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Original poster

I am so so jealous

194 replies

bloodywhitecat · 25/02/2022 13:58

I watched out the window today at everyone going about their daily lives and was struck by a pang of jealousy. Up until November that had been us, Dh trundling off to work and me taking the fosterlings out and about for the day. Now I am here, caring for DH and discussing the threshold for him going on a syringe driver. He is so yellow, yet so grey and he is sleeping all the time again. If he hadn't had the stroke in Nov chances are he'd be on a trial now for his cancer. Breaking his leg on top of everything else was just cruel. The hospice are now trying to find out if the cast can be removed in the community as I am not sure how well he would tolerate a journey to hospital and back in a bone shaker ambulance. He so wanted to see our fosterlings celebrate their first and second birthdays and he so wanted to see our first wedding anniversary in May and so did I but in the meantime I am so sad and so jealous. He can't even tell me I am doing the right thing for him as he has no speech, I tell him I love him every chance I can but I will never hear him say it again. Every time his breathing pauses I hope it doesn't start again because what is to come is so much crueler than just gently stopping breathing.

OP posts:
Christmas21 · 25/02/2022 14:01

I'm so sorry to read this, sending you a big hug and lots of positive thoughts xx

2020nymph · 25/02/2022 14:04

I'm so sorry @bloodywhitecat sending love and hugs Thanks

Paperyfish · 25/02/2022 14:08

I’m so sorry. It is desperately unfair and cruel that this has happened to you and to him. When my dad died ( not of cancer, but a neurological illness that stole every thing from him) I felt it was so bloody unfair and was so angry at everything. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for you both- but I think you have every right in the world to feel jealous and that it’s unfair. Your dh is very lucky to have you and your fosterlings.

Undecided1985 · 25/02/2022 14:12

I once heard Nigella Lawson (whose sister dies young of cancer) describe the disease as "random and cruel' and I think she is absolutely right.

Often people think they have created wonderful lives and are pretty smug about it when the reality is they have fallen on very fortunate circumstances. There is no rational way to approach what is a not rational situation.

OnlyYellowRoses · 25/02/2022 14:17

I'm so so sorry this is happening to your family right now 💕

BuddhaForMary · 25/02/2022 14:20

I'm so sorry @bloodywhitecat you've had such a nightmare few months and I'm really not surprised you're feeling this way.

Thanks for you

daisie30 · 25/02/2022 14:24

What an absolutely awful time you are all going through ..totally understand why you'd be feeling the way you are, life can be so terribly unfair sometimes. Am so very sorry & offer you a virtual hand holdDaffodil

IsItTooHotInHere · 25/02/2022 14:26

bloodywhitecat I'm so very sorry that you and your lovely husband are going through all this. Not only a very serious stroke, but cancer, too. Are you getting any help? Have you got someone to actually talk to? Carers/befrienders who could stay with your husband for a while so that you might be able to go to a park/cafe/friend's house etc?

GoldenLightNights · 25/02/2022 14:28

I’ve followed your lovely DH’s story from the beginning, I am so so sorry this is happening to you both.
I completely understand the feeling of jealousy, when my father was dying in hospital, he was on the tenth floor of the hospital tower and I used to look down at the people going about their normal everyday lives and both wonder how they could when our lives (my family) were turned upside down and yet desperately want to be one of those anonymous people who had no knowledge of the hell we were going through.
God bless you and your DH, you’ll look back and not even believe how strong you have been. Love and strength to you both xo

picklemewalnuts · 25/02/2022 14:35

I'm sorry, OP. I'm sorry you and your husband have to go through this.

You have been amazing. Thanks

hoorayandupsherises · 25/02/2022 14:35

Nothing about this is fair and all of your emotions are valid. I wish there was something I could say to make sense of it for you, but it is senseless.

Massive hugs to you both xx

Danikm151 · 25/02/2022 14:35

It's ok to be angry. You've been dealt a horrible blow.
Is there anybody you can speak to?

picklemewalnuts · 25/02/2022 14:36

There will be a time when it's you going about life outside in the sunshine. It's dark now, and will be for a while, but the time will come. Hold on.

Abunchofyellowroses · 25/02/2022 14:36

You and your DH are often in my thoughts when I’m at home and I hope you’ll keep posting here where there are many people willing to listen and offer kindness.

We never realise how lucky we are until our lives change, do we? When you say how jealous you are of others going about their everyday lives, I think you have every right to be envious. I’m sorry that these blows have hit you. It’s awful, awful, awful. There’s no justice. Your DH has pancreatic cancer I think? (I hope I have remembered correctly?) My mum had it and I remember the sadness and the pain.

You are doing everything you can for your DH and he knows it too. Your words will register with him and help I think: all we have is love and you have shared so much with each other and your little fosterlings. You took on a whole system and brought him home. You’re amazing.

My DH has a life limiting diagnosis and I try not to look ahead. Since we found out, so many people have shared their stories with me and I feel we, all of us, have pain in our pasts, presents or futures. I’m thinking of you and sending lots of virtual unmumsnetty hugs.

Keep holding his hand, OP. Keep telling him you love him. It’s enough my dear. You are not alone although it’s so hard for you. Keep posting when you want to.

DwightShrutesgirlfriend · 25/02/2022 14:44

I've followed your story for a while @bloodywhitecat, my lovely MIL died of pancreatic cancer and it is a cruel disease. My own DM has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and so I'm on the journey again. I know only too well how hard it is to watch someone you love on this journey and there are no words to make things better, so I simply send you strength.

Sheilablessus · 25/02/2022 14:49

It is absolutely right that you feel like 'raging at the dying of the light" on behalf of VeryDH.
Rage Rage Rage against the dying of the life you shared with him.
Prayers and the kindest of thoughts to you.

LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 25/02/2022 14:53

I'm so sorry to hear this 😔 life is bloody cruel sometimes. Sending you a big hug. We are here for you 💐💐💐

purpleboy · 25/02/2022 14:55

I'm sorry op, life is so desperately cruel. No one deserves this Thanks

SisterRuth · 25/02/2022 14:55

Oh bloodywhitecat, I remember you from when your husband was waiting for hours in A&E and people were sending you mishearings to distract you (my mam thought it was "our father wi' chart in heaven") and I told my husband about the little boy who'd thought it was "Postman Pat & his bloody white cat". I'm so sorry to read what is happening to you right now, I can only imagine, having gone through similar thoughts when my mam was dying (please let this be the last hard breath, look at all the stupid people having happy lives). But that was my mam & she was in her 80s, not my husband who I'd built a family with. So sad and so cruel a thing to happen to your husband. And not just one thing! A broken leg on top of everything else, jesuswept. I wish I could really help you. We all do. But all we have are these mere words which will only say what you already know: everything you're feeling is completely understandable, you're doing a wonderful job being with your husband & telling him you love him, your fosterlings are so lucky to have you, you've made such a massive happy difference to their lives and you are truly loved.
These words are not enough but perhaps they are something, a tiny comfort in a horrendous situation. I hope so. I'm thinking of you Flowers

spiderlight · 25/02/2022 15:01

Oh @bloodywhitecat :( I've folowed some of your threads but I didn't know he'd broken his leg on top of everything else. I just have no words for how cruel and unfair that is. My heart goes out to you both. I don't know what else to say, but I am thinking of you.

glittereyelash · 25/02/2022 15:03

I'm so very sorry. Life can just change in an instant. I hope you have lots of support 💙

LizDoingTheCanCan · 25/02/2022 15:04

You feel whatever you need to feel to get through this. Take a step outside if you can, it sounds silly but sometimes when we're in carer mode, we forget to breathe.

Sending love to you both.

Fairytoast · 25/02/2022 15:09

The older I get the more I see just how bloody cruel life is at times. I have followed your story op, I am so sorry for you all, so sorry you are going through this Flowers

withiceplease · 25/02/2022 15:14

Sending hugs
I felt similar when my mother died. I would see folk standing at a bus stop and think 'how can you just go about your business like normal when my mum has died'

willitevergetwarm · 25/02/2022 15:29

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I kind of know how you feel, my DD was on life support for 3 weeks and while she was unconscious she had a bilateral stroke, but she is alive and doing well in her recovery. I can't see her much atm and feel so jealous when I see other mums and their daughters