Parents too involved in their children’s lives?

[Earbogeys]

Some of the posts on MN (and yes I am aware it’s not necessarily representative of real life) by parents talk about their children’s’ lives in such anxious, involved detail. I’m sure they have their reasons.

Not tiny children, where obviously this is entirely appropriate, but secondary school age, and sometimes older!

I’m quite prepared to be told that I just had a weird upbringing, but my parents didn’t know the ins and outs of every friendship, drama, argument, feeling or even get involved in my homework, exams or extracurriculars. I’m closer with my mum by a long way and she certainly knew who my friends were etc. or if there was a significant issue, but I can’t in a million years imagine her posting on a forum agonising about, for example, my social circle or (!) my university workload. I still did well at school and got a 2:1 in a science degree. I think the space to increasingly have your own life at the teen stage is healthy, and certainly beyond this age.

I’m not here to bash concerned parents, but I wonder if anyone else thinks similarly, even if from time to time? Again, I think my own parents could have been a bit more involved, and this post is probably driven a lot by my own feelings about it all. Also have to acknowledge that times change but still this surprise lingers when I read these posts.

I also suspect that the smug replies on this thread are from parents of DC who don't need more support.

I think the disagreement is more over what level of problem requires ‘support’.

If you told my parents I needed ‘support’ because of a friendship spat they would be utterly baffled. They’d just assume I’d get over it… which I would. My parents left a lot to be desired but they have made me incredibly resilient & mature because I’ve had to solve all my own issues from a young age. There doesn’t seem to be shades of grey in teenage issues on MN, any negative scenario whatsoever seems to require copious ‘support’ from parents, completely disproportionate to what has actually happened.

Bakewelltart987: Parents absolutely should be involved in secondary school childs live the amount of knife crime going on nowadays. Maybe if more parents could be arsed to check what there teens were up to then the stabbings and shotings would reduce. Its not like the 80s early 90s anymore untill the child finishes school then yes they need a parent not a friend.

Liveforsummer: Tbf you are talking about your area and others you know only. Never heard of a single incidence of this in our city.

That is quite a smug and sneery comment. Really, not a single incidence of knife crime in your city? Sounds like utopia, really not at all like most of nasty London and the bigger cities where, you know, lots of people like Bakewell and I live.

I still hear 30+ year olds calling their parents ‘home’ and buggering off there at every opportunity
I hope my children will always call our house home. Their bedrooms will always be there for them however old they get!

@Cheekypeach

I also suspect that the smug replies on this thread are from parents of DC who don't need more support.

I think the disagreement is more over what level of problem requires ‘support’.

If you told my parents I needed ‘support’ because of a friendship spat they would be utterly baffled. They’d just assume I’d get over it… which I would. My parents left a lot to be desired but they have made me incredibly resilient & mature because I’ve had to solve all my own issues from a young age. There doesn’t seem to be shades of grey in teenage issues on MN, any negative scenario whatsoever seems to require copious ‘support’ from parents, completely disproportionate to what has actually happened.

I am glad are incredibly resilient & mature because your parents did not give you copious amounts of 'support'. How lucky and smart you and your parents are.

There doesn’t seem to be shades of grey in teenage issues on MN, any negative scenario whatsoever seems to require copious ‘support’ from parents, completely disproportionate to what has actually happened.

This is a hyperbolic and judgy comment. There are shades of grey. People on mn take different approaches. You for one. So what you are going on about?

I think it's about personality more than cosseted and over-managed youth. My parents were fairly laissez-faire, and I assumed most were all like that until I met my future husband and discovered there were parents who thought their views should influence the way their adult DC lived their lives. It still astonishes me now when they try it with their grandchildren (who ignore them, just as their father did, and wait for the tantrums to subside).

@AlwaysLatte

I still hear 30+ year olds calling their parents ‘home’ and buggering off there at every opportunity I hope my children will always call our house home. Their bedrooms will always be there for them however old they get!

I called my parents house 'home' until they moved then they new place was no longer home. By that point I'd lived independently all over the uk and was then living abroad

Liveforsummer: Tbf you are talking about your area and others you know only. Never heard of a single incidence of this in our city

Of course there is knife crime, I'm not 'sneering' it's just not something reported ever among school aged dc

How lucky and smart you and your parents are.

Not at all, I’m NC with my mum & see my dad once a year - he’s an alcoholic who lives abroad. So I don’t consider myself very lucky in that respect. But, every cloud - and my silver lining is that it’s made me stronger.

Cheekypeach sorry to hear you are NC with your parents. I suppose what does not kill you makes you stronger.

That is not my parenting style and I suspect not yours either. Parents who care do for their dcs what their dcs need. For very over-invested parent is a child who maybe likes and welcomes it or does not but needs you. Who are you or I to judge whether that is proportionate or disproportionate. Actually, I haven't seen a disproportionate approach yet.

I email dd's teacher directly, but that is because she hides her grades from dh and I and from herself. She has issues but we are tackling it. We cannot tackle it if dd does not tell us and we cannot find out without asking her teachers. Teachers think dh and I are crazy involved, probably. But as a parent, I don't answer to the teachers or other parents who judge but to my heart and wanting the best for dd.

Ds can fend for himself and we leave him alone.

I email dd's teacher directly, but that is because she hides her grades from dh and I and from herself.

How old is she?

I think being heavily invested is expected now, although I suspect this might be a class thing, especially wrt education. My eldest was told to run his personal statement past his parents by the school, and we had to 'sign off' the final copy. My ds 20 tried to buy crypto online (just a few hundred £) and he got a phone call from the bank as they suspected the company. They said he had to discuss it with his mum first before they would permit the transaction

I have learned so much from the higher education boards, I went to a RG uni and didn't even know it at the time. I don't think the parents that are making spreadsheets about universities with rankings and entry requirements (not forgetting submitting SARs to unis to ascertain stats) are typical of parents today, but I do wish my parents were more actively involved in my education. I remember my dad constantly asking me how I was getting on at woodwork, when I did 3 science A levels.

Student finance must think I'm a neurotic, overbearing mother because I've spent a lot of time on the phone to them. There was an issue with ds' loan which meant his loan was significantly delayed. I was climbing the walls because I was going to have to cover his full rent until the loan came in, but ds wasn't very bothered . I definitely gave guidance to ds wrt what degree he was doing as I'm heavily funding it!

Agree op. And usually the parents who moan about intrusive MILs etc. I always think that when their kids grow up get in a relationship and grandchildren appear how they will cope backing off and not being involved.

To a certain extent it’s going to depend on the child, isn’t it?

I had one who was a completely open book, so I always knew what was going on.
The other was much more private.

Schools seem to have a high expectation of parental involvement. I was at primary in the 90s and don't remember getting homework that your parents had to facilitate or being handed over to parents at the end of the day. You just left and were expected to either go to your parent or walk home.

Playing out wasn't a thing at least not until teenagers and while there's good and bad in that I bet the playing out kids developed a lot of soft skills and problem solving without an adult to manage them. My parents seemed to expect me to still develop these skills and seemed shocked when I didn't. Maybe it's more accepted that kids are going to need more hand holding without this growing up experience.

What’s the point of this post OP? Are you a journalist trying to scrape together a story? If not, why are you so interested in judging parents when you have no idea of what’s going on in their or their children’s lives?

@Shogoff

What’s the point of this post OP? Are you a journalist trying to scrape together a story? If not, why are you so interested in judging parents when you have no idea of what’s going on in their or their children’s lives?

Oh please. This is a public forum and the question is not outrageous or offensive. Just don’t answer if you don’t like it. Don’t make accusing OPs of being journalists a way of shutting down questions you don’t like.

@Shogoff

What’s the point of this post OP?

To wonder whether other people (irrespective of if they are parents) sometimes feel surprise at examples of the level of involvement from parents in today’s world. I will add that I am personally more interested in parents’ take on it, but anyone can have a viewpoint!

Are you a journalist trying to scrape together a story?

No, I work in healthcare. Even so, if I was trying to “scrape together” a story, I’d be able to write a much better post than the one I have, which I have purposefully written to be sensitive whilst expressing curiosity, but certainly could be written to generate more replies and controversy. Incidentally, if you object to journalists using anonymous public forums, how do you propose this would work? Surely the fact that it is public means that we each have to take responsibility for what we write, in the knowledge that it can be accessed by anyone? It’s hardly exploiting people by misleading them that this is some sort of safe space or something. I’ve seen a few of these “are you a journo” accusations, and I don’t know what they are trying to achieve. Perhaps you could elaborate?

If not, why are you so interested in judging parents when you have no idea of what’s going on in their or their children’s lives?

I don’t pretend to know, therefore I cannot judge. I am merely curious at the seeming shift in the direction of parents being more involved, and it’s been very interesting and illuminating to read the replies. I consider myself less ignorant than before reading the replies, which is what I hoped for (as well as finding out if other people share my feeling on this). I didn’t say anything more “judgemental” than it’s healthy for teenagers to increasingly have their own lives. I stand by this. But I am more informed about some of the potential reasons behind the culture change since I was growing up. I am acutely interested in this as I am planning to have my own children in the near future.

Fair enough OP.

@foggygreyday

Agree op. And usually the parents who moan about intrusive MILs etc. I always think that when their kids grow up get in a relationship and grandchildren appear how they will cope backing off and not being involved.

MIL was so laid back people at the time expressed concerns - she was still very intrusive with GC assuming she'd have say in oddest things.

I have at times felt school have undermined us trying to get the kids to be more independent - but I've also had other parents critise but then my kids needed the extra support much more with acedemic work only really steping in with friendships when felt they were bullying or harmful - supporting them having boundaries.

It is hard to know when to back off - older they are more you do that. Part of reaons we did enocurage collge was as it would help DD1 with being more independent.

DS is asking for support - his school is on downhill slope - then he kicks off then he's greatful often thanking me after exams - it mainly exam and revision technquies.

It finding the right balanced for that child with aim that eventually they will be able to do everything themselves.

Also depends on situation - here it's a little easier to step back post 16 educationally - we have AS levels bad year - resitting/changing subjects is easier - at GCSE it's harder as it much harder to take range of subjects again - plus they take so many here and rush through taking many early - DD1 sat two before she'd turned 15 and DS will only be 15 when he completes two with no option to re-take if they are fucked up at the school - as they are so young it's not surprising they need more suppport.

A parent's place is in the wrong.

OP, that is why these threads gets heckles up or have people questioning your motives. Lots of posters asked if you are a parent yourself, because as a parent, you are always trying to find the right balance for your children and then you get criticised no matter what you do or don't.

So, whilst you are genuinely pondering these issues, you do have to walk a mile to really understand.

Well said @blueshoes. It's easy to bring up other people's children when you don't have any yourself.

I think it's also all well and good to say you'll take a different approach but there aren't many who'd want to be the only one not helicoptering if that's what all your child's peers parents are doing.

I agree OP, I read lots of things on here where people seem a bit too involved in the lives of their older children - eg threads asking if people would 'let' their 17 year old go to X place for the day or involving themselves in fallouts between their child and friends by texting the other parent etc.

I guess it's hard to strike a happy medium. My parents weren't very involved in my day-to-day life once I hit my teen years - they never would have known if I had homework for instance, and certainly never know about anything I was doing at university - and I would have preferred a bit more from them, but equally I think there does come a point when it's too much and you need to let go a bit.

Of course all kids are different and need different levels of input, but people also do need to be independent and this involves trust and freedom from their parents.

I had thoroughly disinterested parenting as a child - I was determined not to do the same . Both of my children turn to me for advice sometimes over work or friendships .. I’m happy to try and help - I can’t always but a least I can lesson . If I see significant bad choices being made I’ll say something - but you really can’t control teenagers not mine anyway

@blueshoes said I am glad are incredibly resilient & mature because your parents did not give you copious amounts of 'support'. How lucky and smart you and your parents are

How do you think she got that way? That’s the point - the snowplough approach to parenting (ie clearing the problems out of the way for the child) doesn’t always do them any favours.