DS17 hates college and I don't know what to do.

[GrogusMam]

He's a sensitive boy, quiet and reserved.

He started college in September and hates it. He's gone from excellent attendance in high school with perfect punctuality to have nearly 3 hours of late minutes and constant time off.

One of the subjects out of 3 he chose he HATES. The other 2 he likes but just has zero enthusiasm for.

I'm constantly getting emails that he's late, not engaged, not doing homework, skipping lessons.

Every time I bring it up he cries and says it's all too much pressure wise. He isn't a crier.

I'm really worried for him. I just don't know what to do.

Our DS was like this. He quit college and took what we call "a gap year" (actually, he stacked shelves at Homebase). He ended up at the end of the year with cash in the bank and a real understanding of what he wanted to do for A-levels. He was accepted by the local college and went through them like a breeze. Let him quit if he wants to, take some time to think - with a job, not just bumming around. He's not ready for it yet, IMO.

@Bagelsandbrie

Get him to the GP and get him signed off medically. Then the college can’t say anything and your benefits won’t be affected as he will still officially be at college. Look for other options - other colleges, different courses, apprenticeships etc etc. I wouldn’t put pressure on him to go in if he’s in this much of a state (my son aged 9 is currently medically signed off with anxiety from his specialist school whilst we apply for other places - he’s in his 3rd month off now).

Oh I didn't realise that was an option. What did you say to the GP? How do you go about it? Just contact the college with what, a sick note from the GP? Does it last indefinitely or does it have to be reviewed

Find the right person to talk to and go into the college and talk through what is happening now, and options. Don't do it over the phone - well, I guess a video call or a phone call is better than nothing, but this is something that is better done face to face.

It may take a couple of appointments so that you can talk things through afterwards and go back if necessary. As everyone says, there are options - it may be that A' Levels are not for him and a BTec or apprenticeship in Sept would be a better option. Or different A' Levels.

Colleges are difficult places for a lot of teenagers - they go from being known, monitored and cared about to being one of hundreds of anonymous unknowns. But most colleges have someone who can help - nobody will want him to stay on a course he's going to fail or be miserable doing. If you're not sure who's who, check out the college website - he'll have a tutor, someone who line manages them and possibly mentors/student support workers. Choose the most senior person who your son feels at least knows him and take it from there.

@GrogusMam make an appointment with the Gp and then explain what’s happening and say you need a medical note. That’s all we did. The Gp should be able to give you one. The Gp can make the sick note as long as they feel is necessary- ours says until our son is offered a new placement at a particular school. If that school says no (we are waiting to hear) we will need another sick note whilst we explore other options.

He wouldn’t have to start an apprenticeship in September many of them advertise start dates throughout the year. My son started his in November after deciding a levels wasn’t for him.

There are lots of them advertised on the gov website.

I don't speak from experience, but I have an idea that you can get a 20-week extension of benefits when a young person leaves education, provided that they register with Connexions. I have heard that the young person doesn't have to actually DO anything, just be registered.

Ask someone more knowledgeable about how this works!

www.gov.uk/government/publications/child-benefit-apply-for-extension-ch299

OP
Have you checked if the college has a wellbeing team?

If you push, he CAN drop the subject he hates. The college won't like mid year drops because it affects their retention rates, but that's not your problem.

Having been in this situation recently with my 17 year old, my advice would be put this on pause…stop now.
My 17 year old who has not had MH issues before began self harming, stopped talking and eating and stayed in his room constantly because he was so unhappy at college.

I took him 100% seriously.
Told him i this. Told him he didn’t have to go, made a GP appointment and researched MH support. He got ADs, began speaking tp a councillor over the phone for assessment and we started a simple routine.
Shower at 10, dressed by 11, food at 12, a Netflix programme after that, that kind of thing.

I was desperately worried about him like I’d never been worried before.

We loaded with the pastoral people at college who put a plan in place.
He went back part time until it got too much again.
I don’t know how we got through it to be honest. Had I not intervened I don’t know what would have happened to him. This was totally out of character.
College made him ill.

I looked at the great big picture for him.
I concluded that he has years in front of him, so many other choices and paths. I am not contributing to his illness by forcing him into what was making him so very unwell.

All the best op, it’s so so difficult, please trust your gut with this. Know that you/ he has choices here.
You don’t have to continue this path.

The GP is a good start. Get him signed off.

He needs some time to think about what he wants to do. He's only 17 he probably doesn't even know who he is.

A Levels are not right for everyone and if you are not going to uni are of limited value.

Would he like to have a job? An apprenticeship.

I hated my VI form and being forced to stay meant, well I spent a lot of time wandering around town rather than attending and suffering from depression.

He’s not interested or engaged in college, so he shouldn’t be there and of course it’s making him feel awful.

Get some careers advice for him, some psychometric career tests online to locate strengths/interests.

Look at apprenticeships. Lots of children aren’t suited to the college route but blossom in apprenticeships where they are valued as team members, earn and learn on the job. This route also gives a meaningful head start in the world of work, often college students are lacking in relative workplace experience

@Bagelsandbrie

Get him to the GP and get him signed off medically. Then the college can’t say anything and your benefits won’t be affected as he will still officially be at college. Look for other options - other colleges, different courses, apprenticeships etc etc. I wouldn’t put pressure on him to go in if he’s in this much of a state (my son aged 9 is currently medically signed off with anxiety from his specialist school whilst we apply for other places - he’s in his 3rd month off now).

We went to the GP today and they said they don't sign college students off school and to contact the college :(

I haven't read all the responses but neither of my two kids stayed in formal education after their GCSEs. I found that incredibly difficult initially as come from an academic background but they seem to be happy and doing well. DS started an apprenticeship and now, at 19, has a permanent position within his chosen industry. DD started hairdressing college, hated it and dropped out. She is now training to become a personal trainer while working in retail part time. She is happy and while she doesn't know what she wants to do long term, she's earning money, meeting new people and learning new skills.

My advice would be to stay calm, keep talking and don't force him to continue going if he really hates it. He will figure it out and it's OK to take the scenic route at his age. I said to mine that, as long as they either work, go to school or a combination of the two, I'm happy. What I wouldn't accept is them doing nothing as I think having a purpose is incredibly important.

Maybe college isnt for him? Would he ring the National Careers Service to talk through options? Maybe an apprenticeship? Maybe a full time job?

Such a worry OP. How’s things been over the weekend?

I think many colleges who cater for A level students are really ill-equipped to deal with students other than on a production line - they arrive, stay for two years and they don't seem to care and merely a funding stream for them. There seems to be a growing trend of "shape up or ship out" often the teachers are so set on getting rid of students who won't reach the target grades that they actively make it worse for students. I honestly think that school sixth forms are in many way preferable

twelly is that new though? 30 years ago on my first day of A level history at a sixth form college our teacher told us almost word for word "50% of you are only here to keep out of the rain, another 20% of you are here to please your parents - I'm here for the remaining 30% and I'd appreciate anyone not here to study A level history allowing those who are to learn something" but on the other hand he was right...

Better change course early if he knows it's not right for him, no point sitting out a year in misery.