo - she likes being tall!

An absolutely charming young boy is teaching my 4yo to skate. He’s a friend-of-a-friend. I could never quite understand why his mum was coming to all the lessons, and driving him home. I mean, the kid is 15! Stick him on a bus!

… but nope. He’s a very tall, very articulate and responsible just-turned-11-year-old. 😳 Honestly I’m now even more impressed with him! But I will admit I judged the mum a little bit for a couple of lessons. (Although she’s lovely and I obviously never said anything). Oops!

I was out with DS and someone asked why he was off school, was he sick. I gave them a withering look and said "he's 3, school won't take him yet"

My 4 year old is the height of a 6 year old and has always been tall. We’d get lots of judgemental looks when he’d have typical toddler tantrums or sat in his pushchair. I feel sad for him as people do expect a lot more and he’s one of the youngest in his reception class.

It hasn’t caused any problems really but my 4 year old is the size of a 6/7 year old so people do often assume she’s older. She’s quite reserved in public and sometimes older children come up to play with her in the playground and are surprised that she doesn’t have the confidence to do so (which I suppose isn’t necessarily all about her age). I did get some dirty looks when I had my giant 2.5 year old in a buggy on the nursery run.

Yes, I would agree that generally big boys and petite girls have it easier than the other way round, which is partially why I chose those two examples.

Definitely agree with this, from my own childhood.

Oh yes familiar stories here too. My mother carried my birth certificate around when I was 3 and 4 because she certainly couldn't afford extra bus fares. I also had bad glue ear leading to speech delay and balance difficulties ... not a good combination with looking 3+ years older than I actually was. The preschool I went to often had students on placement, and apparently the staff in charge often had to race out to help me on climbing equipment as they'd tell this big girl she could do it by herself, but the regular staff knew very well I needed more help than any other child there.

A sad one. DD was just 7, DS 4 when we went to Australia Zoo in Queensland (big trip visiting grandparents for their anniversary and took some time to travel). At the entrance there was information about pony rides. All the way around DD was looking forward to that. Get there and they not only insisted that she was above their height cutoff and couldn't possibly be allowed, but also strongly suggested DS could still have a go ...

People often talk about the advantages tall kids have - well I think quite a few lack the coordination of more slowly growing children as, until they are fully grown, their body image and proprioception never manages to catch up!

My sister and I and my DS were all young in year at school and consistently treated as if we were old. Great in some out of school contexts where we thrived interacting with older children. Less good when we were only reluctantly recognised as entitled to something we were thought to be too old for. Our violin teacher always forgot we were three years younger than a pair of sisters who had lessons before ours. DS in junior years at school got short shrift at times when teachers forgot he was one of the little ones, when his admittedly immature judgement led him into trouble.

As older children we all, DD and DS as well as me and my sister, could easily pass as 16+ by 12 or 13. That can be a real mix of positive and negative.

I think being tall as a child has a permanent impact on personality. Mostly positive but watch out for them becoming too self-effacing and ensure you build their self-esteem.

Oh I just remembered another funny one. Visiting my grandmother age 5, she asked a friend in a shop how old she thought I was. 10 ? ....

I’ve done it to tall kids in the early years. It’s really hard when little ones are playing and some of them are just so much bigger. First, they seem older. Second, even once you know they aren’t, it doesn’t really matter, they still have the potential to do so much more damage even if they are engaging in the same rough play that the average sized 2 or 3 years are doing.

I’m the parent of an especially tiny kid. Constantly accidentally injured on the playground by the bigger kids. Always underestimated. She is still very short, but puberty is well at hand so I no longer have to worry that people will report an unattended child in situations where it was perfectly acceptable for her to be alone for a few minutes.

Second, even once you know they aren’t, it doesn’t really matter, they still have the potential to do so much more damage even if they are engaging in the same rough play that the average sized 2 or 3 years are doing.

Yes, I find you have to come down harder on them for behaviour which you might shrug off or treat less seriously in a smaller child. I've never tolerated pushing, shoving, hitting or even just being a bit boisterous from my DS because of the risk of injury to smaller children around him. Whereas them shoving my DS or pushing in front isn't seen as a such a big deal because they're smaller (and perceived as 'younger'). It does have the good outcome though that the staff at nursery are constantly commenting about how gentle he is and we've never really had to deal with reports of any aggression or boisterous behaviour.

On the other hand, I do heave a sigh of relief if we go to soft play and most of the children are the same size or bigger, so I can let him go wild (within limits!) without constantly reminding 'be careful' and 'look out for the little ones'.

Yes, I think the 'you're bigger than him' thing is tough because it's not 'fair' but you do have to acknowledge it's true - DS does have to be particularly careful because it is easier for him to accidentally hurt a smaller child. It can go the other way too, though - I stopped meeting up with one friend with the DC because she thought it was absolutely fine for her DD (8 months older than DS) to hit and push DS because 'she's half his size' (I think gender also played a role, plus she seemed to think that constantly declaring how lucky she was to have such an amazingly well-behaved child made it true).

Before school, yes. Mainly when I was trying to get him in places and they didn't accept he was under 2 or under 3.

I've noticed it less now he is older.

I wouldn't be so sure tall=good at sports. Took me until I was 23 for my brain to catch up to the height I had at 12! Tall, hair cut by my mum and no coordination.

I think tall girls have it a bit easier now, as there are more of them.

Gosh, I recognise everything you say, OP!

Remember, years ago, in the park when he was 2yrs old. Stayed playing with a4 year old.

The mum came up to me and asked how old he was. When I told her she said "oh good, I thought there was something wrong with him"

Now he's nearly finished secondary, and I still have to watch how hard I am on him. We've had a couple of conversations over recent years about the pros and cons.

Generally I think he likes that he is taken seriously, but hates being yelled at because he doesn't know his own strength!