Parents too involved in their children’s lives?

[Earbogeys]

Some of the posts on MN (and yes I am aware it’s not necessarily representative of real life) by parents talk about their children’s’ lives in such anxious, involved detail. I’m sure they have their reasons.

Not tiny children, where obviously this is entirely appropriate, but secondary school age, and sometimes older!

I’m quite prepared to be told that I just had a weird upbringing, but my parents didn’t know the ins and outs of every friendship, drama, argument, feeling or even get involved in my homework, exams or extracurriculars. I’m closer with my mum by a long way and she certainly knew who my friends were etc. or if there was a significant issue, but I can’t in a million years imagine her posting on a forum agonising about, for example, my social circle or (!) my university workload. I still did well at school and got a 2:1 in a science degree. I think the space to increasingly have your own life at the teen stage is healthy, and certainly beyond this age.

I’m not here to bash concerned parents, but I wonder if anyone else thinks similarly, even if from time to time? Again, I think my own parents could have been a bit more involved, and this post is probably driven a lot by my own feelings about it all. Also have to acknowledge that times change but still this surprise lingers when I read these posts.

[UnicornsReal]

It starts in school with teachers spoon feeding and parents helping with coursework.
We live in a culture where no one thinks for themselves anymore. Our government tells us to do things. We do them . Then find out we were being conned all the time. This is our social set up.
Social media tells young people what it’s acceptable to think and do. Essays are written with the aid of the internet or plagiarised from various sources. Woke culture and poor education have a lot to answer for.

[madisonbridges]

I'm always intrigued about play dates. I read a thread the other day and it was posters telling someone that it was their responsiblity for organising play dates and making sure their children had friends and a social life. It just seems like another pressure to put on mothers, another thing for them to beat themselves up over. I remember someone posted that that they couldn't make it to a end of year activity/ sports do or something. She asked if it would matter. The number of people who said this was the most important social event of the calendar and her child would be crushed, socially disadvantaged and feel bereft if she didn't go. It's absolutely bonkers.

I made my own friends and my children made their own friends. Neither myself nor my mother were hitting the phones to ring round other parents to make play dates. When did this even become a thing?

[doodleygirl]

I agree with you OP the infantilising of today’s young adults is baffling. My own theory is the parents need to feel needed and just can’t let go. I find it quite sad.

[LightDrizzle]

I agree. I’ve wandered into Oxbridge threads once or twice out of curiousity because I went myself and I just can’t imagine my cohort’s parents being so invested in every detail. My parents weren’t uninterested and they were proud I went there but they were involved in the nitty gritty. I attended interviews via train and did my own research etc.

[StevieNicksscarf]

@Glowtastic - so glad to read your post. I have lurked on the secondary education boards and felt v out of place.

My yr 11 DD is also a grafter and also likely to achieve 5s, 6s and possibly a 7 if she's lucky. On here you'd think that she was failing at life.

Looked briefly at the Yr11 support thread and couldn't believe that some parents have made planners or spreadsheets with their DCs exams and revision timetables. As far as I am concerned my DD is well able to do this herself. She's the one who tells me when dates, deadlines etc are and she is in complete control of her homework and revision (as I was back in the dark ages of O Levels).

I guess many of the more involved parents would say that if me and her dad took more control then she may achieve higher grades? She comes to us for help and advice when she needs it but we have encouraged her to take responsibility for her academic life as we feel this is more valuable than just getting higher marks because your parents did much of the donkey work. I guess time will tell as to whether our approach has worked !!

We want to send her out into the world with confidence in her own abilities and though she is not an outwardly confident person, I think that her underlying faith in herself is strong. To us, academic achievement is a small part of having a happy and fulfilling life.

[ShadowPuppets]

I honestly do believe it depends on the child. I decided which sixth form to go to, wrote my UCAS and Oxford application forms, and I honestly don’t think once I finished my postgrad (which I mostly paid for myself between 21 and 23 and did part time while working) I’ve ever asked my money. They’ve very kindly given me gifts when I got married and bought my first house, but I’ve never really asked for them to ‘do’ anything for me since I was about 16. They know about my life and care about me deeply (well they love me obviously, I’m their PFB even if I am in my 30s ) but I know they think of me in their heads with a tick box marked ‘sorted’. I’ve worked since I was 17, and am now married off, have my own kids, own house, financially solvent etc.

My sister on the other hand has had a lot of emotional, physical and financial support from my parents throughout her 20s, she’s moved home a few times when relationships haven’t worked out or she’s taken career breaks and moved back to save cash, they’ve helped with job applications, they know a lot more about her.

I could get resentful that she gets more support, I guess, but at the end of the day I think it’s just a plain old personality thing. I remember when she turned 16 and I was trying to encourage her to get a job so she’d have her own cash, and her response was ‘but if I keep curfew/don’t break the house rules, I get my allowance, why would I want to work?’. My take was that if you had your own cash she could break curfew and all the rules and they wouldn’t have anything to hold over her I thought work was a trade off to have some independence, she felt sacrificing her independence was worth it for a more gentle life. Both raised by the same people in the same way, I’m convinced personality is so much more mature than nurture….

[ShadowPuppets]

*my parents for money

[truthfullylying]

We are all more emotionally aware these days I think, but there have always been a range of approaches.

I am pretty close to my kids, I do not interfere but definitely know a lot and suggest things. We are family!

[Toomuchnow]

I agree

I can’t believe the Oxbridge threads on here. Talk about over invested parents. They’re obsessed!

My folks barely knew what I was studying at uni and trusted me to get on with it. I learnt how to motivate myself and become resilient. I’m pretty close to my parents but they still don’t really know what I do for a job.

It’s definitely not healthy being overly invested in your children’s lives. I don’t get very involved with my primary age children’s education. They just get on with it and I see it as the teachers job/ their responsibility to do their own learning. I facilitate their learning (with space/ resources & time if they request it), we talk a lot, but other than that their fate is in their own hands.

Our school focuses on developing healthy habits for learning and encourages independence etc. I think that matters as these are the skills employers look for. They’re not employing their parents!

[Toomuchnow]

I’m a professional in management (but WC background)

[Cheekypeach]

@truthfullylying

We are all more emotionally aware these days I think, but there have always been a range of approaches.

I am pretty close to my kids, I do not interfere but definitely know a lot and suggest things. We are family!

I think we’ve gone past emotionally aware and are now too introspective, which has damaged kids resilience and independence.

I know a 16 year old who’s mum drives them to a park 5 minutes walk away to meet friends because ‘it’s dangerous to walk anywhere alone’. Broad daylight we’re talking in a very middle class town.

[truthfullylying]

@Cheekypeach That doesn't have anything to do with being emotionally aware IMO, that is fear/worry.

[user1471453601]

I'm not convinced it's generational.

For example, I was having a conversation with sister and my daughter, just pretty normal family stuff. Sister said she still does her son's ironing because his wife (also works full time) wont.

I said I had no idea who did the washing and ironing between daughter and her partner, despite the fact all three of us live in the same house.

So I think it's more about style of parenting. Since daughter hit 14/15 I've intervened in her life when she's asked me to do so. I've offered advise when asked, but certainly haven't followed up to ask if she followed my advise.

My view was that it was my job to guide, not to drag her along. She's her own person, and I'm mine. I value her opinion, as I know she does mine. But at the end of the day, we are both adults and should be treated as such.

[TangoWhiskyAlphaTango]

@Toomuchnow

I agree

I can’t believe the Oxbridge threads on here. Talk about over invested parents. They’re obsessed!

My folks barely knew what I was studying at uni and trusted me to get on with it. I learnt how to motivate myself and become resilient. I’m pretty close to my parents but they still don’t really know what I do for a job.

It’s definitely not healthy being overly invested in your children’s lives. I don’t get very involved with my primary age children’s education. They just get on with it and I see it as the teachers job/ their responsibility to do their own learning. I facilitate their learning (with space/ resources & time if they request it), we talk a lot, but other than that their fate is in their own hands.

Our school focuses on developing healthy habits for learning and encourages independence etc. I think that matters as these are the skills employers look for. They’re not employing their parents!

Ah thought I might find a dig at the Oxbridge thread when I saw the title. I started this years Oxbridge thread as my DD was applying this year. Am I over invested or do I just really care about he education of my DC? I would say the latter. I make no apologies for being invested in the outcome of her education, she grafts hard and finds it tough, she talks to me about her troubles. Do you have teenagers?

I find it quite sad your parents barely knew what you were studying at Uni and that is certainly not something I would like my DD to be writing about me in years to come but each to their own.

[AnneWeber]

@user1471453601

I'm not convinced it's generational.

For example, I was having a conversation with sister and my daughter, just pretty normal family stuff. Sister said she still does her son's ironing because his wife (also works full time) wont.

I said I had no idea who did the washing and ironing between daughter and her partner, despite the fact all three of us live in the same house.

So I think it's more about style of parenting. Since daughter hit 14/15 I've intervened in her life when she's asked me to do so. I've offered advise when asked, but certainly haven't followed up to ask if she followed my advise.

My view was that it was my job to guide, not to drag her along. She's her own person, and I'm mine. I value her opinion, as I know she does mine. But at the end of the day, we are both adults and should be treated as such.

Has your nephew got no arms?

[Dailywalk]

I’m early 40s. I wasn’t particularly close to my parents growing up and I think I got myself into a lot of risky situations because I couldn’t be open with them. Maybe because of this I’d like to parent my own kids a bit differently and be more aware of what they’re up to and who they’re with.

[liveforsummer]

Dd1 is in secondary school and tells me EVERYTHING. I'm not that interested tbf but attempt to pretend to be. I suppose it's better than her not sharing anything

[Bakewelltart987]

Parents absolutely should be involved in secondary school childs live the amount of knife crime going on nowadays. Maybe if more parents could be arsed to check what there teens were up to then the stabbings and shotings would reduce. Its not like the 80s early 90s anymore untill the child finishes school then yes they need a parent not a friend.

[liveforsummer]

@Bakewelltart987

Parents absolutely should be involved in secondary school childs live the amount of knife crime going on nowadays. Maybe if more parents could be arsed to check what there teens were up to then the stabbings and shotings would reduce. Its not like the 80s early 90s anymore untill the child finishes school then yes they need a parent not a friend.

Tbf you are talking about your area and others you know only. Never heard of a single incidence of this in our city.

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

I have no idea where DS 14 goes with his friends after school or at the weekend, but he had 2 stomach bugs and anxiety which have resulted in his pretty much stopping eating. I think I need to be involved at this point. There are other personal things which he's told me because, in his words, he knew I'd be OK with it. I hope he always feels that way.

[littleowls83]

I think the university involvement at open days is easy to understand - uni used to be free, even grant funded with benefits in the holidays, now its easy for a student to end up starting adult life £50k in debt. I think you can get a much better broader experience now as a paying customer, but its a huge choice to be making at 17.

[Wavypurple]

I 100% agree and weirdly was going to post about this myself.

‘DS is really struggling with maths, he’s 16 should I call the school???’ it’s so foreign to me, my parents would never ever ever have considered doing that. Or the discussion boards about Cambridge/oxford acceptance, as if it’s their own personal agony or accomplishment.

They mostly sound like really loving parents but it gets to a point that I do think blimey how will the DC survive in the wild if mum and dad are constantly back seat driving.

[Wavypurple]

Sorry just seen others have posted about Oxbridge threads, skipped to last page to post

[RampantIvy]

@blueshoes

OP, do you have dcs of your own who are teenagers or older and if so, do you have more than one dc?

You know, dcs are different and need different levels of support and parents are different and some like to get more involved than others. You are on a parenting board, that should give you a clue.

I think the main issue is that on a forum like this no-one is going to post saying that their children are independent, well balanced, mature, self-motivated etc etc because they aren’t looking for advice and support. Posters tend to post because they want advice. You only have to read some of the horrific relationship threads to think that most people are married to abusive partners, but in real life this isn’t the case.

@HarrietSchulenberg I had to take DD to university open days as Northern Rail were on strike every Saturday from the end of August until Christmas the year she was looking. I also had to take her to work because there were no trains. Being rural the buses didn’t go to where she needed to be.

I’m probably on the same Facebook page as you @BigSandyBalls2015, and I agree with you. I have had posts deleted when I have gently suggested that perhaps their DC should learn to cook before leaving home (instead of relying on mum to make up batches of frozen meals for them).

I also suspect that the smug replies on this thread are from parents of DC who don't need more support. As @blueshoes has pointed out all young people are different and some need more support than others, and some parents post asking for advice on forums like mumsnet.

[Earbogeys]

Really interesting to read all these replies.

The things that have stuck out as being very pertinent are:

• how it’s not optional to be very involved, due to how schools communicate with parents via online/instant platforms
  

• the point about university now costing significant sums of money and therefore the stakes are higher
  

• a couple of mentions about Oxbridge threads, of which I have no personal opinion as I have not read them. I suspect I might even feel quite jealous at the level of interest and care from the parents!
  

• a lot of replies seem to “get” what I mean, and have linked it to real life people not just the skewed MN sample.