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Original poster

MIL keeps reminding me how awful I looked post-partum

69 replies

MrsJaneyLloydFoxe · 07/02/2022 14:33

... and how can I stop her doing this?!

DD is four years old and she just won’t let it lie. I had a very difficult labour with DD, episiotomy, forceps, big pp bleed. I was very weak and in a lot of pain for weeks/months.
MIL came round on day 4 to see baby, didn’t comment on my appearance and was just happy to be there. She came back the following week with her DM and also my SIL, again, no comments on my appearance (AS IS NORMAL, NO?). I looked shit, granted. Didn’t care.

From then on, every time I’ve seen her she has said something along the lines of:
‘You looked horrific after you gave birth’
‘You had no colour’
‘You looked so unwell, we were all shocked’
‘SIL was horrified at how awful you looked’

I always reply ‘yes, I wasn’t well then’ and she always ‘no you weren’t, and it showed! You looked awful!’

It never seems to come from a place of concern or kindliness, it’s almost like she doesn’t want me to forget?? If that makes sense. How can I get her to stop this because it’s getting on my nerves and I don’t really like being reminded of a really painful memory. DH always says ‘you looked beautiful!’ which is a lie I know, but well-intended.

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/02/2022 14:57

Maybe next time tell her you had sex loads to get pregnant that time and your dh is a real stud. Embarrassment may shut her the fuck up!

ISeeTheLight · 07/02/2022 14:57

I'd be super blunt. "Yes I did look awful, I nearly died and it was an awful experience that I really do not need reminding of."

maddy68 · 07/02/2022 14:58

She was clearly worried about you. .... Couldn't you just tell her that you don't want to discuss it anymore but in a nice way

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Ihaventgottimeforthis · 07/02/2022 14:59

"Can I say MIL I find it very rude that you keep on commenting on my appearance after DD's birth. Please don't bring it up any more, I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if I mentioned to you every time I thought you looked like shit. I know as you get old it is hard to remember what you have talked to me about, but please make an effort with this as it is getting rather wearing".

NameChangeCity123 · 07/02/2022 14:59

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Maybe next time tell her you had sex loads to get pregnant that time and your dh is a real stud. Embarrassment may shut her the fuck up!

😂😂❤️❤️❤️ yes!

thebigpurpleone · 07/02/2022 15:00

Why isn't your husband telling her to pack it in?

D0lphine · 07/02/2022 15:14

[quote MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]@MaggieFS it comes up in conversation because she loves talking about babies/children/families ... people we know/don’t know who are pregnant, just had a baby etc etc[/quote]
God how dull.

ihaveonecat · 07/02/2022 15:16

I have no tact so I would probably say "it was 4 years ago now so can you STFU and talk about something more recent that we haven't all heard before?"

TillyTopper · 07/02/2022 15:19

"Yes maybe I did, but I find it really hurtful you keep going back to that. Please can you drop the subject and concentrate on the here and now?"

seekinglondonlife · 07/02/2022 15:20

It sounds like she was genuinely shocked and dare say it traumatised by your birth experience, :and this is why she keeps bringing it up? Almost like a very round about way of saying she was very scared for you? My DSIL had their first baby last year and even though we aren't overly close I was worried sick for her during labour.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 07/02/2022 15:21

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe

I think I made it worse somehow by agreeing that I looked shit? It’s like I’ve given permission to say it (just not so bloody often!)

Surely it is less about the fact that you looked terrible, and more about the fact that you were very, very ill, and in another time (not too long ago) they would have lost you? That you had a really hard time of it and were very sick? That they also, by proxy had a bad a time? The "easiest" way to discuss that is by saying you looked terrible - ie "you were very very ill and i was scared out of my wits. I was playing the movie, it was a horror with a terrifying ending". She may not be a bitch and she not revel in the fact that you looked bad. Try not to let that mind set take hold. it will do you no good at all.

MarchFourth · 07/02/2022 15:25

I'd quite like it and would like the acknowledgement I'd been dreadfully unwell and needed looking after, but I'm a bit snowlakey like that. If people told me I looked fantastic, which they do not, to be fair, I'd find it a bit of a burden.

MarchFourth · 07/02/2022 15:25

snowflakey, not snowlakey :)

EishetChayil · 07/02/2022 15:26

"Look, you have brought this up so many times, and frankly I am sick of it. Do NOT mention this again, and STOP commenting on people's appearance."

MarchFourth · 07/02/2022 15:27

Yes, I agree with CanIPleaseHaveOne

Georgeskitchen · 07/02/2022 15:28

Let's face it, not many mothers look fantastic just after birth, even with a relatively straightforward experience. Seems bizarre that she keeps going on after 4 years, just tell her to please get over it and move on!!

titchy · 07/02/2022 15:31

Gosh Sylvia it was four years ago now - are you really not over it yet?
And tilt head

seekinglondonlife · 07/02/2022 15:31

@MarchFourth, my friend is like this. She reminds us how ill she was after she gave birth in every conversation, and that was 15 years ago. She'd love a MIL like OPs!

Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 15:32

You could always default to the mn classic ‘did you mean to be so rude’

MarchFourth · 07/02/2022 15:33

I must be your friend, Seeking

Blueberryflavour · 07/02/2022 15:34

Something I did when i got fed up of a relative who kept banging on about something I’d rather not dwell on, was when they talked about it (and it was pretty much every time I saw them) I’d look at my watch or the time on my phone and be like well that’s 10/20/30mins you’ve waited to mention “the thing” DH and I had a bet on how long it would take you to mention it. Unbelievably rude I know but I’d had it regularly for 2 years and couldn’t take it anymore. It took 3 goes of this response to work but it’s never been mentioned again.

Cakeandcardio · 07/02/2022 15:34

I had this with my MIL too. Although, it didn't quite go on as long as yours has! Could it be she is an insecure person and putting you down makes herself feel better? My MIL said I still looked rubbish 6 weeks pp and that I didn't look like myself. But when I thought about it, I realised she was going through her own health issues at the time and probably felt SHE looked terrible. It doesn't help you though and you have my sympathies.

stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 15:35

@MrsJaneyLloydFoxe

I think I made it worse somehow by agreeing that I looked shit? It’s like I’ve given permission to say it (just not so bloody often!)

Nope. You were agreeing to shut down her rudeness. It didn’t work. Now you need to try this: scream like a banshee in her face. You don’t need words – though if you can articulate them round the bloodcurdling howl of rage I suggest “Fuck off fuck off fuck off you rude fucking witch fuck off” – just a straightforward AAAAAAAARGH. Repeat until she stops. Be your own human air-horn.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 07/02/2022 15:36

it comes up in conversation

"You do realise DD is 4 and you've mentioned this every time I've seen you since I gave birth...how is your memory these days?"

"will you shut the fuck up, I'd just given birth, I was not runner-up in Miss Milton Keynes* 1973"

change this to whatever conurbation/year to suit, obvs.

MrsBaublesDylan · 07/02/2022 15:40

Be really blunt. Any dressing it up with sarcasm or pretend nonchalance will go over her dense head.

"You must never refer to how I looked after giving birth. If you mention it again I will have to stop seeing you."

Channel her majesty-don't complain, don't explain.

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