What’s the etiquette with scars?

[ScarrySpice]

I had surgery on my throat several months ago which has left me with a very large scar that basically runs from ear to ear, quite a bit under my jawline.

I generally don’t heal very well- if I get a cut it takes ages to heal. My scar is fine in the sense that the stitches have dissolved and the wound is completely closed, but the scar is very red and visible. My surgeon advised that it’s very likely that it’ll be 1-2 years before it’s less visible.

I’m back to work on Monday and I’m a bit worried about frightening people. I haven’t been out and about much lately but have been wearing a scarf most of the time, but I don’t really want to have to remember to always dress to accommodate a scarf.

On occasions when I’ve been out without a scarf, I have noticed people staring, but none have said anything.

To be honest, I don’t care that I have a scar- compared to the reason I needed the surgery, it’s a small price to pay, but what’s the etiquette here? Is it decency to try and cover up so I don’t upset or disgust people who may be squeamish about scars?

I don’t think there is an etiquette. If you’re more comfortable with your scar showing then go ahead, don’t cover it. Are you happy talking about it because people might ask but I would ignore anyone who stares, scars are a sign that you survived something.

If you wanted you could pop a head band in your bag and slip it over as a snood type 'neck warmer' if you start to feel looked at. Will find a link in a mo...

No don’t. It’s part of you at the moment. My face is deformed, I know full well you wouldn’t want me to cover it up to avoid upsetting others.

I hope you continue to heal well. There are good scar creams out there too, if that is of interest.

You definitely don't have to cover it up for other people's comfort. The only reason to cover it up would be if it made you feel better to do so.

I will, at risk of sounding like an utter wanker, admit to a bit of admiration for your attitude. I am gradually becoming less self-conscious and more take-me-as-I-am as I get older, and fuck, is it liberating after years of being self-conscious and agonising over how others see me.

www.google.com/shopping/product/5699237331063087694?q=flamingo++print+twist++headband&start=30&client=ms-android-samsung-rev2&biw=360&bih=520&tbs=vw:g&sxsrf=APq-WBt70Q-QY3_srL8y0LefczmE448bRQ:1645055998066&prds=eto:17990173067445199150_0,cdl:1,prmr:1,cs:1
Not on your head but like a fabric necklace.

Don't cover it if you don't feel you need to for your comfort.

If it's any use to you, when I had hand surgery I was given some of these by the physio and they did a brilliant job of healing the scar. It's still there and always will be but within a couple of weeks the difference was amazing.

www.amazon.co.uk/silicone-scar-sheets/s?k=silicone+scar+sheets

I had a work colleague who had a huge scary from thyroid surgery across the bottom of her neck, she didnt hide it and if anyone was squeamish about it they didnt say anything. Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. It is likely you will notice peoples eyes will be drawn to it the first couple of times they see you until they get used to it, but thats just natural.

Omg worst link ever, how annoying!

Don't cover it to make other people feel comfortable. Its their issue, not yours.

You absolutely don't need to be concerned about frightening people. But it's very kind that you are!
If you were really self conscious about it, I'd have said have your boss send an email out saying this is what's happened, you're a bit self conscious and don't really want to discuss. But you're not! Maybe just set the tone when you're back and make it clear if you're OK for questions about it/the surgery. Staring is mostly curiosity.

Hope you're well on the mend and wishing you a happy return to work!

It is absolutely not a requirement that you cover it up as a matter of etiquette - and realistically you can't cover it up for 1-2 years anyway! I also had surgery on my neck and was really self-conscious about the scar to begin with (it really did look like my throat had been cut) but I quite quickly - much more quickly than it healed - sort of forgot about it. As soon as I did I stopped noticing people staring. I'm not sure whether they'd never been staring as much as I thought or if they did stare but I stopped seeing it but it definitely just mostly (I did get the odd, usually well-meaning, question) stopped being an issue once it wasn't foremost in my own mind.

I was so worried and self-conscious I refused to look in the mirror when my surgeon removed my bandages. My scar on my neck was very prominent and red on my pale skin. I thought about trying to cover it with makeup, jewelry, or a scarf. I even had salespeople try to convince me it was necessary when I went clothing shopping. That was surprisingly annoying. I decided pretty early on to wear that thing like a badge of honor.
I SURVIVED! I AM STRONG!

For a meek young woman with major social anxiety, that was a big deal, but it was important.

Dermatix scar gel or cica-care gel sheets might be of interest to you.

You do whatever feels right for you and if that means no scarf then that is fine and everyone else will just have to deal with it. You have obviously been through a lot so you have no need to worry about how other people feel. In fact it should be the opposite and probably will be.

Thanks everyone, you’ve all been very kind and I appreciate the recommendations for products. I’ve been using Bio Oil but don’t think it’s making much of a difference so will definitely try some of the other recommendations.

I will, at risk of sounding like an utter wanker, admit to a bit of admiration for your attitude. I am gradually becoming less self-conscious and more take-me-as-I-am as I get older, and fuck, is it liberating after years of being self-conscious and agonising over how others see me.

That’s very lovely of you to say, @sadpapercourtesan. I’m quite a shy, self-conscious person in general but I’m surprisingly not self-conscious about the scar.

I think it’s because I don’t see it as my “fault”. Probably a strange thing to say but I feel that if people stare at my fat thighs, I feel bad because I caused them to be fat, or if someone’s glance lingers a little longer over the parting of my hair when I need to get my roots done, I’m to blame because I didn’t go to the hairdresser.

I’d imagine most people don’t spend their lives thinking about themselves like this I’m working on it.

I’m lucky that I have fantastic colleagues and they all know what’s happened so I think they’ll be happy to see me back, and doing everything they can to make me feel comfortable.

I just have this horrible image of spending my day happily in the office without even thinking about it, then walking out onto the street and scaring small children. I think I’ve had too much thinking time lately.

I think I’m going to come up with a story for anyone who asks me about the scar in anything but a concerned way. Might say I got into a bit of bother with a shark.

Its completely up to you if you cover it or not. I think people are just being nosy as opposed to disgusted, scar is nothing to be disgusted about.
Just a tip, keep it out of the sun in summer (either cover it or wear sunscreen) to aid healing.

OP I presume your surgeon has told you about Dermatix gel?

It has long chain polymers which help scar healing either straight after injury/surgery or even years after the surgery/injury happened. It softens scar tissue, and reduces its formation.

I had an accident in 2012 and had to have my nose stitched back on and have pitting and tattooing where the road went into my face. I had immediate stitching then was sent to a plastic surgeon , but he told me to use Dermatix before deciding if more surgery was needed. It works great. I decided to do without the surgery. You can buy it online.

I do cover my scars when I go out, or people come up to me in the street and say "What happened?" or look at me with pity. I don't mind but sometimes I want to not have to answer, so I cover it with Benefit porefessional face primer topped with mineral powder make up. My scars are quite discoloured but nice and smooth as I used the Dermatix gel very early on after injury. it's harmless. I don;t wear make up in the house as it dries out the scars and the most important thing is to keep them moisturised, as I'm sure you know.

@ScarrySpice my friend uses shark
She had a bad car accident (I say bad, I mean she needed 39 operations after it and they rebuilt her face from photos)
Her leg had a skin graft and she covered it for a while and then when she felt comfortable she stopped. Shark attack was one she used, alligator, speed boat accident...

The only etiquette I have found when it comes to scars is you don’t stare and you don’t mention it. You absolutely don’t need to cover up on someone else’s behalf!

I have quiet a lot of really bad scars and I’m a bit when people comment on them.

I presume your surgeon has told you about Dermatix gel?

No, he never mentioned it at all. I’m going to research it and get some online.

Your accident sounds horrific. I’m sorry that happened to you.

@ScarrySpice

I presume your surgeon has told you about Dermatix gel?

No, he never mentioned it at all. I’m going to research it and get some online.

Your accident sounds horrific. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Thanks sweetheart. Take good care of that scar and it will end up hardly noticeable.

Dermatix: www.amazon.co.uk/Dermatix-silicon-scar-redcution-treatment/dp/B00DQ397X4/ref=sr_1_6?crid=NZA2CF6JFLW3&keywords=dermatix&sprefix=dermatix%2Caps%2C528&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1645058511&sr=8-6

That tube will last you ages. Put the tiniest blob on your forefinger and put it on and over the edges of your scar in as thin a layer as possible. Let it dry. It is rather sticky shiny stuff, and although it says you can apply make-up over the top, I could never master that. At least if you put it on before bed it will be working during the night if you don't want to wear it in the day. I started to use it as soon as the stitches were out, as I was told to.

I think I’m going to come up with a story for anyone who asks me about the scar in anything but a concerned way. Might say I got into a bit of bother with a shark.

A friend of mine has a very large scar right across her throat from a thyroid operation, and has a set of revolving explanations for why it looks that way: pirates! Accident cutting cheese! Was mistaken for a French aristocrat! Etc etc.

I used silicone scar sheets on a surgical scar that was causing me some discomfort. They don’t stay on nearly as well as they claim so I ended up having to tape them on, but they work really well. What was threatening to be a painful lumpy scar, I have trouble locating now. I actually only used them in the evening and overnight because they were a bit inconvenient since they just wouldn’t stick for me so I wasn’t even using them 24/7.

They didn’t exist when I had my neck throat surgery. Squeezing vitamin e out of pills was the height of scar treatment at the time.

@ScarrySpice - bio oil is useless. Silicone sheets or silicone scar gel is clinically proven to help heal scars more effectively. Some are better than others. I would contact your surgeon and ask what they recommend.

I've got a shit load of self harm scars, people see them and stare, and I quite honestly no longer care. I used to be very self conscious about them, and wear long sleeves in summer, but they are part of my history, a time when I didn't want to be alive, they remind me of how far I have come.

Your scar, is part of your history, and you don't need to cover up because of other people, the etiquette is actually for people not to stare at scars, or anything else on a person's body that is outside of the norm.