I just wish it was different.

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I just have to vent, I can’t express these feelings publicly, and I’m ashamed of them honestly. I will never let on and will be positive and paste a smile on and get on with things after this. Again.
I wish my kids were interested, and passionate about something, and really tried. At something. Anything! I wish they wanted to make me proud.
My son has adhd. We sent them to a grammar that has lots of extracurricular stuff, clubs, sports. The two of them will not participate in ANY of it. On the occasions we have tried in the past, my son has upset one (or more) of the kids somehow, and the parents get involved, I’m mortified, and discipline him, apologise profusely, but we become social pariahs with that family. Rinse and repeat, and we’re gossiped about.

I would support him to do anything; literally anything he showed an interest in, but he never wants to do anything at all. I am forcing him to do tennis, solo, less chance of causing upset. But he rants and raves and drags his feet there each week.

He is in year 6, they just swore in the house captains and prefects. There were so many in his small form that there were more of them on the stage than in the audience at the end. Of course he isn’t among them. He is going to finish these 8 years at the school never having won an award, not having done any interest classes, with no friends.

He doesn’t care about making us proud. He is so unwilling to try. He’s naturally bright and sporty, when we’ve tried things he’s good at them, but he just won’t try. He’s performing below average at school because he will always do the bare minimum as fast as he can. He takes no pride in his work. This is beyond the obvious ADHD challenges.

I’m disappointed, and sad, and I end up a ball of nerves when I have to go to the school events. I’m honestly embarrassed. There’s now so much history of embarrassment, we’re total pariahs who are glared at, and there’s never any achievements to celebrate. His name is never, ever on any awards list.

I love him so much, and I won’t let on. But I would really just love to have a proud parent moment and we just never get it. We just have to deal with the latest behavioural issue. Or argue with him to do something fun!

I’m just so sick of having the “bad” kid. I would find it easier if I could see him trying.

People with kids who try at sports, music, art, to make friendships (and they don’t have to be good at it) are really lucky. Kids who care what their parents think at least a little bit. Who can just go to an event and not cause a problem. Who are invited to parties! Who have interests. Who take pride in their school work. They’re really lucky to just have this experience.
I spend so much of my parenting experience trying to manage the adhd, my own disappointment, apologising for behaviour, on edge for it to go wrong. It’s just so hard. I’d so love to just be a Mum who takes her kid to weekend sport or something and he has a go, there’s no meltdown, there’s no parents whispering and glaring, and it’s just a usual childhood experience.
It’s so hard.

Your mind is programmed for failure.

That's very well put @BadNomad

I wanted to post to reach out to you. My eldest DS is going through the process currently for being assessed for ADHD and possible Autism. He is very similar to how you've described your DC.

To be blunt. You are putting too much pressure on him. I used to absolutely hate the battles with my DS over doing things. Then life got infinitely easier when Covid and lockdown happened. We stopped having to do things and I saw how much happier and relaxed he was as a result. He likes his own company. His favourite thing to do is be by himself. He doesn't want to join in with activities. He doesn't do well under pressure or in competitive environments. It leads to melt downs because he tells himself he can't win before he's even started. And he doesn't like it if he's not winning.

The school day is long and hard enough for him as it is. He doesn't need other activities on top of that. I think your DC school is the wrong fit for them. It is too much pressure as it is by the sounds of it, let alone to a child who would feel pressure in a basic school environment.

I've found it quite hard because I do come from a family of academic achievers. We all went to university, have a doctor in the family etc. It's been hard to say to my parents I'll just be happy for him to get physically through high school. But I will be. I don't care what he does or doesn't achieve in school. I just want him to be happy.

You mention he/they do all their activities in school. But at school, he has a fixed identity that will always make it difficult for him participate.

All this!

DD was a certain child at school. ADHD. Not invited, not on teams and all that. So we did things out of school. Friends, music, art. Random activities. Now at 11 she can do it at school. But only because she succeeded out of school.

Honestly, leave him be. He is what he is. He is his own person. Maybe he will find his passion, maybe he won’t. Maybe he will ‘make you proud’ one day, maybe he won’t.
But perhaps he feels an pressure from you to ‘achieve, perform, make you proud’ - and he is unconsciously rebelling against this.
I write this as a child who was constantly trying to make her parents proud - it never pays to please others.
All we can do as parents is love them and support them and let them find their own path.

Do you understand what ADHD is, OP? Have you read books and listened to talks about how your son experiences the world? Because this really looks like you don’t.

You need more of an understanding about neurodiversity and perhaps some therapeutic support for yourself. Even though you love your kids, and try not to show the disappointment, it will seep through your actions, expressions and comments, which your child is likely to internalise. Your kid might be on the brink of burnout and overwhelm, which happens a lot in the transition to secondary school, so I would try my best to let go of those expectations, get professional support (for everyone) and plan for the years ahead.

I have asd and so does my son. You need to stop comparing, your son is not like the other children and holding them up as something to excel to is not good for you or him. If you do accept him then accept. Why should he have to try to be like other people when he has a condition that means this is extremely difficult for him. Build a life for him where he feels safe, secure and happy. Follow his lead not your own agenda. His best is his best be proud of that. And with regards to other parents firstly they probably care far less than you think. People generally are more self involved than u realise. But also stop caring , your child is more important than a bunch of acquaintances why do you need to impress them. Lastly have you considered counselling for your self, it sounds like you are struggling and have esteem issues some support may help with that. Also maybe look for some support groups so you feel more included.

I understand that you had a picture of what your children should be like & how they can make you proud.

I mean this kindly-you should let go of that. It sounds like it’s a source Of massive disappointment for you & it’s going to affect your whole life if you keep hold of it.

I have 2 autistic dc. We’re starting to realise that they might never move away from home & live with us forever.

It’s not what we’d thought, but it’s the hand we’ve been dealt.

I will say though that my kids make me proud every single day. One of them especially finds school very very difficult. He’s at least a year behind & HATES it with a passion.

But every day he goes. Some days he protests. But even though it drains him emotionally, mentally & physically he still goes. Some days he has a good day. Some days not. But he goes. Taking on an extracurricular activity would be just too much. He needs those lunch hours to run his energy off or sit in a quiet corner and decompress. If that’s all he can manage that day-That’s ok.

We’re on the verge of changing schools to see if that helps. I’m not sure he’s in the right environment.

My other dc struggles socially so much, but tries so bloody hard. He’s the one I worry most about at the moment. He’s so vulnerable. He also struggles with online gaming.

Neither of them are ever given awards. That’s ok. It’s a great day if they’ve got into school without a meltdown & we’ve maybe got some homework done.

We celebrate the “little wins”, because to us, they’re big wins. I know how much they struggle. I’m not going to add any other pressure that they don’t need.

Echo others who are telling you to read up more about ADHD and if he hasn’t yet been assessed, ASD. You keep talking about him ‘not trying’ which suggests that you don’t really understand what it is to be neurodivergent. It’s not because people are lazy or don’t try - their brains are wired differently to neurotypical brains. I bet being in that overachieving school environment isn’t doing him any favour either and it’s because you still think he could be ‘normal’ if he just tried harder. Find him an environment that nurtures him and stop thinking about your own disappointment that your son doesn’t live up to ‘typical parenting experiences’. Children are human beings and being a parent isn’t some experience to tick off a list. You accept the hand you are dealt.

My son had ADHD and was the "bad kid" for the first three years, before we got him on medication. Then he was the "funny kid" aka "the joker" who was never serious about anything.
In 4th grade (age 10) he tried out for the school wide spelling bee. The first time he had EVER tried for anything! He told me three days before the competition. All the other kids had been studying lists for over a month. He hadn't even read the lists. I sat in the audience and I prayed "Dear God, just don't let him be the first one sent down!"
He made it to 4th place and I was more excited than the family of the kid who won!!! Ten years later he has graduated but I still have that little gilt trophy sitting on my desk.

I think you are seeing other people’s children through rose tinted spectacles. There will be others with ADHD in his school, there will be ones who aren’t coping academically, having friendship issues, struggling with anxiety, failing to get on the sports teams etc. If you haven’t tried medication then I would look into it.

If your school gave out award certificates and prefectships for getting through the day with ADHD, you’d have the high achiever everyone else does.

I get what you’re saying and not judging you for it.

I really question whether that’s the right school for him though.

I wanted to say some thing about appreciate what you have and problems you don't have, but read the bit about being socially ostracised - I have so BTDT. DS didn't settle until he found a friendship circle (yr5). I always knew lack of friends was the key to DS's misbehaviour.

What kind of secondary school is your son going to, OP?

As someone who similarly disappointed parents, and in the nicest possible way, let him be.
Adhd aside (and that will make a huge difference how he copes with school), not everyone fits the mould of high achiever, and that’s fine.
It doesn’t matter if he’s never a prefect at school, or head of sports or whatever, it doesn’t matter.
He is not in this world to make you proud, and it’s not fair of you to be disappointed in him that he’s not a different child.
The long term effects on him from this attitude can be catastrophic.

Let him be him. Help him to be happy, nothing else matters right now. Be proud of him, not some fictional dream that will only ever beat him down and teach him that he’s not good enough.

He is who he is, he is good enough, he is worthy of being loved unconditionally without the underlying disappointment that he hasn’t quite matched your expectations.

I didn’t mean to sound judgy btw, sorry if that’s how it came across.

I was that child 30+ years ago, and it’s hard enough without barely concealed disappointment from parents. I’m in my 40s and only just making peace with the consequences of this.

"A parent should know that some of the fears they have about their child failing, has nothing to do with the child."
Most people are just playing roles and shrinking themselves to fit in with others. Embrace your son totally for who he is, allow him to be himself, not just who others want him to be and if it makes you feel any better 98 per cent of successful people are introverts. His time will come.

It sounds really tough OP and I'm sorry you are struggling. You sound like you have tried hard to provide well for your DC.

It sounds like you need to grieve. Have you heard of disenfranchised grief? It's when we mourn someone or something that wouldn't be normally recognised openly. I think with a therapist you could grieve the loss of idea of motherhood you had, recognise that sadness, and close that chapter.

It might then become easier to be focused on the present rather than the what ifs. Think about what is best (school, opportunities, whatever) for the DC and the life you DO have.

Your post is so moving. You have every right to feel as you do and it is so loving of you to express it here, not to him. I remember crying my heart out because the only 'award' my ASD/ADHD son got at primary was for not making a fuss when another kid (who got lots of awards) pulled his pants down for a laugh in front of the whole class. (I found out about that weeks after it happened., so couldn't even do anything about it.) He was good at guitar but hated lessons and forgot to turn up. I realised I was paying each week for the guitar teacher to stroll around looking for him and then give him 5 mins. He couldn't swim a few strokes despite weekly lessons Refused point blank to participate in sports day.

Can I make a suggestion? Stop encouraging him. That sounds counterintuitive, but what we don't realise is how much effort goes into just managing the neurotypical world. Pressure on top to succeed at sport or socialising or academia is way too much.

I would give him a whole year where he never gets even the faintest whiff of an idea that your love for him and pride in him are dependent on him jumping through neurotypical hoops or becoming a boy who is super popular with staff and pupils, which he knows he will never be (and that is fine!). I would bet he plays up just to give himself a reason to be unpopular, so he doesn't go through the heartbreaking experience of being himself, trying his hardest and still being shunned.

Spend a year just accepting him. Let him be absolutely sure you love the lazy, uninterested bones of him. If all he does is lounge around gaming, let that be OK for now. If he has friends, invite them over but don't manage how they spend their time. Let them all just be. If he has no friends, make no reference to it for now. Let him, friendless and interest-less be fine in your eyes, for so long that he forgets it was ever a problem to you. Because he will know you have a problem with it.

Do just three things

1. Make sure he has fresh air and exercise in some form - walking is fine, or cycling. Make it very clear to him that physical fitness is important for his health. Not so he can be picked for some team or get popular. Just because we need to look after our bodies. How he chooses to do that is up to him. DS hated all competitive sport - sounds like your DS does too. But we went cycling, walking, swimming together. He got weights and a pull up bar. Let him do stuff alone. Let him know that is fine.

1. Surreptitiously teach him life skills - need 'help' baking a cake or putting together an IKEA flat pack. Comment casually on his knack at beating eggs or working out how the parts go together.

1. Offer things to him in microdoses instead of insisting he signs up for stuff. Show him one picture in an art gallery, then go for cake. (I did this with DS and a few years later he was dragging me for hours and hours around endless jeffing galleries and I was squealing with art overload and need for cake! I did the same with weekly swimming. First 'swim' (after six years of failed swim lessons) was just a muck about in the pool. Next was half a length, then muck about, Six months later he swam a kilometre.

Just take the pressure off, totally.

@Moonface123

"A parent should know that some of the fears they have about their child failing, has nothing to do with the child." Most people are just playing roles and shrinking themselves to fit in with others. Embrace your son totally for who he is, allow him to be himself, not just who others want him to be and if it makes you feel any better 98 per cent of successful people are introverts. His time will come.

Um. That's what I meant to say, but lacked @Moonface123's succinctness.

I'm here to laugh at the big family comments. I'm from a big family. 5 kids. My parents are from huge families. 13kids.The only reason the adults didn't get involved was because the children did the ambition bashing. The teasing and mocking from siblings is relentless. I know which of my uncles was the book worm and which was the under achiever and the "jokes" hadn't changed in years. Yeah I'd have preferred my mum willing me on with a tinge of disappointment rather than feeling like the family spoilsport and punching bag rolled into one.

Op. I hear you. Not much you can do other than hold back your trepidation and grin and bear it. And make sure you get any medical support they need. You are your child's only advocate. You might be the only one who sees the whole picture. Parenting is hard. You need to find that balance between letting them grow and realising they can't fix this on their own. you got this.

How old is your son OP? You say he’s in Grammar, but then that he’s in Year 6?

I think he just hasn’t found his niche yet. Pay close attention to what he does when given the choice - what are his natural interests?

Then look at aptitude- what are his comparative strengths? You say he is good a sport?

The key for him to feel motivated is a) autonomy and choosing what he does (doesn’t have to be a conventional hobby, you can help him find something - maybe fundraising for a charity of his choice? just an example) b) relationships - he needs to be doing it with somebody he gets along with (even if it’s you) and c) competence and success. I think this may be what’s missing for your son. He’s in an environment where everyone is better than him, when measured by the metrics meaningful to that situation. Find him an environment where he is among the best (or getting praise and positive attention for something unique, ie the charity fundraiser) I bet he will soon pick up and be more motivated.

Good luck

I think you are underestimating the impact of ADHD, this may be the key to him struggling to engage in activities.

He sounds like a boy who is being failed by his school, rather than a boy who is failing.

I did wonder if there were things he is interested in that don't seem appropriate to you e.g gaming? Some kids with ADHD do well with physical activities which offer proprioceptive input e.g. trampolining, so I wondered about that.

I feel cross that the school aren't helping with his friendship difficulties as he sounds very isolated and sad. They should be trying to find some opportunities for him to experience some success.

It’s not their job to make you proud. For some children getting through a normal school day is enough pressure, they cannot cope with additional clubs on top. They don’t have to have a hobby to please parents.

Grammar schools are not always set up to support additional needs children, what support do they get to help them at school? Is it enough? Do they have medication and is the dose correct?

He isn’t the bad kid but one that is trying to meet unrealistic expectations.

I think you need to spend some time reading the Neurodiverse board and get some insight from those of us with ADHD.

Neither of your children owe you “proud parent” moments

I wonder if you could shift your perception - I net your ds does things you should be proud of. Managing his behaviour in school when his ADHD makes this a much bigger ask than for a dc without thus disorder? Keeping his schoolwork at the level it is anf not totally giving up?