Why does caring for the elderly always fall on the women

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Not that I really mind, but the men seem to get off Scot free

Patriarchy is the short answer.

Caring for everybody falls on women if we let it!

When my Mum needed help I was the one who took care of certain aspects - clothing etc and my brother took care of all the financials.

1. Because it often involves a degree of personal care, it's seen as more appropriate for women to provide that

1. Women are more likely to work part time so are seen to have more time

1. Women/daughters are more likely to remain close to family than sons...I know not always blah blah, but generally it's true.

1. The patriarchy.

Why don't you mind this op?

The patriarchy and triple shift. Fucking exhausting

Not that I really mind

Well that's part of it, I think. It's difficult without generalising but if more women 'minded', the share might be more equal.

Some men get away with not doing anything in this area because some women 'don't mind' doing it.

And it usually starts small; a shopping trip, making a doctor's appointment etc. Virtually no one minds doing that.

But then it's death by a thousand cuts because the tasks just creep up and get added onto the load. And before you know it you're doing daily care and he's on the golf course.

I don't think it does always my dgran has 6 children and the oldest son is her main carer there every day, another uncle looks after his disabled dd and in the pandemic i organised food parcels for elderly isolated people who had their sons and daughters checking in on them during that time. What I would say is the men helping tailed off a little when the expectation was on people to return to work so I wonder if type of employment affects men being able to take on more carer responsibilities?

Women see that someone has to do it and other women do

Men see that women do it so they don't have to

I actaully don’t know why I don’t mind

But I agree it starts off small then builds and builds

My husband looked after his mother with some help from his brother. I didn't get involved.

I know it’s not every single family this happens in but it is generally what happens

Captianmycaptain
Didn’t you feel guilty if you didn’t get involved in any of it ?

@LovelyYellowLabrador

Captianmycaptain Didn’t you feel guilty if you didn’t get involved in any of it ?

Why should she? It was her mother in law...not her own mother.

No one would ever ask a man of he felt guilty for letting his wife care for her own mother?

@LovelyYellowLabrador

Captianmycaptain Didn’t you feel guilty if you didn’t get involved in any of it ?

No. I didn't feel it was my responsibility. He took time off work.

I’m not saying you should btw just I know I would

We're heading for this I suspect within a few years. I work full-time in a job that involves travel etc but already do some paperwork type stuff for an elderly quite distant (literally as well as relationship-wise!) relative and seem to get the expectation from DM that it'll be me dealing with her stuff too when the time comes. The latest is being given a key to DM's house in case she has a fall (I'm at least two hours away, frequently travel further for work and have a family of my own!).

Meanwhile DB works part-time in a caring profession but she doesn't want to bother him as he's 'so busy'.

Are you looking after an inlaw @LovelyYellowLabrador?

Are their male relatives who can help with the care/workload?

To some extent it's a hangover from the days when women weren't particularly supposed to have paid employment, and certainly not careers. Many young women had their own aspirations squashed by the explicit expectation that they'd look after their parents - some even expected to forgo marriage and having their own family.
Nowadays, many women have had their careers limited by being the default primary child carer, and so it becomes financially rational for them to also care for parents.

DM had experienced having her first fiancé bullied away by her father who expected her to remain at home to look after her disabled mother, fortunately DF was made of stronger stuff (and as it turned out, an excellent supportive son in law). On DHs side, an aunt had foregone marriage and her plan to become a teacher to care for her widowed mother. Our parents fortunately did not want to replicate this pattern and were fortunately able to arrange and fund their own. Care

In my grandparents' generation there were several women who didn't marry (at least one who wasn't allowed to) because they were expected to care for elderly parents.

In my parents' generation women often didn't work after having kids or only very part-time so were simply more available. My DM visited her DM every day with shopping and did hospital appts etc. She only married my Dad (1970s) on condition she could visit her Mum every day and provide care. At least two of her friends who didn't have children took early retirement in their early 50s to look after elderly parents (one relocated back to town she'd been born in to do this). This meant they then had much smaller pensions although benefitted from parents' house sale after they eventually died.

I actually had a rant about this to my dd the other day, she rolled her eyes when I expressed an opinion about trans issues (not looking to derail, just setting the tone of the conversation) I lost it frankly, I had just been told to bascially to fuck off by a male GP, I had to rush off and help my dm, in her 80s, then pick my dgs up from school.

It just felt like all I was good for was wiping the backsides of the elderly and then doing it all over again with a small child and how dare I express an opinion of my own, well, It amounted to 'I am nearly 60 years old, I have earnt my place in society, I am entitled to my opinions, I have a life lived behind me and quite frankly I deserve some fucking respect'

sorry, that was just a rant not a point about why women are seen as the carers, I think that is simply because most of us are used to doing so much of everything we just end up taking more and more on, almost subconciously

Disgusting isn't it. My nan had four children, two men, two women. She was in her 90s with severe dementia. My aunt struggled a lot with her erratic behaviour and violence but lived with her (she was widowed). My dad was also twice divorced, younger, in a much nicer/bigger house and financial position, and scoffed/smirked when I watched him watch my aunt struggle and suggested he share the load. The idea was ludicrous to him.

The worst part though was the in fighting between the siblings about paying for extra care for my nan. Every one of them wanted to protect their inheritance and not spend it on care

In a lot of cases because it's the logical next step from looking after the children. Mothers are more likely to be working part time so as to care for young children. Kids get less needy just as parents get more needy. Mother switches to looking after parents. Meanwhile sons are working outside the home more and less attuned to what needs doing.

I do know three men who are up to their neck in elder care, though. And all three keep it pretty quiet, so it goes quietly under the radar as far as their colleagues etc are concerned.

Agree with many posters - women are more likely to be working part time / looking after children / don’t want to say no/ can’t express their wants and needs without fear of criticism. The patriarchy underpins all this.

DH and his brothers do a lot for their parents but have regularly forgotten birthdays and wider family stuff when either MIL or FIL is in hospital. I will not get involved because I don’t have time - I have my own elderly parents to deal with, and no siblings to help - but I’m not any better at sorting out bunches of flowers and cards and christening gifts because I’m female. I don’t mind advising but I am not doing the grunt work.

A lot of caring responsibilities have fallen to me in recent years, I cared for my grandad up until he needed more care than I could give and I also looked after my mum when she was very sick. I am under no illusions that it's because I'm a woman and the only daughter. It's not that my brother wouldn't do it, it's that it was never expected of him in the way it was expected of me.

Fortunately my mum made a full recovery but she is in her 70's now and I know that I will end up caring for her at some point in the future. Between that and just general parenting I seem to have fallen into a 'caring role' and that's my lot now.

Is anyone tempted to just not do it? Or limit how much they do? I mean, realistically, I won't be able to do that much from two hours away and the house price differential means she can't move closer to us, unless it's into a nursing home, in which case she'll be being cared for. I can send a supermarket delivery from here and do financial stuff but there's no way I could do regular actual shopping trips, lifts to hospital appts etc.

I have begun the conversations about how she'll manage once she can't drive but I'm not sure the details are being processed...