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DS’s weight has ballooned since he started secondary school and I’m worried about him.

93 replies

Suchaquandry · 28/01/2022 14:59

DS is 12 next month and he started secondary school in September. He has always been slim although admittedly did gain some weight during the first lockdown because we rarely left the house (I was pregnant at the time and terrified). I did make him and DD’s do Joe Wicks, laps around the garden, trampolining and yoga YouTube videos but I noticed he’d never put as much effort in as his sister’s so I doubt he burnt as many calories.

Anyway, they returned to school and he lost weight fairly quickly. Partly because we almost always walked home from school (1.8 mile walk) and partly because he couldn’t snack during the day I guess! All fine until he started secondary in September. He no longer walks home because it’s 3 miles away so an hour’s walk and I don’t feel right asking him to do this when it’s cold and dark (he also won’t take a coat to school because there’s no lockers and he doesn’t want to lug it around). DH drops him in the morning and has started dropping him about 15 minutes away so he gets some exercise. He gets the bus home. He does PE twice a week but he doesn’t enjoy sports at all and I doubt he puts much effort in. We have started C25K together this week which he hates but I’ll persevere. He’s also started going to a junior gym session on a Sunday and I’m doing junior park run with him and DD’s to try encouraging him. We usually go on a family walk at the weekend too. That’s the exercise situation.

Diet wise I don’t buy crap snacks anymore at all so pretty much everything in the house is healthy. He does have an issue with portion control though. I serve dinner up so that’s not an issue but he wakes much earlier than anyone else so gets his own breakfast. We only have healthy options but he piles his bowl full until it’s almost spilling over the sides. He also literally spoons mounds of peanut butter onto his toast for example. I’ve told him it’s unacceptable and showed him how much he should be having but he rolled his eyes and thought I was getting on at him. We always have a healthy evening meal fwiw aside from the odd time we’ll have take out or pizza but that isn’t often at all.

My biggest concern with his diet is what he’s eating at school. I no longer have control over this, I used to choose his dinner on the app in primary school or I’d send him with a packed lunch but this isn’t an option now and he isn’t making great choices at all. He has pizza at least twice a week and a cheese or egg sandwich the rest of the week with cake and custard for dessert every single day. He also gets a snack every break time which is a Belgian waffle or toast. The toast may not sound so bad until you hear the fact he puts syrup on top! I’ve asked him to get healthier options because I refuse to believe they don’t have a healthy dessert option for example but he said they only have muesli and he’s not getting that because nobody does and everyone would think he was a weirdo Hmm.

He’s about a stone overweight and I’m worried about his fitness levels. He used to be very fit but now he’s puffing and panting with little exertion. He’s also in 14-15 years clothing, he is quite tall (5 ft 4) but this is a bit crazy, it really shows around his middle in particular. None of us have a weight problem so this is new to me and I’m just looking for some general advice really.

OP posts:
LefttoherownDevizes · 28/01/2022 16:21

^better

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2022 16:21

12 is a really common age for kids to get a bit chubby before a growth spurt. My son did and I was very concerned. I even had his thyroid tested twice because hypothyroidism runs in my family in males. My son is 25 now, 6'4" and very trim and fit.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 28/01/2022 16:23

You need to sneak in more exercise.
I’d drop him at least a mile away from school.
Do park fun as a family without fail, weekly.
Plan weekend hikes.
Tell him he needs to do a sport (any) weekly and pay for whatever he chooses (within reason).

If he falls into bad habits now, it’ll likely get worse.

Also, find out from the school what they are serving and ask them where the veggies are if there aren’t any.

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Whistleforthechoir · 28/01/2022 16:25

@Suchaquandry

I don't think 5'4'' is especially tall for a 12-year-old

Average height is 4’10” so I think it’s fairly tall. I hope it is just a growth spurt and he evens out, that would be great. I’m worried about his fitness and overall attitude to food though Sad

Tbh I think he's quite short too. My DS has just turned 13 and is 6'2! I'm aware he is crazily tall, but my point is that I think your DS will be due a growth spurt soon- he doesn't seem to have had it yet?

My DS eats healthily, does lots of sport, but when he was about 10 he started to look rather 'heavy'. Then when he was 11-12 he shot up to 6' , his voice deepened and his legs are as hairy as DHs now Shock. He's now very tall and very skinny, even though he doesn't stop eating.

I guess the trick is to see if there's a sport your DS may like? I know some people aaren't at tall nd that's fair enough; but my DS doesn't do the 'traditional ' sports, football etc, but is an ice hockey player, kayaks, SUPS, rock climbs.. anything with adrenaline basically. Maybe your DS would be interested in something like that that's gfunrather than seen as 'exercise '?

Cameleongirl · 28/01/2022 16:26

I agree with sport to be healthy, as opposed to slim at this age. Family member can have different builds as well-my DD (16) is athletic and on a school sports team, but has never been as slim as me. She’s made completely differently, bigger everywhere! She went through a chubbier stage around 12/13, but is tall and strong now. We’ve always emphasized exercise for fitness and enjoyment, not to lose weight and it’s works for her.

Suchaquandry · 28/01/2022 16:29

He doesn’t like or enjoy exercise at all so if I don’t force him to go out and go running with me, he honestly never would at all. He doesn’t enjoy it when we’re doing it and complains a lot but I think his fitness and overall health is super important so I’m still going to persevere with it and I try to make it fun when we’re doing it too.

He doesn’t like sport. We’ve tried a lot of different ones over the year and he’s tried a lot at school but he isn’t naturally good at sport and just doesn’t enjoy it. I think he has a bit of a lazy attitude atm tbh which is probably usual at his age, I’m not sure.

My DD’s are different to him and they still enjoy lots of forms of exercise. They regularly go out on the trampoline for example regardless of the weather and they love park run. He used to be like this but recently he just can’t be bothered.

I’m glad it’s usual at this age to gain weight though and I do hope he has a growth spurt and naturally balances out. I thought he was pretty tall for his age tbh, he towers over a lot of the other boys on photos I’ve seen.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 28/01/2022 16:30

It’s far too easy to buy dodgy food at secondary school. Add massive choc bars and sharing bags from corner shops and here we are.

It’s such a pain as primary school food tends to be pretty good or they take packed lunches and then catering at secondary seems to be so varied. And junk so avail outside even when school offers ok choices.

I just think they will figure it out in their late teens early 20s when they realise how it makes them feel. It’s not easy to watch tho.

Suchaquandry · 28/01/2022 16:34

@workwoes123

OT but I cannot believe the food that is being served at the schools mentioned here. Why do they do this? I'm in France, my 14 and 11 yr old are in school. There are zero snacks on offer at school- nothing other than lunch. Why are they providing opportunities for children to buy bacon sarnies and iced buns outside of meal times??? Of course 11 year olds are going to go for that. Lunch here is salad, a main course with meat and veg, a yoghurt / cheese, plus fruit or the occasional desert. Water to drink.

Aren't the parents up in arms about it?

I agree with you. He had healthier options at primary school so I was a little shocked by the options at secondary. I thought the whole school lunch system was overturned about 14 years ago by Jamie Oliver but it appears not!
OP posts:
trumpisagit · 28/01/2022 16:38

5' 4" is tall for an almost 12 y o.
I think it is going to be increasingly difficult to make him exercise though.
I am sure he would enjoy it more if he felt he was good at it, so that takes a bit of perseverance.
Rugby?
Martial arts?
Swimming (doesn't have to be competitive, but going regularly as a family)?
The gym?
Or getting him to do physical jobs in the garden for money?

RavenclawsRoar · 28/01/2022 16:43

I'm a secondary school teacher and can confirm schools continue to serve beige crap on a daily basis. I only buy from the school canteen when absolutely desperate because there are very few healthy options!

Also - I wouldn't panic yet. Boys in y7 and 8 tend to get a bit chubby then come back in y9 these tall, skinny bean poles! Yes that's a generalisation but it is a pattern I see time and time again. Continue encouraging good habits and see how he goes. I expect he will suddenly shoot up, losing his baby fat in the process.

Cameleongirl · 28/01/2022 16:44

I’m probably unrealistic about height as DS and his friends have grown so much over the past year or so, I can’t remember how tall he was at nearly 12, tbh. Now they all tower over me and I’m 5’5”. It’s an odd feeling to be the smallest person in the family.😂

workwoes123 · 28/01/2022 16:48

On topic.. i have a 14 year old who was skinny until he was 11, then gained weight, and now at 14 he has shot up, broadened out and lost the chubbiness. His 11 yr old brother has just done the same, got a bit chubby after being an absolute skinny-bones: the Dr advice is the same - just don't gain any more and it will even out over the next couple of years.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 28/01/2022 16:48

I agree with PP that it all sounds quite intense.

So he is going to the gym, doing C25k and parkrun. Plus doing some walking during the school run and going on a weekly family walk. He is not inactive, in fact he is probably more active than many teens and preteens who are rake thin.

I’ve told him it’s unacceptable and showed him how much he should be having
Gosh Shock This would have rubbed me up the wrong way. Using the word unacceptable implies a moral judgement on his appetite - IMHO that is a slippery slope. If he is hungry he will eat. If he knows you disapprove he will eat whilst feeling bad about it. Are there any other reasons he is eating - boredom, emotions, habit?

No doubt he knows that he has put on weight, that he is the only one if the family to have done so and that you feel he has a problem - do you know how he feels about it, and how does he feel about your attempts / approach?

Like you say it sounds like the issue is the quality, frequency and calorie content of the food in school. All you can do is encourage him to make healthy choices - and I mean things like avoiding processed food rather than choosing low fat options. I would personally avoid snacks, healthy or otherwise.

You say that everything in the house is "healthy" and you have "healthy" home cooked meals - can you elaborate?

ThatDreamSheep · 28/01/2022 16:48

Another major factor is in primary schools play time tends to be running around the playground but that is unbelievably uncool for secondary school so then tend to just sit around!

Suchaquandry · 28/01/2022 16:49

@trumpisagit he’s been doing rugby in PE over the past few weeks and I actually thought he’d enjoy it but he doesn’t, at all.
Tried martial arts, rock climbing, football, tennis, table tennis, basketball and netball over the years to no avail.
He likes swimming so we do that at least once a month as a family but I’m doubtful he’s doing much exercise because he swims a bit then likes splashing around.
He’s doing a junior gym session once a week and he doesn’t mind that because (and I quote) “it isn’t so bad because you sit down to do the exercise” Hmm.

OP posts:
Suchaquandry · 28/01/2022 16:51

@ThatDreamSheep

Another major factor is in primary schools play time tends to be running around the playground but that is unbelievably uncool for secondary school so then tend to just sit around!
This is a very good point, I didn’t consider that.
OP posts:
Suchaquandry · 28/01/2022 16:56

@MythicalBiologicalFennel

I agree with PP that it all sounds quite intense.

So he is going to the gym, doing C25k and parkrun. Plus doing some walking during the school run and going on a weekly family walk. He is not inactive, in fact he is probably more active than many teens and preteens who are rake thin.

I’ve told him it’s unacceptable and showed him how much he should be having
Gosh Shock This would have rubbed me up the wrong way. Using the word unacceptable implies a moral judgement on his appetite - IMHO that is a slippery slope. If he is hungry he will eat. If he knows you disapprove he will eat whilst feeling bad about it. Are there any other reasons he is eating - boredom, emotions, habit?

No doubt he knows that he has put on weight, that he is the only one if the family to have done so and that you feel he has a problem - do you know how he feels about it, and how does he feel about your attempts / approach?

Like you say it sounds like the issue is the quality, frequency and calorie content of the food in school. All you can do is encourage him to make healthy choices - and I mean things like avoiding processed food rather than choosing low fat options. I would personally avoid snacks, healthy or otherwise.

You say that everything in the house is "healthy" and you have "healthy" home cooked meals - can you elaborate?

I didn’t use the word unacceptable to his face. He was honestly SPOONING big mounds of peanut butter onto his toast with a table spoon… I said something along the lines of ‘come on DS, that’s far too much peanut butter, it’s practically half the jar!’ And I showed him how much people generally have. It’s the natural PB without sugar but it’s still obviously quite a high fat content and I don’t think spooning it onto your toast is usual!

Healthy meal examples: stir fry, jacket potato with tuna salad, quinoa salad, pesto pasta, jambalaya, chickpea curry, lentil ragu, vegetable casserole, veggie chilli… I could go on.

Snack wise I only really buy rice cakes, natural / Greek yoghurt, carrot sticks, cucumber, hummus, lots of fruit, babybels and nakd bars. We do have a crappy dessert once a week generally at the weekend.

OP posts:
Tanaqui · 28/01/2022 17:03

5'4 is tall for not yet 12. Are you and dh tall? If not, I would be more careful as that means a growth spurt is less likely. If you are both 6 foot, he is probably heading that way!

LefttoherownDevizes · 28/01/2022 17:03

Are you all veggie? Have you tried upping his protein, their need for it really does increase during puberty.

Fujimora · 28/01/2022 17:06

Can’t understand those on here who do not see this as a problem. Being overweight leads to a lifetime of health problems, and can impact adversely on relationships and self esteem. OP is absolutely right to try and nip this in the bud now. Minimising the impact of being fat is a particularly British/Irish/US phenomenon. Unsurprisingly obesity rates in all those places are soaring compared with continental Europe.

I would focus on healthy eating. More fruit, eggs, wholemeal bread, cut down on the peanut butter and make sure that sugary snacks at school are a rare exception. Is there a parents association at the school who could influence what is served at lunchtime and offered in vending machines?

WouldIBeATwat · 28/01/2022 17:06

@Newgirls

It’s far too easy to buy dodgy food at secondary school. Add massive choc bars and sharing bags from corner shops and here we are.

It’s such a pain as primary school food tends to be pretty good or they take packed lunches and then catering at secondary seems to be so varied. And junk so avail outside even when school offers ok choices.

I just think they will figure it out in their late teens early 20s when they realise how it makes them feel. It’s not easy to watch tho.

Primary food here is utter shit. Asked DD what she ate today and her reply was “I ate the pizza but left the mash”. I dread to think what will be on offer at secondary.
LefttoherownDevizes · 28/01/2022 17:08

@Fujimora

Can’t understand those on here who do not see this as a problem. Being overweight leads to a lifetime of health problems, and can impact adversely on relationships and self esteem. OP is absolutely right to try and nip this in the bud now. Minimising the impact of being fat is a particularly British/Irish/US phenomenon. Unsurprisingly obesity rates in all those places are soaring compared with continental Europe.

I would focus on healthy eating. More fruit, eggs, wholemeal bread, cut down on the peanut butter and make sure that sugary snacks at school are a rare exception. Is there a parents association at the school who could influence what is served at lunchtime and offered in vending machines?

Who is saying it is not? What we are saying is that being controlling and shaming is not going to let to the produce changes OP wants to see and could instead set her DS off on a path of disordered eating
JessicaJacket · 28/01/2022 17:08

I'd try adding more filling things in like protein, fibre etc, rather than trying to cut things out or banning him / monitoring his portions, calling your weekly dessert "crappy" because it isn't the last nutritious, "making him / forcing him to" do exercise... It's all very negative and you honestly do risk making him less healthy by doing that. Really overweight people often have an emotional response to food and you doing all the things you've said on here about controlling his food and fitness sounds like you are creating the perfect conditions for him to eat secretly, emotionally and shamefully.

CaraherEIL · 28/01/2022 17:08

I think the super healthy food at home might be oddly counter productive, because as soon as he is out of your sight he is buying all the junk food. I think once you develop restrictions at home then you push all the bad eating habits underground and you set yourself up as being the person he is keeping secrets from. Is he at all techy maybe look at My fitness pal apps, maybe a Fitbit maybe focus on him gaining knowledge about his number of steps exercise etc. He can find out his BMR and look at his nutrition requirements. My fitness pal also encourages entering carbs, proteins, fats etc and tells you which food groups you need more of etc. Then you don’t become the food monitor/ villain etc but it could empower inspire him in a way that is more appealingly adult and independent.

Marmite27 · 28/01/2022 17:12

My brother got really fat at this age. Then had a massive growth spurt, and practically grew a foot taller overnight.

I feel like a mean mum now as I make my 6 year old do the regular 5k parkrun. She’s chuffed to get her 10 award tomorrow.

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