I need a script, do you have a script? What’s your script?

[Diditopknot]

I’m an awkward, socially introverted, socially anxious kinda gal. Never do anything involving nights out, alcohol, fancy clothing, late nights, pubs, bars or parties including weddings, birthdays, Christmas or any work “do”s”.

It’s bloody awful.
After a few recent excruciating forced social events and many many more on the horizon, it is clear a script would be of enormous benefit.
It would disguise my totally inept and extreme boring personality.

So I need lines to trot out to keep conversations flowing, interesting and to cover up my racing heart, sweating palms, dry mouth, extreme negative thoughts and to make me seem fabulously confident and interested.

Do you have a script you could share?
Thanks

Shamelessly following.

The secret is to ask questions of the other person. A lot of people are just looking for the opportunity to drone on.

I no longer worry about appearing sparking, I'm a nice decent quiet person, like it or lump it.

Maybe some acceptance of yourself would help too - your op was not kind!

Ask people about themselves, so having lines in mind like
How's your day been?
What do you do for work?
Do you live round here or have you had to travel? How was your journey?
Do you have kids? What ages?

Are all good starters but the important thing is to listen to the replies and ask follow up questions, be prepared to chip in with a bit of your own and not to be racing to your next question but let things flow if you can.

Weddings are easier, saying how lovely it all is, doesn't the bride look lovely and asking how they know the couple are all standard.

Agree with pp above. Ask questions about their work, family, holidays, where they live, anything that will move the conversation on. With luck they will show some interest in you too.

It’s going to be work forced socialising.
So still no weddings etc, definitely will not be going to anything like that. Ever.

I’m about to be starting a new job (life changing in every way, it’s amazing) so will be forced into meeting new people, going to work events. They are a very “people focussed” company. I know so far that I have zero in common with any of them. Totally different people.
Addeto which, they are all from different areas in the U.K. so it’s not an office type scenario.

I’m great at small talk.

The key is to cast around topics and try and hit on one the other person talking about something they are interested in. Then they go on talking, having a marvelous time and you only need to reply very admiringly or enthusiastically every now and then. They leave the conversation feeling marvelous and transfer those great feelings on to you (“Yes, @Diditopknot is a marvelous person, so lovely”) whilst not realizing that they know nothing about you and all you did was open the floor for them.

Once you’ve mastered this, next step is to
Make it a topic that 2 people (or more) in the group love to talk about. Then you really just act as a moderator or prompt to keep the convo going (“really, what happened next?”) or if they have finished the story, subtly get them to tell it again this time using their feelings (“my goodness, how exciting, you must have been on the edge of your seat the whole time” - so they now talk about how they felt during the trip/award ceremony/marriage/book rather than describe what happened, which is the first step above).

So practically, in order to find this topic, you might start with the boring questions every jokes about using as small talk, but they do serve a purpose to get you to the topic. Eg: how do you know the hosts, have you been traveling lately (or where is the first place you’d go after Covid lifts), or if you see pictures on the wall of something - boats, skiing holidays, or see a piano in the corner or a biography of Churchill, you lightly ask about it. Their response will tell you to keep going, or not.

Agree on questions and an advanced take on this when you want to go deeper is to ask for help. I had dinner with a neighbour in her 80s last night. We like each other, but I wasn't completely confident on how it would go. We asked for her help working out what we could do with our scruffy garden and had a great time.

People love to be valued.

Don't try to change your personality. Learn some active listening skills. Take an interest in people, and generally conversation will start to flow.

Stick to starting with these words at the beginning of a question .. it's open questions which can't be answered with a yes or no answer .. and therefore lead to longer conversations:
Who, What, Why, When, Where

Avoid closed questions, ones which can't be answered with yes or no. By sticking to open questions you have less chance of awkward silences and pauses. Also share little bits about you when you have something in common. Yes important to keep the other person's the centre but also to share; that's where the connection comes in .

Closed questions: can be answered with yes or no
Open questions: require a fuller answer. Just remember : who, what, why, when, where
Sorry for triple post - was just about to drive but wanted to share xx

Love that “what, when, how, why” that’s so simple but a brilliant opener.

I’m genuinely interested in folk, but struggle to get going and keep going.
My awkwardness transfers to them I feel.
But then if I encounter anyone like me, awkward, I immediately warm to them and kind of stick to a kindred spirit.

For example, a wedding where you are on a table with people you don’t know (or could be adapted if you are at a work drinks with someone you only know slightly):

• (after introductions) aren’t those lovely flowers on the table?

Responses either and shut down, or an invite to keep the convo going:

• Yes, they look nice (move on to another topic), or
• Yes, peonies, I had them in my wedding bouquet.
• Really, have you ever tried to grow them? What other flowers do you like? So hard to have a garden these days….

Sometimes it’s easy - you like tennis? Are you a Roger or Rafa person? What did you think about Novak being deported from Australia? Have you ever been to Wimbledon (no - why not? Maybe this year? Yes - tell me all about it. What was the atmosphere like?) And away they go.

Sometimes it’s harder. Being good at small talk, I really look forward to the challenging ones now!

In my quest to hit on topics I’ve admire jewelery, complimented the colour of clothing, expressed interest in accounting jobs, nodded along (and swiftly moved the conversation along) to all political arguments, popular tv programs and books - everything.

The best is when you hit on someone who is passionate about something. I don’t care if it’s model trains, lego, a sport or growing roses, their eyes sparkle, they love to educate someone keen to listen and I find it interesting to learn more about something new.

The accountant husband of a colleague/boss thinks I am fabulous as I always want to hear about latest finds in his comic collection. And the interest is genuine. I enjoy learning about new things :)

Start with what you are wearing. Have 3-4 dresses/outfits that you feel comfortable in, but are good quality and classic. Think black dress. I have a pair of sandals, some suede court shoes and black suede ankle boots, all from Chie Mihara. They’re expensive, look expensive, comfortable and quirky. I wear diamonds, a watch and minimal makeup but bright lipstick.
It’s my armour. They’re also over 15 years old, but because they’re all classic pieces, don’t look out dated. I think 😂

Next is food. I eat a bit before I go out, even if it’s a sandwich, and have a coffee. I then don’t have to worry.

I don’t particularly like alcohol and I have to be in a very familiar environment to actually have a glass. If it all starts with a glass of bubbly, I’ll take it, toast, have a sip, then nurse it for a while before I leave it somewhere. Then find some fizzy water with a slice of lemon, it looks like I’m having gin.

Conversation wise, I really avoid telling people what it is I actually do, they tend to want to show me scars, talk about their health issues etc. So I deflect by asking about them: oh, I do a very boring job, what about you? Do you commute/WFH?

Talk about hobbies people took up during lockdown. Everybody has taken up a hobby, or got a puppy. I didn’t 😂

Holidays are a safe topic, when it gets back to you, say you’re saving for an adventure, you’re not quite sure what kind, what do they think it would be a super holiday?

Make sure you tell the hosts what an amazing time you’re having and then slip out unnoticed 😂

Search online. There's a list of about a hundred questions to start/progress conversations.

Were we separated at birth OP? I'm exactly the same!

What I've come to realise is that most people feel like this but have either 'the script' or do some prep work beforehand.

For instance, my Ex MIL is such a fantastic host. She keeps conversations flowing, has such a charming personality etc. She is wonderful and I always wondered how she did it.
One day I was at their house and had to take a telephone message. Rooted around for a notepad and inside one I found notes on 'Anne' who was coming for dinner later. Just things like 'Is your son back from travelling?' and 'Did you fix the problem in the garden?'

It really made me smile and I often remind myself of that whenever I feel socially awkward. Ex MIL appears as the most socially confident person but behind all that is 'the script'

Be careful using too many What, How When, Why questions - great for an opener but if you use them each time it starts to feel like an inquisition. Think of how you felt when your parents grilled you over the whereabouts of the £10 stolen by your brother.

You need to be generous with you as well, otherwise it ends up being a one sided conversation. Which is dull for everyone except the terminally unaware office bore who is wondering why he always gets given a cardboard cutout in the secret santa.

Conversation is a balance - and everyone is awkward to start (except the bore). SOme people are just better at faking it.

Seriously I think the best advice I could give you would be to take a look at 'At last a life' by Paul David.
Changed my life instantly- although it does not claim to do so at all.

You can steer a conversation with open and closed questions.

Open questions get the other person talking and usually start with what, where, who, when and how. You can Google 5 Ws and H to see examples but be wary of why as it can sound accusatory. Starting a question with these doesn't automatically make the question an open one, for example "Where did you go on holiday last year?" Will get you a closed, specific answer but "Where would you like to visit in future?" could open a longer thought process and conversation.

Closed or specific questions are useful for drawing a line under a conversation. They acknowledge you've listened to what was said because your question is relevant to the subject but gives you space to talk or ask an open question about another subject, "Do you speak Greek?" (Closed, yes or no answer). "How will you get around the language barrier when you visit Thailand?" (Open, they will think about it and tell you) and you move away from their Greek holiday last year and onto their future plans.

Alternatively, find someone who likes to talk about themselves (and there's loads of people like this) and make hummm and harrr listening noises. They will be delighted to have you as an audience as people tend to avoid them as they can't get a word In edgewise.

Good luck.

I have lots of standard scripts for work! But private/social life is more difficult.

I was a Samaritans listening volunteer for a long time so trained and well practiced in active listening techniques for that, and it helps so much in other situations as well. The picture I’ve attached is the “listening wheel” - the different ways you can respond to move the conversation forward, without saying anything about yourself.

Reacting

Reflecting

Clarifying

Short words of encouragement

Open questions

Summarising

Silence

I have to work pretty hard at this and I still wouldn't say I'm great, but I'm OK. I take a different approach to pps - I don't find listening to others works that well. That sounds weird, of course I listen and am interested in them, but it's not a cheat code, you can't just sit back and listen and have the convo flow. Sometimes people just give you nothing back.

My technique is I make a list of at least 3-4 topics on my phone and think about what I have to say about them. It will be a mix of current affair/news, general ideas/trends and things I've done lately/want to do/local events. Then at the event I bring up those topics and ask peoples opinions. Even if it seems a little forced at first, I find it works.

I feel you in all honesty I find people difficult, I've come to the point in life where I don't really give a poop about people's opinions of me so I don't make an effort with people unless I'm drawn to them, don't get me wrong I try be polite but I have 0 freinds of my own and I'm pretty content that way tbh. On the other hand my partner is similar BUT he has a small group of people who are important to him so when we come to going out with them and their other half's I want to be social some of these people are very important to him and I'm greatful for them. If it helps I tend to stay away from small talk... this goes dead in the water very quickly then everything feels awks, people love expressing their opinions though for a loooong time try having some go to topics where opinions can be passionate.

You don't need to fill a silence.

I totally get you. Took me years to understand how to interact in social situations, and I still get it wrong. I had to learn how to do small talk and chat about irrelevancies - the weather, holidays, the latest thing on TV etc.

In truth, nobody minds a quiet sort, as long as they're engaged and not stand-offish.

@Unescorted

Be careful using too many What, How When, Why questions - great for an opener but if you use them each time it starts to feel like an inquisition. Think of how you felt when your parents grilled you over the whereabouts of the £10 stolen by your brother.

You need to be generous with you as well, otherwise it ends up being a one sided conversation. Which is dull for everyone except the terminally unaware office bore who is wondering why he always gets given a cardboard cutout in the secret santa.

Conversation is a balance - and everyone is awkward to start (except the bore). SOme people are just better at faking it.

Yes, exactly. Unless you are dealing with an obsessive, socially-insensitive monologuer, they’re not going to ramble on about their own affairs indefinitely at the slightest question.

And OP, why is it you think you ‘have a boring personality’? Being socially inept and dull aren’t at all the same thing, or in any way related.