I need a script, do you have a script? What’s your script?

[Diditopknot]

I’m an awkward, socially introverted, socially anxious kinda gal. Never do anything involving nights out, alcohol, fancy clothing, late nights, pubs, bars or parties including weddings, birthdays, Christmas or any work “do”s”.

It’s bloody awful.
After a few recent excruciating forced social events and many many more on the horizon, it is clear a script would be of enormous benefit.
It would disguise my totally inept and extreme boring personality.

So I need lines to trot out to keep conversations flowing, interesting and to cover up my racing heart, sweating palms, dry mouth, extreme negative thoughts and to make me seem fabulously confident and interested.

Do you have a script you could share?
Thanks

Don't be afraid to give up on someone either it's not your place to ensure they have a good evening.
I once spent a work Christmas lunch trying to chat to the people either side of me doing all the kind things and looking a pictures of grandchildren on their phone etc.
Realised after a while neither one had asked me a damn thing so I just shut up and talked across to another lady I knew. I left pauses so they could come back to me if they wanted but they just sat there.
As others have said you don't have to be scintillating and witty just go in with a few stock questions or openers. If it's a new job you can also ask people how long they have worked for the company and what they do.
I know it can be nerve wracking but you won't be alone in finding those events a bit of a struggle.

Believe me, you can't be worse than the lady I sat next to at a recent networking event who showed me pictures of her son's skin disease and would not stop talking abt it over dinner.

This thread is amazing! So helpful!
For me I can do the first question - where did you travel from, I love your top/hair/ necklace, where is it from / where do you get it cut etc. but I struggle with the next part: I say "I love your top, where's it from". They say "thanks, it's John Lewis". I say "oh lovely. I love their clothes". And that's it. What next?!?

OP you're not boring. The way you write, which is insightful and articulate, is already proof of that. You've just allowed your self-doubt to paralyse you and make you overthink everything you say and do. You also say 'I'm genuinely interested in folk' - that's the key. If you are interested, people will sense that and open up to you. You don't have to be the life and soul - it's OK to be a quiet person - but if people feel comfortable around you the conversations will start to happen more naturally over time. You don't have to be a huge social animal on Day 1. Maybe just start off with 'how long have you worked here?' and 'really nice to meet you' etc. If people offer any info you can use it to build a conversation - 'so does your partner work in this industry too? Are your kids at school locally? etc (EVERYBODY likes talking about their kids!) and then remember things people tell you so you can pick up on them next time - 'How is your house move going?' etc. Be sympathetic to stories of gazumping, elderly parents, wayward teens, ill cats etc. Relate if you possibly can but without hijacking the conversation. If all else fails, be honest. Say 'I'm a bit out of practice with socialising as I've been working from home by myself for 2 years now. I'm really glad to be here but it's going to take me a while to get up to speed with knowing who everyone is'. People will understand that. You don't have to do big wild nights out with colleagues if that's not your style. Why not take in a tin of biscuits at the end of the first week with a note that says 'thanks everyone for making me feel welcome'. Goodwill can go a long way.

Iknowacrackingowlsanctuary.
I listed questions to ask my 15 year old this week. I've really not been connecting with them lately and decided to up my game.😂

The lockdown hobbies or puppies is a good one for general chat. I was discussing lockdown puppies with a friend last week, neither of us have one!

I would say OP some good advice here, just be careful you’re not always the listener. I’ve been there. People used to say, ‘oh Molly us do nice, so friendly, a great listener’ but then I realised they knew nothing about me nor listened much when I had something to say.

Definitely start by asking them questions so they talk about themselves but don’t lose yourself, don’t shrink yourself down. Remember you’re just as important and have just as valid things to say. Make sure you get to be the talker too

@wherethecrawdadsare
The next bit can either be a mutual search for common ground, so maybe a brief anecdote eg ‘Oh I love JL! I always used to buy my work trousers there, but they’ve stopped stocking the longer length ones!’ so then the other person might say ‘ I have the same problem! Have you tried Next? I got some lovely longer length ones there.’ or perhaps ‘I never have that problem, I shop in the petite section!’ to which you can again look for common ground, ‘My mum is very petite and always looks lovely in mid-length dresses‘ (or whatever the other person is wearing).

You can just bat the conversation back and forth until you hit on a topic they’re genuinely interested in talking about, or until it’s polite to move on.

@RosesforTea

I’m great at small talk.

The key is to cast around topics and try and hit on one the other person talking about something they are interested in. Then they go on talking, having a marvelous time and you only need to reply very admiringly or enthusiastically every now and then. They leave the conversation feeling marvelous and transfer those great feelings on to you (“Yes, @Diditopknot is a marvelous person, so lovely”) whilst not realizing that they know nothing about you and all you did was open the floor for them.

Once you’ve mastered this, next step is to
Make it a topic that 2 people (or more) in the group love to talk about. Then you really just act as a moderator or prompt to keep the convo going (“really, what happened next?”) or if they have finished the story, subtly get them to tell it again this time using their feelings (“my goodness, how exciting, you must have been on the edge of your seat the whole time” - so they now talk about how they felt during the trip/award ceremony/marriage/book rather than describe what happened, which is the first step above).

So practically, in order to find this topic, you might start with the boring questions every jokes about using as small talk, but they do serve a purpose to get you to the topic. Eg: how do you know the hosts, have you been traveling lately (or where is the first place you’d go after Covid lifts), or if you see pictures on the wall of something - boats, skiing holidays, or see a piano in the corner or a biography of Churchill, you lightly ask about it. Their response will tell you to keep going, or not.

This is brilliant.

I always open with a compliment. 'I like your shoes!' Or some such-no many people won't engage with that

I have no advice but could do with some!! I'm socially anxious and awkward. I have to take my 2 DC age 3 and 1 for a 3 year olds soft play party on Sunday. DH is working, I am incredibly tempted to skip it but i know I should make the effort (friends's DC's Birthday)
I'm so anxious about so many things- having both kids on my own/where do I go when I get there/what if I don't know anyone/what if both of the kids act up at same time/what if I have to climb in the soft play to retrieve one of them 😱/ etc etc everything about it is stressing me out. But, it's a 2 hour party, it will be okay won't it? It's my DH's friendship group more than mine, hence me being worried.

@wherethecrawdadsare

This thread is amazing! So helpful! For me I can do the first question - where did you travel from, I love your top/hair/ necklace, where is it from / where do you get it cut etc. but I struggle with the next part: I say "I love your top, where's it from". They say "thanks, it's John Lewis". I say "oh lovely. I love their clothes". And that's it. What next?!?

I agree it's the follow on stuff that is subtler and trickier.

I might say something like; Oh, John Lewis, I've heard they have great personal shoppers who help you restyle. Did you use them?
Other person might say yes and discuss it or just: No
in which case I would either change the subject or if they looked interested but just happened not to have used a stylist. I might carry on, 'It would be so interesting to have a stranger pick clothes and create an image you'd never dream of coming up with.

Now they will either engage because like you they are interested in fashion or getting out of their comfort zone or won't engage because they are not interested/out of their depth in which case it's fine to just smile and say, excuse me, or lovely to meet you, I'm just going to get a drink etc.

Sometimes you can find ways to steer the topic wider. E.g. in the baove conversation if you're not that interested in clothes you could pick up on the personal shopper thing and make a joke about wanting a personal life makeover/house makeover person to come and nudge you to do something new. And that could segue into discussion of trying new sports or restaurants or visiting new places.

These are really helpful, and I've used some of them myself as I'm rubbish at small talk.

The one thing I'd like some help with is not making my interest in the other person sound like an interview. Sometimes I seem to make the other person feel nervous that I'm being nosy/personal than sounding interested in them! They look a bit alarmed.

@Yellownightmare

These are really helpful, and I've used some of them myself as I'm rubbish at small talk.

The one thing I'd like some help with is not making my interest in the other person sound like an interview. Sometimes I seem to make the other person feel nervous that I'm being nosy/personal than sounding interested in them! They look a bit alarmed.

I think that happens if all you do is fire questions at them. If you mix up asking a question with sharing a bit about yourself, or agreeing with them, or slightly politely disagreeing and discussing another aspect of whatever you're chatting about, then it becomes a conversation.

So instead of: what's your favourite local restaurant? person answers And what do you eat there? Person answers And is there anywhere else you'd recommend etc which feels like an interview, you might ask what's your favourite restaurant and they say the local curry house, then you say, 'I've heard it's great but I don't really go for spicy foods. I've got my eye on that new Italian place - do you know when it opens?' Etc. So you are letting the conversation flow with a bit of self-reveal, a bit of interest in them etc.

In work networking I usually start off with “which team do you work in?” or similar. Then I’d try to work out if I knew anyone else from their team or if we might have mutual acquaintances. Or if I knew nothing about that area I’d say so and ask them if they liked it. And I’d tell them where I worked and maybe a little bit about it. I also might ask if they’d worked there long, and if they were new I’d ask where they’d been before, and try to say something nice about their new job or a new colleague (oh yes, I know your manager, she’s really nice/knows her stuff).

This is why Brits like to open with The Weather

Once you've alluded to the forecast you open so many doors for mutual commiseration...Leaves on the line, bad drivers etc!

Compliments are great openers (oh great shoes, where are they from?) as pp have said. Questions to get to know them and get them talking also great.

Part of the trick though is to not push it beyond the point when shutting up works better. Be comfortable with silence. You don't need to talk all the time. Say hi, break the ice, give them a chance to lead. But if they're not responsive just let it be.

They're probably shy too. It is surprising how often this is the case!

As long as you're ready to be polite - look them in the eye, smile and say hi/bye/crap/gorgeous weather - that's all you need.

The rest comes. As a secretly shy person, I know it to be true.

Congrats on your job!

Unfortunately i have thins thing, I think it’s nerves, where everything falls out of my head and I’m blank.

I was listening to a podcast with Stephen Fry who was talking about a movement and its association to a good memory. Like touching your ear lobe and training your brain to think, feel, smell a really positive memory. I’m going to practice that so I can use it when in this situation.

My new work colleagues will be strangers to me, from all over the country and with different job roles. (I’ve never even heard of the titles before) it’s an industry I’ve never worked in, I’ve worked for over 30 years in my current industry so it’s completely brand new to me.

There are so many opportunities to ask things and chat about right there. I am very curious and want to know and I expect they may be curious about my background too.

It’s just excruciating after being so comfortably cocooned for decades.

A stock script with your suggestions will really help.
Thanks everyone

@gingerhills that's really helpful. I think I either go too much talking about myself and not letting them get a word in or too much asking them about themselves. I'll practise balancing it out a bit. Thank you!

Going against the grain here but I don't find compliments are great openers. In theory they are but in practise they often make people feel very uncomfortable. Either because they don;t know how to take a compliment. Or because, what should they say after, 'Thank you'? Or, most likely, I think because at some level even a compliment tells the other person: I came, I saw, I judged you. You passed. But there's an underlying trace of 'But you might not have done.' Also, compliments make some people wonder why you are schmoozing them - what are you after?

I use compliments as a last resort or if someone has clearly made an effort and seems a bit shy about it.

I think it's safer to compliment the place or the food or say something nice about the host:' Doesn't Ella look gorgeous in that dress?' Or, 'This is a great venue. What a find.' Or 'I love this place. It has such a great atmosphere' etc. Just something that shows you to be positive and engaged with the event but not as though you are secretly concocting a critic's guide to how everyone else looks and behaves.

A couple of posters have suggested asking if the person has a family/ children. As someone who has had multiple miscarriages I would avoid asking that, if someone does have children then they usually mention the fact at some point anyway, especially if you're chatting about holidays or Christmas etc.
If you'd asked me that question on a bad day you'd likely have seen my face crumple, while I tried desperately not to burst into tears.

@ChristinePerfect

I'm sorry for your losses, and I completely agree. I never ask. I don't ask about a partner / spouse either.

Even if people haven't had losses, it's quite private & personal. Of course many people, me included, talk freely about our kids. I'm separated & absolutely hate having to mention this if someone asks about 'my husband'.

I agree about compliments. I compliment people quite a lot. But it's genuine, I really do mean it, and I don't lead with it.

I wouldn't start a conversation with someone I'd just met with a compliment. As you say, it doesn't leave anywhere for the conversation to go, and they may feel under pressure to compliment you. Which gets awkward 😀

It's different if you build in a compliment after a while, and then move on from it. Eg. 'I have been admiring your boots, they're gorgeous on you. I keep looking for a pair like that but every pair I find, the heel's too high for work...'. There's then plenty for the other person to mention and bring it back to you.

I used to feel the need to fill 'awkward silences' with anything or everything that popped into my head - usually embarrassing myself in the process. At some point I realised that it doesn't always have to be me that starts the conversation - most people don't like standing around awkwardly so 9 times out of 10 they'll find something to say and then the ball is rolling.

Lots of other good suggestions already on your thread, but really small talk is just that, it's just passing a comment on something eg the drinks, food, the decor, someone's outfit (keeping the comments positive and complimentary is the way I roll)