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Original poster

MIL keeps reminding me how awful I looked post-partum

69 replies

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:33

... and how can I stop her doing this?!

DD is four years old and she just won’t let it lie. I had a very difficult labour with DD, episiotomy, forceps, big pp bleed. I was very weak and in a lot of pain for weeks/months.
MIL came round on day 4 to see baby, didn’t comment on my appearance and was just happy to be there. She came back the following week with her DM and also my SIL, again, no comments on my appearance (AS IS NORMAL, NO?). I looked shit, granted. Didn’t care.

From then on, every time I’ve seen her she has said something along the lines of:
‘You looked horrific after you gave birth’
‘You had no colour’
‘You looked so unwell, we were all shocked’
‘SIL was horrified at how awful you looked’

I always reply ‘yes, I wasn’t well then’ and she always ‘no you weren’t, and it showed! You looked awful!’

It never seems to come from a place of concern or kindliness, it’s almost like she doesn’t want me to forget?? If that makes sense. How can I get her to stop this because it’s getting on my nerves and I don’t really like being reminded of a really painful memory. DH always says ‘you looked beautiful!’ which is a lie I know, but well-intended.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 14:36

That's nasty.
I would be saying quite firmly 'look can we move on, it was 4 ( fucking!) Years ago! Just stop will you!"

ComDummings · 07/02/2022 14:37

She’s being a dickhead so time to be a dickhead back.

D0lphine · 07/02/2022 14:39

Tell her she is being rude and ask her to not make any comments on your appearance ever again.

Completely unacceptable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Antenatal & postnatal Families General health

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2022 14:39

I know MIL, why are you still ting me every time you see me four years later?

And repeat.

AnotherMansCause · 07/02/2022 14:41

I had a very similar birth experience, by the sound of it. TBH I'd just be blunt (if she's going to be completely lacking in manners, why should you hold back), just say something like if sue finds your appearance so distressing, disappointing, etc, she's welcome not to come round until you're fully recovered, & you'll let her know.

I used to be very reserved & rather shy. After having such a horrendous birth experience & TBH both DD & I had a bit of a narrow scrape to survive it - I find I have far less time for people who can't respect my boundaries.

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:42

Totally agree it’s not alright to comment on people’s appearance but she does it about everyone - especially if someone is overweight. She doesn’t think it’s a problem.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 07/02/2022 14:43

I’d reply “Yes, you’ve said” and change the subject.

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:45

Also I have no idea why she keeps doing it, it just seems mean to me. I always tell my friends they look wonderful and glowing when I see them with a new baby (even if they don’t feel it!)

OP posts:

Acheyknees · 07/02/2022 14:45

Reply 'yeah, FIL said you looked really shit too after having DH'

Chichimcgee · 07/02/2022 14:46

I know, I’ve been meaning to say you don’t look well yourself are you alright?
Hi MIL, you look really tired today.
Hi MIL your hair could do with a trim don’t you think?
Hi MIL, goodness you look awful you should make a doctors appointment.

In reality I’d be too scared to do any of that. But could manage ‘it was 4 years ago get over it’

AnotherMansCause · 07/02/2022 14:46

By which I mean, obviously, you're still getting over the birth. And her comments are not helping. Maybe she's a bit thick & someone needs to spell ot out to her that she needs to shut up about it. No-one likes to be told they don't/didn't look well after a bad hospital experience. Whether it's recent or otherwise.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 07/02/2022 14:46

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe

... and how can I stop her doing this?!

I always reply ‘yes, I wasn’t well then’ and she always ‘no you weren’t, and it showed! You looked awful!’

Ask her why? In a conversational tone ask her of it traumatized her. You notice she brings it up all the time, and it is as if she cannot forget. Tell her you get it as you were also traumatized. Invite her to go to therapy with you.

In short, try to take ownership of this and drive her conversation down a one way street. Four years is too long.

It may well be that she was scared, and has not in fact recovered. It may be that she was worried for her ds and grandchild. She may have a little annoyance/anger at you for "doing that to her".

No matter what it is she needs to let go and stop. So help her! Have a bit of fun wth it, be naughty!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/02/2022 14:47

"it's hard to believe it's only been 4 years when you have aged so much since then mil"..
Tinkly laugh...

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 07/02/2022 14:48

@Acheyknees

Reply 'yeah, FIL said you looked really shit too after having DH'

I hope I never cross you!!

AnotherMansCause · 07/02/2022 14:48

FWIW, my DD is nearly 10. I still find the memory of her birth traumatic. She's an only child.

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:49

@CanIPleaseHaveOne I like this idea! I want to know why she does it and asking her might make her realise she’s being insensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:50

I should add we’ve since had another baby (birth a breeze by comparison) and her first words to me after coming to see DC2 was “well you look a lot better than last time!”

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 07/02/2022 14:51

Why does it keep coming up in conversation?

My mother is artful at recounting unflattering comments, in the end I have to say "I find what you are saying incredibly hurtful and we don't need to discuss this subject again. I'm aware of your opinion, now please can we never mention this again".

It's has about a 50% success rate but fortunately some things are now blacklisted.

Discofish · 07/02/2022 14:52

What a bitch

Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 14:53

I think you need to point it out rather bluntly (preferably a bit rudely) that it’s a shit thing to keep bringing up. It’s been 4 years now. There’s no need to keep banging on about it

FunnyGoingsOn · 07/02/2022 14:53

I think you should keep it simple and tell her that you don't like it and that you would like her to stop.

"MIL, I don't know if you realise but you have commented on how bad I looked after I gave birth a few times. Could you please not do it again. I don't like it. Thank you"

Clear and simple with no apology.

If she ever mentions it again then remind her of her agreement not to do if.

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:53

@MaggieFS it comes up in conversation because she loves talking about babies/children/families ... people we know/don’t know who are pregnant, just had a baby etc etc

OP posts:

NotNowBoris · 07/02/2022 14:54

Just be Frank. "I don't really enjoy talking about how terrible I looked after the birth. It's been four years, can we drop it now?"

Original poster

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:55

I think I made it worse somehow by agreeing that I looked shit? It’s like I’ve given permission to say it (just not so bloody often!)

OP posts:

Freshprincess · 07/02/2022 14:56

I wouldn’t bother with any clever comebacks. I’d just ignore the comment completely.
Oh you looked terrible
Hmmmm
No, really awful

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