MIL keeps reminding me how awful I looked post-partum

[MrsJaneyLloydFoxe]

... and how can I stop her doing this?!

DD is four years old and she just won’t let it lie. I had a very difficult labour with DD, episiotomy, forceps, big pp bleed. I was very weak and in a lot of pain for weeks/months.
MIL came round on day 4 to see baby, didn’t comment on my appearance and was just happy to be there. She came back the following week with her DM and also my SIL, again, no comments on my appearance (AS IS NORMAL, NO?). I looked shit, granted. Didn’t care.

From then on, every time I’ve seen her she has said something along the lines of:
‘You looked horrific after you gave birth’
‘You had no colour’
‘You looked so unwell, we were all shocked’
‘SIL was horrified at how awful you looked’

I always reply ‘yes, I wasn’t well then’ and she always ‘no you weren’t, and it showed! You looked awful!’

It never seems to come from a place of concern or kindliness, it’s almost like she doesn’t want me to forget?? If that makes sense. How can I get her to stop this because it’s getting on my nerves and I don’t really like being reminded of a really painful memory. DH always says ‘you looked beautiful!’ which is a lie I know, but well-intended.

Agree with pp's you have to firmly tell her how much it upsets you. My dsis kept bringing up something upsetting relating to my dm's death and clearing out of the day home. It was so painful and almost blamed me for the loss of family items, despite the fact that I was pretty young and grieving. In the end after she mentioned it, I lost my temper and told her how upsetting it was for her to keep raking up the past and how young and reeling in grief I was. She was taken aback & never mentioned it again.

Do you think she might just be a bit boring and not have much to say rather than trying to be mean? Some people like to fill silences with any comment whatsoever. She remembers how you looked and it just always pops into her head as something to say.

I think just be honest, but come from a place of not assuming she means to be cruel. Just say “MIL, I know you don’t mean any harm by it and you might not even be aware that you do so, but it actually hurts my feelings that you keep bringing up how bad I looked after the birth of DC1, and I wondered if you’d mind not bringing it up anymore?”

Think this is time for a 'do you mean to be so rude by bringing this up every time I see you?'
I think I'd just say to her, look MIL this is just getting repetitive by now. Move on, you're more obsessed with my appearance than I am.

P.S. you're a saint for putting up with it for so long.

Do you think she might just be a bit boring and not have much to say rather than trying to be mean? Some people like to fill silences with any comment whatsoever.
But why is what pops into her head always so fucking rude? I had a boyfriend that always said awful things to me and I called him on it (pre-dumping) and he too explained it as not having something to say, so said anything: but funnily, he never landed on saying anything nice. OP’s MIL could easily look around and say “The house is looking nice” or “You look well” or “Gosh, this rain/Wow this sun”, but nah, she somehow always winds back up at “You looked bad after giving birth”. There’s no reason or excuse for it, however boring or at a loss for words she is.

"Do you know Sheila DH and I were discussing this last night. We are a bit concerned about you as repeating the same thing over and over can be a sign that something is not quite right. I think that you should go and see the doctor."

If she won't stop out of respect for you, then would she do it for DD?

My DM had a traumatic birth with me. And told all and sundry that we both nearly died, right from when I was little. She literally cannot mention my baby years without it. To anyone. Even now almost 50 years on.

As a kid I felt massive guilt that I "did" that to her. I know as an adult logically that nothing of it was my fault but at the time I was too little to know that. I think I actually suffered trauma of some sort from it, and it still affects me when she routinely refers to it.

I can't really explain but maybe someone here wiser than me can help point you in the right direction of articles that can explain why being so graphic about a child's birth in front of a child may be damaging, and why MIL should STFU once and for all.

“MIL I find it really hurtful that you keep bringing this up. I had just had a baby so didn’t look my best, but was focussed on recovering and bonding with dd. I would really appreciate it if you could stop making these comments now”.

Actually what @londonmummy1966 has written is much better!

Your mil is a cow. I remember my mum commenting on the fact I was crying after I had ds1. I was crying because the student midwife stitched me up wrongly and another midwife had to redo it and they let my mum, inlaws and my friend into the delivery room when I was covered in blood with legs akimbo!
Tell your mil to never mention it again and if she does ask her if she has dementia with a concerned head tilt.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother telling you it upsets you. She is likely enjoying reliving the drama of that day.

She is placing herself at the centre of the action as a firsthand witness.

She clearly doesn't give a toss whether it makes you feel upset.

She must know from you response (expression and body language) that you are - at the very least - not enjoying her narration of your pain and anguish.

Just tell her to stop it or you won't see her.

Don't feed the narcissist.

I’d see less of her. She can talk drivel to your husband, it’s his job to deal with her.

@MrsBaublesDylan

Honestly, I wouldn't bother telling you it upsets you. She is likely enjoying reliving the drama of that day.

She is placing herself at the centre of the action as a firsthand witness.

She clearly doesn't give a toss whether it makes you feel upset.

She must know from you response (expression and body language) that you are - at the very least - not enjoying her narration of your pain and anguish.

Just tell her to stop it or you won't see her.

Don't feed the narcissist.

This is incredibly cynical.

@Acheyknees

Reply 'yeah, FIL said you looked really shit too after having DH'

Genius! This!

"Funny you should mention that MIL, you look absolutely terrible yourself today. Are you feeling okay? You're very pale. Are you getting enough sleep?"

Feign concerned look.

Do it every single time she says it. She'll soon get fed up.

It sounds like she is one of those people who thinks how ill a person is/was/looked/sounded is a badge of honour.

In her mind she's positively complimenting you on just how ill you looked!

My MIL greeted me with "Well, you look the colour of boiled shite" when she first saw me after I'd delivered her first grandchild (traumatically) and with a untreated chest infection.

I don't know what is wrong with them. I always tell any new mother how amazing they look.

Also, if she is one of those who is almost impressed by just how ill someone looks, saying you want her to stop directly won't register.

You should say: "Oh I know! I was shockingly ill! Like really, really ill! But MIL, it is really very distressing to think about just how ill I actually was. To be honest it's hard even thinking about it let alone talking about it. (Pause, look pained) I don't think I want it talking about it any more. If you don't mind".

Change the subject each time, ‘cup of tea?’, ‘did you see that drama on tv last night?’, ‘look Spider-Man!’

@Hellosunshiner

Also, if she is one of those who is almost impressed by just how ill someone looks, saying you want her to stop directly won't register.

You should say: "Oh I know! I was shockingly ill! Like really, really ill! But MIL, it is really very distressing to think about just how ill I actually was. To be honest it's hard even thinking about it let alone talking about it. (Pause, look pained) I don't think I want it talking about it any more. If you don't mind".

Great idea ! Then say “ Actually I’m so upset I need to go home now / go and lie down. “

Then leave.

Your husband will get fed up having to entertain her alone and he will stop his mother being so rude.

Or he won’t stop it but you won’t have to deal with it anymore.

So win win.