Is there any con to staying with parents for life?

[onlychildhamster]

I was at lunch with my MIL and my SIL over the weekend and the discussion moved to young people living at home. MIL and SIL said that it was ridiculous that young people felt pressured to move out and in the old days, bachelors stayed with their mums for life (not actually too sure about that). From the sounds of it, SIL is aiming to stay with MIL for life. Some people might say that she would change her mind but I am not so sure because of the following factors:

1. She has suspected Aspergers
2. She writes for a living and the income from that is not likely to pay rent.
3. She doesn't meet other people IRL (except family friends and family) so is unlikely to find a partner and get married.
4. MIL is happy with the status quo.

I mean, I don't think its a bad thing. In my home country, people often choose to live with their parents i.e. my father purchased a house with his parents but of course that is a different situation from someone living with their parents without their names on the title deed etc. DH and I lived with MIL for 3 years until we bought our flat.

However, in this country where care home fees are often financed through sale of property etc, what difficulties would that pose if MIL has to go into care (she is only 60 so this is a long way off). SIL is 24. I know they do not sell the house if the child is below 18 but SIL would be way older than that! I have also read that the council may elect to put a lien on the house rather than sell it straight away, but that is not guaranteed right? Also as SIL has 3 other siblings, there may not be much left for SIL to get her own home after the care home fees are deducted and the remainder divided even though its a London house (the 2 other siblings might want an equal share!). Of course this is quite far off and hypothetical and MIL might say that its a minor risk (cos not everyone goes into care!)

What do you all think? Do you think SIL is better off getting her own council flat (assuming she can get one) cos at least she has secure residency in her own right and wouldn't be kicked out of her own home if the house is needed to be sold to pay for care home fees?

Anything can happen at any age, and the next 20 years will fly by quicker than they both think. However that is her home and hypothetically if she continues to live there, if MIL did require care, the local authority do have the power to disregard the property at their discretion if SIL doesn't own any part of it, especially if she provides care for her. Anyway they both seem happy with the arrangement (though perhaps the ladies doth protest too much?)

@StopStartStop

A friend of mine had to abandon her adult daughter who had special needs and move 200 miles away, so the daughter would be housed by the council. It was very hard but she needed to make sure her dd's life was organised for after the mother's death.

OP's SIL is in London. Vulnerable or not, the council won't house her (at best, she'll be socially cleansed away from community and support networks to another town or city for a 12 month private let).

I am the age of the mother in law here and have two 23 years (students) at home. However I expect them to leave eventually so not the same situation as posed here. The main issue in the post is the future inheritance of the poster's husband and any other siblings. He should at least try to find out if his mother has made a will. Eg she could leave instructions that the daughter can stay in the house for 3 months after the death but that other family members can also move in at that point too before the house is sold.

I think it is OK if the house is big enough so the adult 'child' can have visitors without involving parents.

It is quite true that bachelors and spinsters often did stay with parents for life.

My in laws lived in parents' house from when they married, they had my husband there; they were paying into a mortgage thingy, the idea being that they would purchase the house when parents moved in retirement. However the dad (husband's grandfather), developed ill health and died. After that they decided to stay put to give grandma support - she lived to over 100 so they waited a long time to own the house! My husband grew up living with his parents and grandmother, it was like having two mums. Fortunately for everyone, she was a lovely lady.

It wouldn't have suited me, I couldn't wait to get away from home.

@gamerchick

I don't understand what it's got to do with you. they're happy with the set up, why should she move out. Worrying about something that may or may not happen 20 years down the line is a bit weird.

It's prudent, particularly, when there's a possibly vulnerable or disabled adult dependant, to make financial and legal arrangements in advance.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint
How come you can’t be added to the tenancy is it because your mum was passed the tenancy from someone else
I know that in my city when this happens the person who is supposed to leave just stays there paying the rent until the council or HA offers them something else
I have a friend who is in a 4 bed house that was her mums and is being rehoused to a 1 bed new build flat and another is being given a 1bed flat for over 50s
I’m in the Southwest and if your over 50 it’s pretty easy to get a place within 3 - 4 months

The council prefer to do this than evict as it’s costly and takes forever

Honestly, I'd be quite happy to live with my mum. We are really close, she's not just my mum but my best friend too. If I ever split up with my husband she has always said I can move in and stay permanently if I want to. We've lived together a few times in my adult life and it works out really well.

If people want to carry on living with family that's their choice. You may have your opinions but at the end of the day it has nothing to do with you.

What does usually happen under those circumstances? Would the council sell the house to cover the fees? My brother in law never moved out and his parents are now both disabled. DH and I are both concerned that they might need care and he would end up homeless and he doesn't own a property.

It's a very common setup within my extended family for people who didn't marry and/or had intellectual disabilities to remain living with another generation (older or younger). I have seen it work really well as either they receive or provide support and are good company for each other.

SIL won't get a council house as a single adult.
If her and MIL are happy then that's all that matters.
I think in the past( my parents generation) unmarried adult children did often still live at home.
My DS still lives with our DM who now has dementia. DS works in retail so low pay and can't afford rent or mortgage by herself but we are in a fix if DM needs to go into a care home so I would recommend your MIL thinks about safeguarding the family home, if she signs it over to DC it needs to be done several years before death or needing care.
Of course sil is still young so her circumstances could all change but if she has ASD I think it's something that does need thought.

I think they are two different questions: how does it look to live with your parents all your life ( from society point of view) and how to protect SIL’s rights in case of care home fees/ argument with siblings.
For the inheritance question MIL should get legal advice considering all aspects.
SIL living with her mum is very convenient set up for other siblings especially those who are overseas. Of course, it will affect her personal life negatively, it’s like the worst possible house share plus commitments towards elderly parent ( at least eventually).
However I wonder if MIL wants her daughter to stay with her so far because of her vulnerability. She probably understands the issues even if she not recognises them openly.

It's prudent, particularly, when there's a possibly vulnerable or disabled adult dependant, to make financial and legal arrangements in advance

Still none of the OPs business.

Won't your SIL provide her mum care though if they're still living together?

Doesn't sound like you like your MIL much your far to invested in sticking her into a home

@BuritoCat in my home country, my parents hired a domestic helper from the Philipines who slept in the same room as my grandma and provided 24/7 care. My parents could easily afford her and didn't even let her do any housework other than caring for my grandmother. My grandmother is sadly in a home now. That domestic helper was excellent but even that kind of 24/7 care wasn't enough as my grandma needed trained nurses.

My MIL's mum had dementia and went into a home. She sadly died there.

It's not just about whether we are willing to look after my MIL. Sometimes it's just not possible even for the most loving and good willed of family members.

@gamerchick we are her only family in London, wouldn't want her to end up homeless as we would be the only ones who can help her!

@BuritoCat

Won't your SIL provide her mum care though if they're still living together?

Doesn't sound like you like your MIL much your far to invested in sticking her into a home

Doesn't that rather depend on the health of each as they age? There is no guarantee that the SIL will be in a position to provide adequate care, or that MIL will simply grow old & need "simple" care - she could develop any number of age related complications, & SIL may be ill equipped to cope. As many people are.

@Xenia

I am the age of the mother in law here and have two 23 years (students) at home. However I expect them to leave eventually so not the same situation as posed here. The main issue in the post is the future inheritance of the poster's husband and any other siblings. He should at least try to find out if his mother has made a will. Eg she could leave instructions that the daughter can stay in the house for 3 months after the death but that other family members can also move in at that point too before the house is sold.

Or she may just leave the house to the daughter.

[quote 70kid]@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint
How come you can’t be added to the tenancy is it because your mum was passed the tenancy from someone else
I know that in my city when this happens the person who is supposed to leave just stays there paying the rent until the council or HA offers them something else
I have a friend who is in a 4 bed house that was her mums and is being rehoused to a 1 bed new build flat and another is being given a 1bed flat for over 50s
I’m in the Southwest and if your over 50 it’s pretty easy to get a place within 3 - 4 months

The council prefer to do this than evict as it’s costly and takes forever[/quote]
Originally the tenancy agreement was in my my mum and dad's name, and when my dad died it went to my mum, so it can't go in my name. I've already asked the council and they said no to me being added.

I lived with my XP, until he cheated. Then it was house shares in my late 20s's and early 30's. I've just looked at the cost of bedsits and house shares now, and it looks like I'll have to move away from where I grew up.

My original plan, when moving in with my DM, was to just sort out my health, 2 years later and I'm finally getting somewhere with that. I am now thinking of moving 400 miles north to my birth town, as renting there is a lot more manageable, and I have lots of family up there, so that helps. I also want to go into a profession that's hemorrhaging workers, so I can pretty much move anywhere!!

I just need to learn how to manage money now.

[quote onlychildhamster]@gamerchick we are her only family in London, wouldn't want her to end up homeless as we would be the only ones who can help her![/quote]
Is that your boggle, that you would be stuck with her?

She's early 20s. Apparently on Mumsnet you're still a bairn at that age. It might not stay like this forever. Things can change.

Two issues :

• Care home : a moot point. Your SIL should be able to save up enough to get her own place. Or create a trust, or giver her part ownership or something.

• Socially wise nothing wrong. @onlychildhamster you’re Singaporean aren’t you? I’m from a nearby country. If I hadn’t left I’d have stayed with my parents. And been RICH because we have a house in prime capital city area, no rent for life.

But then my parents aren’t judgy or anything even if I roll in at 2a.m..so…

What if the mum was donating a part of the house to her Dd? Would they still be able to kick her out of the house is the mum needs care?
I’m thinking that if a couple own a house, they won’t kick the partner out of one of them needs care right?
And the dd could be owning but not have the ‘use’ of the house?

I’m not quite sure if the legalities there

It is clear from your previous threads that your SIL most likely has special needs so her situation is not really comparable to the norms of this country. I feel sorry for her; you write about her here an awful lot. I wonder how she would feel if she ever found out.

Xpost @sanbeiji.
You’ve oit it better than me.

Under the current rules for Financial Assessments for care, MIL's House could be disregarded from the financial assessment if she is MIL's carer. Alternatively, if she has a diagnosis of Aspergers, it could be disregarded as the main home of a vulnerable relative. It is all changing in the near future and I'm not yet up to speed with the new legislation.

There are many, the main one being you never fully grow up if you don't have your own space & take care of yourself independently.

This is also true of people who move in with a partner directly from their parents home.