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Original poster

What’s the etiquette with scars?

72 replies

ScarrySpice · 16/02/2022 23:51

I had surgery on my throat several months ago which has left me with a very large scar that basically runs from ear to ear, quite a bit under my jawline.

I generally don’t heal very well- if I get a cut it takes ages to heal. My scar is fine in the sense that the stitches have dissolved and the wound is completely closed, but the scar is very red and visible. My surgeon advised that it’s very likely that it’ll be 1-2 years before it’s less visible.

I’m back to work on Monday and I’m a bit worried about frightening people. I haven’t been out and about much lately but have been wearing a scarf most of the time, but I don’t really want to have to remember to always dress to accommodate a scarf.

On occasions when I’ve been out without a scarf, I have noticed people staring, but none have said anything.

To be honest, I don’t care that I have a scar- compared to the reason I needed the surgery, it’s a small price to pay, but what’s the etiquette here? Is it decency to try and cover up so I don’t upset or disgust people who may be squeamish about scars?

OP posts:
Lighthouseblue · 17/02/2022 10:49

Check with your doctor but I know someone who had a huge scar (but was 20 odd years ago) and she was told to put pure vitamin E oil on it.

Justilou1 · 17/02/2022 11:08

@Lighthouseblue… That was the old standard for scar healing. The reasons oils were thought to help was because of the occlusive layer. We now know more about how scar tissue is formed, we know that scars need to be kept dry and have as little exposure to oxygen as possible to avoid becoming hard, red and raised. Silicone gel, tape or dressings are now the gold standard.

PragmaticWench · 17/02/2022 11:12

Bio Oil won't do anything more than a moisturiser would. You need Dermatix gel or silicone scar sheets (good at night) as silicone is the only thing proven in clinical trials to be effective on scar reduction.

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Celiamary · 17/02/2022 11:46

It depends on the type of people you meet. I worked for about 12 months with some very rough people. When someone was really ill they were very kind, truly gentle. Always willing to help but it could be very hard.
How many jokes about having your throat cut do you still want to be hearing in 6 months time?

CMOTDibbler · 17/02/2022 11:52

Do whatever you are happy with - which might vary on a daily basis tbh. I have very large surgical scars on one arm which also look a bit frankenstein as there are very obvious stitch scars, and one which is very wide and was raised and livid for a long time. The only people who have made rude comments were adults who should have known better (thanks FIL for saying it made him feel sick), and children have only even asked very gentle questions with no judgement.

Lockdownbear · 17/02/2022 12:03

Op give it time, it will fade my gran had a massive cyst removed from her neck. Within 6-7 months the scar which went from her ear down just looked like a old woman wrinkle that you could hardly see. Honestly it faded so quickly.

Don't stress, people who know you will know the story, people who don't will assume surgery, nobody other than a small child should ask its sort of rude to ask.

But I would have a scary small child story ready, didn't eat my vegetables / didn't get enough sleep so my head fell off. Or something equally daft.

JudgeRindersMinder · 17/02/2022 12:07

@ofwarren

Don't cover it to make other people feel comfortable. Its their issue, not yours.
Precisely this. The only person whose comfort about this matters is you. A relative of mine has a similar sounding scar and insists on wearing great big scarves which just draw attention to it and makes them look ridiculous. Please don’t be made to feel awkward due to other people’s rudeness
Ariela · 17/02/2022 12:08

I'd just email to all and 'Captain Hook failed to rip my head off with his hook, so you've got me back from Monday - the scar is a little red but healing well'

ExactlyThat · 17/02/2022 12:20

I have a small scar on my neck and it hasn’t healed well, it’s still pink over a year later so will likely remain so. I don’t try to cover it, and if people ask, I tell them, although tbh the only people have have asked have been medical professionals!

I don’t think you should cover up if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t be wearing scarves in summer! But if you want to for now, go for it.

LaBellina · 17/02/2022 12:23

You don’t owe anyone pretty, keep that in mind. I doubt a man would come in here and ask the same question. There’s no etiquette other then you don’t have to cover up a wound / nearly healed scar unless it reasonably would pose a health risk to yourself or others at work. That said, do what makes you feel good. If you feel more comfortable covering it up, then do so.
Did your doctor say anything about protecting it from the sun? I once had a small recent scar near my eyebrow and doctor told me to make sure to wear sun protection otherwise it might not fade.

SockFluffInTheBath · 17/02/2022 12:28

Is it decency to try and cover up so I don’t upset or disgust people who may be squeamish about scars?

Good grief no. If you feel more comfortable covering the scar then that’s different and your choice. I have a couple of scars on the side of my face, one is particularly noticeable, but I forget they’re there until I realise someone new to me is staring. I just maintain eye contact and raise an eyebrow if they’re being a prick about it.

Mariposista · 17/02/2022 12:39

You do whatever you are comfortable with. You are the poor person who has undergone surgery, the rest can flipping well suck it up.

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 17/02/2022 13:00

My dc has huge scar. The advice from the surgeon was the massage, not the product that makes difference. We used bio oil. It was completely invisible after few years, except for when you actually look for it.

INeedNewShoes · 17/02/2022 13:03

I've got a big ugly scar on my arm. No one has ever mentioned Dermatix or the silicone sheets so I'll give these a go.

Everyone who knows me knows why I have the scar so that's not an issue so much. I don't feel self conscious WRT strangers wondering about the scar. But, like you OP, I do worry that I might gross people out with it!

SirVixofVixHall · 17/02/2022 13:05

Dermatix was suggested by a dermatologist when my Dd had a facial scar , it really helped keep the scar flat. Her scar is quite wide as it was badly managed at the start , but because it is smooth and flat it isn’t too noticeable.

LadyPropane · 17/02/2022 13:05

My husband has a very visible scar across his neck. It was an emergency surgery so it didn't get the care and attention that it could have, and it is very obvious.

He just goes about his business and never bothers to cover it. He has a very short beard which highlights the scar even more, because obviously no hair grows out of the scar, so his beard looks like it has a big crack in it.

Occasionally people ask him about it, but usually it's a friend and they are asking in a nice way. He's never had anyone say anything rude about it.

Then again, I know these sorts of things can be different for men. Perhaps women with scars are held to a different standard..?

kimlo · 17/02/2022 13:06

I've got a scar from thyroid surgery a couple of months ago.

I've never covered it. I don't want to. You do whatever makes you feel best.

Seasidemumma77 · 17/02/2022 13:12

Generally if people ask about my facial scar 'nicely' I'll tell the truth. If people stare or are rude I have a ton of gruesome/horrific made up tales of how I got my scar, love watching those people squirm.

Slowfoxfast · 17/02/2022 13:48

After I had surgery on my thyroid I wore a choker style necklace. It wasn't that I was embarrassed about the scar but it did stop people asking questions all the time. It's faded a lot but is still there. I didn't know about scar tissue gel and the like at the time but would have used it had I.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2022 13:51

Def don't hide it for anyone else. Yes people will look, some will ask stupid bloody questions, some will ask rude questions or assume you've had a face tuck or something random and it's utterly up to you what you tell people (truth, part truth, fib, fuck off) but you're not some horror too gruesome for sight.

DS has a huge scar across his abdomen. It's healed well but it large and obvious. I'd hate him to ever feel that his scar is something bad. It's how he's alive.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 17/02/2022 13:53

You do whatever you are comfortable 😊

CourtRand · 17/02/2022 13:56

Do whatever you want and come up with exciting fake explanations for the scar when asked 😂

Powaqa · 17/02/2022 14:32

I have a scar from the base of my throat to my belly button and it is keloid so quite obvious. I was paranoid about people seeing it and a nurse told me it is my warrior scar. I now wear it with pride and sod anyone who stares. I no longer cover it up.
The important thing is how you feel about it. Don't worry about anyone else

Sparkletastic · 17/02/2022 14:38

My 15 year old has an obvious thyroidectomy scar. She alternates between pirate or zombie attack if anyone asks.

emmathedilemma · 17/02/2022 14:41

I have a scar across one side of my neck like this and the only time I've covered it up was when it still had staples in it for the first week and they were quite gruesome! It faded really quickly and a lot of people don't even notice it's there unless they know or I tell them, as it's blended into the natural lines of my neck. I wouldn't cover it up all day indoors, the air to it will probably be better for healing.