Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Quite morbid - funeral attendance

27 replies

Mummytotwonow · 27/01/2022 20:37

Relative of mine went to a funeral yesterday and was telling me about it and that lots of people turned up friends and family.

This got me thinking after the phone call. When I die, if I outlive my parents and in-laws, there would only be 7 family members that would attend (3 being husband and two children) and others my brothers family.

I know some people die alone and don't have anyone, but I can't help but feel sad that I don't have any close friends, not one.

Lost touch with school friends (not through not making an effort), have never had any close work friends as they have always been a lot older than me and not into socialising etc and school mums again have made the effort but they already have established friendship groups and it's not the same.

Is 7 a low number or should I be grateful to have anyone??

OP posts:
Notmrsfitz · 27/01/2022 20:39

I don’t think I’d have even 7.
I was at a funeral
On Tuesday it was absolutely packed, so,so many people there to mourn the loss and celebrate the life of a really lovely person.

I wouldn’t have that kind of sadness if I passed away.

SnoozeAllDay · 27/01/2022 20:39

You’ll be dead so you won’t care

Fruitellaa · 27/01/2022 20:41

You won’t be there so I wouldn’t worry about it! Flowers

But if it’s waking you up to your feelings about your current situation then that’ another matter. Depends what you want out of life… small number of close people makes some people happy. So it’s about what you feel and want really, not anyone else’s opinion.

Notmrsfitz · 27/01/2022 20:41

Snoozeallday - is it wrong to say I think I love you? 😂

Cherryblossomtree99 · 27/01/2022 20:43

Unfortunately iME everyone crawls out of the woodwork for a funeral. So someone who you used to live three doors down from ten years ago will probably turn up in the hope of a free buffet at the wake.

Ricekrispiebun · 27/01/2022 20:44

I can relate and feel the same way. I lost a dear friend a few years back, he was an amazing guy who was always there for people, but 10 people turned up at his funeral, for a while I thought it was a low number and he deserved to have so many more people acknowledge him, but then I got to thinking that those 10 people really loved him (including me) and we all remembered him and celebrated his life and all he brought to us, the number might not have been very high, but if only 1 person had been there, that 1 person would still have shown they cared. I really think it's quality not quantity that matters and the people that really love you will be there when the time comes @Mummytotwonow I'm sorry I can't be more help, but I do understand

dudsville · 27/01/2022 20:45

This is something I needed to come to terms with. My life is full right now with so many lovely friends and family, but I've made a series of decisions that means if I live to be 80 (family tends to live to early 90s but I don't want to get my hopes up!) I will die alone with most of my network having died before me. I will at that age hopefully still have friends, but I know a lot of elderly people and I know that they struggle to maintain these relationships. I've therefore tried to plan for the way I'll want to live in that final decade so that I no longer dread it.

user1471453601 · 27/01/2022 20:55

I really wouldn't worry. I hate parties, as does my only child. So there will be a minimal service, if that. I've asked that my body be donated to the nearest teaching hospital, but there are so many caveats. Depends what you did from, if it's a weekend of bank holiday, if they already have too many at the university.

And numbers don't really mean much. I went to my cousins funeral, I despised him. I went because one of his brothers, who was estranged from him was going, so my sister wanted to go to support the living cousin, and I went because I knew dead cousins Mum would not kick off if I was there and upset sis and cousin, who I was fond of.

My daughter went, because she wanted to support me and make sure that if the Mum kicked off id have support.

So there we were, six of us. And only two had anything but contempt for him.

If sooner no one was at my funeral

gamerchick · 27/01/2022 20:58

I'm not having one and neither is husband. Direct cremation is the way to go.

Crunchymum · 27/01/2022 21:01

We had my mum's cremation under covid restrictions.

There were 9 of us. Its exactly as she would have wanted and I share her sentiment. Large, OTT funerals aren't for me (as they weren't for her)

Blankspace4 · 27/01/2022 21:04

It is morbid but it’s also something I’ve thought about. Particularly as I’ve been unable to have children.

Ricekrispiebun · 27/01/2022 21:08

@gamerchick I'm having a direct cremation too

LikeALeadBalloon · 27/01/2022 21:10

If it's not too inconvenient then I usually try to attend funerals of people I know, if its just a neighbour or someone I said hello to or whatever, as I think it must be comforting for their loved ones (not for free food I wouldn't hang around for the wake). I know I'm not alone so you would probably get more than you think OP - I would focus on the present though to be honest

gamerchick · 27/01/2022 21:12

[quote Ricekrispiebun]@gamerchick I'm having a direct cremation too[/quote]
Much better and cheaper. People can still have a memorial piss up if they want. If they don't then meh, I'm dead. What's not to like?

MerryMarigold · 27/01/2022 21:12

I don't think you'll care when you're dead. The funeral is for the living, not the dead. You could think of it as causing less sadness in the world. But if it bothers you right now then 💐 and [hug] for you.

erinaceus · 27/01/2022 21:14

I'm not sure if this is any sort of consolation at all if this is on your mind, but I once went to a funeral where I was one of four attendees and it was one of those experiences where you could really feel the love in the room.

I've been to a bigger funeral which was the opposite -- the two children held two separate wakes(!)

I guess I'm trying to say that number of attendees isn't really the deciding factor.

topcat2014 · 27/01/2022 21:16

Lady at work died some years ago, mid fifties.

Never mind filling a church, she filled an Abbey!

Don't think I'll manage that.

Ricekrispiebun · 27/01/2022 21:16

@erinaceus I totally agree, it's quality more than quantity and those 4 people may mean more than a room full of people who may not even have really known the person

unicornsarereal72 · 27/01/2022 21:17

As soon as I turn 50 I'm paying into a direct cremation. I don't want people crying over me. 2 urns 50/50 ashes for the kids. They can do what they like then. Throw me in the sea. Have a party whatever they want. Although currently my daughter wants my eyes in a jar so she can put my glasses on it and I will always be able to see her. Cute but creepy.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/01/2022 21:17

I hate funerals, I have decided to have just a simple cremation with no service and my son will scatter my ashes in my favourite place along with my cats ashes.

Deadringer · 27/01/2022 21:23

I was at a big funeral last week, lots of people there who barely knew the deceased (a rather unpleasant woman) who were there out of 'respect' while two of her 4 children (and their children) didn't attend as they were no contact with her. I would prefer a small gathering of people who actually care about me over a big do.

applecrumbleforteaagain · 27/01/2022 21:27

My dad died at 77 and we had 13, according to the crematorium that's a good number.

I've been to one that was packed out with people of the door, but that was my friend who died at 21 years old.

So I really do think it's so varied, and the younger the more people.

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 27/01/2022 21:31

I don't have a big group of family or friends. I think they'd also be about 7, or less, at my funeral. As such I have told my family they must do whatever they are comfortable with but my suggestion is no funeral just a pub lunch or something like that if they want to get together.

I have no reason to feel sad about it as I'll be gone. And I don't want my family left behind to give any thought to the funeral turnout.

Original poster
Mummytotwonow · 27/01/2022 21:35

Thank you all for your comments and it's really helped reading them. Feeling a bit low and lonely at the moment so think it just hit a nerve. Need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be grateful for what I have x

OP posts:
caringcarer · 27/01/2022 21:40

My dM died 8 years ago and she had lived in same small town most of her life. She had 77 people at her funeral. She had 5 dd's and many grown up dgc, but neighbours, friends from WI, friends from church where she looked after children whilst parents in service, friends she had most of her life and a couple of friends she used to work with. I know I will have no where near as many at my funeral. Maybe 40 at most if none of my older sisters or dnephew and dnieces die before me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread