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Original poster

OH expects me to give up my job as a new mum

72 replies

Meg2021 · 21/02/2022 15:22

I moved cities to live with my OH and changed jobs 4 years ago. I left a job I loved and later regretted it as it was a job to stay in till retirement!

After a lot of problematic jobs in his home town, I returned to my city and found a similar job with the same employer, pandemic hit and pregnancy so I have been on maternity but employed for 18 months.

Now it’s time to go back to work back in my own city, my OH keeps looking for houses to buy where he lives! I’ve told him that I can not buy a house if I don’t have work. He doesn’t want to move to my city as he says his job is in his town. He runs his own company and mostly works from home. Also his family are here with His mum constantly trying to ‘look after’ my baby with out my permission! They influence him too much too.

I work in IT so if I do t return to work, I will fall behind and possibly never get another job, I have worked hard for my career and don’t want to give up work or independent! Specially that he has dragged his feet in getting married and has never made me feel financially secure.

The issue of housing is a major one, since renting in my city is very expensive and so is buying.

We are stuck, he keeps saying he wants a house here but I can’t find work where he is. He doesn’t want to move as he has never moved before even though he can work remotely and come back for work.

I don’t want to split up with him as our baby is young and we need one another but I feel I am being forced to choose between my OH and my work! I came here for him, I gave up my work I liked and lived here for 4 years, why can’t he do the same for me to support me back to work?

I am upset, it feels like the world is against me returning from maternity to work. The cost of housing and childcare alone eat up all my salary so I need Dad to help here.

What would other mums do?

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 21/02/2022 15:25

Slightly confused - do you not live together now?
My view is that you shouldn’t give up your financial independence and in fact it is vital when you’re a parent / especially a mum
Is there a compromise - ie a half way point you could both be happy with?
To be honest I think you both sound very set that you need to be in a certain place only which doesn’t sound good

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 15:26

I wouldn't trust your partner any further than I could throw him. There is definitely something off about him and his expectations of you. I also wouldn't even consider moving back to where he lives. You could be trapped there with a useless partner and no financial security or independence. You may have to accept that this relationship just won't work out.

rubyslippers · 21/02/2022 15:26

He’s dragged his feet getting married
Doesn’t make you feel financially secure
Are both these things on purpose?

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Families

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2022 15:26

Keep working definitely otherwise you are too reliant on him

Where do you live at the moment

Topseyt · 21/02/2022 15:28

Just to clarify, as your post is a little muddled, you have moved back to your previous city, got work with your previous employer again and are still living there, still have your job to return to?

If that is right then keep your job. Don't move again and repeat the same mistake. This won't improve. You may need to put your child in nursery or with a childminder, and he should contribute to the cost.

Hoppinggreen · 21/02/2022 15:30

You probably should have sorted all this out before you had a baby with him really
However, it’s too late now so do what best for you and baby and prepare to be a single mother

MandUs · 21/02/2022 15:39

Don't give up your job without being married.
He's not putting you and baby first so you need to look out for yourself and do what gives you and your child the most security.

Lou98 · 21/02/2022 15:40

Where do you live currently? Do you not live together?

What was the agreement before having the baby?

It's hard as neither of you want to move to the others town and I don't really think it's fair to say either are being unreasonable when neither want to move.

How far away are your towns from eachother? Is there somewhere in the middle that would suit you being able to go to work at your current job but also your Partner being near his?

I agree that you shouldn't give up your job, especially as it's one you love but if there is no way to compromise that you're both happy with then either long distance or splitting up may be your only options

Original poster

Meg2021 · 21/02/2022 15:44

We live together in his town, while I was pregnant our work moved to remote working and so I didn’t relocate for my work! But now I have to return to my city for work after maternity!

Yes he had dragged his feet in getting married. His mum actively has discouraged her boys from getting married as it might cost the financially! Also his company is owned by his parents! Yes there’s the real motive..

I can’t not work in his city I have exhausted all options tbh, if I don’t keep my job now I will struggled to get new work. Also his are is really not so good for kids schools..

I think I will have to move with baby and just face the music

OP posts:

Susu49 · 21/02/2022 15:50

@Aquamarine1029

This.

Definitely keep your job and live in a place appropriate for you.

Do not move near his family

rubyslippers · 21/02/2022 15:53

@Meg2021

We live together in his town, while I was pregnant our work moved to remote working and so I didn’t relocate for my work! But now I have to return to my city for work after maternity!

I can’t not work in his city I have exhausted all options tbh, if I don’t keep my job now I will struggled to get new work. Also his are is really not so good for kids schools..

I think I will have to move with baby and just face the music

Run Keep your job, go to your home city and build your career He won’t get married coz his mum says he may lose £££ She will never have your back and nor will her son I do not see any benefit in being with your partner who is uncommitted

Theunamedcat · 21/02/2022 15:54

Can you not continue remote working?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 15:56

Like I said, you can't trust him any further than you can throw him. His twat of a mother will make sure you get absolutely nothing, and he's pathetic enough that he lives by mummy's word. You can't possibly get away from him fast enough.

Octomore · 21/02/2022 16:00

This man is not going to marry you, he doesn't see you as a true partnership. You're there to dance to his tune.

Keep your job. Don't throw away your financial independence for a man who isn't acting like he has your best interests at heart.

Why do you think you "need each other". You don't need him. It's fucked up, codependent thinking.

And it goes without saying, don't have another child with this man unless you manage to get to a position where your future plans are aligned with his. Listen to his actions, not his words.

Chloemol · 21/02/2022 16:01

Move to your city as that’s where the job is, and as you say you can’t find work where you are now

He cane work from home, therefore work from your city

You have moved to be with him, now he can move to be with you, he needs to put his big boy pants on

That said, think about what going to happen long term if he has t9 be near mummy

Original poster

Meg2021 · 21/02/2022 16:01

@Aquamarine1029

Unfortunately not, my work have gone back to 100% in person working..

The employer is huge so I have another job application I’m working on so I could work hybrid but I still need to be in the same town.

OP posts:

Octomore · 21/02/2022 16:01

@Hoppinggreen

You probably should have sorted all this out before you had a baby with him really However, it’s too late now so do what best for you and baby and prepare to be a single mother

I agree with this.

NowEvenBetter · 21/02/2022 16:01

Keep your job, obviously. Don’t do anything for this guy, he’s just a boyfriend and doesn’t get the benefits of having a wife sacrifice her career to raise his kid for him when he’s refusing to provide legal protections.

Icebear99 · 21/02/2022 16:07

With IT if you stop working for any length of time you will have to start learning again, it moves on very quickly. If he won’t move to support you then he’s telling you the kind of person he is, leave now and you’ll be better off in the long run.

somanylies · 21/02/2022 16:09

The world is not against you. Your partner is.

He isn't reciprocating the sacrifice you made, as he never saw it as a sacrifice. Because he does not really see you as a person in your own right, with your own ambitions and dreams. You are just there to facilitate the life he wants. At your own risk. He won't marry you as he is transferring all risk from him to you.

Do not give up your dreams and your and financial independence for this man. You will regret it for the rest of your life. And you don't want to live with that sort of pain.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 21/02/2022 16:26

How far away from each other are the cities? You may have short yourself in the foot by moving to his town and having the baby there. If it’s far enough away he could apply to court to try and get an order so the baby can’t move, especially if he has his mumsie in his ear and can help him finance it.
Have you done the maths to see if you can afford rent and childcare on your own? If you can I would move sooner rather than later, the more roots you and the baby put down there the harder it will be to leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/02/2022 16:33

He’s not interested in what you want or need or what’s best for you. Stop caring what he thinks or even considering putting him first. His mother sounds like bad news, I assume you knew that before having a baby with him?

Focus on yourself. You say the two of you need each other? Do you really though? He’s selfish and hasn’t cut the apron strings with his controlling mother. Keep your job, you’d be utterly mad to consider not going back. Mad. Your child needs you to be stable and secure. Unfortunately your partner doesn’t want those things for you. It’s decision time. Do the right thing for you and your baby!

Suprima · 21/02/2022 16:34

He doesn’t get wifey benefits of female career sacrifice as long as he drags his heels.

He is your boyfriend - nothing more. Nothing partner-ly here either.

Separate and move back with your baby. Do not stay together under any circumstances as he will continue to benefit by having you in his life. If you are worried about childcare I know lots of remote tech employers would be very flexible and allow you to work out of hours as long as the work gets done- so I would jump on LinkedIn and see what is out there remotely.

Notwithittoday · 21/02/2022 16:35

Not a chance I’d trust him. Move back to your city, keep your financial independence and he can start making some sacrifices

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/02/2022 16:37

@Notwithittoday

Not a chance I’d trust him. Move back to your city, keep your financial independence and he can start making some sacrifices

This. He's had long enough. Start house hunting

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