I am so so jealous

[bloodywhitecat]

I watched out the window today at everyone going about their daily lives and was struck by a pang of jealousy. Up until November that had been us, Dh trundling off to work and me taking the fosterlings out and about for the day. Now I am here, caring for DH and discussing the threshold for him going on a syringe driver. He is so yellow, yet so grey and he is sleeping all the time again. If he hadn't had the stroke in Nov chances are he'd be on a trial now for his cancer. Breaking his leg on top of everything else was just cruel. The hospice are now trying to find out if the cast can be removed in the community as I am not sure how well he would tolerate a journey to hospital and back in a bone shaker ambulance. He so wanted to see our fosterlings celebrate their first and second birthdays and he so wanted to see our first wedding anniversary in May and so did I but in the meantime I am so sad and so jealous. He can't even tell me I am doing the right thing for him as he has no speech, I tell him I love him every chance I can but I will never hear him say it again. Every time his breathing pauses I hope it doesn't start again because what is to come is so much crueler than just gently stopping breathing.

I was thinking about you a couple of days ago, bloodywhitecat. I’m so sorry to read this x

Praying for both u and DH. God is with u, loves and cares for u both.

Hi @bloodywhitecat
My mum has just been diagnosed with bile duct cancer. I just want to extend my sympathy. Hers is actually technically operable but they have refused to operate as she has other underlying health issues. So now talking about moving into palliative care. I am dreading the inevitable deterioration

Sending love. You write so beautifully. You couldn't do any more than you are doing right now. Remember to take care of yourself x

I'm so sorry, you must be emotionally and physically exhausted. I hope they manage to get the medication sorted so that your DH is comfortable. Such a shame there's no night sitter available. Thinking of you

I'm hoping for comfort and peace for your DH. And some respite for you. I'm sorry you are going through this OP x

I'm so sorry, you have every right to be angry, rant, whatever. I wish him no pain.

My friend lost her husband in January 2021 after a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer six months before. I would not wish it on anyone. I hope you have good support.

Sending you love whilst you bend and try not to break
So very sorry your beloved little family has been delete these unspeakably cruel blows

You are being so strong though I don’t suppose you feel it and it probably makes you want to scream when people write to tell you this. But you really are. What you are doing and going through this to me is what real love is about. Not all the transient shit and the good times but this. When the cards have been dealt and you are reeling but still get up and keep going. Yes partly because you have to but also because of what you have made together and something g that subconsciously propels you.
You are both in the eyes of very different storms and peace will come in opposite times for you. Please try not to feel guilty about this. You cannot pour from an empty cup and you need to find in some tiny corners of self care. Though of course right now this isn’t happening even if you are screaming for it.

You and your husband are in my thoughts. We never know what is coming but the manner in which we take stock of it and the steps we continue to take are more the mark of a person than the bewilderment of grief and rightful raging sense of injustice.

My dad died from pancreatic cancer, it’s such a cruel disease. Heartbreaking.

Thinking of you 💐

So sorry to read your update. My dad died of pancreatic cancer q year ago yesterday. It is one of the most cruel and sneaky cancers.
Thinking of you and your husband x

Sending you a hug
And you have helped me with your words x

I am so sorry, I think we are in the same support group in Facebook, but I just lurk, my Mum has pancreatic cancer and is a 'warrior' but still having chemo & not tolerating it very well. We lost my Dad to cancer last year & Marie Curie nurses came out to him at night to give my Mum a break, they were amazing

We are all here to listen whenever you need.sending you prayers xx

Sending love. My sad died of the same cancer 5 years ago. It's so difficult to watch xx

I'm so sorry op. Thinking of you

Oh gosh. I am so sorry and can understand why you feel like you do looking out the window.

Can you get some support from friends and family?
Counselling perhaps for you
Try to get an hour a week (more if poss) to focus on you and get a break.

Stay strong 💕

He needs more medication but the nurses are an hour away. I am sat with him, playing the play list his DD made him when he had his stroke. I have just sent my DD up to bed as I want some time alone with him but it is so hard, so scary.

I am so sorry for what you, your DH, and your family are going through. Do not underestimate the importance of you just being there, and holding his hand.

I have no platitudes for you. I am just sending love.