Friend hates me going to the gym

[PicnicBunny]

What do you do when you make new friends and they just don’t ‘get you’.
I’m not working out to look better only. It’s a general lifestyle I’ve always been into fitness and play tennis and swim and run as part of ‘stuff I do’. Makes me so happy. I also don’t mind a lot of alone time.

But I get the same conversation every morning from my friend at the school gates - trying to take me to the coffee shop to chat.

Last year ( when we met) it went from both of us walking down to the gym and I’d say good bye to her there, or walking down the riverside, walking elsewhere…(with a coffee) because I was actually running in the evenings and playing tennis - and when I did some damage to my shoulder I did end up going to sit at the coffee shop, instead of going to the gym.
She LOVED this. Quite how much I had not realised.
But now, my shoulder has been fixed. I am back at the gym.
I understand we became close. She felt great. I usually felt like I’d wasted my day if I’d spent half the morning at a coffee shop, though still a little good that I had been there for her, and listened to her, helped her, advised her. She often said it’s like having a therapist / big sister.
I’ve advised her to actually book an appointment with a real therapist because she may need that for deeper rooted problems.

Since this January and my back and shoulder had been fixed, I’ve gone back to the gym. How to resume my old life?
Every morning she’s upset or trying hard to convince me I can go to the coffee shop first before the gym. I have not once caved. But she doesn’t know how pissed off I am by this constant manipulation.
She will send me pictures and messages of her having a coffee alone !
Also meeting up at other times does not seem to work…

I hate feeling guilty and selfish for not being there for someone. She enjoys my company and has taken it really hard and constantly comments that she feels dumped.

She's made you take responsibility instead of her I meant. Raise your boundaries and maintain them better, don't rescue people, she is already making you the bad person and her the victim. You ha e both created this, you can choose what to do next to benefit both of you.

My simple gut reaction is:

You've done your best. Time to step away.

I can relate to quite a bit of what's been going on as when i was in my 20s i had a work friend (in her 30s) who leaned on me more and more heavily for support. Mental and physical. Long story short i wasn't anywhere near emotionally mature enough to either help or pull away properly and it ended badly. It's like someone jumping onto you and clinging because they are sinking/drowning. You can drag them to shore and show them where the boats are once, maybe twice, IF you're a strong swimmer - but ultimately you're going to burn out because you're NOT a lifeboat crew. They'll never just sit nicely on the beach with you and chat.

Enough with that metaphor now sorry!

As i say you have been marvellous and gone further than many people would have with her. You have given her a lot of tools to help herself with already. Time now to go back to you

I think you need to stick with your gym routine.
You signed up for a casual friendship, not a daily therapy session.

Who would want this.

I agree with @OakRowan above.

Yep, keep to your normal routine and get busier. Be unavailable. Everything you have done hasn't made any difference at all, she has even gone back to him and wasted your time and energy, so you haven't helped her. Get on with your life and mind your own business better, which will help you run your actual business better. Too busy, sorry, working, repeat.

I’ve dumped friends for less!
How dare she try and manipulate your feelings. Sending pictures to make you feel bad is controlling.
She maybe lovely to talk to but she is not being nice if she is stopping you doing things you enjoy.
I definitely would not feel guilty or selfish for doing my thing.

In fact it would do my head in having to spend time with the same person every morning.
What would I do? Not even open the photos if you know what they are going to be. I’d keep the convo light to begin with but wold be challenging the manipulation. She’s trying to convince you not to go to the gym but you are quite capable of saying ‘ but, it’s what I do, you know that!’

Very good post from oakrowan i thought

I mean, how could we have gone through bloody covid homeschooling lockdown nightmare but our friendship can’t survive us going back to normality???

How can it survive, if you are not communicating any of this to her?

Just tell her!
"Pal, I've been happy to be supportive while you navigated issue XYZ, & enjoy your company. But I need some support back - you knew that my morning gym routine is very important to me, & when you ask me to change it, I feel like you don't understand that I need it for my own mental health.
Now my shoulder's healed, I'm going to be at the gym every morning for the forseeable. So shall we make a regular coffee date outside of those times, to make sure we still get one-on-one time?"

She'll either say yes, & you'll fix something up, & stay pals.
Or she'll dig her heels in, bitch about loneliness, & push you to back down.

You'll then know if this is actually a friendship (see PP's comments upthread about wanting to compartmentalise you into a specific slot, & not bothering to chat with you at football) - or just a ships that passed in the night palship.
Because nobody except a totally self-absorbed tosser would want to deny you your gym time, & imagine that their wishes automatically override your needs.

@Dontbeme

We met after the lockdown, down an aisle one day, (her son and my son are in the same class at school) she told me she wanted to kill herself over lockdown

I might be misreading this but did she tell you on the first meeting about feeling suicidal? The boundaries are way off in this dynamic.

Yup.

OP, I suspect you have 'rescuer' tendencies, & have fallen into this uneven dynamic without understanding how it happened.

Until you speak clearly & directly to your pal, this dynamic will continue, & you will end up the enabling party in a co-dependent relationship.

Have you ever had counselling yourself?
Not because there's something 'wrong' with you - but because there are probably areas you could use some extra insight to, & some handholding while you explore & look to understand where this level of people-pleasing came form.

It's fine to want to please people! - but if you do not also know how to establish boundaries, communicate them clearly, & remain assertive in your kindness ... you are going to have some one-sided & unhealthy relationships, of which this one is a case in point.

Look, neither 0f you are wrong, she is doing ‘her’ version of friend , you are doing ‘your’ version of friend. You are both entitled to your needs.

However, I did notice in your OP that you mention how great you are for her, how much she values you, but you don’t mention anything you like about her.
In fact, you seem to have nothing but contempt.
Possibly best to cut and run, for her sake, too.