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Original poster

DS17 hates college and I don't know what to do.

66 replies

GrogusMam · 22/02/2022 09:51

He's a sensitive boy, quiet and reserved.

He started college in September and hates it. He's gone from excellent attendance in high school with perfect punctuality to have nearly 3 hours of late minutes and constant time off.

One of the subjects out of 3 he chose he HATES. The other 2 he likes but just has zero enthusiasm for.

I'm constantly getting emails that he's late, not engaged, not doing homework, skipping lessons.

Every time I bring it up he cries and says it's all too much pressure wise. He isn't a crier.

I'm really worried for him. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

SNUG2022 · 22/02/2022 13:55

Tell him he can leave and just take the pressure off him. There's no point putting him through this. Enough is enough. He needs you to tell him it's all over. Then you can work on plan B. A levels are really hard and I wouldn't bother if not going yo uni. His weird feelings are anxiety and stress.

gingerhills · 22/02/2022 14:00

I would definitely write this year off and allow him to start again, in his own time. There is no reason he needs to lock into subjects he hates at such a young age. Way better to recognise the mistake, take time out, reassess and maybe go back to college later when he's matured and knows what he wants.

His health is top priority and it is crucial that he recognises that if he feels this way he is allowed to stop and heal, just as he would if he had a physical health crisis.

It sounds like he;s reached critical point. Let him withdraw from college, take a few weeks to calm down, get some therapy (self referral on NHS takes a few eeks but he's probably best off just resting at home first anyway, before diving into an therapy.

zafferana · 22/02/2022 14:00

OP if this is completely out of character I would listen to him - as a matter of urgency. It really wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if he dropped out at this point and got a job for the rest of the year and then restarted in Sept. Much better that than he becomes even more unhappy and fails the year anyway. Think creatively, talk to the college, talk to him about what he wants to do, tell him if it's not working you can find another solution. We all make mistakes and starting again after a false start in sixth form really isn't the end of the world.

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General education

LIZS · 22/02/2022 14:00

There will be Student Support Services at the college, can you encourage him to make an appointment!

SNUG2022 · 22/02/2022 14:11

I'd be careful about the college trying to make him stay as it will impact on their figures.

Original poster

GrogusMam · 22/02/2022 14:17

What happens if I allow him to just leave?

He can apply next September for different AS courses if he wishes or he can start an apprenticeship in September?

I assume his child benefit and CTC would stop? I know it's not the only thing to consider but I am on disability benefit and it would be alot of money to lose whilst still financially supporting him at home.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrogusMam · 22/02/2022 14:17

Sorry this September, 2022

OP posts:

SNUG2022 · 22/02/2022 14:31

I don't know about benefits, sorry.

I work at a college and we have quite a few students enrolled on courses and parents won't let them leave due to losing the money. The students don't attend and don't engage, and are eventually withdrawn anyway.

I don't know where you are, but there are loads of jobs around. McDonald's is actively recruiting 16 and 17 year olds. Also try the supermarkets.

gogohm · 22/02/2022 14:39

Ultimately his mental health is important. The transition to a levels is a huge jump and many youngsters struggle. A good alternative option would be an apprenticeship, this usually means one day at college and isn't easier but does suit many better as it's more work focussed. I would also suggest seeing his gp

Original poster

GrogusMam · 22/02/2022 15:01

@SNUG2022

I don't know about benefits, sorry.

I don't know where you are, but there are loads of jobs around. McDonald's is actively recruiting 16 and 17 year olds. Also try the supermarkets.

I wouldn't stop him leaving because of money but it's certainly a worry considering I would still be funding him but getting no money for him.

I don't know if going from college to a job would actually be helpful to him considering what he is saying right now. I really don't know

OP posts:

Timetobuckup · 22/02/2022 15:34

I would speak to the college and see what they advise. They may well be sympathetic to how he is feeling and see what they can put in place for September and some sort of level 2 study skills course in the meantime.

School are an awful lot better nowadays caring about students wellbeing than they used to be.

chocolateisavegetable · 23/02/2022 14:18

He can apply next September for different AS courses if he wishes or he can start an apprenticeship in September?

Just to reiterate - with some apprenticeships, you can start at any point in the year, not just in September. It depends on what he's interested in of course.

user1493494961 · 23/02/2022 14:28

It sounds like he would be happier working, help him look for a job .

Pinkflask · 23/02/2022 14:35

I teach in a college and this isn’t unusual. It’s true that he can’t switch courses at this point in the year but dropping out and starting again next year definitely happens. Pastoral staff would probably suggest riding it out until the end of the year if possible (as this keeps options open) but there’s been a few leave since Christmas with the intent of coming back next year. Often these students switch to a completely different path - vocational from A level, or arts from sciences. They can find their new experience of college to be totally different to the year before!

Original poster

GrogusMam · 24/02/2022 19:22

So today has been tough.

He was due in at 9am for a full day. All other kids are off school this week so noone woke up till 9am. So he was late.

It took him till 10.15 to leave the house. Very quiet and melancholy.

I got a txt 45 mins later from school saying he was registered absent.

He hadn't gone to school.

Me, DH and his brother all ringing him. He answered a few times and wouldn't really speak.

I panicked. Badly. The worst was going through my mind.

DH went to find him, and he was sat in the park alone.

He came back and was crying alot.

I told him he doesn't have to go back.

We have a meeting with college on Tuesday but I don't think they will be able to help.

I'm taking him to the GP tomorrow.

And am also looking into private counselling as I know NHS list is long.

Am quite stressed.

I am worried about his future. What he will do now, but I would rather worry about that than worry if he is actually going to come home each day :( Dramatic as that sounds.

OP posts:

Northernsoullover · 24/02/2022 19:30

This is what my son went through. We were extremely fortunate that it coincided with lockdown so he changed course in the September. He's doing BTEC now and he's like a different person.

gingerhills · 24/02/2022 19:30

Please don't worry about his future right now. It is not dependent o college . It's dependent on him getting well, so that's all you need to focus on. I'm so glad you told him he doesn't need to go back in.

Do look into NHS self referral. DS (also a teen) got some within a couple of weeks, ad so did I (to deal with anxiety about DS!)

MyDcAreMarvel · 24/02/2022 19:35

If your ds registers with connections or an other careers service then CB and CTC will continue for 20 weeks.

waltzingparrot · 24/02/2022 19:48

This all sounds so tough on you all but it will all work out in the end. You and DS just need some help in sorting out what the best course of action should be.

Several of DS's friends chose the wrong subjects/courses when they started college. They left and filled in with jobs before starting different courses the following September.

Sit down together and do a lot of research into what else colleges could offer - T levels, BTECs, etc. DS is on a Games Design course that has no exams, which was a major concern of his. Can he have a session with the careers advisor at college?

For you

nagsarse · 24/02/2022 20:00

If he's not planning on University, then he probably won't be in a much better position for finding work with A levels than with just GCSEs. He may be happier in a work environment (possibly with a day release college course). Is there some practical skill he's interested in, or a particular line of work he thinks he'd enjoy?

I'm sure he's feeling really low and has thought a lot about what he doesn't enjoy, so perhaps it would help to have a chat with him about what sort of thing he thinks he'd really like to do eventually- and see if you can think of a way to get him there. If he hates the college environment then an apprenticeship with a smaller employer might be more suitable.

For now, I would focus on helping him to do something positive and being happier. If he changes his mind later, it's always possible to retrain.

CottonSock · 24/02/2022 20:05

This happened to me at uni. Please let him change course or quit and yes take him to the doctors too. You sound totally like you are doing the right thing. Just reassuring him that you want him to be well. Poor lad it's tough.

MikeandDave · 24/02/2022 20:08

An alternative to an apprenticeship would be a something like a btec course in a subject he is interested in.

xxKatie9806xx · 24/02/2022 20:10

This sounds tough OP.

I left 6th form two months in…my parents were disappointed but supported my decision. I didn’t know what I wanted to do career wise so I wasn’t motivated in the subjects I’d chosen because I didn’t know if I’d ever use them.
I immediately got a full time job in retail, did that for 3 months, then tried my hand at a profession in hair and beauty trade but decided that wasn’t for me. I then joined a recruitment agency and got a job for the civil service where I had 10 years plus career working my way up.
If I were you, I would support his decision and try and sit down and try some different career options, and even then, he may not get it right first time.
Not sure about benefits but you could perhaps ask that if he’s working (and if he’s full time it should be £1k plus a month) that he starts contributing.
If he’s that unhappy, he can’t stay on. He can always go back to it later if he changes his mind.

Moonface123 · 24/02/2022 20:25

I had similar issues with my son when he was younger, he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, he started avoiding school.
l would take all the pressure off him, let him have an interruption re his education, if it is anxiety or panic he needs time out. There are other options out there. l homeschooled my son and was still entitled to child benefit etc, he much preferred learning at home, so many free resources now on youtube etc, can buy revision books from Amazon.
The most important thing now is your sons wellbeing, the future always has a way of working out.

Bagelsandbrie · 24/02/2022 20:43

Get him to the GP and get him signed off medically. Then the college can’t say anything and your benefits won’t be affected as he will still officially be at college. Look for other options - other colleges, different courses, apprenticeships etc etc. I wouldn’t put pressure on him to go in if he’s in this much of a state (my son aged 9 is currently medically signed off with anxiety from his specialist school whilst we apply for other places - he’s in his 3rd month off now).

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