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Original poster

OH expects me to give up my job as a new mum

72 replies

Meg2021 · 21/02/2022 15:22

I moved cities to live with my OH and changed jobs 4 years ago. I left a job I loved and later regretted it as it was a job to stay in till retirement!

After a lot of problematic jobs in his home town, I returned to my city and found a similar job with the same employer, pandemic hit and pregnancy so I have been on maternity but employed for 18 months.

Now it’s time to go back to work back in my own city, my OH keeps looking for houses to buy where he lives! I’ve told him that I can not buy a house if I don’t have work. He doesn’t want to move to my city as he says his job is in his town. He runs his own company and mostly works from home. Also his family are here with His mum constantly trying to ‘look after’ my baby with out my permission! They influence him too much too.

I work in IT so if I do t return to work, I will fall behind and possibly never get another job, I have worked hard for my career and don’t want to give up work or independent! Specially that he has dragged his feet in getting married and has never made me feel financially secure.

The issue of housing is a major one, since renting in my city is very expensive and so is buying.

We are stuck, he keeps saying he wants a house here but I can’t find work where he is. He doesn’t want to move as he has never moved before even though he can work remotely and come back for work.

I don’t want to split up with him as our baby is young and we need one another but I feel I am being forced to choose between my OH and my work! I came here for him, I gave up my work I liked and lived here for 4 years, why can’t he do the same for me to support me back to work?

I am upset, it feels like the world is against me returning from maternity to work. The cost of housing and childcare alone eat up all my salary so I need Dad to help here.

What would other mums do?

OP posts:

Simonjt · 21/02/2022 18:45

How far away is the old city? Would it be feasible to live between the two places and you both commute?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 21/02/2022 18:48

He doesn’t want to move as he has never moved before even though he can work remotely and come back for work.

He sounds as if he hasn't really left home, with the involvement of his mother, his parents owning his company etc.

ATM marriage is neither here nor there. You can earn a good salary, it would be madness to throw yourself on his financial mercy and , as you say, abandon your career (with attendant pension contributions etc) for ever. FAR too big a risk.

You moved when you could. It is now his turn to see what is a priority and act. You NEED to return to work, he can work from there, so it is obvious what needs to happen.

If he refuses it is because he is a cowardly weak individual tied to his parents apron strings and his horizons are too small and too unadventurous to consider moving anywhere.

He is a Dad now - he needs to act in the interests of the family as a whole - his and your new family - and support you to get back to work!

I would be telling him that very directly.

And in the end, just go. You will have your income, child benefit and he will have to pay child maintenance. You might be able to get UC top-up if that doesn't cover your rent and living costs. Childcare becomes a bit cheaper once they reach one year, because the staffing ratios change, and at 3 the free hours kick in.

Chestofdraws · 21/02/2022 18:49

Please please do not give up your livelihood and financial independence for this man. He’s made it clear, he’s not marrying you. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet. You’ve given enough. Don’t let him steal more.

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cdba88 · 21/02/2022 18:49

Do not give up your job without being married. You're leaving yourself and potentially your child extremely vulnerable.

He sounds like a complete knob, you'd be well rid.

PragmaticWench · 21/02/2022 18:54

Even if you were married, I'd not give up your job lightly. Giving up a career type job would only be sensible if your husband earned enough to pay into a decent pension for you AND could afford to compensate for your loss of potential future earnings, which usually reduces massively with extended time out of the workforce.

JeffThePilot · 21/02/2022 18:55

@Talia99

If you think he might try and keep your child, I’d suggest getting legal advice about moving. If you are going to have to get court permission to move, you need to start the process as soon as possible.

This was my thinking too. Whatever his chances of success in court, there’s nothing to stop him applying for a prohibited steps order to prevent you moving with your child, then you’ll be stuck in the court process for who knows how long while it all gets sorted out.

Staryflight445 · 21/02/2022 18:59

So it’s not his business then, he’s working for his parents business.
Op, why are you sticking around? Do not give up your career.

BOOTS52 · 21/02/2022 19:02

You know in your gut what you need to do and there is some great advise here and please listen as a lot of us older and wish we had advise like this and mumsnet when we were younger. First of all can he not compromise and move to a place that is between both cities? If he is not willing to compromise on this then that is your answer. I would keep your job and stay with the company that you have good employment with a future. You will be miserable if you move to his town and his interfering mum and he will never marry as the parents are controlling of their assets and it will be harder to then move when your child is older. Move now and he will have to pay maintenance which will help towards childcare. Please get some advice on how much he earns and will have to pay you, taking in the cost of childcare. He does not seem to offer the support you need and think of your career which you worked hard for.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/02/2022 19:04

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't trust your partner any further than I could throw him. There is definitely something off about him and his expectations of you. I also wouldn't even consider moving back to where he lives. You could be trapped there with a useless partner and no financial security or independence. You may have to accept that this relationship just won't work out.

He won’t give you financial protection. He is doing this on purpose despite you being the mother of his child. You already know this.

You MUST protect your ability to earn to ensure your child is provided for which means you must go back to work ERGO.. you need to be living within commuting distance of your employer

WouldIwasShookspeared · 21/02/2022 19:05

Like fuck would I give up my job to be a sahm with a man I wasn't married to.

In your shoes I would keep my job and retain my financial independence as my priority.

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/02/2022 19:09

He's not committed to you at all. Do what suits you because he's half way out the door already.

affairsofdragons · 21/02/2022 19:12

He and his parents will always come first.
He and his parents will always come first.
He and his parents will always come first.

Run.

NeverChange · 21/02/2022 19:18

He has pretty much forced your hand. He may not see it that way but

you have zero financial protection under his plan
he has total control
he won't compromise
you did & tried
it's far too unequal

Crimesean · 21/02/2022 19:20

You are clearly aware of how very financially vulnerable you are, being unmarried.

Do not compromise, if you throw your career away to appease this man-child who can't prioritise his partner and child.

Crimesean · 21/02/2022 19:20

*you will regret it

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2022 19:22

If You aren’t married, don’t give up your job, you’ll have zero financial security. Make or break time, he now needs to compromise for you (as you did for him moving to his town) and move to your city. If he can mostly work from home, it’s surely a no brainer?

WonderfulYou · 21/02/2022 19:31

Can you compromise and move somewhere in between depending on the distance.

Do you have support from your parents?
Do PIL do any of the childcare?

It is nice to have support from PIL but if he WFH it’s of course easier to move closer to your work.

Definitely don’t give up your job.

stuntbubbles · 21/02/2022 19:41

we need one another
Do you really? What does he bring to the party?

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 19:51

Could you rent a 2/3 bed house and get a live in au pair? Would that help with costs? Child care is so expensive these days, but someone to look after DC and do a few house chores might help. Free board and spend might work for a young person. They'd also get x evenings to socialise too. You could live a little out of the city to keep rent costs down too.

TillyTopper · 21/02/2022 19:55

Personally I think this has shown his true colours. He pay lip service in supporting your choices and career, but clearly doesn't. He's mummy's boy tied to the family company. I have to ask... do you want to be tied to them for the rest of your life? If not perhaps think about staying in your career in the place you like and going it alone. I honestly don't think you and him are on the same page. Is he threatened by you and your career by any chance?

mathanxiety · 21/02/2022 20:06

You need to stay where you are and keep your job.

Do not give up your job. Do not move.

This man's mother owns him, lock, stock, and barrel. He has shown you his true colours - he had several years in which he could have proposed and shown interest in putting you first in his life but he didn't - and he won't.

Ultimately you need to dump him. He is a weakling and his mother is a nightmare.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2022 20:08

I mean go to your original city, and keep your job.

He's offering you absolutely nothing.

Except misery and powerlessness.

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