Friend hates me going to the gym

[PicnicBunny]

What do you do when you make new friends and they just don’t ‘get you’.
I’m not working out to look better only. It’s a general lifestyle I’ve always been into fitness and play tennis and swim and run as part of ‘stuff I do’. Makes me so happy. I also don’t mind a lot of alone time.

But I get the same conversation every morning from my friend at the school gates - trying to take me to the coffee shop to chat.

Last year ( when we met) it went from both of us walking down to the gym and I’d say good bye to her there, or walking down the riverside, walking elsewhere…(with a coffee) because I was actually running in the evenings and playing tennis - and when I did some damage to my shoulder I did end up going to sit at the coffee shop, instead of going to the gym.
She LOVED this. Quite how much I had not realised.
But now, my shoulder has been fixed. I am back at the gym.
I understand we became close. She felt great. I usually felt like I’d wasted my day if I’d spent half the morning at a coffee shop, though still a little good that I had been there for her, and listened to her, helped her, advised her. She often said it’s like having a therapist / big sister.
I’ve advised her to actually book an appointment with a real therapist because she may need that for deeper rooted problems.

Since this January and my back and shoulder had been fixed, I’ve gone back to the gym. How to resume my old life?
Every morning she’s upset or trying hard to convince me I can go to the coffee shop first before the gym. I have not once caved. But she doesn’t know how pissed off I am by this constant manipulation.
She will send me pictures and messages of her having a coffee alone !
Also meeting up at other times does not seem to work…

I hate feeling guilty and selfish for not being there for someone. She enjoys my company and has taken it really hard and constantly comments that she feels dumped.

@Bobholll

You both need to get jobs 🥴 I have zero brain space to be engaging in this kinda thing cos life is really busy!

Even as a SAHM, who the hell has time to sit having a coffee all morning?! Do you have younger kids or have you just both chosen to not go back to work once your kids got to school age? That seems very unusual ..

Unusual? Shock horror, some people don't work because they don't have to or want to. You don't need the excuse of small children for that.

@Bobholll

You both need to get jobs 🥴 I have zero brain space to be engaging in this kinda thing cos life is really busy!

Even as a SAHM, who the hell has time to sit having a coffee all morning?! Do you have younger kids or have you just both chosen to not go back to work once your kids got to school age? That seems very unusual ..

OP’s mentioned several times that she has her own business and had recently changed to working from home during the afternoon, leaving her morning’s free.

@Bobholll

You both need to get jobs 🥴 I have zero brain space to be engaging in this kinda thing cos life is really busy!

Even as a SAHM, who the hell has time to sit having a coffee all morning?! Do you have younger kids or have you just both chosen to not go back to work once your kids got to school age? That seems very unusual ..

Maybe read OP's posts. She does work.

The meeting up being set to one day a week…
I will give an honest answer here.

The nature of her problems she talked about means that I will have to ask her again next day if she was okay, her mum, her ex did he …
Did she..?

(And it will begin again)

That’s the first time I’ve admitted this. Even to myself.

Ah, there's your issue then. You are deeply invested in her too. You aren't obliged to ask those questions actually. They can wait or you just let her deal with consequences herself. This isn't about her OP.

Op give yourself a slap or throw cold water in your face to bring yourself back to reality.

She doesn't actually care about you.
She doesn't see you as a friend.
She doesn't speak to you at football club because you are not a friend.
She views you as a therapist, nothing more.
She will continue guilting you until you push her away.
She has no issue with using you at all.

Wake up and see the light. She's a bitch who refuses to actually pay a proper therapist and would prefer using you. Probably doesn't even have proper problems, just made up ones in her messed up head.

The nature of her problems she talked about means that I will have to ask her again next day if she was okay, her mum, her ex did he …
Did she..?

No it doesn't.
Not even with a therapist - unless the client has problems which threaten life or safety.

If your pal does have those problems, she needs a therapist, specialists agencies or emergency services.

Not you, a pal of a year's standing.
Sure - she's overshared & over-expected.
But some of your guilt is maybe about how you allowed yourself to get sucked in to comply with over-delivering from your side.
You have maybe over-invested. I could feel the sting of your other friend's comment about 'a project' from here, & I'm just a random stranger.

It's not your fault & you meant kindly - but in the long term learn from it, & in the short term, use whatever suggestions PP have made to dial all the intensity down a bit.

Without getting into it too much I have my own business which opens in the evenings. I do some stuff in the afternoon. Make promo videos, social media posts reply to customers, design stuff, take pics. It’s entirely all in-house and I do everything myself. I enjoy it. I’ve had the business for quite a few years - so while I am a sahm- I’m also not exactly. I dictate my own time and if I want to, don’t want to, and usually I do want to do things. And I’m hugely motivated and there’s always sooo much more to do I often feel overwhelmed.

She was in a very dark place. We met after the lockdown, down an aisle one day, (her son and my son are in the same class at school) she told me she wanted to kill herself over lockdown. (This is real! I believed her)
I couldn’t leave her and listened to her and tried my best to advise. It became more regular to ask if she was ok.
I am not the type to confide in people so easily, - I have a husband who is great with his advice and he’s my rock. But yes, whenever she said anything I have got experience so advised. I talked to her about general problems but I have other friends, over twenty years kind of friends, who I speak to and also go out with and round my house or theirs.

She had real problems. Her ex was abusive. She has taken my advice and reported him now and stopped him from all sorts of stuff. Her mother was ill in hospital and new covid rules meant she couldn’t even visit so was distressing for her.

Problem is she’s NOT manipulative. This wasn’t a ploy.

The walk and the talk was great. My shoulder wasn’t visibly that bad. Most mornings I thought I’d love to be home after school drop off - come home and work from bed with a hot water bottle or something. It didn’t matter much to me that instead it was a coffee shop. I didn’t mind giving her that time. She would often insist as she had some serious issues her ex trying to kill her (I hate saying this all here. It doesn’t feel right but I’m trying to say how important it was for her, and how in that situation any woman would probably react to another woman in distress)

I honestly don’t feel like I used her. Or that she used me. I really thought we were friends. But I am really upset that (as petty and beige as my life and goals might be) I would have loved it if she had also respected my time and my dreams. Can it not work? We are entirely different it feels. Just this one thing. My mornings are sacred.
(Friendships are sacred too!)

She doesn’t work. But she does care for her father and she has a lot more time sometimes. Sometimes not as much when she’s running around organising for the dog or her parents, son.

But this gym schedule coming back has really upset her and now I find her too clingy. Too needy.

Our relationship was never balanced - but I didn’t mind. I do now.
So it may be me that is the problem.

Okay guys last post from me is draining me even reading it. I’m going back to thinking I’m a cow.
I adore her. She was so fun, had so much positive energy and real bff material despite everything she was going through. I mean, how could we have gone through bloody covid homeschooling lockdown nightmare but our friendship can’t survive us going back to normality???

People are so unnecessarily rude about sahm - can't resist a dig, even when the OP isn't even one. People with jobs are also prone to thinking about things which bother them!

Honestly, just cut her off. You haven't used her, as some posters have twisted events to make out - going for coffee with someone when it was convenient for you both doesn't obligate you to make room in your life to be her free therapist for ever.

It comes down to this, if you don't want to go for coffee and it's getting in the way of you doing what you actually value, then stop. You don't owe her any of your time. Too often women are made to feel that they have to put their own lives second to the demands of others, even relative strangers.

We met after the lockdown, down an aisle one day, (her son and my son are in the same class at school) she told me she wanted to kill herself over lockdown

I might be misreading this but did she tell you on the first meeting about feeling suicidal? The boundaries are way off in this dynamic.

I’m checking out of this post now ladies. Thank you everyone for the harsh truths I needed to hear and taking the time and sharing your experiences. Really helped. I have calmed down. No I will never text her something awful!

Another talk on the horizon! Another ‘you’re welcome to join me at the gym :)’

When I was younger, I had a few friendships where the dynamic was something similar. The friend would use me as a counsellor and the focus would be very much on their problems and lives, while I would be the one who had things together and would advise. None of these friendships ever became enduring. I think when the dynamic is not equal from the start, it becomes very hard to build a solid and equal friendship later. It is different in an established friendship when you lean on someone for help for a while, as you already have a good foundation in place.

So I wouldn't feel bad about this one not working out, OP. Some friendships aren't meant to endure.

I can't imagine spending two hours in a coffee shop every morning, she sounds very needy and as though she has far too much time on her hands. She needs to get a job or her own hobby, not relying on you to fill her empty life.

Gosh I wouldn’t say she’s welcome at the gym. Just say have a nice day bye. You don’t owe her your time or any explanation.

So save up the ‘how did your mum get on with…’ for once a week.
Tbh I cba with a set arrangement, even once a week, with anyone. I had this once. Once.
“We could get together for a coffee midweek.” with a new local pal turned into a Wednesday fixture that soon became a chore and an obligation. I was coming from a casual angle (if we’re both free) whereas she saw it as a formal agreement. If something else came up, like my mum visiting or an appointment, she would be upset. I felt really uncomfortable about it affecting her that way. It made me feel cornered.
I’m afraid to say that I was so creeped out by her that I ghosted her in the end.

@PicnicBunny

Okay guys last post from me is draining me even reading it. I’m going back to thinking I’m a cow. I adore her. She was so fun, had so much positive energy and real bff material despite everything she was going through. I mean, how could we have gone through bloody covid homeschooling lockdown nightmare but our friendship can’t survive us going back to normality???

If most of your relationship she has been talking about feeling suicidal and a lot of other quite serious family problems- can it really be true she had so much happy energy? Do you actually have anything in common with her other than this slightly codependent dynamic? It does seem like you may have enjoyed being a 'fixer' rather than a friend and now realising why it was a mistake.

I think all relationships based on crisis and trauma (like yours is, coupled with Covid) are bound to fail. Because it develops in a bubble that's temporary and when real life develops, you realise there's not much in common. That is what seems to have happened here.

@PicnicBunny

Without getting into it too much I have my own business which opens in the evenings. I do some stuff in the afternoon. Make promo videos, social media posts reply to customers, design stuff, take pics. It’s entirely all in-house and I do everything myself. I enjoy it. I’ve had the business for quite a few years - so while I am a sahm- I’m also not exactly. I dictate my own time and if I want to, don’t want to, and usually I do want to do things. And I’m hugely motivated and there’s always sooo much more to do I often feel overwhelmed.

She was in a very dark place. We met after the lockdown, down an aisle one day, (her son and my son are in the same class at school) she told me she wanted to kill herself over lockdown. (This is real! I believed her)
I couldn’t leave her and listened to her and tried my best to advise. It became more regular to ask if she was ok.
I am not the type to confide in people so easily, - I have a husband who is great with his advice and he’s my rock. But yes, whenever she said anything I have got experience so advised. I talked to her about general problems but I have other friends, over twenty years kind of friends, who I speak to and also go out with and round my house or theirs.

She had real problems. Her ex was abusive. She has taken my advice and reported him now and stopped him from all sorts of stuff. Her mother was ill in hospital and new covid rules meant she couldn’t even visit so was distressing for her.

Problem is she’s NOT manipulative. This wasn’t a ploy.

The walk and the talk was great. My shoulder wasn’t visibly that bad. Most mornings I thought I’d love to be home after school drop off - come home and work from bed with a hot water bottle or something. It didn’t matter much to me that instead it was a coffee shop. I didn’t mind giving her that time. She would often insist as she had some serious issues her ex trying to kill her (I hate saying this all here. It doesn’t feel right but I’m trying to say how important it was for her, and how in that situation any woman would probably react to another woman in distress)

I honestly don’t feel like I used her. Or that she used me. I really thought we were friends. But I am really upset that (as petty and beige as my life and goals might be) I would have loved it if she had also respected my time and my dreams. Can it not work? We are entirely different it feels. Just this one thing. My mornings are sacred.
(Friendships are sacred too!)

She doesn’t work. But she does care for her father and she has a lot more time sometimes. Sometimes not as much when she’s running around organising for the dog or her parents, son.

But this gym schedule coming back has really upset her and now I find her too clingy. Too needy.

Our relationship was never balanced - but I didn’t mind. I do now.
So it may be me that is the problem.

Right. That's what Women's Aid is for. If you have anymore contact with her where she is asking for your support direct her there. Repeatedly. Its not doing her or anyone else you meet in a similar position in future any favours to take all that on yourself it doesn't help her, she needs people who aren't out of their depth, skilled people who maintain professional boundaries, for a living, that won't baby her, but will support her appropriately and kindly. They are amazing, she could have had a support worker and had a more reasonable friendship with you.

You can only sort the problem out, by speaking honestly to this friend, and make her aware of how you feel about the things that are somewhat hindering you at times., otherwise nothing will change. You can't be held responsible for another persons mind set.

I'm 50/50, the fact she was all right for you to spend mornings with because you couldn't go to the gym but now you can you've dumped her makes me this way.

OP hasn't dumped her, she's welcome to join her in the gym.

She often said it’s like having a therapist / big sister.
She enjoys having you as a free therapist and your gym routine is ruining it for her. Not your fault, she needs to stop being so clingy and needy and get a life and some interests on her own instead of trying to sabotage yours.

I realise you've probably gone now, OP, but in case you are still reading ...

Now you have revealed the seriousness of this woman's problems it puts a slightly different slant on this.

It seems very much as if you were her mental 'life saver' at that moment which to me means that the normal route to friendship was absent or at least out of kilter. Bit like when a person takes on a partner with very recent trust/abuse issues from their ex. It's not going to be plain sailing.

You, understandably, were seeing simple friendship as a backdrop to all this because your life/mental health is in balance. She, coming from a traumatic place, was experiencing it differently.

Two people coming together with such an imbalance will not easily click into a relationship which is comfortable/healthy for both of them. I think it would be more surprising if you had just slid into a normal pattern of friendship in this scenario!

As a pp said it might be time to craft a way of directing her to women's aid if you haven't already, and stepping back a little as far as the constant updating and giving advice goes.

This is bigger than her just being a bit needy and you wanting your gym time back.

Good luck

@Laiste

Thank you for that insightful reply.

To everyone saying I should have directed her towards Womens Aid.. I did many times ask her to speak to counsellors, GP, women’s aid.

That was from the onset. From the moment I met her and heard her problems. She said many times and I agreed too, she has PTSD, which I had NO qualification in dealing with and she needs serious real help, as much as she believes just talking to a friend is helping her. She needs to speak to someone professional.
The reason she did not want to - and it took her a long time to seek professional help, was because she thought the social services would take her child away. (I did not know if this was true or not but could not dismiss her anxiety)
I don’t have any experience with this, understood her fear and tried to ‘be there’ for her so that her child and her were both ‘safe’.

I did ask her to call the school and speak to them about her situation, she did. She took a lot of my advice. I tried to make sure that she was in a mentally safer situation while still guiding her constantly to seek some sort of help. Books. Podcasts. Family. Rebuilding her connections with friends and just planning things to do with our kids so she didn’t feel isolated and in that dark place. So often she said, consistently, that she felt her life had radically changed. (We walked a lot over the summer/autumn). She even celebrated her birthday she said for the first time ever, even if it was just us and another friend of hers having a breakfast at a cafe in town. I’m an amateur photographer so asked her to come along with me for long walks and nature photographs and honestly it was great. I usually walk alone and through fog etc by myself so enjoyed her company (though I enjoy it alone too)

This was all out of her comfort zone perhaps. She never did those things by herself though I walk regularly, and with my family at weekends. I absolutely LOVE doing stuff alone after kids have gone to school! And by alone I do mean, alone by myself.

The coffee shop scenario started happening when near Xmas (it became so subtle I didn’t notice) - she started being too dressed up to go for that walk. High boots with heels sometimes. So I’d wait with my gym bag and headphones there to chat to her. It was always dire and serious stuff. Or just she was waiting for a phone call - she can’t walk - because she has to be off soon … and she was smoking again too and just needed to sit and smoke then we’d be off. Except that ten minutes turned into an hour, or another coffee. Her mum was ill and it felt wrong to push her to walk and talk. My shoulder situation meant I couldn’t do a hardcore gym session anyway so I didn’t mind too much.

The thing is, it’s okay to have a coffee. In the beginning she jumped in with me and walked along with me, came swimming with me several times on Sundays with our kids, she went out of her way to do the active stuff. Parks with kids kind of thing.

I had no intention of dumping her. January I held off going back to the gym until her GP gave her some anti-depressant medication and has booked her to see a counsellor.

I was not trying to be ‘womens aid’. Or use her to fill in a gap. But in all my life I’ve never had time to sit around drinking coffee every morning unless it’s in the office with work colleagues before a meeting.

I just don’t see it as normal. Once in a while maybe! I don’t have those loyalty cards at coffee shops.

I did / do like her.
But friendship is about supporting each other? So where’s her support for me on my journey back into the gym?

It’s like a light came on for me and everything has changed. She has no idea how to support me or have a friendship that’s more about healthy interests?
I am there for an hour on Wednesday evenings with her (and maybe she doesn’t want to discuss personal issues in front of other football parents) and it’s not the same environment. I ask her each time if she’s okay and how’s it going but it’s a joyful and blasé reply because there are other parents there she’s laughing and talking with. And her digs at me or her ‘but you don’t need to go gym you look great!’ (I don’t go gym for looks! That’s a by product that I don’t mind but it’s not my priority)

So I think- we’ll she’s okay no serious issues that I need to put aside time to talk to her about?

But since few weeks ago when I went back to the gym - I felt angry several times when she could not understand- despite me explaining to her that this was my routine when we had met, and our entire 90% of the time! In the summer I went for a run after she left, round a field near my house. Or in the evenings.
Yep! I’m that mum at school gates dressed up to go gym/run lol so classy hahaha
Maybe it wasn’t a friendship as some of you have said. I wanted to be there for her in the long run (no pun intended) and felt I had a balancing effect on her life.

It’s awful. I know she has gone back to her ex also in the last two weeks - we’ve briefly chatted at the bus stop while she’s waiting for a bus.
I have empath fatigue or something but I need to motivate myself and it’s part of my getting into my zone for my own work each day. It’s actually necessary.

I feel like I signed off from this post yesterday. But I thought I’d answer some of the posters here. You’re all terrific! Just don’t try and make me give up the gym for coffee shop meet-ups! Xx

Sorry this is so long. Will be turned into a story soon

@PicnicBunny step away completely, she has placed her burden onto you instead of dealing with it herself, she has even gone back to him after all that so it will never end, what she is doing to you, it'll go on for years. Stay busy, stop being a rescuer, its dysfunctional behaviour too. If its that bad,her family life and you have genuine child safe guarding concerns report her to SS yourself. They do get involved if there are children living in an abusive environment, if you contact Women's Aid, there is an automatic referral because of child protection laws (I've been through this) once you disclose abuse and ask for help, but it is part of the support. They visit and asses you, take the info and write a formal record and it goes from there, depending on the situation. If they decide she is damaging children by staying and continuing to expose them to his abuse then they will tell her that, thats when it could have consequences, she would be monitored, but that is her responsibility. Or they might say she is doing everything she can and they have no concerns. Instead she let you receive all that as your load,making you take responsibility as a mother and doing the right thing. She has used you, you also need to look at your own boundaries around what is acceptable and safe emotionally and physically, to make sure this doesn't happen to you again. She made you complicit by including you, enabling her to remain by taking some of her stress away, she couldn't have managed without you? Well yes, but that shouldn't be. You hardly know her time wise, even now. You have done too much and it hasn't helped her, thats not ok. Avoiding going for professional support is her allowing child abuse to continue, don't facilitate that for another second.