'Why shouldn't I go with an adult if they ask, Mummy?'

[writingonpaper]

I've been talking about stranger danger (not used that term) with my DS.

I have told him that if he is out and an adult talks to him he can talk to them but he should not go off with them anywhere.
And if an adult in a car stops and tries to talk to him, he should ignore them and keep on walking, because if adults have questions they should ask other adults.

But he is asking, 'why? Why can't I go with an adult, why can't I answer the questions? What would they want me to go with them?'

How would you answer those questions? I can't really tell him about paedophiles and he's a very anxious child anyone with lots of fears so I don't really want to add to them by talking about kidnapping either!

@BiscuitLover3678

But those sorts of people say things like “don’t worry mummy won’t mind/she’ll know”

I’d go with not all adults are very nice !

One is context to the question ‘Why shouldn’t I go with an adult somewhere?’ (not all adults are nice) and one is operational/practical instruction (‘Always check with Mum/Dad Every. Single. Time. No Matter What. Even if they say Mummy knows.)

Both are useful and work to compliment each other.

The thing with children is they really don't think of the consequences so telling them well I won't know were you are won't work dc will think its OK they will bring me back later. Its an awful world we live in and unfortunately we can't shield our dc forever we need to tell them the truth but in a child friendly way. They need to know that not everyone is good just as they need to know to phone police if in danger or lost etc.

He has no idea what sex is!

He has no idea what sex is, at 8?!

Of course he should have an age-appropriate knowledge at this stage.

@StillWeRise - I'm highly unlikely to actually collapse, sorry, poor example. If I fell and broke my leg....

I don’t see how “knowing about sex” is relevant. You presumably are talking about knowing how babies are made (appropriate whenever a child asks or it becomes pertinent). Rape, pedophilia, and sexual abuse really shouldn’t be the same subject as they are nothing to do with procreation or love or mutual pleasure.

Look up the concept of telling children about 'tricky people' instead of 'stranger danger' it focuses less on who the adult is and more on what's being asked/offered. E.g. A trustworthy adult won't ask a child for help, they would be asking another adult

I agree with PPs that if you don't think he's old enough to know that there are some adults who want to hurt children, he's not old enough to be going places alone. I really like PPs way of putting that good adults never mind you checking with mum or dad as well, that's a brilliant way of explaining it and I will be using that myself.

I had to have a frabkncpnveraation with my son when he was 6 he kept running off when out with us. Very hard when he was put with the older relatives whi couldnt keep up. I had to scare him a bit and I told him some people are horrible and will do horrid things to you if you run off. He seemed shocked, asked questions but I was honest and said if you run a bad person might take you away and mummy wont see you anymore so I must always be able to see you when we go for walks. I plan on getting the underwear book from the nspcc. I'm sure when I was at school we had the stranger danger chat but apparently they dont do it anymore

Have a look at the website Clever Never Goes (sorry, I can’t do a link) for ways to teach children how to stay safe from abduction etc.

I just tell my DD (6) that some people are shits, even people who seem really really nice. So you can't trust everyone and there are some guidelines to follow in terms of what can keep her safe. She knows the pants rule and that she needs a password if someone picks her up from school that isn't me or dh.

I just said that "most adults are nice, but there are some that might hurt you."

At this age, I also reiterated that even if its someone you know (eg our neighbour) asking you to do something we haven't planned or agreed on, or turn up to collect you from somewhere then, then say they need to check with me.

In the gentlest of ways, OP, if he is old enough to be out on his own, he needs to know more than “I won’t know where you are.”

If he is sheltered, then would he not simply believe someone that says to him “but your mummy knows where I am taking you” etc?

I like the phrase suggested by the pp that “most adults are nice but can’t tell by just looking”.

As an aside, basic sex ed should start early. It makes it factual and not scary but also importantly, it helps children understand what is appropriate.

Because there are some bullies who pretend to be nice until they are alone with someone they can bully. It doesn't happen very often so you don't need to be scared, but if a grownup is trying to make friends with you without me being there or knowing about it, they could be someone with a secret plan to be mean to you later, so its best to be suspicious until Daddy or I know them well enough to be sure they are actually nice and not just pretending.

This can then fit into a narrative of making sure a child can feel able to tell you if someone that is actually known to them turns out to be a danger. Teaching kids about stranger danger is important, but far more child abuse is perpetrated on victims by their own relatives or adults in authority who are known to their parents, and who presents themselves as totally lovely and fun to be with whenever they aren't alone with a victim.

I think this is something where role play is very important. You can act the part of the baddie and use all the tropes to try and get your kid to go with them. From puppies, mummy asked me to pick you up, I’ll tell your teacher you are not listening etc etc.

I say this because I had very authoritarian parents who told me I was never to get into a car with strangers. Nothing more. No explanations. All very nebulous and theoretical.

When I was 10, I was waiting for a bus to the shops and a man who I didn’t recognise pulled up in his car and told me he would give me a lift. I got straight into his car. Because overriding the order that I was never to get in a car with a stranger was that nothing on earth was worse or more disgraceful than not listening to or being seen to be rude to an adult.

Anyway, as soon as I was in the car, I recognised the driver as a family friend and saw his kids who where my classmates in the back seat and all was well. But I often think about how easily I pushed aside my instincts because I didn’t want to be rude.

One of my role plays as a baddie is where I act shocked at my kids’ rudeness and refusal to go with me and threaten to tell their teacher and parents.

@BuanoKubiamVej

Because there are some bullies who pretend to be nice until they are alone with someone they can bully. It doesn't happen very often so you don't need to be scared, but if a grownup is trying to make friends with you without me being there or knowing about it, they could be someone with a secret plan to be mean to you later, so its best to be suspicious until Daddy or I know them well enough to be sure they are actually nice and not just pretending.

This can then fit into a narrative of making sure a child can feel able to tell you if someone that is actually known to them turns out to be a danger. Teaching kids about stranger danger is important, but far more child abuse is perpetrated on victims by their own relatives or adults in authority who are known to their parents, and who presents themselves as totally lovely and fun to be with whenever they aren't alone with a victim.

That’s very well thought out @BuanoKubiamVej

@BuanoKubiamVej

Because there are some bullies who pretend to be nice until they are alone with someone they can bully. It doesn't happen very often so you don't need to be scared, but if a grownup is trying to make friends with you without me being there or knowing about it, they could be someone with a secret plan to be mean to you later, so its best to be suspicious until Daddy or I know them well enough to be sure they are actually nice and not just pretending.

This can then fit into a narrative of making sure a child can feel able to tell you if someone that is actually known to them turns out to be a danger. Teaching kids about stranger danger is important, but far more child abuse is perpetrated on victims by their own relatives or adults in authority who are known to their parents, and who presents themselves as totally lovely and fun to be with whenever they aren't alone with a victim.

Thanks this is helpful.

As an aside, basic sex ed should start early. It makes it factual and not scary but also importantly, it helps children understand what is appropriate

He knows a lot about bodies, we use the proper terms - he knows about menstruation and menopause as he sees the things that I have in relation to that and asks so I tell him. He's never actually asked how babies get into women though, so I have never told him. I have wondered when and how to start that conversation, and how to present a counter balance to the whole misogynistic violent porn thing. That's a whole other thread though.