DS17 hates college and I don't know what to do.

[GrogusMam]

He's a sensitive boy, quiet and reserved.

He started college in September and hates it. He's gone from excellent attendance in high school with perfect punctuality to have nearly 3 hours of late minutes and constant time off.

One of the subjects out of 3 he chose he HATES. The other 2 he likes but just has zero enthusiasm for.

I'm constantly getting emails that he's late, not engaged, not doing homework, skipping lessons.

Every time I bring it up he cries and says it's all too much pressure wise. He isn't a crier.

I'm really worried for him. I just don't know what to do.

College say he absolutely cannot swap the lesson he hates, he has to suck up it for the year then can potentially drop it for his 2nd year but will have to do a 3rd Alevel in a year next year. That's obviously not going to help with him feeling under pressure.

He just stays in his room all the time.

Can you have a chat with him and the college and see if maybe there are different courses he might prefer, although he may not be able to start these until September. Otherwise might he prefer some kind of apprenticeship? If he's truly unhappy there's really no point in him staying there.

Is he failing enough that it’s likely that he won’t pass the course? How long is the course for? Has he got any alternative plans if he wants to stop going? Is there something he can pinpoint that’s causing his stress that he can get support with?

I think you need to sit down together and work out a solution. Can he swap the hated subject for another? What does he want to do after college - point out that he needs to get through college in order to so this and how can you make it work.

A Levels are extremely hard and stressful, especially in the second year. Unless he has his heart set on University he should really consider a different path.

Are there any alternative providers near you? Can you help him dull into what the issues are, the actual subjects, the college itself, the nature of less structured study, friendships etc? Several of DDs friends went to local college and hated it, have now swapped back to the school 6th and are thriving with more structure and attention. Any options like that? Or even online study with a distance provider? Try and help him look for alternative options, whatever that might look like. It's so hard when they don't really know what they want to do bit have to choose now. College and a levels aren't right for everyone, there are loads of other great options. I know someone v bright who dropped out mid a levels, had a series of "crappy" jobs but ended up a bank manager once they found the training and employer for them.

I know several youngsters who realised in their first year that they'd made a mistake - some started again with different subjects (mainly moving from A Levels to BTEC) and some went off to do apprenticeships. All were much happier in the end. With some apprenticeships you can start mid-way through the year - so this could be a great way of getting away from the current misery if there's something that would suit him.

Would an apprenticeship or restarting year 12 be options for him? What does he hope to do longer term?

First off, a 17 year old who cries and says he hates it, who didn't previously have problems, needs to be listened to. Perhaps the college isn't the right place, or perhaps he's out of his depth academically, or perhaps he is depressed?
Secondly, it is much more common than people realise to have a false start in 6th form. We ask 16 year olds to narrow down drastically when many of them haven't a clue what they really want or are good at. Add to that the fact that they had two years of pandemic-affected education and maybe got out of a rhythm of working regularly and efficiently, and 6th form has hit many of them like a ton of bricks. Reassure your DS it's Ok if he thinks he's made a mistake. There's no shame in starting again in September with different subjects (if the choices are the issue) or even a different college if the culture where he is isn't the right fit. Also look at apprenticeships and more vocational courses.

I would look at another college and talk about just writing this year off.
It sounds like this is a huge change for him emotionally and something is clearly not working for him.

He is entitled to 3 years free college education so all is not lost. Look at other options for september. If he has always engaged well with education before then this does sound like an issue with choices rather than college as a whole.

My own son hated college and ended up leaving to do an apprenticeship. It was absolutely the right choice for him but he had struggles to engage in general with education for a couple of years before.

I'd consider re starting him somewhere completely different in September and start again. Look at available options and see can he home school in the meantime, perhaps get a bit of work experience or a part time job.

Would he prefer to do an apprenticeship? Full time education isn't for everyone. My ds leaves school this year and is doing an apprenticeship.

Start again?. Teens have had a shit few years with Covid. Not a big surprise that many will be all over the place with subjects and choices and results. I doubt any uni would bat an eyelid about an extra year at the moment.

It seems worth going into the school
With him for a chat about his options. If he's going to drop subject 3 anyway why not pick a different one now and do something he enjoys. If the issue is wider, he just hates the place then are there other options entirely.

From memory, A levels were extremely difficult compared to GCSEs. You go from bring spoon fed to having to do a lot of independent reading and learning. It's tough. I cried a lot too, although I didn't miss classes.

You need to talk to him and find out why he hates it. Is the work load too much, is the course very different to what he thought it would be? You need to know why this is happening if you can help him. Dropping out and starting again in September will not help him if he can't handle independent study.

It sounds like he needs to me learn learning skills (note taking, summarising, and picking out key information), as well as coping/emotional management skills.

Is there anything else going on? Is he perhaps not fitting in, or being bullied?

Maybe its not for him.

I think the trend in the UK towards only valuing the path to university at the expense of more suitable education and training pathways post 16 does the majority of teenagers and young adults an absolutely massive disservice.

Does he know what he wants to do long term? If he were very focused and goal driven and academic he could take the attitude that he's pushing through something he isn't enjoying because the destination (of something specific at university or a vocation to follow a certain career) is worth it long term.

However if he's doing A levels as a default because (like a lot of 16-17 year olds) it was just the path of least resistance and he doesn't really know what he wants then get him engaged with looking at apprenticeships and vocational training. Many alternative pathways still open the door to university later if its what he wants then, but also offer more marketable qualifications sooner and may be more engaging because more pragmatically useful/ practical/ just because they're something new!

Also, on the late front, he will have gone from classes back to back at school to having free periods in his week, so maybe there's something on the time management skill side as well?

At this stage, it might be worth checking with the college what his options are, ie what can be changed if he continues the course, or whether there is something else that would suit him better and he can start again in September. If he's really unhappy and can't see a way through after that, then leave and take his time to consider his next move.

This is what my nephew did - he wants to go into vehicle mechanics. He started off on a college course, hated it. He pulled out, got himself a part-time job and took his time to think hard about what he really wanted. He realised he definitely wants to do this, and despite the fact his grades weren't that good previously, he's got himself into uni. He was very pampered at home, extremely sheltered, no real friends and we thought he'd struggle. He loves it, loves the course, is determined to succeed and has a good group of friends.

It's not easy going through it, but it will work out.

He does not want to go to university at all.

He's come home today breaking his heart crying and said he wants to talk to his dad later. He said he feels something is wrong with him and he can't speak to his peers and just feels upset and awkward. He walked out when they were out in groups to the toilet and sat there for ages.

I'm really worried about his mental health, he seems not right at the moment at all.

I'm going to contact the GP tomorrow and get him an appointment and talk to college after

Non of our family have ever gone to uni, I guess college was just a progression from school before having to work.

As another poster said, he gets 3 years of free college education so now would be a good time to write off this year, get his confidence back up and plan something different for next year.
I wouldn’t underestimate the effect of lack of friendship. It will be colouring everything, making the academic side harder, making it hard to get out of bed. I know this as my daughter is socially anxious and spends all her free time in the toilets as she has no one to talk to. It’s really hard work to go through that every day.

Don’t panic too much. But do listen to him. Far too many young people are funnelled into A-levels when they really aren’t suited to them and would be far better in apprenticeships, vocational training or B/CTECs. I know several of my DD’s former classmates at secondary who bailed on A-levels after the first year and started again at different colleges doing different courses. It’s not a disaster to change your mind; it is a disaster to give up looking for anything better.

Did his friends go to different colleges? If so, it might help him to be where they are.
Antidepressants might help in the short term to take the edge off his feelings. GP can’t usually prescribe for under 18s but a private psychiatrist can.

Poor chap, has he experienced any issues previously. Might he be struggling academically or have an undiagnosed issue which is making things harder than for others?

What would sticking it out until the end of the year look like? He's done nearly 6 months and if they stop at the end of June, he's got just 4 months left.

If he's in such distress my worry would be that changing things, wouldn't fix things because the problem runs deeper than just not liking a particular subject.

Tbh, if he was my son and he was that unhappy, I would support him if he wanted to leave or change course. Has he said what he doesn’t like? Is he behind and struggling to catch up? Has he made friends? Is there a well-being team at the college, that can help support him?

It’s not the end of the world is it OP. Your son will be ok, he isn’t letting anyone down, if college isn’t right for him, it isn’t right. Make absolutely sure he knows that. Good luck.