I need a script, do you have a script? What’s your script?

[Diditopknot]

I’m an awkward, socially introverted, socially anxious kinda gal. Never do anything involving nights out, alcohol, fancy clothing, late nights, pubs, bars or parties including weddings, birthdays, Christmas or any work “do”s”.

It’s bloody awful.
After a few recent excruciating forced social events and many many more on the horizon, it is clear a script would be of enormous benefit.
It would disguise my totally inept and extreme boring personality.

So I need lines to trot out to keep conversations flowing, interesting and to cover up my racing heart, sweating palms, dry mouth, extreme negative thoughts and to make me seem fabulously confident and interested.

Do you have a script you could share?
Thanks

I feel like you at times and then at other times I find chatting really easy. If you are genuinely interested in people, then you are already doing better than many people. A lot of people ask questions but aren’t really interested. I think it is pretty obvious and you are left feeling a bit shit and drained after speaking to them.

I know so far that I have zero in common with any of them. Totally different people.

This is unhelpful thinking. I know you believe it to be true, but in reality we have commonality with so many different kinds of people. You would be amazed when you get talking to someone who outwardly might seem different to you, what common life experiences you share.

Also: It would disguise my totally inept and extreme boring personality. this is a belief you hold about yourself. It isn't true (I don't think it's true of anyone, with a few exceptions and those people don't believe it of themselves). It would be great for you to do some work on yourself, eg counselling, to challenge & reframe those views

I love meeting & talking to people. My younger self was desperately shy & came off as standoffish. Once I realised everyone had a story I focused less on me & more on who I meet and have a genuine interest in them. I'm a bit cagey about a script idea - that will almost certainly come across as such, not be genuine and will possibly hamper conversation.

While other posters recommended questions like 'what, why, where...', I'd be cautious about this.

People do like to talk about themselves! But there needs to be a kind of contract of trust mostly - so you need to share too. But that can just be an anecdote, an observation, no need to unburden something personal. The best way to do this is to really listen - when you hear something that you relate to or can offer a reciprocal comment, then you can connect.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being a quiet person. There's no need to be v chatty, overly outgoing, life & soul. People of all personality types like a good, friendly conversation.

I think if I was meeting someone for the first time and they started asking me loads of questions about what I think about covid and how many I know who have had it, I would think they were seriously unhinged. Don't do that OP!

I can’t add much to the good advice already shared, but can confidently say it gets much easier with practice. Truly.

Some great advice on this thread

Don’t forget that conversation is a two way process. Some people do love to go on and on about themselves and won’t ask you anything (and they are just as bad at conversation as the shy types who find it hard!) but many of us find it dull and exhausting to be only the supply of information and chat whilst the other person says little. Take a thread and run with it. If you ask about holidays and they tell you where they went, express an opinion or aspiration about that, or link it to something that they can ask you about.
eg you ask “have you any holidays planned?
Them - “yes we’re going to x (extra detail may follow, and they may not ask you a question about it)
You - oh lovely, I’ve never been to x, tell me more / do you know it well. (They talk about it but don’t ask you anything).
You - sounds great. We’re hoping to get to y this year. We go every year / have never been / love exploring cathedral cities/ mountain regions. This is when they shouldask you about mountains or cathedrals or express an opinion on that. If not you can ask …
Have you travelled much / how have you found travelling with Covid restrictions / do you take your adult kids with you / do you have a wish list for travel.

And honestly lots of people are bad at conversation. They either say nothing / don’t ask anything or they talk only about themselves and don’t ask anything.

Finding someone to have a proper chat, who hits the ball back to you and gives you time to reply, while you do the same is always a revelation. But you’ve got to show them you’re that person so they can engage too!

@Ibizan

I think part of it is the “anxious” hypercritical thinking which leaves you unable to move past a pause in the conversation or someone’s awkward remark. If every sentence is analyzed for the multifarious ways in which it is ‘embarrassing’ then how can there possibly be flowing conversation.

Anyway: so it’s easy, in an ideal world what would you like to converse about?

With COVID, there are so many possibilities to get you started- you can start with “how did you find the lockdowns?” “Do you know many people who got COVID” “what do you think we should do now?”. What you are trying to do is to move beyond banalities to more interesting stuff so to “how did you find the lockdowns” the banal answer is “fine”. The answer that opens up the conversation is “actually I’m quite introverted and really enjoyed lockdown. I loved [Reasons]” and then they get to say “Oh I’d never have guessed you’re introverted”, or “Me too, I used the time to read Ulysses” or “In my natural state I hated it, so I set myself the task of reading Ulysses”.
Alternatively “did you know anyone who got COVID” could be met with “Actually both my parents died from it in the first wave” to which you reply “I’m sorry, that’s awful, we’re they elderly” or “Were you able to be with them?” but you can move the conversation from the personal (parents died) to the universal (their opinion on death and funeral practices in different cultures).
And it is the same process “do you have any holidays planned?” Leads to “never been there, what it like” or food/books or environmental impact of holidays and how becoming popular ruins a place.

Why were the recent events excruciating?

No! Don't chat about Covid! Too much trauma be it from beravement, ill health, or lockdowns/ restrictions stealing your choices and opportunities. Too many highly polarised topics like vaccination.

Even Brexit is easier and less contentious than bloody Covid!

I normally just compliment someone on their top/haircut/shoes. I have very curly hair. If someone also has curly hair, I ask them where they get it cut.

I agree with @BogRollBOGOF

This isn't a good idea for a conversation

With COVID, there are so many possibilities to get you started- you can start with “how did you find the lockdowns?” “Do you know many people who got COVID” “what do you think we should do now?”. What you are trying to do is to move beyond banalities to more interesting stuff so to “how did you find the lockdowns” the banal answer is “fine”. The answer that opens up the conversation is “actually I’m quite introverted and really enjoyed lockdown.

We are all sick of Covid.

It can be divisive.

So many people had very tough times.

Equally, disclosing something personal like 'I'm very introverted' early in a conversation is awkward and hard to move on with.

Just light, contextual comments related to the situation to start with.

If you really want other people to ignore you let them ''find out'' some ghastly event happened to you - they will avoid you like the plague.

Have a good memory. Follow up on the next time you see them. How is your sister feeling now? I know you were worried about her? Didn't you say you were going skiing/ butlins/ to a wedding last time I saw you? Did you enjoy!

Once you notice how much people talk about themselves you'll relax. You just need to egg them on a little bit.

Good luck op

This advice is weird - I don't find people like to talk about themselves - I often struggle when I ask people something and they just give me a super short answer, and immediately turn the conversation back to me. I'm quite relaxed and chatty but I don't actually want to talk about myself all the time - I want to hear about the other person too, but sometimes they make it such hard work! I actually get bored when the other person won't volunteer anything and just expects me to keep the conversation going. It should be a back and forth - not just me waffling on like I'm in a beauty pageant interview. I'm perfectly capable of that , but it makes me feel awkward and I cringe after.

Asking questions is good, but also you need to be prepared to talk about yourself otherwise it starts to feel like an interrogation. You need to prepare some anecdotes and honestly the only way I can find that works is by having conversations in my head in advance. It sounds ridiculous but is the only way I can fake being a normal human.

Practice makes perfect so you need to get used to being a bit awkward and be ok with that. Everyone is awkward! But if you're too busy worrying about your own awkwardness you won't notice other people's.

In fairness, @Ibizan, the ‘hyper-analysis’ in these kinds of situations is usually being conducted by the socially-awkward person on their own utterances, which of course has the unintended effect of making them appear completely uninterested in the person they’re talking to, because ‘I just said something stupid’ and ‘Does this person think I’m boring?’ means they’re hyper focused on themselves and not really listening or attuned to the conversation.

I have two pieces of advice as a chronic introvert who has to socialise.

1 Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Accept this is something that you find difficult but that you can get a little better at with practice. You have lots to offer, you don’t have to be a sparkling, entertaining person at these things - sometimes it’s nice to meet someone who isn’t ‘performing’ and who is just a calm presence with a friendly smile and happy to listen.

2 Instead of trying to write scripts that you have to remember just set yourself little goals such as:

• to learn something new about someone
• to tell someone one little thing about yourself ( you will find opportunities to throw things in during a conversation if you look for them and it can surprisingly lead to more conversation. For instance one person said her shoes were hurting, I told her I have a nightmare getting shoes to fit and threw in the fact that I spent most of my wedding barefoot!)
• notice something about the room - a painting, a plant, a fancy ceiling rose, whatever. This helps to take a moment to breathe and just take in your surroundings. Sometimes it can be quite paralysing to be trying to think of conversation constantly and we need to take five minutes to just be.

If you can meet your little goals it can make you feel so much more positive about a situation because you have something concrete that you achieved that you can focus on. Then the awkward moments (we all have them!) won’t seem like the end of the world.

Hope that helps a bit, chin up, be happy and proud of who you are, you’re doing much better than you think.

@Margot78

What a lovely post 💐

You don' t need a script, just be yourself. There is nothing worse than forced small talk. Its perfectly ok not to have things in common and to feel different. Its not a problem. l dont have a script yet l know when the time comes l will have something to say, naturally. Overthinking makes everything far more complicated, my advice would be talk to them like you would an old friend, it takes the pressure off.

Half the time my conversations start with just "hi, I'm [name]"

Maybe with your one (meeting with colleagues from far away) I would then ask where they have come from that morning. Then say something, anything really, about that place. Eg "ooh I don't know x, what's it like?" And then they will talk for a bit and maybe ask you then same back.
Job done.
And you can talk about work or the company etc for ages. Especially if you are new and do want to find stuff out.

TBH asking people about themselves doesn’t necessarily work!

I still remember a ghastly pre Christmas drinks party given by old friend who by then lived quite a way away. Dh was away so went on my own.

Did my valiant best to make bright conversation with a couple I’d never met before.
‘Are you going away for Christmas?’
‘No.’
‘Have you done all your Christmas shopping?’
‘Yes.’
Etc.
Literally just those answers. No ‘throwing the ball back’ so to speak.
Bloody nightmare!

I could understand one half of a couple finding small talk hard, but neither of them making the slightest effort?

Though having said that, I do agree with pps that asking people about themselves is usually the best bet.

As others gave suggested, ask questions...

"So, how do you know the birthday girl/happy couple/host?" The you follow with hos you know them, your common ground leads to further conversation.

Also, offer compliments... "so lovely to meet you/see you again I love what you're wearing/you look amazing, what's your secret?" They break the ice and helps you to seem more confident than you may feel.

BTW, never say "you're looking really well" as I found out via MN that some people take that as "you've put on weight "

They key is to ask questions and really listen. By doing this you give the other person a chance to ramble on, if they are so inclined but you will also find that genuine folk will appreciate that you areblistening and steal the conversation towards a more meaningful and balanced discussion. It just takes practice!

Another thing... be kind to yourself! Try to stop the negative thoughts in your head. You are just as interesting and worthy as everyone else in the room.

Good luck and have fun

Please forgive the typos!

At a party:

Hi, I'm Gingerhills. How do you know X the host?

That might lead to a bit of chat or it might lead to a one liner.

If the person seems warm and chatty I might ask a question that invites an anecdote, e.g. if they say 'We ware old school/uni friends' I might say something like, 'Oh, long time. Bet you had some good escapades.'

I wouldn't say that if they seemed shy though, because it might put them on the spot.

If someone said similar (about the escapades) to me, I would recognise it as a social invitation to fill a bit of silence and say, 'Yeah we did. After uni we went off travelling together and we...' or 'Oh, yes we volunteered at a soup kitchen and there was this amazing man who...'

Then after a quick anecdote, you ask them something or return the question. Be careful not to monologue at them out of nervousness.

At a push you can ask what holidays people have planned for the year. Or say something like, 'Do you have anything exciting planned now that Covid restrictions seem to be lifting?' That's a cue for them to tell you they love skiing or are going to a concert etc.

At networking events, I usually go in with an aim to help three people. So just chat and keep ears open for how I can help e.g. introduce someone to a person who is a specialist in an area they are interested in, or take their number to send them a link to something - a podcast or book that is related to what they are researching.

I tend to intersperse questions with comments about myself and hopefully the other person will do the same.

E.g.
Do you have any holidays planned this year?
-- Person answers
We haven't been abroad since the pandemic but I'd like to go to Greece. Have you ever been?

Do you live locally?
-- person answers
I live in X but I'm originally from Y.

Do you have a family?
-- person answers
I have 3 children, two boys and a girl. Where do yours go to school?

Hopefully one of these starters will turn into a longer conversation e.g. about favourite holidays or places you'd like to go.