Page 2 | Why does caring for the elderly always fall on the women

LovelyYellowLabrador · 2022-02-14T10:02:07+00:00

Not that I really mind, but the men seem to get off Scot free

Temporaryrespite · 14/02/2022 11:24

Yes it's partly a throwback from when many women didn't woh.

Partly because we have those caring genes I suppose.

And partly because we live longer.

Having said that, I know two men who are looking after their wives very devotedly, when they are not in the best of health themselves.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 14/02/2022 11:32

Social care is going to be even more fucked in ten years. We’re still experiencing women doing a lot of the caring for elderly relatives - women who are now in their fifties and sixties. This is going to drop soon as the generation who has had to work full time hits that age. Add that to pension ages going up to 67/68 and a whole group of potential informal carers just won’t be available.

Before anyone jumps on me, I am generalising. Some men do take on caring, lots of current 50/60 somethings work full time.

Traumdeuter · 14/02/2022 11:35

Agreed @TooExtraImmatureCheddar - the expectation that people will provide care alongside working full time for as long as possible, with the bare minimum of support from heath and social care services, is massively unsustainable.

Boood · 14/02/2022 11:38

Because men structured society so that they had all the power and “big” responsibilities”, and women were left with the domestic and caring work. And men created religions and cultures that embedded this as the only possible way life could work, and demonised any woman who didn’t conform.
And women were so effectively indoctrinated that they reinforced these structures for centuries. And now we have finally started to break free from those constraints, we’ve left a massive void behind, that society is no longer set up to manage, and there aren’t many palatable solutions.

Avarua · 14/02/2022 11:41

Women feel guilt and obligation more than men.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/02/2022 11:41

The reason that I did much of it for my DM, my FiL, and to a lesser extent, an old aunt of dh, was largely down to the fact that I was only working p/t, while dh was still in a long-hours job, which also often took him abroad, sometimes for weeks at a time.

Nearly all the several other dcs of DM and FiL lived further away - some of them a very long drive away, and the aunt had no children. A brother who lived not far from my DM was very good, though, and a sister who lived a 5-6 hour drive away would come and stay with her for several days at a time.

Twicklette · 14/02/2022 11:42

How often do you read on here that women only work part time after their children return to work because they need time to look after elderly parents. By elderly parents, read her own elderly parents. They wouldn't dream of helping care for inlaws because it's not their responsibility. Yet, they expect their husband to fund their caring responsibilities with regard to their own parents.
I have seen so many friends of mine expecting their husbands to mow lawns and mend stuff for her parents. They do not like it when their husbands spend time caring for his parents.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/02/2022 11:47

I would add, though, that there came a point where I was at breaking point, especially with FiL (with dementia) who’d been living with us. It was time for a care home, and we spent a long time choosing a suitable one.
There also came a point where a care home was the only viable option for my DM (also dementia) since she was no longer safe to be left alone for even half an hour.

People who oh so piously say they’d never put a parent in a care home, have very likely IMO never had to live with dementia.

Seemssounfair · 14/02/2022 11:48

We shared my mums care and did as much as each other, but it was split mostly "traditionally". Brothers took care of all house/garden maintenance, kept on top of finances getting best deals for utilites, organising POA, wills etc. My sister and I took care of grocery deliveries, clothes, toiletries etc as mum herself felt more comfortable with that. We all regularly took portions of our own family meals to her. Mum managed her own personal care.

We shared hospital/drs/dentist/opticians etc appointments between all of us depending on who was available as we all worked FT. We also shared getting hospital transport, home adaptions, carers etc. We had a rota between all of us for visiting so we didnt all show up on Saturday and she had no one popping in mid week.

One brother stayed further away so couldnt help with day to day stuff but he would come and visit/stay for a week or more a few times a year and tackle big jobs such as painting fences/shed, redecorating etc. He would also come and stay sometimes after a hospital discharge when she needed someone around more. He would sort out her shopping and food those weeks, and we could all visit less or just when we wanted to see him, giving us all a break.

Women tend to fall into the roles unless they speak up and say "how are we going to do this?"

glitterelf · 14/02/2022 12:12

I don't think it always falls to women as that's not been our experience when both of my in-laws were poorly and passed away. I did more than my fair share as did my husband and our sons. DH sister and her children also cared for them but out of 6 children the lions share fell to them but thankfully their families stepped up to help.

Unfortunately though I know that when my parents become frail and needing care that my siblings won't be there to help and it will be left to me and my family. But at least I know I will have the support from my DH and children.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 14/02/2022 12:57

Family size is another thing. I have a big family - three sisters, a brother, two stepbrothers - but most folks nowadays don’t. Caring for elderly parents shared between 4 or 5 siblings is one thing, but if you’re an only child/have one sibling/family has spread far and wide, then the burden is much heavier.

Polyanthus2 · 14/02/2022 13:08

Women used to outlive men - not so much now - so I suppose the femail relative helped.

DBIL couldn't help take DM to the toilet etc - he just found it too upsetting shirker - it was left to the other DBil

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2022 13:09

@CaptainMyCaptain

My husband looked after his mother with some help from his brother. I didn't get involved.

Does he have sisters?

Moonface123 · 14/02/2022 13:13

l disagree, it was my uncle not my mum who cared for my Nan when she got older, my brother in law is a very good son to his mum, does everything for her, my sister doesnt do anything, and l work in a supermarket and do see alot of sons and grandsons helping their older relatives.

Sportycustard · 14/02/2022 13:23

I share responsibility for making sure my mum is OK fairly evenly with my brother.

My in laws, however, are currently outraged that we aren't going to be doing a 5 hour round trip twice a month to do their cleaning and gardening. They both have top notch final salary pensions and have thousands in the bank but are horrified that we suggested they spend some of it on providing their own help. Apparently I should go part time to look after them "because that's how it works". When I pointed out that they benefited from amazing pensions, incredible house price inflation and free university education for their kids - all things we will never know - I was told I was "mercenary".

Original poster

LovelyYellowLabrador · 14/02/2022 13:56

Sportycustard why do they think you should go part time
And not your dh ?

OP posts:

Sportycustard · 14/02/2022 14:11

@LovelyYellowLabrador

Sportycustard why do they think you should go part time And not your dh ?

Ah 'tis woman's work you see. DH's job is a proper one. My job (COO of a professional membership body) is for 'pin money'. Yep, my FIL actually said that...

Comedycook · 14/02/2022 14:18

@Moonface123

l disagree, it was my uncle not my mum who cared for my Nan when she got older, my brother in law is a very good son to his mum, does everything for her, my sister doesnt do anything, and l work in a supermarket and do see alot of sons and grandsons helping their older relatives.

There's always going to be individual families where the men take on caring responsibilities but overall, if you look at the population as a whole, women are overwhelmingly the ones taking on these responsibilities

gamerchick · 14/02/2022 14:25

Not in my world. Got shut of my mother ages ago, my siblings can do it. Left to me she'll be going in a home.

I won't be expecting my kids to care for me either.

BeyondMyWits · 14/02/2022 14:26

For MIL with vascular dementia in addition to alzheimers, COPD, diabetes , arthritis and heart failure.... Dh and his brother outsource personal care to private carers who go in 4 times a day. They share the routine stuff like bills, bank, appointments, shopping etc.

I am not involved, through choice. No, I feel no guilt. I suggested 7 years ago that she needed help, should make arrangements for her future, should move to single level living, research care facilities etc etc. I made sure her sons had POAs in place for finance and health - that took all the "push" out of me, so now inertia wins and I stand right back.

Givemepickles · 14/02/2022 14:29

Depends what kind of care you mean. My DF looked after my DGM for years when she had dementia, in his own home. But the paid carers who came in to help were all female. We wouldn't have had a male looking after a vulnerable elderly woman so that answers the question why it was women who cared for her, other than my DF.

badkitty · 14/02/2022 14:33

What happens if you don't/can't though? I have a severely disabled oldest child, am a single mum and work full time and also live 2 hours away from my parents. I can't even just pop up to see them for the day unless I jump through hoops to get my son into respite. So what then?

bigbluebus · 14/02/2022 14:42

When my DM needed care and 2 of us lived over 70 miles away, I went at weekends and did all the practical stuff in the house whilst DH did the gardening. DB did all the ferrying around to hospital/doctors appointments which involved him juggling shifts to accommodate it. A care agency did the day to day stuff in the week.

Terfydactyl · 14/02/2022 14:48

@badkitty

What happens if you don't/can't though? I have a severely disabled oldest child, am a single mum and work full time and also live 2 hours away from my parents. I can't even just pop up to see them for the day unless I jump through hoops to get my son into respite. So what then?

You employ carers?

As to how it happens to fall on the women mostly.
I asked DP several years ago about his aging parents and who would look after them when the time came.
The part time sister who lives closest apparently. I also asked if anyone had mentioned this to her, of course not its just expected, she must know, its obvious and why else does she live a couple of streets away, when the rest of the siblings have moved further away. I kid you not, these were the answers. I hope nearest sister says fuck off the the kit of them when the time comes.

Noisyprat · 14/02/2022 14:59

Because women let it fall on them and just go along with it. I work part time and still I wouldn't let it all fall on me. It needs to be shared.

Society is still taking advantage of all the free work that women provide and this needs to stop.

Mens jobs are still seen as being more important and they are still frequently paid more just because they are men. The value of job should not be how much you are paid for doing it. However I do think women are their own worst enemies, look at the comments on here about them feeling guilty that they are not helping! Why would I feel guilty about not providing care for my partners family?! Why is it not his responsibility?