Is there any con to staying with parents for life?

[onlychildhamster]

I was at lunch with my MIL and my SIL over the weekend and the discussion moved to young people living at home. MIL and SIL said that it was ridiculous that young people felt pressured to move out and in the old days, bachelors stayed with their mums for life (not actually too sure about that). From the sounds of it, SIL is aiming to stay with MIL for life. Some people might say that she would change her mind but I am not so sure because of the following factors:

1. She has suspected Aspergers
2. She writes for a living and the income from that is not likely to pay rent.
3. She doesn't meet other people IRL (except family friends and family) so is unlikely to find a partner and get married.
4. MIL is happy with the status quo.

I mean, I don't think its a bad thing. In my home country, people often choose to live with their parents i.e. my father purchased a house with his parents but of course that is a different situation from someone living with their parents without their names on the title deed etc. DH and I lived with MIL for 3 years until we bought our flat.

However, in this country where care home fees are often financed through sale of property etc, what difficulties would that pose if MIL has to go into care (she is only 60 so this is a long way off). SIL is 24. I know they do not sell the house if the child is below 18 but SIL would be way older than that! I have also read that the council may elect to put a lien on the house rather than sell it straight away, but that is not guaranteed right? Also as SIL has 3 other siblings, there may not be much left for SIL to get her own home after the care home fees are deducted and the remainder divided even though its a London house (the 2 other siblings might want an equal share!). Of course this is quite far off and hypothetical and MIL might say that its a minor risk (cos not everyone goes into care!)

What do you all think? Do you think SIL is better off getting her own council flat (assuming she can get one) cos at least she has secure residency in her own right and wouldn't be kicked out of her own home if the house is needed to be sold to pay for care home fees?

@JolieJ I think it's cos I don't think the people I know IRL would have much helpful advice... Or insights.i think I feel responsible cos SIL has so few people in her life..dad abandoned her and her siblings. 2 siblings are overseas. Paternal Grandfather is frail. Uncles and aunts don't care and aren't close..just me, DH and MIL to care for her wellbeing..

Well for me, the downside would be I'd have to live with my parent!

Sure it's fine for some. I'm not sure it's doing SIL any favours to call a hobby 'making a living' when it's categorically not. I'm not going fishing in your other posts for examples of the special needs.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I have no idea. I don't think she wants to get a conventional job either and she just wants to write. It's none of my business..I think she earns probably a few hundred pounds from it per month once you exclude platform fees etc

@JolieJ my SIL would hate Mumsnet. We tread very carefully around her regarding trans issues cos it would make her explode otherwise..she thinks BBC is an evil anti trans organization, what does that make Mumsnet? She refuses to read BBC for that reason

[quote onlychildhamster]@JolieJ my SIL would hate Mumsnet. We tread very carefully around her regarding trans issues cos it would make her explode otherwise..she thinks BBC is an evil anti trans organization, what does that make Mumsnet? She refuses to read BBC for that reason[/quote]
What does being trans/anti trans have to do with this? I just think its a bit inappropriate how much personal information you share about her on here, it doesn't matter if she would come on here or not.

This was more normal years ago or often someone moved in to look after an elderly relative
Council houses for example uses to be handed down as such to a child of person who passed away ( doesn't work like that know so much)
But many of my family took in elderly relatives ir moved in with them 40/50!plus years ago

@dworky why ? I knew someone who lived with there mum all there mums life shes now In her 70's
She could do all things house related incl DIY and had her own business she didn't need to live alone to learn same as if you move in with a partner , they don''t do everything for you

If she is a disabled dependent you need legal advice as the house can be protected from care home fees possibly

@TheHoptimist I don't want to go into much detail but suffice to say she wouldn't be recognized as disabled. But I know there are problems/circumstances that mean that she is likely to never move out. Hard to say whether she would ever save up enough money to buy her own place in later life, with or without an inheritance...of course the rising house prices in UK even in cheap areas could mean that it is completely unaffordable in 20 years time.

The average UK house price is only 10X median income..I think that the gap will continue to grow like in New Zealand where it is 35 X median income or China which is 45 X average income.

Definitely get some good legal and financial advice @onlychildhamster
But also if at all possible, because from what you and pp are saying, it does sound like she is in some way disabled, it would be helpful (for her future security) if she could get it diagnosed. If there's a charity that works in the area of her disability/needs, perhaps worth speaking to them. They might be able to advise on ways to get her issues more formally recognised.

It's sensible that you're thinking about this now. It gives you all time to explore potential options and arrange them in good time.

I can't offer any advice, but I often think of your MIL @onlychildhamster and what she has sacrificed to enable her dc to get on the property ladder. I hope I can do the same although I don't even own my own house yet and most likely never will.

Would they consider at some point downsizing to a more manageable property (I am assuming that with four children it is bigger than a two bed), possibly putting that property into SIL name. She will though at some point need to face the issue of benefits and supporting herself. How aware at the two abroad of SIL needs? It my well mean that there is little left for them.

People come on just to pull the OP apart - why do it? Just move on to another thread, theres' no shortage of them.....

This is tricky and of course the law could change but you need to speak to a lawyer with regard to sale of MIL's house if she goes into a care home. Im limited experience DPs of disabled adult children go out of their way to ensure a safety net is there when they are no longer around.
Unfortunately MIL is not interested so I would approach a solicitor to get the facts.

I had a neighbour who lived with his elderly mum. He was in his 50's when his mum went into care. He had a steady full time job but I don't think he had much of a social life outside of work. About 25 years earlier when his father passed away his mum transferred half of the house to him and kept the other half in her name. The council tried to force a sale to cover his mum's fees from her half of the house once she ran out of money. He spent months fighting it but after seeing the legal fees build up with no end in sight he decided to sell and buy a one-bed flat for himself. Half the proceeds went to the council. I felt terrible for him but from what he told me the only other choice was to spend a fortune on solicitors or represent himself and risk the same outcome anyway.

@Cattitudes it's a 3 bed with box room and double reception so it's not that big and honestly they have so much stuff! The 2 bed flats in our part of north London aren't cheap (I know cos I bought one!) and I don't think MIL can stomach paying for them given that she bought her house for 100k and refuses to believe her house is worth what it is. MIL is only interested in moving to Israel (where her other daughters are) but she knows she can't afford to as living near her children would mean cost of living is higher than in London. Plus the house prices are higher than in London.

The two abroad are aware of the difficulties but they would say stuff like 'MIL doesn't need to go into care, can't assume she would go into care!'

Sounds like them living together is a good arrangement. If your DH and the other siblings have their own houses MIL might leave this house to SIL.

Of course as she is only 24, lots could change for SIL in the next ten years.

My 40 year old DS and DIL live with me as they can't get on the housing ladder. We bought a house together and split it up so I have a third and they have the rest. But we have very independent lives and don't see each other every day or it wouldn't work.

Back to the original question, without relating it directly to the OP - I think living together can be very advantageous as long as everyone is fit and well and they have some individual space. Money can be saved by the younger generation for deposit or investment property. The problems arise when one requires significant care needs and expects the other to meet them.
I used to have a number of Asian friends who lived in multi generational households (in decent sized homes) and it seemed to work well. They would arrive home from work to dinner on the table and their dc collected from school. In saying that though their parents were well, I've no idea what would happen to the dynamic if they were to fall ill.

@Zonder the other 2 rent. Lots could change on that front... But suffice to say the housing crisis is global.

I know people in their 30s/50s and 60s who live with their mum/parents still, because it works well for both so why not. They prefer it over living alone. In all 3 of the ones I know of, none of the 'children' expect/want a partner so it's beneficial to live together with their parents for financial reasons but also for company

@seekinglondonlife I grew up like that and it worked well. But the reason why I specified my SIL's circumstances was that it isn't like that. If i was DH and I who were staying with MIL, we would be able to pay for MIL's care home fees using our savings accumulated from not paying a massive mortgage. Or we would be able to afford to remortgage our incomes based on our earnings. Or we may even have purchased our flat as a BTL and have some place to go even if the house is sold to fund care fees (one of our friends has this set up; she lives with her parents but has BTL property). There are more options when you have a conventional job.

@Stillfunny No, they can’t. Council’s cannot sell a house for fees that is someone’s main residence, regardless of whether they are vulnerable or not.

If it was me I'd talk to mil and suggest she gets legal advice and considers giving her daughter half now so that she has a secure home for the rest of her life.

[quote ChrissyPlummer]@Stillfunny No, they can’t. Council’s cannot sell a house for fees that is someone’s main residence, regardless of whether they are vulnerable or not.[/quote]
Yes they can. They can apply for an order for sale. The general exception is spouse/partner but for other relatives you'd need a good case to stay there when fees are due.

On a different note, there's no limit on how far back they can go when looking at deprivation of assets so a house that was transferred to a relative 10 years earlier could be taken into account.