Why does caring for the elderly always fall on the women

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

Not that I really mind, but the men seem to get off Scot free

I agree that is is usually patriarchy. You shouldn't simply not mind it, or nothing will ever change. Why should a male child not do their share simply because they are male?

There are no male siblings in my family, just me and my sister, so only women available. If we had any brothers then we would both expect them to pull their weight. My mother has carers several times a day, but when we visit we take care of her.

DH is the eldest of 3. He did chip in wherever he could to help his sister, who was caring for their mother when she was terminally ill. Their younger brother did nothing, was utterly useless, nasty and aggressive so best left out of it. I stayed out of it except for visiting sometimes with our children. I don't expect DH to chip in with care of my mother now either.

Statistically it doesn't. Carers UK say that 58% of carers are women and 42% are men. So the majority of (unpaid) carers are women, but not an overwhelming majority. In over 65s, the percentage of men in both England and in Wales providing unpaid care exceeded the percentage of women (ONS figures).

My Dad gave up work to care full time for my grandmother, and my nephew was a young carer for his disabled mum, so I am not really familiar with the stereotype of caring always being done by women.

I guess women by nature tend to be more nursing/supportive/motherly, and are more suited to a caregiving role opposed to men (who just like to break things, etc..).

Retired with pension at 60
Did the childcare & part time work
The UK is changing & hopefully equality will filter into the caring roles

My DB and I share the care for my DM, we’re both knackered.

My DH was the only one that stepped up when Dfil was unwell. He came to live with us and when he needed nursing he had to go into a care home as DH still had to work and we just couldn't make the house safe for him anymore. Not at any point did DH sisters step up or even try and help in anyway- even though they lived closer to Dfil when he was in the home. It caused much anger and resentment between DH and his sisters and I don't think the relationship has ever fully recovered to be honest. They didn't help physically, financially or emotionally. Even though they probably have more time and money then us.

Because women let it fall on them and just go along with it. I work part time and still I wouldn't let it all fall on me. It needs to be shared
Exactly this. And no, I wouldn’t feel guilty not to help the ILs and let their own children (DH and DSIL) do it.

@CoffeeLover99

I guess women by nature tend to be more nursing/supportive/motherly, and are more suited to a caregiving role opposed to men (who just like to break things, etc..).

As long as women keep spouting bullshit stereotypes like this, it will continue to be the default expectation.

@Boood

I don't think it's BS. There is some truth to this/similar stereotypes. Women often have some skills that men don't. And men often have some skills that women don't. There is nothing wrong with women being feminine and men being masculine. Naturally, there will be some exceptions to this, but there is nothing wrong with this being the case.

Why does caring for the elderly always fall on the women?
That's an easy one OP, because there's no status in caring for the elderly. I listened to an interview a couple of years ago with Dr Mike Martin, who wrote the book "Why We Fight". One thing he said that has stuck with me since and that I always apply to any situation when considering the behaviour of a man/men "Testosterone is the status seeking hormone". It's so true, men are driven to gain status, whether that's in their work, with women, in clubs and groups etc. You can bet that if there was any status attached to caring for the elderly then men would be all over it.

@ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm So true!

@underthemilk

It would be interesting to see those figures broken down by generation. I can understand there are a lot of husbands looking after their wives who need help. But how many daughters and sons are in the mix?

I am dreading this.M dm is in mid 70s and I know I will hugely resent my time caring for her. I know I am selfish thinking this but its how I feel.It will be left to me I know.

Well, there are exceptions. There is one family I know of old where there are just sons, and the eldest helps out most frequently with the care of his father who has Parkinsons and dementia. But this is because he and his wife have no children, his job is one that can be done from home with flexi hours, and his wife doesn’t work for health and disability reasons. His brothers have families; one lives on the other side of the world while the other has a very demanding frontline job. They do all they can, but can’t be available as much.

I think that women’s reduced participation in the labour market, due to sexism, ageism and historical outright exclusion, have conspired to cement them as the default choice for unpaid family carers. It’s a chicken and egg situation to an extent but it’s been interesting to note that the family above have also paid for carers where needed.

I also have relatives outside the UK where the youngest son (also no daughters) ended up with the responsibility of caring for his elderly mother. He was manifestly unsuited to it sadly (suspect he was undiagnosed autistic, and never functioned that well) and it ended up in an abuse situation. Default caring like this can be dangerous.

[quote crosstalk]@underthemilk

It would be interesting to see those figures broken down by generation. I can understand there are a lot of husbands looking after their wives who need help. But how many daughters and sons are in the mix?[/quote]
Those numbers show that 42% of all carers they have info on are men, and 58% are women. Men and women of all ages will be represented. They won’t have taken women of all ages but only older men caring for their wives.

Those figures don’t surprise me - they reflect my experience. That there are more women carrying out caring roles, but only marginally. I can think of plenty of examples of men I know caring for relatives.

In many families (not all) women are in lower paid jobs I earn a fraction of exh so it was me who arranged all the care for his grandparents (why us, that's a different post!) and rushed up after my part time job. With dp it's still the case, I earn less than 10% and I'm pt so I have time to fetch his dd whose disabled or sort out things for both our older relatives even if it's just online shops

@CaptainMyCaptain

My husband looked after his mother with some help from his brother. I didn't get involved.

I wouldn’t expect it for dil and mil relationship

I actually think we as women have to be careful not to over exaggerate the situation and end up perpetuating it. If we claim that ‘it’s always women who do the caring’ then some men might use this as an excuse not to step up. ‘Oh but I’m not the only one not helping - it’s always women who do the caring’. Actually the reality is that it’s not, and some reluctant men might need to be reminded that there are thousands of men carrying out a caring role and that they might need to step up and do the same.

Let’s take the guilt off women if they decide NOT to do it (it’s not always WOMEN who take on the caring role) and at the same time normalise the fact that there are actually many many men in caring roles.

I've cared for my mum, and will do for my dad. DH cares for his. I don't feel any guilt or expectation to step in (why on earth would I?).

Works well for us.

This is a bit of an unfair assumption. As a home carer I encountered several men who were caring for their elderly mothers, and quite a lot of men were almost single handedly caring for their wives.
So no, not all men stand back and let the females shoulder the burden!!

[quote CoffeeLover99]@Boood

I don't think it's BS. There is some truth to this/similar stereotypes. Women often have some skills that men don't. And men often have some skills that women don't. There is nothing wrong with women being feminine and men being masculine. Naturally, there will be some exceptions to this, but there is nothing wrong with this being the case.[/quote]
The problem is attributing being nurturing and caring to ‘femininity’.

If this were true then there would be no women burnt out by caring roles that they don’t want or can’t cope with, and no men carrying these roles out successfully.

On a similar thread to this, a book called Wife Work was mentioned. Very enlightening book. It gets quoted a lot in my household.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

Family size is another thing. I have a big family - three sisters, a brother, two stepbrothers - but most folks nowadays don’t. Caring for elderly parents shared between 4 or 5 siblings is one thing, but if you’re an only child/have one sibling/family has spread far and wide, then the burden is much heavier.

This is an excellent point. With DH’s grandmother, she was cared for at home by her seven children and many older grandchildren who shared the burden relatively equitably. Everyone lived quite locally in a major city, so it was easily organised.

On my side, my grandmother had dementia, was widowed, living alone in a remote part of Scotland, miles from hospitals etc. My DF (and DM) worked FT, 3 hours drive away. My DF would drive up ever weekend for months to help her, organised care and it all fell to him when he had to move her far away to a care home, deal with POAs and clear and sell the house. My aunt lived overseas, plus she had other health issues, so couldn’t help in any meaningful way. Winters were a nightmare!

Not all men.

I was the youngest of 3. Eldest moved away as a teen and never came back. Middle child was severely disabled and lived at home. As long as I can remember I was told that I would be the one to look after everyone when I grew up. I have done so, grudgingly for decade after decade.