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Original poster

Aargh! Does anyone have male friends that don't want to get into your knickers?!!

53 replies

shilohh · 18/02/2022 08:21

I know the answer is yes obviously! However, for me it's not happening and I don't understand why!

I have always had male friends though majority are female. But from the male ones I would say there's been a few whom I have been very close with, as much as my close female friends. All these male friends have tried to make a move on me, I tell them I'm not interested and then things just get weird and I lose the friendship.

This has happened 3 times now. Once in my twenties with a uni friend, one with a friend I made at work and then recently with a friend from a hobby I've been involved in. This one I'm the most upset about. I'm so annoyed at him. We are so good together and he just "gets" me. I'm so comfortable with him and love him to bits We see each other every week via hobby and text / call most days..that will be all gone. I feel I'm mourning a death. I feel so sad.

Its made me feel that it's no point in making friends with men anymore if all they want is sex / relationship etc. I just want their friendship without the other crap!

OP posts:

Mistlewoeandwhine · 18/02/2022 09:21

Yes, but I am fat and ugly. HTH 😂

DiddyHeck · 18/02/2022 09:22

@shilohh

I don't think it's intense the amount of contact that I have. I don't know know. I have a female text group which is very active. Someone is always texting on there. Its just laughs , having a moan etc. Not any different with male friend.

Thanks planningtomakeaplan I get what you're saying but the thing that has made me really mad at him ( and he knows he's out of order) is that I'm married. I'm going through a bad patch with my marriage which I feel he's seen as an opportunity to make his move. This is why I've ended the friendship.

Its not daily more like every other day and it's mainly texts and we call when we need to have a bit of a catch up.

That's completely different to a text group.

RampantIvy · 18/02/2022 09:27

I don't think it's intense the amount of contact that I have

For me that is rather intense. Maybe it is because I am older, but I grew up not being in constant touch and available 24/7 with friends/boyfriends/family. I predate mobile phones and social media, and so do all of my friends.

I would find the way you keep in touch with people really stifling. I think you may be sending mixed messages TBH.

I have had platonic friendships in the past, but they remained strictly platonic.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 18/02/2022 09:29

I don't have close male friends for this reason. A couple I have been hugely disappointed in as when they made moves we were both married which was what made me feel safe to see them 1:1. I thought their morals were the same as mine and I was upset to find out I was wrong as it cast doubt on the whole friendship. Any male friends now I only see with their partners and/or with DH there or in a group situation.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 18/02/2022 09:32

I definitely think men and women expect different things from friendships.

misspercy · 18/02/2022 09:43

Honestly, OP, I'm very much of the 'men and women can be platonic friends' camp, and I even have some close male friends I regard as brothers (how much more platonic can you get?), but I agree with previous posters that you've blurred the lines here.

I'd do anything for my close male friends - and vice versa - but we don't live in each others' pockets. The texting every day, or every other day is too intense for a normal friendship unless one of you is currently in crisis.

Texting/calling someone all the time, feeling so comfortable with them, loving them to bits, having common interests... you know you've just described a romantic relationship, right?

I think you're giving out mixed signals, and if you don't want men to think you're interested in them sexually, you have to stop treating them as boyfriends minus sex. Because otherwise, having accepted all the boyfriend duties, they'll start to wonder where the sex is and make a move accordingly.

I don't think the only person you need in your corner is a spouse, but if I were married to you, I'd be so, so hurt to hear you describe your 'friend' in this way. I don't think the amount of time you're pouring in this guy is appropriate either.

I don't want to beat you with a stick when you're clearly upset, but I do think you need to take a long, hard critical look at your own behaviour.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 09:59

I'm going to get shot but I do think it's worth considering if there's a reason he thinks you wanted more.

You have a lot of contact, sounds like you're emotionally close, are you disclosing your relationship problems and doing the " I wish I had a man who" line, is your friendship quite flirty / banter / touchy feely? Because in those circs I can understand one making a move and thinking it would be reciprocated. Although of course he should be immediately apologetic and give you space.

Until you said you were married it did sound like you like him a lot but perhaps just didn't like his physically etc, or just hadn't made that leap yet to more than friends.

On the other hand if you

CripinIsCommonAsMuck · 18/02/2022 10:00

I do now through work, I have in previous jobs too. I love it because he’s not close to anyone else and he’s beautiful too and others are jealous of our friendship. He’s married with kids and one on the way. There’s never been any hint of us being anything other that great friends. I don’t fancy him and I’m damn sure he doesn’t me. I’m nearly 50 and dumpy (not frumpy!!) and he’s nearly 40.

CripinIsCommonAsMuck · 18/02/2022 10:01

He knows my deepest dark secrets and I know his, there’s definitely a bond

Stickypace · 18/02/2022 10:01

I do and we text most days. Been close since I was 17 so nearly 20 years.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 10:03

But to answer your qn, I have two male friends who I consider good friends. Both friendships are very much banter / teasing but it's never flirty. One I always have a hug hello and goodbye when I see him (every few months) but that's largely it. The other one we don't hug at all but we've been friends for over half our lives and I think it just never emerged into a buggy relationship. I happy go and get drunk with one of them when I see them and always feel safe with him. Neither would, I truly believe, make a move. But then I think maybe it's easier for me because I'm a size 20 and ordinary looking so not on most mens sexual radar.

Loopytiles · 18/02/2022 10:06

Your ‘boundaries’ with this ‘friendship’ sound dodgy.

Gonnagetgoing · 18/02/2022 10:07

Many years ago I would've said yes as I had a male platonic very close friend in my late 20s. After about 7 years it suddenly turned into a relationship more engineered by him than me and lasted all of 3 months. He then would mention places he'd taken me and said he'd taken ex-GF's there and seemed confused by this but he was definitely NT.

At similar stage I worked with someone who also became a male close friend too - in fact we all used to go out - see friend above. Was quite a laugh going out with 2 guys who were good looking, trendy, good fun. But then one day I got a text message which was either drunk or hungover and very explicit - we both had boy/girlfriends at the time.

I've heard of lots of people who do have close male friends and nothing happened/happens but not for me any longer!

PotatoGoblins · 18/02/2022 10:11

I have more male friends than female, and a handful of those I speak to daily or every other day. But, I did used to work in a very male dominated environment, and that’s where most of these friendships came from. All of them except 1 are married/in a long term relationship and have children. There’s never been anything sexual with any of them.

Gonnagetgoing · 18/02/2022 10:13

With the first male friend we met at work - he was interested in me and I think we even went on a date (memory is sketchy) but then he didn't want to take it any further. We both dated others after that but after bad breakups went abroad to Spain where we shared a twin room - the woman who owned the apartment complex ran it on behalf of family friend of mine and she swore we were together! A close colleague of mine asked me to speak to him about us as they thought we could should be together, I did ask, got rebuffed. Bad move. Yet 18 months to a year later he came onto me, properly....

second man - I was being shown around an office and he was giving me the eye - but left by the time I joined. 2-3 years later he re-joined the same company and mentioned that he'd liked me at the time I was being shown round and would've asked me out then. he was slightly younger than me and always into young, very pretty almost model types - I'm attractive/pretty but no model.

LimeSegment · 18/02/2022 10:35

I just want their friendship without the other crap!

Have you noticed the younger, slimmer and more glamorous a women is, the more men "just get [her]"?

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 18/02/2022 10:46

It's definitely possible to have male friends that are platonic, but I think from the sound of it you haven't been entirely clear with boundaries...
I'm married (and female) and work in a male domininated area, with loads of male friends. This has never happened to me because a) I'm only moderately attractive at best, and b) I've always been clear about what's not acceptable - so no texting all the time, saying "love you" etc, no touching/cuddling etc.
I think if I was your husband I'd be a little upset...

BigFatLiar · 18/02/2022 11:11

I think the idea of texting/calling friends every day is a female thing. I know OH (and myself) have male friends and we basically call when we want to meet up or have something important to talk about. I think that if you're constantly texting your male friend its sending the signal that you want a relationship as he probably wouldn't bother with that sort of activity if he wasn't in a relationship.

oadhkand · 18/02/2022 11:43

I agree guys mostly contact eachother when they want something

peaceanddove · 18/02/2022 12:46

Thinking back, there's very few men I have known socially who haven't tried to make some sort of half arsed move on me. Everything from letting their hands linger a fraction too long during a 'friendly' hug (ick) to them telling me they'd been in love with me for years (yeah, right).

Tedious and totally unwarranted because I do not flirt, ever, and I only have eyes for DH anyway.

peaceanddove · 18/02/2022 12:50

@LimeSegment

I just want their friendship without the other crap!

Have you noticed the younger, slimmer and more glamorous a women is, the more men "just get [her]"?

This in spades.

My DDs went to an all girls' school and it was very noticeable that only the pretty girls had troves of boys from the boys' grammar wanting to be 'friends'.

Suzi888 · 18/02/2022 13:18

Two, both gay.

In my experience no- I know people will disagree and that’s fine. I’m only talking about my own experience, I’ve had (when younger) a few of male friends and they have all developed feelings.

My last friendship was in my mid thirties, I established boundaries early on- that we got on well but I didn’t want a relationship with him. We were friends for years, he had a girlfriend, I was seeing someone. Everyone was cool with the friendship and occasionally we would do things together. One day he broke down and said that he couldn’t be friends anymore as he had been ‘waiting’ for me. He had hoped love would grow, admitted he had needed counselling and was still having counselling. That was the end of that. I still miss him very much. I don’t think a friendship can survive if one person desires a romantic relationship with the other.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 16:17

Thats just not how it works though. Usually, of course there are exceptions, men are only friends with women they find attractive. That's not to say they are planning to make a move from the start, perhaps it's subconscious, but if they weren't interested you'd never have become friends in the first place I do think it depends on how you made friends. My one male friend, we've known each other since we were 16. I suspect we both fancied each other but were both shy. By the time I wasn't too shy, it's cos I didn't like him like that and dated his mate instead. He had a female friend he loved for a long time before they finally got together. We've got closer since having kids similar ages but both v settled in relationships and just don't see each other in that way. He's like a cousin!

Other I met through volunteering. He def didn't fancy me, I thought I liked him but when he turned me down I realised I was just confused about finding a nice man who didn't want to use me. Out friendship is borne from shared values and a lack of sexual interest on either side 😂😂. Advantages to being plump, plain and undesired

Ishouldreallybeonholiday · 18/02/2022 16:26

Yep I realised at uni this would always be an issue so tend to only have female friends then any male friends are less close/kept at a distance. Less of an issue if you are not single also.

cherryonthecakes · 18/02/2022 16:51

I have male friends who don't want to get into my knickers and vice versa but we aren't so intense that we are texting daily.

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