Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

'Why shouldn't I go with an adult if they ask, Mummy?'

68 replies

writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 14:34

I've been talking about stranger danger (not used that term) with my DS.

I have told him that if he is out and an adult talks to him he can talk to them but he should not go off with them anywhere.
And if an adult in a car stops and tries to talk to him, he should ignore them and keep on walking, because if adults have questions they should ask other adults.

But he is asking, 'why? Why can't I go with an adult, why can't I answer the questions? What would they want me to go with them?'

How would you answer those questions? I can't really tell him about paedophiles and he's a very anxious child anyone with lots of fears so I don't really want to add to them by talking about kidnapping either!

OP posts:
Mundra · 03/02/2022 14:36

"Because Mummy won't know where you are.or if you're safe"

TeenPlusCat · 03/02/2022 14:38
  • most adults are nice, but a very few aren't and we can't tell just by looking
  • because then I wouldn't know where you are

We talked about circles of friendship. Trusted adults were people who came to our house and we were friends with, so not just other parents at the school gate, nor trades who visited the house.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2022 14:39

It depends how old they are.

LowlyTheWorm · 03/02/2022 14:40

Because you need to be able to be safe and not everyone would keep you safe.
I need to know where you are and who you are with- if you go with someone I won’t know where you are.
Because it’s a rule.
I will tell you more when you’re older but for now you need to do as you’re told.

NutellaEllaElla · 03/02/2022 14:42

Because mummy would not know where you are and she would be worried and looking for you

Bakewelltart987 · 03/02/2022 14:42

Tell them the truth Because not all adults are nice,kind so in order to stay safe you never go off with them.

Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 14:45

Thanks. I think I will go with ' I won't know where you are' with the going off with other people thing.

Its a bit trickier with the someone in a car thing. I may just say its a rule.
Or something vague about not everyone being nice.

Its so sad that we have to explain these things!

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 03/02/2022 14:49

I was about 6 or 7 and asked my mother what would happen if I went off with a strange man. She said, "He might try to take your knickers down." I thought it was a weird thing to do, but just accepted it. I was often out and about on my own, and caught the bus to school by myself.

TottersBlankly · 03/02/2022 14:53

It’s difficult as the clear reasons must, to be properly effective, be a little bit frightening. Pretty sure my parents told me strangers in cars might want to carry me to their faraway house and never give me back.

The children I’ve had to have the conversation with had generally seen enough TV news by that stage for the information to be familiar.

PAFMO · 03/02/2022 14:53

@writingonpaper

Thanks. I think I will go with ' I won't know where you are' with the going off with other people thing. Its a bit trickier with the someone in a car thing. I may just say its a rule. Or something vague about not everyone being nice.

Its so sad that we have to explain these things!

It's also very outdated advice as safeguarding practices actively advise AGAINST telling small children about "stranger danger" (even without using the term) as most cases of abuse etc come from within the family or are committed by someone who is very much not a stranger to the child. Giving all those rules about cars and people in the street speaking to them is all well and good, but, to put it crudely, it's far more likely to be a close family relative "pulling his pants down" and if a child has had it drilled into them about strangers, they may be reluctant to tell.
Blueuggboots · 03/02/2022 14:53

I use a secret word with my son. So he knows if an adult asks him to go with them, they have to tell him the password. So for example, if I collapsed, and he was in a different part of the supermarket (he's 11 now so this is possible) and an adult approached him to take him to me, they would have to tell him the secret word for him to go with them. That way he knows he has my permission to go with an unknown adult if required.
I have always told him that not all adults are nice people and it's very important to stay safe.

RonMaelDancing · 03/02/2022 15:02

If he's old enough to be out by himself, he is unfortunately old enough to need to know about paedophiles. What age is he?

For younger children I've said something like "Some adults are not nice and want to hurt children."
I'm sure he knows there are criminals in the world. You don't have to mention sexual abuse explicitly if he isn't ready to learn about it. But you can say that some people unfortunately are bad and might try to do horrid things.
Whatever his age, he should know about inappropriate touches etc. There are ways of talking about paedophilia without going into inappropriate detail.

Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 15:05

Giving all those rules about cars and people in the street speaking to them is all well and good, but, to put it crudely, it's far more likely to be a close family relative "pulling his pants down" and if a child has had it drilled into them about strangers, they may be reluctant to tell

Yes, but this is general advice to the population. I am confident no men in our family are a risk. We have a small family anyway and he only sees other males in our company. And I've told him the rule about him being the boss of his body and no-one can do something to his body he does not like, not even me. So if he doesn't want a hug from me, I don't give him a hug. It backfired that actually, he went through a phase of saying, ' You can't make me go to bed as my body goes to bed and I am the boss of my body!' He used it to try to get out of everything he didn't want to do Grin

Explaining these adult concepts to young children is really hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 15:06

He's 8 and he is starting to make very short local trips by himself.

OP posts:
zafferana · 03/02/2022 15:07

I think it's really important that small DC understand that some adults are bad people who would hurt them. I know it's a horrible thing to have to say to a small DC, but they need to be a little bit scared to know the danger. I grew up in the 70s and 80s when there were some pretty scary public information campaigns about stranger danger, bodies of water, playing on railway lines, electricity substations - and while they were scary they definitely got the message across - which was you could die!

Guacamoleontoast · 03/02/2022 15:08

@NutellaEllaElla

Because mummy would not know where you are and she would be worried and looking for you
This is a good response. Depending on the age of the child (and from the question, it seems like a 4,5 year old or younger), there's no need to go into detail.
Guacamoleontoast · 03/02/2022 15:09

Just seen that he is 8. In that case, probably better to say that not everyone is nice.

zafferana · 03/02/2022 15:09

The issue about creepy men in the family is another conversation to have when necessary. I had a creepy uncle who was fortunately confined to a chair by ill health. My DM told me never to sit on his knee, however much he asked and to never turn my back on him, because he'd touch my bottom! I never did. Old perv.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 03/02/2022 15:10

Because some adults hurt children and I dont want that to happen to you.

Beamur · 03/02/2022 15:16

I think that sometimes you do have to scare children a little bit. The wider world is not an entirely safe place.
Whilst you do need to ensure that they begin to learn skills to keep themselves safe, you also need to talk to them about how and when to keep secrets and have the language skills and confidence to talk to you about anything.

ThirdElephant · 03/02/2022 15:19

At 8? I'd tell him that some adults are nasty and will hurt children if they have the chance.

I'd also tell him to beware of adults, even ones he knows, telling him to keep anything a secret.

Ozanj · 03/02/2022 15:19

@writingonpaper

He's 8 and he is starting to make very short local trips by himself.
If you had a daughter it’s very likely she would already be receiving of inappropriate but ‘normalised’ sexual behaviour from grown men during her short trips. So think of it from that perspective - that your DS, though is protected to an extent by virtue of being male, may help one of the girls in his class to get help if needed. With DN, who I am responsible for, I was just extremely honest as soon as she was old enough to make short trips by herself - ‘that not every adult is nice and some want to hurt kids. Either by trying to take them away, touching them, or making comments that make them feel uncomfortable’. I have taught her it doesn’t matter what people think and she should be unafraid to yell, run, scream and punch if she feels she has to. I don’t care if this means she gets it wrong occasionally provided she’s safe.
BertieBotts · 03/02/2022 15:22

Just saying that he can't go off isn't that helpful BTW because someone who really wants to abduct a child will make up an excuse.

I used to tell DS1 if he wanted to go anywhere with somebody, whether a friend or an adult or whatever it was, he just needed to come and tell me/check with me first. And that even if they said I already knew or it was somebody I know or they were just going to the shop on the corner/the other side of the park etc, he should check just in case. It would only take a second, and generally I'd be fine with it. Saying it this way meant he had a lot of practice actually doing it (always for an innocent reason) and (I hope) that meant if anything not innocent ever came up, then he would have been likely to follow his normal practice of asking rather than it being an unfamiliar situation where he's unlikely to remember a one off conversation from ages ago.

Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 15:24

Yes. I've maybe held back a bit because he's had a number of obsessive fears in the past that have taken a lot of time to overcome, and became quite limiting. Maybe I need to be clearer that some adults aren't nice.

OP posts: