I am so so jealous

[bloodywhitecat]

I watched out the window today at everyone going about their daily lives and was struck by a pang of jealousy. Up until November that had been us, Dh trundling off to work and me taking the fosterlings out and about for the day. Now I am here, caring for DH and discussing the threshold for him going on a syringe driver. He is so yellow, yet so grey and he is sleeping all the time again. If he hadn't had the stroke in Nov chances are he'd be on a trial now for his cancer. Breaking his leg on top of everything else was just cruel. The hospice are now trying to find out if the cast can be removed in the community as I am not sure how well he would tolerate a journey to hospital and back in a bone shaker ambulance. He so wanted to see our fosterlings celebrate their first and second birthdays and he so wanted to see our first wedding anniversary in May and so did I but in the meantime I am so sad and so jealous. He can't even tell me I am doing the right thing for him as he has no speech, I tell him I love him every chance I can but I will never hear him say it again. Every time his breathing pauses I hope it doesn't start again because what is to come is so much crueler than just gently stopping breathing.

Sending you a hug. I lost a close relative last year to cancer. Too young. Its such a cruel disease x

This is so unfair and cruel. I'm so very sorry for you all.

I'm so sorry @bloodywhitecat

I've been reading your threads and the pain in your words is so real

I'm so sorry and sad that your family is in this position.

Thinking of you all and cherishing everyone that I have right now

@bloodywhitecat
I am so sorry you and your dh are going through this and it's totally human to think how unfair life is.
I know I do sometimes.
I was raised a Christian and can't comprehend that if there is a loving God as we were told that he would let bad things happen to innocent children and good people.
I would question this and be told it was because of Man's free will 🙄
What free will causes innocent people to suffer. 🙄🙄

He is so confused and agitated when he's awake today, his temp is almost 40°, waiting for a call back from the hospice.

Handhold and hugs 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

I'm so sorry @bloodywhitecat

I've read all your threads. You are going through such hell, I'm so sorry for you & DH.

I hope you hear back from the hospice soon. Sending ❤️

The hospice have visited for the second time today, he has a syringe driver in place now, his fever has broken and he seems brighter. I think his stent is starting to block off.

So glad he’s a bit brighter. Sending lots of love and fortitude I wish you didn’t need.

I’m so jealous too. My DC deserved to grow up with their wonderful dad, and I really could use his help as teenage years approach. And a hug. Mostly that. Lovely kind men shouldn’t die young.

I’m so sorry op 😞

So sorry to hear this. Sending you strength and love.

I've been on several of your threads, BWC.
I've deliberately not @d you because you have enough on your plate already without feeling you need to reply to randoms on the internet, so I hope you will read this in your own time when you have a moment.

I really feel for you and I know nothing I can say will take away your emotional pain right now, but I do want you to know that I recognise how you are feeling. (Hurting, angry, resentful and all of the rest.)
I can also identify with how you are feeling about other people - some folks seem to be hardly touched by anything difficult, so the tiniest thing is a major disaster.
Meanwhile, there are other people who seem to get the shitty end of the stick. I realised a long time ago that there is no rhyme or reason to it. Bad things happen to good people too. (I have a cousin (younger than me), who is dying of bowel cancer. She has also had MS for many years, just to give you an example from my life.) There really is no sense to be made from it. I'm not minimising how you feel, but telling you that I understand how you feel.
I'm pleased for you that DH is brighter now, and that he has a syringe driver in place. Don't be scared to ask for the nurses to increase his dose if he needs it. (I asked for my DDad to have everything possible he could have when we knew he couldn't survive any longer. I'm sorry if that's made you upset, but I want you to know that it's not wrong to make that request in those circumstances - it's the kindest thing we can do for our loved ones.)
Do you have anyone coming in overnight now so you can get some rest? Even if you can't sleep, laying down and listening to an audio book, music or whatever might give you a chance to relax - or maybe a soak in the bath? If someone else is there, you always know that you will be told if you are needed. If you don't have that in place yet, this may well be the time to ask.
I will be keeping you and your DH in my thoughts. Even if you have some people around who can give you a hug, because you need it, I'm sending you some anyway.

He is going downhill rapidly, we need to get on top of his nausea and vomiting but it seems to be getting away from us. I wish we could have a night sitter tonight but there is no availability. The hospice nurse is coming to give him another injection but then will go away again.

I'm sorry to read your update OP. You must be exhausted

Try ondansetron and another one? (Metoclopramide often good but works it the opposite way so if using both person needs to be actually eating in between the long doses) maybe ondansetron and prochlorperazine or cyclizine? Through syringe driver if poss and also steroids too. Youll have to ask the nurses but might be worth a punt. Ive followed since the beginning and was awake with you last night too. Sending love and hugs. Its so very hard and the love / pain sears through you that you cant believe no one else can hear you screaming inside.

He should definitely be able to get anti-nausea drugs in his syringe driver. I hope he has by now. Sending hugs. Xx

I am so sorry. It isn't fair.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are allowed to feel what you feel with no sense of guilt. In a similar situation it was not jealousy I felt so much as anger and total puzzlement that people were going about their ordinary lives completely oblivious to the shattering experiences that were going on for us so close by.

I am sending a hand hold.

Sending you lots of love.

Oh @bloodywhitecat I’m so sorry to read this. I’ve followed several of your threads but not commented before. I hope the syringe driver gives you both some relief and rest, and that, with the greatest of kindness, that things don’t drag on for you both too long. He will definitely know that you love him, and will be willing his mind to let you know that he loves you too. Your compassion shines through your posts. Lots of hugs from here.

I am so sad to read this.

Puts my stupid worries into perspective.

I am so sorry. I will say a prayer for you both.

I’m sending you love, to surround you and your beautiful DH tonight.