I just wish it was different.

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I just have to vent, I can’t express these feelings publicly, and I’m ashamed of them honestly. I will never let on and will be positive and paste a smile on and get on with things after this. Again.
I wish my kids were interested, and passionate about something, and really tried. At something. Anything! I wish they wanted to make me proud.
My son has adhd. We sent them to a grammar that has lots of extracurricular stuff, clubs, sports. The two of them will not participate in ANY of it. On the occasions we have tried in the past, my son has upset one (or more) of the kids somehow, and the parents get involved, I’m mortified, and discipline him, apologise profusely, but we become social pariahs with that family. Rinse and repeat, and we’re gossiped about.

I would support him to do anything; literally anything he showed an interest in, but he never wants to do anything at all. I am forcing him to do tennis, solo, less chance of causing upset. But he rants and raves and drags his feet there each week.

He is in year 6, they just swore in the house captains and prefects. There were so many in his small form that there were more of them on the stage than in the audience at the end. Of course he isn’t among them. He is going to finish these 8 years at the school never having won an award, not having done any interest classes, with no friends.

He doesn’t care about making us proud. He is so unwilling to try. He’s naturally bright and sporty, when we’ve tried things he’s good at them, but he just won’t try. He’s performing below average at school because he will always do the bare minimum as fast as he can. He takes no pride in his work. This is beyond the obvious ADHD challenges.

I’m disappointed, and sad, and I end up a ball of nerves when I have to go to the school events. I’m honestly embarrassed. There’s now so much history of embarrassment, we’re total pariahs who are glared at, and there’s never any achievements to celebrate. His name is never, ever on any awards list.

I love him so much, and I won’t let on. But I would really just love to have a proud parent moment and we just never get it. We just have to deal with the latest behavioural issue. Or argue with him to do something fun!

I’m just so sick of having the “bad” kid. I would find it easier if I could see him trying.

People with kids who try at sports, music, art, to make friendships (and they don’t have to be good at it) are really lucky. Kids who care what their parents think at least a little bit. Who can just go to an event and not cause a problem. Who are invited to parties! Who have interests. Who take pride in their school work. They’re really lucky to just have this experience.
I spend so much of my parenting experience trying to manage the adhd, my own disappointment, apologising for behaviour, on edge for it to go wrong. It’s just so hard. I’d so love to just be a Mum who takes her kid to weekend sport or something and he has a go, there’s no meltdown, there’s no parents whispering and glaring, and it’s just a usual childhood experience.
It’s so hard.

Sorry that was very long.

🌹💐

It's he interested in anything? Anything at all? Gaming? Nature? Films?

I sometimes think some kids need to be in a big family so no one notices what they are, and aren't, doing. Some kids are late bloomers - I went to school with one who was only interested in her Guinea pigs; she ended up being a barrister.

My comparable is my kids were terrible with food. It broke my heart! Big cook here, fed the whole world - except my kids. Now they're grown they're hugely into food !

What do his teachers/form master/HOY say?

My kids upped their game when peer pressure became apparent - at uni etc. They certainly weren't going to do it for me.

(Not that they 'knew' how I felt about the food, I perfected a breeziness about it. But my true feelings must have pumped through my pores, it was that strong. What can you do.)

Fucking hell, I hope this is a wind up.

Leave the poor kid alone, it's not his job to fulfil your ambitions.

Can't you just be proud of him for being himself? I have ADHD and my son has ASD.

It just made me feel a bit sad for your son that you can't just accept him for who he is. There's more to life than clubs and prefects and stuff like that.

I do understand how hard it is though. I think most parents of kids with difficulties sometimes wish they could be "normal". Whatever that means. But I think you just have to find a way to accept your sons. Support them and don't force them to do stuff they don't want to do just because you feel they should be doing these things.

It's frustrating though when there's so much on offer and they don't do any of it!

I do love him very much. And I do accept who he is and I give and give and give support. These are my private thoughts. I wish I could edit. I agree it’s written very personally against him. It’s not what I mean. I know he’s not “normal”. I also know that nobody else is “normal” either. I just feel it would be nice to have some regular parenting moments that you could just enjoy. Parties, school events, sports teams, anything, it just is all super stressful and goes wrong. He’s blamed for evrything

He did have a hyper focus on dinosaurs. We got him lots of books, read them together, took him to museums. This was great. I don’t care about dinosaurs, but this is what I mean: I don’t care what the interest is, it could be literally anything and I would help him 100%. Because being interested in something is great! It’s what life is about. There are no limits on his opportunities, he just needs to take them.

As he’s got older, he’s lost that hyperfocus and doesn’t have a current fad, and hasn’t for a couple of years now. He just likes to go for walks, but doesn’t like anyone coming with him. He can’t do gaming because he’s upset his friends while gaming before (it’s the main reason he doesn’t have them anymore, he finds it hard to be socially appropriate in the moment of competition). He does like it, but his behaviour really deteriorates after not too much of it, so it’s not helpful. He is allowed to play on his own.

I don’t think I’ve expressed it well. It’s not him. He’s my son and I love him and he’s the one I’ve got.

I’m just really, really jealous of parents with kids having more typical childhood experiences. I know everyone has their challenges, too, I don’t have rose coloured glasses. It’s ugly to be jealous. But it just got to me today.

None of this stuff matters to him, why should it matter to me. I hope, hope, hope he finds something he’s interested in at some point.

I didn’t express myself well. I made it sound like a dumping on my kid session.

I get it op. You're not dumping on your kid. You just wish things could be a bit easier and that there was one thing he enjoyed or was interested in. That's fair enough. It sounds tough Hopefully he will find his place/people.

Do you think that the school may be part of the problem? You mention that you've sent him to
a grammar where, if it's anything like our one, there could be added pressure to excel? My current and previous partner both went to grammars, it was not something they were academically (or socially) suited to and both suffered in their own ways. They now feel very strongly that none of their children will be put through that. Perhaps a comprehensive with a big mix of children from all sorts of different backgrounds may work better? Take the pressure and expectation off all of you. Of course my views are only based on my experiences and I might be way off the mark.

What about your other child? You mention them in passing with references to ‘them’ or ‘the two of them’ but then focus exclusively on your son with ADHD. What are your other child’s interests and achievements or have they given up too?

We should be able to come here to express our deepest (anonymously). I'm glad you did. The pressure sounds intense.

I get it op. You've expressed yourself well .

Can you stretch to a private school? (How old is he again?) He may not be suited to the environment he's in and may need specialist support? With a light touch of course... I wish wish wish I had my time again and I got my kids into a safe little school where everything was predictable - if there is such a thing. I thought they'd be fine with the rough and tumble but they so were not.

Have you posted on the special needs board?

Who is managing your son's ADHD health worker wise? Psychology? Does he take medication?

I do think you could be into something there. It’s probably not a good fit. Especially as it’s been 8 years and nothing has changed. And there are kids there under a lot of pressure to succeed from their parents, which may be why some of them are by traditional measures.
My other child is not diagnosed but is the same. I don’t really think the adhd is the issue here. It explains the social difficulties and the academic issues, but I don’t think it’s got much to do with the lack of interests? I could be wrong. It feels like a personality trait, or something to do with loved experience.
I wonder if their lives are so cushy they feel no inclination to strive or work hard, ie there’s no reason to? Like they’re TOO comfortable maybe? But I don’t want them to have hard lives either.

I'm wondering if you're not the only one who feels wretched? He may be (acutely?) aware, as you are, that he's not making headway in relationships, gets everything disastrously wrong, is blamed and avoided 😔

Sorry I should explain, not in the UK, it is a private school. Hence all of the untaken opportunities (music, sport, drama, art, debating etc). They’re all available at the school and just involve doing a lunch hour or staying back at school and they just won’t.

Medicated, paediatrician and psychologist.

My first thoughts are that the school is the wrong fit for your son. It must be so hard for him to be in that environment where he is ‘failing’, according to their standards. I’m not familiar with the UK school systems but here there are no prefects, awards nights etc, at least not in state schools at primary.
It sounds tough for all of you and you’re not unreasonable to have these thoughts.
I have one child with asd and one with dyspraxia so I have some experience of parenting in a different way. I am occasionally guilty of making comparisons with others but it’s very fleeting as I have completely changed my ideas of what children ‘should’ do and what constitutes a healthy childhood.

@springydaff

I'm wondering if you're not the only one who feels wretched? He may be (acutely?) aware, as you are, that he's not making headway in relationships, gets everything disastrously wrong, is blamed and avoided 😔

I don’t think so. I try gently to talk to him about it. He think kids are his friends when they’re not. Or claims he likes to be alone (which he probably does).

Oh OP, I'm sorry. I could have written your post word for word.

My son is 9, has ADHD and is exactly the same. Bright kid, but just not interested in anything. First reaction to doing anything new/different "No, I don't want to". The constant opposition is exhausting. We had some success with music last year (he was good too!) and this year, just nup, doesn't want to.

It's such a struggle, day in, day out. No advice, just total sympathy.

@xyz679

Oh OP, I'm sorry. I could have written your post word for word.

My son is 9, has ADHD and is exactly the same. Bright kid, but just not interested in anything. First reaction to doing anything new/different "No, I don't want to". The constant opposition is exhausting. We had some success with music last year (he was good too!) and this year, just nup, doesn't want to.

It's such a struggle, day in, day out. No advice, just total sympathy.

Thank you so much. Sending you empathetic hugs. It’s almost worse when they’re good at it! Imagine if they tried they could get so much out of it. And it’s hard to know whether to push them or not!

Yes, I also wonder if you have misunderstood him.

I think for many people with ADHD, we do try. We try every day and no matter how hard we try, we still manage to fuck everything up. And, yes, it's frustrating, but it's also really humiliating how everyone else can do these things, but we just can't seem to do it and then this wall or block comes up of fear, so we just don't do the things anymore and we pretend to those around us that we don't care and that seems easier in a way.

It may be that your son was absolutely devastated that he didn't get to be a prefect but he doesn't want to show this to anyone especially not his parents, so he pretends he just doesn't care. And you kind of become more and more withdrawn from things. Like, it's really embarrassing to admit that people don't like you because (in your mind) you're completely useless and crap.

It all is maybe too much pressure for him with the doctors and the phycologists and all he wants is to be left alone and wishes he was "normal". Or at least that's how I feel a lot of the time, but I would never admit to my family that I was struggling.

My advice is to ask him what he wants. Is he happy? It's ok to coast through life. You don't need to strive to do amazing things. Just support him and encourage him and hope that one days he finds his path. Let him try things if he wants, but let it drop if it doesn't work. He doesn't need to be "normal". There's no cure for ADHD. There are things we can do to make life easier, but even then we have days (or longer) when everything goes to shit and we feel back at the beginning.

Anyway, I don't know your son, but maybe he feels some of these feelings sometimes too.

I do think you need to more research into ADHD, OP. What you've described is very typical. It's not so much a lack of interest in anything but rather an inability to focus on something for any length of time because trying to concentrate on anything when you have a chaotic mind is exhausting and so, so hard. It feels like everything is fighting against you. Your mind is programmed for failure. Many projects started and then abandoned. Fleeting interests. Apathy. It's horrible. I don't know what medication your boy is on but there are some that can help with concentration and focus.

I get it OP. You're not saying you're disappointed with him/them - you're sad for missing out on so much everyday parenting.

You mention he/they do all their activities in school. But at school, he has a fixed identity that will always make it difficult for him participate.

I got my adhd dx aged 42. My parents were so unconditionally loving and supportive of me. They never wanted me to be different to who I was - I was never less than cause I didnt do loads of activities. Trust me - I really wanted a hobby!