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Original poster

'Why shouldn't I go with an adult if they ask, Mummy?'

68 replies

writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 14:34

I've been talking about stranger danger (not used that term) with my DS.

I have told him that if he is out and an adult talks to him he can talk to them but he should not go off with them anywhere.
And if an adult in a car stops and tries to talk to him, he should ignore them and keep on walking, because if adults have questions they should ask other adults.

But he is asking, 'why? Why can't I go with an adult, why can't I answer the questions? What would they want me to go with them?'

How would you answer those questions? I can't really tell him about paedophiles and he's a very anxious child anyone with lots of fears so I don't really want to add to them by talking about kidnapping either!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 03/02/2022 15:26

If he’s 8, and he’s mature enough to make local trips by himself, then he is mature enough to know that the world isn’t entirely full of trustworthy people.

Not all people - children or adults - are kind and nice.

You could try asking him why he thinks that’s a rule. Find out what he understands or doesn’t and let that frame your conversation.

godmum56 · 03/02/2022 15:39

@Blueuggboots

I use a secret word with my son. So he knows if an adult asks him to go with them, they have to tell him the password. So for example, if I collapsed, and he was in a different part of the supermarket (he's 11 now so this is possible) and an adult approached him to take him to me, they would have to tell him the secret word for him to go with them. That way he knows he has my permission to go with an unknown adult if required. I have always told him that not all adults are nice people and it's very important to stay safe.
which is fine until you are unconscious.....not saying its not a good idea but its not foolproof
Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 15:40

You could try asking him why he thinks that’s a rule. Find out what he understands or doesn’t and let that frame your conversation

That's a good idea. Thanks.

OP posts:
Crimesean · 03/02/2022 15:45

Try to put across that someone might seem nice and friendly, but that doesn't mean they can be trusted. It's a tricky topic, but paedophiles are still trying the 'nice man with a cute dog' trick because it works.

Teach him red flags - any adult telling him to come away with him/her on his own, away from his parent/person in charge is not to be trusted, even if they seem nice. Strangers bearing gifts - don't accept them. Never take sweets from a stranger.

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 15:51

If he's old enough to be out by himself, he is unfortunately old enough to need to know about paedophiles.

I agree. If you are not ready for them to lose their innocence or you feel they are not mature enough to understand then they shouldn't be out alone.

dottydodah · 03/02/2022 16:25

I remember having this conversation with my Mum .I must have been a similar age .I asked not even Uncle Paul?.This hit home for me as she said No not even him(Nothing untoward ,just trying to hammer the point home!) Stuck in my mind !

StillWeRise · 03/02/2022 16:29

@Blueuggboots

I use a secret word with my son. So he knows if an adult asks him to go with them, they have to tell him the password. So for example, if I collapsed, and he was in a different part of the supermarket (he's 11 now so this is possible) and an adult approached him to take him to me, they would have to tell him the secret word for him to go with them. That way he knows he has my permission to go with an unknown adult if required. I have always told him that not all adults are nice people and it's very important to stay safe.
but if you'd collapsed, how would you tell the other person the password?
Kopenbergglass · 03/02/2022 16:37

My eldest is 8.

I work in a safeguarding role and its already come up in discussions about my work. I tell my kids that some people are not nice people, they do bad things that I never want them to experience first hand and you can't trust people without knowing them first.

I would also advise you not to presume that any abusers in your family are going to be male.

TeapotCollection · 03/02/2022 16:42

Don’t know if this is any help. When my nieces and nephews were little they were always told not to go anywhere with anyone without telling whoever was looking after them that they were going, which meant that when I had them they wouldn’t even go with their own parents without telling me first

DiddyHeck · 03/02/2022 16:48

I was just honest with my kids as my parents were with me. I explained what kidnapping was and the message went through immediately. Then again, the old fairytales like Hansel and Gretel used to warn against this sort of thing, as did The Pied Piper.

deeplyrooted · 03/02/2022 17:29

Our rule was that you must always ask mummy or daddy first (accepting sweets, going places, searching for lost puppies and lots and lots of less sinister things like leaving the table or having a biscuit)

They would ask, even Uncle Tom? Even Granny? And my answer was that good adults never mind waiting for you to ask mum and that anyone who doesn’t want you to check with mummy isn’t a good person and might be a baddie.

There are lots of baddies in books and cartoons. I don’t think young dc need too much information. Mine think along the lines of kidnapping and poisoning but haven’t imagined anything worse.

ComDummings · 03/02/2022 17:32

I tell the truth. Some grown ups are horrible and hurt children. We cannot tell who they are.

steppemum · 03/02/2022 17:41

I think that at 8 you really do need to tell him that some adults are not nice and hurt kids.

I told my dd that she was never to get in a car with any of her friends parents without asking me first, in ANY circumstances, the rule was there because not adults are as nice as they appear, and that because we didn't know all of them it was better to have blanket rule, so she would be safe.
There were only 2 people that didn't apply to, and she knew who they were. (very close friends) We told her we will not send anyone else ever to get you, in an emergency school will know who we are sending, and you must only go with who school says.

sadly I had to be quite explicit about not your friends parents as there was a parent I didn't trust. As it turned out, I was right. Sad

steppemum · 03/02/2022 17:43

They would ask, even Uncle Tom? Even Granny? And my answer was that good adults never mind waiting for you to ask mum and that anyone who doesn’t want you to check with mummy isn’t a good person and might be a baddie.

yes this is a great line. Good adults will WANT you to check with mum and dad

StillWeRise · 03/02/2022 18:16

I think 'most people are nice and kind- there are some that aren't and want to hurt you (we don't know why)- and we can't tell which people they are. They are very sneaky and can pretend to be kind. So you never go with them/do what they say without checking with me first'

Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 18:50

@TheOrigRights

If he's old enough to be out by himself, he is unfortunately old enough to need to know about paedophiles.

I agree. If you are not ready for them to lose their innocence or you feel they are not mature enough to understand then they shouldn't be out alone.

He has no idea what sex is! So he has not context to know what sexual abuse is.

We've talked with him about the pants rule, and being the boss of his body and I think that's enough for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
writingonpaper · 03/02/2022 18:51

@DiddyHeck

I was just honest with my kids as my parents were with me. I explained what kidnapping was and the message went through immediately. Then again, the old fairytales like Hansel and Gretel used to warn against this sort of thing, as did The Pied Piper.
Maybe I should explain it within the context of some cartoons he has watched.
OP posts:
Crimesean · 03/02/2022 19:19

@writingonpaper I think you should have an age appropriate conversation about anatomy and the birds and the bees. Knowledge is really important to protect children.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2022 19:24

I say how like in paw patrol there’s some bad guys, most people are good but you can’t be sure

Absolutesuperstar · 03/02/2022 19:28

We have a book from the library at the moment called “Come and Tell Me” which talks about not going off with people and always telling your parents where you are. Found it very helpful.

steppemum · 03/02/2022 19:30

He has no idea what sex is! So he has not context to know what sexual abuse is.

he doesn't need to know what sex is.
he needs to know that there are people out there who hurt children.
You don't need to explain all the details, just that they are there, and they sometimes look for and hurt children.

Also, he is 8, I can promise you that in the playground he will soon be hearing about sex. If you wnat him to learn from the playground go ahead, but I think it is better to give him some basic age appropriate facts to counter playground rubbish

5zeds · 03/02/2022 20:01

We started with kidnappers rather than focusing on what might be done to vulnerable people. I was taught as a child to shout and to hold onto your bike so you couldn’t be bundled into a car. I’m not from the uk though and ancient. We knew there were bad people who liked hurting people but not how.

StillWeRise · 03/02/2022 20:27

if he's 8 he should already know what sex is, but that's pretty irrelevant really, he should know that sex is a loving happy private thing that adults who love each other do together.
The fact that some adults want to harm children is a whole other thing and shouldn't be mentioned in the same sentence.

BiscuitLover3678 · 03/02/2022 20:29

But those sorts of people say things like “don’t worry mummy won’t mind/she’ll know”

I’d go with not all adults are very nice !

NoSquirrels · 03/02/2022 20:36

I think children ought to know ‘what sex is’ by 8.

In an age-appropriate way, of course - but you must have discussed how women get pregnant, surely?