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Original poster

OH expects me to give up my job as a new mum

72 replies

Meg2021 · 21/02/2022 15:22

I moved cities to live with my OH and changed jobs 4 years ago. I left a job I loved and later regretted it as it was a job to stay in till retirement!

After a lot of problematic jobs in his home town, I returned to my city and found a similar job with the same employer, pandemic hit and pregnancy so I have been on maternity but employed for 18 months.

Now it’s time to go back to work back in my own city, my OH keeps looking for houses to buy where he lives! I’ve told him that I can not buy a house if I don’t have work. He doesn’t want to move to my city as he says his job is in his town. He runs his own company and mostly works from home. Also his family are here with His mum constantly trying to ‘look after’ my baby with out my permission! They influence him too much too.

I work in IT so if I do t return to work, I will fall behind and possibly never get another job, I have worked hard for my career and don’t want to give up work or independent! Specially that he has dragged his feet in getting married and has never made me feel financially secure.

The issue of housing is a major one, since renting in my city is very expensive and so is buying.

We are stuck, he keeps saying he wants a house here but I can’t find work where he is. He doesn’t want to move as he has never moved before even though he can work remotely and come back for work.

I don’t want to split up with him as our baby is young and we need one another but I feel I am being forced to choose between my OH and my work! I came here for him, I gave up my work I liked and lived here for 4 years, why can’t he do the same for me to support me back to work?

I am upset, it feels like the world is against me returning from maternity to work. The cost of housing and childcare alone eat up all my salary so I need Dad to help here.

What would other mums do?

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 21/02/2022 16:38

Move back to your city and do it yourself.

formalineadeline · 21/02/2022 16:44

I think I will have to move with baby and just face the music

Yes. Don't let him do you out of a job again or kill your career.

It's not the world against you like you said in your op, just him. Which says a lot about him.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 21/02/2022 16:47

I wouldn't give up my job for this man even if he did decide to marry you. Looks like his parents would help screw you over if anything went wrong

Go back to were you work, don't give up your career for this guy

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Families
Adelais · 21/02/2022 16:55

Definitely don’t give up the job if you’re not married.
How far apart are the two places? Is there anywhere in the middle you could move to as a compromise?

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/02/2022 16:59

He can’t marry because Mummy says he can’t 🤣 sounds healthy doesn’t it?.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/02/2022 17:00

I did this, gave up my career and moved to his home town. Never regretted anything more in my life. My saving grace was that I was married so got a decent settlement from divorce in the end. Mind you it was nothing compared to the career I gave up and the time out that meant I have never recovered from it. To so unmarried is madness. But honestly I would never do advise it married either, once that power imbalance is in place with these types of men, they never stop making you pay for it.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 21/02/2022 17:11

I agree with pretty much everyone else. A man who was committed to you and saw you as an equal partner would be just as concerned about your career as you are. He would be talking about your future, how best to achieve what you need as a partnership.

This guy isn't acting in your best interests. He's no partner, just a selfish boyfriend. You deserve better.

Lookingforatimeslip · 21/02/2022 17:13

So you need to be in a particular city to work, he works for the family busy and can do it remotely, I’d move back to the city I needed to work in. If he wanted to come he could but it sounds like he’s very unsupportive!

TravellingFrom · 21/02/2022 17:17

Do not under any circumstances give up your job.

You’ve tried working in his town. It didn’t work.
You need another organisation, one that allows you to work in your company.
If he works from home, tbh the answer is an easy one. But that’s not the issue is it? The issue is the fact your DH can’t be separate ‘from mummy’ and she takes precedence over you….

Direwolfwrangler · 21/02/2022 17:22

Keep your job, ditch your boyfriend. You don’t need him or his family.

Howshouldibehave · 21/02/2022 17:22

How far away is the job from your current home?

Your DH and his family don’t sound terribly nice!

Where did you live before, when you worked in your home town? I’m presuming you didn’t get the job and then the pandemic started the next day? How did you get to/intend to get to this work place then?

Mint5 · 21/02/2022 17:27

Definitely keep your job. It’s crystal clear.

His family is trouble, he will never put you first.

Please keep your independence.

2catsandhappy · 21/02/2022 17:33

Please don't give up your job/pension/independence.
Will a job, maintenance and half nursery fees be enough to live on?

Neenawneenaw76 · 21/02/2022 17:39

No way would I give up my career, I was in a better position than you ok n that I was married and when my DH tried to get me to give up work, well let's just say he broached the subject once. Your job and career is your security but you know the, never give it up no Matt what you have to do xx

IntermittentParps · 21/02/2022 17:51

In the immortal words of Bernard Black in Black Books, he can expect away.
Find a job you love. Go for it. He and his family sound like trouble.

Fireflygal · 21/02/2022 17:53

But honestly I would never do advise it married either, once that power imbalance is in place with these types of men, they never stop making you pay for it

1000%.

How old is the baby? If you start to establish nursery/school in his area then he can stop your child moving. It could get seriously ugly, especially if his family are also on his side

I know it seems such a tough choice but hardship now could save you lots of pain in the future.

affairsofdragons · 21/02/2022 18:01

@Meg2021

We live together in his town, while I was pregnant our work moved to remote working and so I didn’t relocate for my work! But now I have to return to my city for work after maternity!

Yes he had dragged his feet in getting married. His mum actively has discouraged her boys from getting married as it might cost the financially! Also his company is owned by his parents! Yes there’s the real motive..

I can’t not work in his city I have exhausted all options tbh, if I don’t keep my job now I will struggled to get new work. Also his are is really not so good for kids schools..

I think I will have to move with baby and just face the music

He's prioritising himself over everyone and everything else.

I'd dump him and pursue child maintenance. Live where you have good employment opportunities and leave him behind.

Drinkingallthewine · 21/02/2022 18:04

No no no... if you stay, you'll have no job. Then you'll have no choice but to take 'his' money. Then you'll be framed as a money grabber. You'll also probably be expected to wait on him hand and foot.

Honestly there's no winning with men like this. They see women as financial drains conveniently overlooking the fact that they are the ones who persuaded or insisted or arranged matters so a woman had no option but to quit work and look after the children full time.

These forums are awash with the tears of the women who are further down that road that he's asking you to step on. And they get fucked over. Every time. Learn from their mistakes.

Graphista · 21/02/2022 18:05

Specially that he has dragged his feet in getting married and has never made me feel financially secure.

DO NOT give up your job

He sounds awful to be honest

I wouldn't trust your partner any further than I could throw him

Me neither - he sounds completely incapable of change or compromise - essentials to being a good partner or parent

I really think this relationship won't last, mainly as he is won't commit and won't prioritise you and baby

Was baby even planned?

Move back to where your work is, plan as if you are a single mother as I reckon you will be before long and would be even if you did all he asked but this way you gave a job and security for you and baby

Might be worth checking online benefits calculators too. See where you'll stand

Snowdon564 · 21/02/2022 18:07

Firstly congratulations on being able to see his dragged his feet with regards to getting married and that makes you financially vulnerable and could easily trap you into a life, unfortunately I wasn’t clever enough to see this and paying the price, which is devastating.

Stay in your city and keep your job, he can relocate but doesn’t want to because he wants you dependant on him whilst he will never actually commit to you and bring you into the family.

Stay sensible, don’t let your heart take over….madness lays that way.

VivX · 21/02/2022 18:07

@Meg2021

We live together in his town, while I was pregnant our work moved to remote working and so I didn’t relocate for my work! But now I have to return to my city for work after maternity!

Yes he had dragged his feet in getting married. His mum actively has discouraged her boys from getting married as it might cost the financially! Also his company is owned by his parents! Yes there’s the real motive..

I can’t not work in his city I have exhausted all options tbh, if I don’t keep my job now I will struggled to get new work. Also his are is really not so good for kids schools..

I think I will have to move with baby and just face the music

It's not his company, then. It's his parents' company and they call the shots on it, if they own all the shares.

Red flags all over his situation and his attitude to be honest.

MadMadMadamMim · 21/02/2022 18:29

Just tell him, Sorry. As an unmarried mother I won't be giving up my job. I'll be re-locating with baby back to Oldtown as soon as my maternity leave is up. What you choose to do is up to you, but expecting me to rely on you to support me is ridiculous.

WallaceinAnderland · 21/02/2022 18:33

OP you sound like you've got your head screwed on so go back to work, move back to your city and raise the baby on your own. If he wants to be with you he will find a way but don't hold your breath.

Talia99 · 21/02/2022 18:33

If you think he might try and keep your child, I’d suggest getting legal advice about moving. If you are going to have to get court permission to move, you need to start the process as soon as possible.

tothemoonandbackbuses · 21/02/2022 18:40

I would in your position move back to where my job is. The relationship doesn’t have to end he can come and see you at the weekends, maybe stay a bit and wfh at yours. But not so much that he’s moved in by stealth. He may wish to move once you are settled and the more he’s away from his mother.
Obviously he has to pay half of the child costs and contribute when he visits to food etc.
be calm consistent and don’t take any shit. If his mother is doing batshit to him it will push him away from her. Before he moves in with you, you need the wedding booked if that’s what you want.

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