I just wish it was different.

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

I just have to vent, I can’t express these feelings publicly, and I’m ashamed of them honestly. I will never let on and will be positive and paste a smile on and get on with things after this. Again.
I wish my kids were interested, and passionate about something, and really tried. At something. Anything! I wish they wanted to make me proud.
My son has adhd. We sent them to a grammar that has lots of extracurricular stuff, clubs, sports. The two of them will not participate in ANY of it. On the occasions we have tried in the past, my son has upset one (or more) of the kids somehow, and the parents get involved, I’m mortified, and discipline him, apologise profusely, but we become social pariahs with that family. Rinse and repeat, and we’re gossiped about.

I would support him to do anything; literally anything he showed an interest in, but he never wants to do anything at all. I am forcing him to do tennis, solo, less chance of causing upset. But he rants and raves and drags his feet there each week.

He is in year 6, they just swore in the house captains and prefects. There were so many in his small form that there were more of them on the stage than in the audience at the end. Of course he isn’t among them. He is going to finish these 8 years at the school never having won an award, not having done any interest classes, with no friends.

He doesn’t care about making us proud. He is so unwilling to try. He’s naturally bright and sporty, when we’ve tried things he’s good at them, but he just won’t try. He’s performing below average at school because he will always do the bare minimum as fast as he can. He takes no pride in his work. This is beyond the obvious ADHD challenges.

I’m disappointed, and sad, and I end up a ball of nerves when I have to go to the school events. I’m honestly embarrassed. There’s now so much history of embarrassment, we’re total pariahs who are glared at, and there’s never any achievements to celebrate. His name is never, ever on any awards list.

I love him so much, and I won’t let on. But I would really just love to have a proud parent moment and we just never get it. We just have to deal with the latest behavioural issue. Or argue with him to do something fun!

I’m just so sick of having the “bad” kid. I would find it easier if I could see him trying.

People with kids who try at sports, music, art, to make friendships (and they don’t have to be good at it) are really lucky. Kids who care what their parents think at least a little bit. Who can just go to an event and not cause a problem. Who are invited to parties! Who have interests. Who take pride in their school work. They’re really lucky to just have this experience.
I spend so much of my parenting experience trying to manage the adhd, my own disappointment, apologising for behaviour, on edge for it to go wrong. It’s just so hard. I’d so love to just be a Mum who takes her kid to weekend sport or something and he has a go, there’s no meltdown, there’s no parents whispering and glaring, and it’s just a usual childhood experience.
It’s so hard.

Sorry if my post seemed a little OTT before.

I don't think many kids with ADHD are coasting because life is too easy. It's usually the opposite. And the struggles with ADHD often manifest in weird and complicated ways that even they themselves can't explain. So, you can't really say it's not because of his ADHD.

It's not a waste. I know he's smart and sporty and could be so much if he just wasn't the way he is, but he is that way and he can still achieve amazing things but maybe just not in a neurotypical way.

It really is important that people with ADHD don't spend their lives thinking they are underachieving wastes of space. It is an exhausting and constant neurological tug on your attention, and takes massive amounts of energy to harness. It's hard enough feeling jealous of all the people who glide through life capable of so much without thinking yourself unlovable for not being one of them.

There’s now so much history of embarrassment, we’re total pariahs who are glared at, and there’s never any achievements to celebrate. His name is never, ever on any awards list

I think your perception might be highly skewed here!

I disagree with some of what you have said, that you think he should strive to “improve” so that you can be proud parents, but the rest i totally get. My youngest son has ADHD he was very sporty though and interested in lots of things. He was at a school ( not private) which was way below his actual academic abilities but he coped there and actually attended (which is a whole other issue) he didn’t do any schools sports or activities though, we enrolled him in activities well away from where we lived so that he could make new friends and not be judged before he had a chance. What saved me at the time he was at his worst ( his behaviour got very extreme) was being a member of an ADHD parents group as they are the only people who get it, and who you can be totally honest with.

I don’t think the school is a good fit, we don’t have a lot of options unfortunately. He currently has a teacher however, who is a great fit. She’s really amazing and works with him and makes so many accomodations without him even realising, he loves her. We do too, she’s the bright spot for him at school, for sure. So I’m not moving him this year. But high school a different matter.

This post has been very helpful to show me a different angle. I am proud of him, I’m proud of the fact he keeps going. He does.

We are pariahs, this isn’t my imagination. That’s a whole other thing, there are some very judgmental, awful parents in his grade who gossip. I don’t need to impress these awful people, and I never will by their standards and nor will my son, and who’d want to. It’s just really, really unpleasant to be around them at functions.

I went to him and said: “I know I pressured you to do tennis, we can stop”. He said: “ I don’t want to stop, it’s only 1/2 an hour, I enjoy it and there’s only my family there, but I am NOT doing anything else because school makes me very tired.” And after this discussion, I thought: this is a huge achievement for him. He is trying despite being so tired. And he’s got an outlet. So that’s really, really good. And he’s good at tennis, so that’s good for confidence, and there’s no competition element so he can just relax.

We will just try to get through the year.

It’s not him. I am proud of him. I just wish it was easier. That’s ok, I’m sure he does too. And I did have an awesome chat with him last night, with my vent here out of the way, and shifting my outlook. It was the best chat we’ve had in a very long time. I realise I’ve offended/saddened those with ADHD. It was truly not my intent. It is hard to parent a child with challenges, it’s hard to see someone you love so much finding life hard. What I meant to express was I wish things were easier. That’s all.

@gingerhills

Your post is so moving. You have every right to feel as you do and it is so loving of you to express it here, not to him. I remember crying my heart out because the only 'award' my ASD/ADHD son got at primary was for not making a fuss when another kid (who got lots of awards) pulled his pants down for a laugh in front of the whole class. (I found out about that weeks after it happened., so couldn't even do anything about it.) He was good at guitar but hated lessons and forgot to turn up. I realised I was paying each week for the guitar teacher to stroll around looking for him and then give him 5 mins. He couldn't swim a few strokes despite weekly lessons Refused point blank to participate in sports day.

Can I make a suggestion? Stop encouraging him. That sounds counterintuitive, but what we don't realise is how much effort goes into just managing the neurotypical world. Pressure on top to succeed at sport or socialising or academia is way too much.

I would give him a whole year where he never gets even the faintest whiff of an idea that your love for him and pride in him are dependent on him jumping through neurotypical hoops or becoming a boy who is super popular with staff and pupils, which he knows he will never be (and that is fine!). I would bet he plays up just to give himself a reason to be unpopular, so he doesn't go through the heartbreaking experience of being himself, trying his hardest and still being shunned.

Spend a year just accepting him. Let him be absolutely sure you love the lazy, uninterested bones of him. If all he does is lounge around gaming, let that be OK for now. If he has friends, invite them over but don't manage how they spend their time. Let them all just be. If he has no friends, make no reference to it for now. Let him, friendless and interest-less be fine in your eyes, for so long that he forgets it was ever a problem to you. Because he will know you have a problem with it.

Do just three things

1. Make sure he has fresh air and exercise in some form - walking is fine, or cycling. Make it very clear to him that physical fitness is important for his health. Not so he can be picked for some team or get popular. Just because we need to look after our bodies. How he chooses to do that is up to him. DS hated all competitive sport - sounds like your DS does too. But we went cycling, walking, swimming together. He got weights and a pull up bar. Let him do stuff alone. Let him know that is fine.

1. Surreptitiously teach him life skills - need 'help' baking a cake or putting together an IKEA flat pack. Comment casually on his knack at beating eggs or working out how the parts go together.

1. Offer things to him in microdoses instead of insisting he signs up for stuff. Show him one picture in an art gallery, then go for cake. (I did this with DS and a few years later he was dragging me for hours and hours around endless jeffing galleries and I was squealing with art overload and need for cake! I did the same with weekly swimming. First 'swim' (after six years of failed swim lessons) was just a muck about in the pool. Next was half a length, then muck about, Six months later he swam a kilometre.

Just take the pressure off, totally.

Thank you. I couldn’t love this more and that’s what I will do. He is a sweet tooth and will help me bake if it’s Going to be biscuits. What I see is encouraging is felt as pressure. This approach is excellent.

Good luck to you both OP.

FWIW, my similar son is now at a good uni and has lots of interests, and a solid friendship group. He had many ups and downs along the way but he has a very interesting, good life. I'm sure your DS will be fine. Teaching them they are fine as they are especially as they head into their teens, is so helpful to them.

@gingerhills

Your post is so moving. You have every right to feel as you do and it is so loving of you to express it here, not to him. I remember crying my heart out because the only 'award' my ASD/ADHD son got at primary was for not making a fuss when another kid (who got lots of awards) pulled his pants down for a laugh in front of the whole class. (I found out about that weeks after it happened., so couldn't even do anything about it.) He was good at guitar but hated lessons and forgot to turn up. I realised I was paying each week for the guitar teacher to stroll around looking for him and then give him 5 mins. He couldn't swim a few strokes despite weekly lessons Refused point blank to participate in sports day.

Can I make a suggestion? Stop encouraging him. That sounds counterintuitive, but what we don't realise is how much effort goes into just managing the neurotypical world. Pressure on top to succeed at sport or socialising or academia is way too much.

I would give him a whole year where he never gets even the faintest whiff of an idea that your love for him and pride in him are dependent on him jumping through neurotypical hoops or becoming a boy who is super popular with staff and pupils, which he knows he will never be (and that is fine!). I would bet he plays up just to give himself a reason to be unpopular, so he doesn't go through the heartbreaking experience of being himself, trying his hardest and still being shunned.

Spend a year just accepting him. Let him be absolutely sure you love the lazy, uninterested bones of him. If all he does is lounge around gaming, let that be OK for now. If he has friends, invite them over but don't manage how they spend their time. Let them all just be. If he has no friends, make no reference to it for now. Let him, friendless and interest-less be fine in your eyes, for so long that he forgets it was ever a problem to you. Because he will know you have a problem with it.

Do just three things

1. Make sure he has fresh air and exercise in some form - walking is fine, or cycling. Make it very clear to him that physical fitness is important for his health. Not so he can be picked for some team or get popular. Just because we need to look after our bodies. How he chooses to do that is up to him. DS hated all competitive sport - sounds like your DS does too. But we went cycling, walking, swimming together. He got weights and a pull up bar. Let him do stuff alone. Let him know that is fine.

1. Surreptitiously teach him life skills - need 'help' baking a cake or putting together an IKEA flat pack. Comment casually on his knack at beating eggs or working out how the parts go together.

1. Offer things to him in microdoses instead of insisting he signs up for stuff. Show him one picture in an art gallery, then go for cake. (I did this with DS and a few years later he was dragging me for hours and hours around endless jeffing galleries and I was squealing with art overload and need for cake! I did the same with weekly swimming. First 'swim' (after six years of failed swim lessons) was just a muck about in the pool. Next was half a length, then muck about, Six months later he swam a kilometre.

Just take the pressure off, totally.

This right here is why I love MN. Wonderful post. And thank you, because my ADHD kid will be getting school results tomorrow, and they won't be what I wanted or what he deserves, and I needed to read this today. So thank you. And OP, I get it, that desperation that life isn't always quite so hard for our kids, stuck in a neurotypical world where they don't quite fit.

@PenguindreamsofDraco - Good luck to your DC too.

@TigerLilyTail

Can't you just be proud of him for being himself? I have ADHD and my son has ASD.

It just made me feel a bit sad for your son that you can't just accept him for who he is. There's more to life than clubs and prefects and stuff like that.

I was so proud when I heard my son's voice, aged 17, narrating at school. It was recorded beforehand and it was read out with strange intonation, and quite likely little understanding, but it brought tears to my eyes that he had managed to do that.

I have one like this - they all get to where they are going in their own time. The trick is to love himas if he is already achieving everything you want him to right now, to make the quality of your daily interactions good, to be proud and interested as he is and not expect anything. Hopefully, one day he will suddenly bloom, but if he doesn’t- he is enough as he is. I am sure he is picking up on your disappointment on some level. With mine, he is so funny and lovable and not many people see that, but they will at some point I am certain. Don’t give up hope just yet.

I love your post @gingerhills Sums it up perfectly.
We took the pressure right off, school took the pressure off, my ds was exhausted just getting through the 'normal' school day. He really needed decompression, not extra activities which would have addled him more and more.

It's only now that he's found his 'pace' that he can start adding in things he's actively interested in and can use some of his energy on. But it had to be done in his own time

I can relate to this, my DD has ASD and I found that what other people see as natural, fun, competitive behaviour is totally alien to her. She genuinely does not have any feelings at all about things that don't interest her, the fact that the class all clamour to be class rep seems really weird to her. It's an extremely boring things to be and they don't get to do anything really, so other kinds acting like it's a popularity contest or some sort of validation is the odd thing really (she's convinced me)!

However, when it's just a get on and do it kind of thing - like Parkrun - where people are all just interested in doing it for themselves and there's no comparing, she thrives. The strange subtexts around competition, where people shouldn't show off and have to be pleased about winning but not too pleased and you have to be nice to people who are bad losers, feeling it's your fault if someone is upset at you beating them etc. this stuff is enough to exhaust her before she's started, even if she likes the activity.

Two years ago she was struggling and exhausted, lockdown allowed her to just go at her own pace and rediscover what she likes to do - she loved swimming in the sea for example and now loves swimming, whereas only going to lessons had put her off. It's like it reminded her of the point of doing things, because the narrative that we do things to get praise or win actually works against her rather than helping, now she's flying through the levels because the sea swimming has motivated and inspired her.

The flip side of embracing her non-competitiveness is that she is well liked because of the lack of subtext, she has a sunny disposition (probably because she doesn't sweat the small stuff) and she is genuinely happy when her friends do well and are happy rather than making it about herself, as so many do. Having seen the change in her, I couldn't be prouder and happier, but it was me that had to change (and widen) my outlook to make this happen, not her.

Good luck, I'm sure your son will find his way as well, just go back to basics and see what he enjoys with no pressure.

Fantastic post, gingerhills. One thing I've realised is that no child can grow or flourish when they are constantly under pressure. I don't mean that the pressure is coming from you, op, just from the wider world which is not set up for our neurodivergent kids.
When you remove the pressure they can surprise you. Having allowed my 10 year old (asd) pretty much unlimited screen time over the past year or so, he came to me the other day and said that he doesn't want to spend all his time on his pc and could I think of other activities for him to do. He was at home with a head cold this week and took himself off to make a stop motion film with lego.
I love the approach in Ross Greene's books, the idea that kids do well when they can, that removing expectations reduces their stress levels, and that we need to look at our children with a different 'lens'.
Our society has some very fixed ideas about what is good for children & families, and it can be really hard to let go of them.
You've had some great advice here and it sounds like you've got some ideas about how to support your son and take the pressure off both of you. Connection is everything when it comes to parenting, and I think the things you're planning will really help with that.