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Original poster

Aargh! Does anyone have male friends that don't want to get into your knickers?!!

53 replies

shilohh · 18/02/2022 08:21

I know the answer is yes obviously! However, for me it's not happening and I don't understand why!

I have always had male friends though majority are female. But from the male ones I would say there's been a few whom I have been very close with, as much as my close female friends. All these male friends have tried to make a move on me, I tell them I'm not interested and then things just get weird and I lose the friendship.

This has happened 3 times now. Once in my twenties with a uni friend, one with a friend I made at work and then recently with a friend from a hobby I've been involved in. This one I'm the most upset about. I'm so annoyed at him. We are so good together and he just "gets" me. I'm so comfortable with him and love him to bits We see each other every week via hobby and text / call most days..that will be all gone. I feel I'm mourning a death. I feel so sad.

Its made me feel that it's no point in making friends with men anymore if all they want is sex / relationship etc. I just want their friendship without the other crap!

OP posts:

5thnonblonde · 18/02/2022 08:25

I don’t have many friends I call or text daily to be honest

FriendProblem · 18/02/2022 08:32

@5thnonblonde

I don’t have many friends I call or text daily to be honest

I agree. This sounds like an intense level of friendship that is providing the emotional benefits of being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised the boundaries are getting blurred.

Original poster

shilohh · 18/02/2022 08:32

Its not daily more like every other day and it's mainly texts and we call when we need to have a bit of a catch up.

OP posts:

planningtomakeaplan · 18/02/2022 08:34

I have a fair few of male friends I've known for years, since we were teens, who I adore and have never made moves on me.

I don't text any of them daily though, and although they know me well because of our shared history and time together, I wouldn't say any of them really "get me" in the intimate way you suggest here.

None of that is a criticism! But it sounds like your friendship with this guy was much closer than most and pretty special. Much closer than I am with my partner and father of my children tbh!

Friendships like that don't come along often and - if both sides fancy each other - this would be the basis for a wonderful relationship, so I don't blame the guy at all for thinking there could be more and I don't think you should either tbh (which is not what I thought I would say on the basis of the title of this thread!)

JMAngel1 · 18/02/2022 08:36

Are you in a relationship? If so, that’s really rude of him. If not, it sounds like you may have been giving mixed messages - that does sound like a very intense friendship.
If you are single, and you get on so well, why would you not want to give a relationship a try?

HollowTalk · 18/02/2022 08:38

I think if you are both single then those guys are obviously thinking there is a chance of a relationship with you. Of course if you are with someone anyway and they are trying for a friends with benefits thing that is completely different.

Original poster

shilohh · 18/02/2022 08:43

I don't think it's intense the amount of contact that I have. I don't know know. I have a female text group which is very active. Someone is always texting on there. Its just laughs , having a moan etc. Not any different with male friend.

Thanks planningtomakeaplan I get what you're saying but the thing that has made me really mad at him ( and he knows he's out of order) is that I'm married. I'm going through a bad patch with my marriage which I feel he's seen as an opportunity to make his move. This is why I've ended the friendship.

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 18/02/2022 08:47

Its made me feel that it's no point in making friends with men anymore if all they want is sex / relationship etc.

Yeah to be honest I think that’s a fairly normal and understandable conclusion for an adult woman to reach. I don’t know any women who seek out close one-on-one friendships that are purely platonic with men, or vice versa. I have platonic male friends, but the parameters are different.

MiddleParking · 18/02/2022 08:52

the thing that has made me really mad at him ( and he knows he's out of order) is that I'm married. I'm going through a bad patch with my marriage which I feel he's seen as an opportunity to make his move.

That doesn’t surprise me tbh, I think an awful lot of men would behave like that if the opportunity presented itself. Ultimately they’re socialised to feel entitled.

Planetzero1 · 18/02/2022 08:53

I’ve never had a genuine friendship with a male. They always make a pass. I have lost good friends and colleagues over the years because of it as it was just too uncomfortable and basically they were out of order eg married/trying it on when they knew I wasn’t interested/put a lot of pressure on me.

JMAngel1 · 18/02/2022 08:56

Oh you’re married. He is out of order and sounds very opportunistic especially if he knows you’re going through a bad patch.

mdh2020 · 18/02/2022 08:57

I’ve had a few really good lasting friendships with male colleagues at work. When I was a teenager I had a male friend who was always extremely well behaved. I couldn’t understand it at the time but years later I found him on FB and realised why.

MiddleParking · 18/02/2022 08:58

@mdh2020

DetailMouse · 18/02/2022 08:59

I have one very close male friend who has tried in the past and I think would try again if we were both single but never behaves inappropriately.

I have a group of less close male friends, who mostly do treat me as one of the lads and don't "bother" me at all. To the extent that I sometimes wonder why not

HollowTalk · 18/02/2022 09:01

Why didn't you say you are married in your opening post? It makes all the difference!

5thnonblonde · 18/02/2022 09:03

Hmm, I assumed you were single given the level of contact you described. Is your husband around or does he work away? I live with my husband and if I called/texted any friends that much I guess he’d be a bit pushed out… I suppose I talk to my sister and a shared group of friends with that frequency but he’s often drawn into those conversations or they involve planning events we’d attend as a couple. A friend’s husband was messaging a man from his cycling group with similar frequency and she got a bit hacked off about it too.

Thoosa · 18/02/2022 09:05

One of my best, oldest friends suddenly propositioned me, actually almost proposed, after 30 years, out of a clear blue sky. Which made things weird, so I am less trusting now that platonic friendships are purely platonic. Maybe I need a couple more years to get over that disappointment.

Mumoblue · 18/02/2022 09:10

We’ve drifted apart now, but yeah I used to. But he was also gay, so that probably helped- (and my ex still got super jealous any time I was texting him!).

I did have other male friends, but almost all of them ended up making it some kind of weird eventually- mostly just by dropping that they’d want to have sex “if I was down for it”. Which I wasn’t.

MiddleParking · 18/02/2022 09:11

Actually, if you’re married, this all sounds like it was pretty far beyond normal appropriate boundaries in the first place for an opposite sex friendship so I think you’re being a bit hypocritical. If my husband said, ‘we are so good together and she just "gets" me’ about a female supposedly platonic friend I think that would be the end of our marriage.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 18/02/2022 09:15

It sounds like you could be having an emotional affair with him. Whatever is happening it’s a very intense relationship.

fluffythedragonslayer · 18/02/2022 09:15

I have several male friends who I'm close with and there is nothing to it other than friendship. I know it's a common thought that men and women can never just be friends but that's not my experience. It probably helps that I'm fat and unattractive 😁

Also I'm bisexual, does that mean I can't have any close friends at all? I have female friends who I text regularly and go out for drinks with etc, as far as I know neither of us want to get in the others pants.

DH also has female friends and I don't feel the least bit concerned about those friendships. But I have been called naive / "cool wife" on here before because I don't ban DH from female friendships so 🤷🏼‍♀️

belimoo · 18/02/2022 09:17

This has happened to me multiple times. It's depressing to realise the friendship wasn't what you thought and sad that you then lose a person you thought you were close to.

It's made me very cynical and I now keep any potential male friends at an arms length.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/02/2022 09:18

One. But he is gay. So that probably doesn't count!

belimoo · 18/02/2022 09:20

Also, sympathy about feeling you're mourning. I had a male best friend from age 17 to 24, when he suddenly announced we couldn't be friends anymore because he was in love with me and completely cut me off.

I still think of him and miss him 15 years later.

DiddyHeck · 18/02/2022 09:20

I feel I'm mourning a death. I feel so sad.

Seriously? That's very intense.

Have you ever actually mourned a death?

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