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You tell her that I said she needs to stop singing
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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 19:49

I posted a thread yesterday about my DD who has been very poorly the last couple of days. Not eating or drinking, very high temp, lethargic etc and I said it wasn't covid as she had a negative test but it turns out it is. I have also got it, came on very suddenly last night and I have been so poorly, I haven't felt this bad in a very long time. It was so bad that my DP couldn't go into work as I need help with my DD (she is Autistic). DD seemed to have perked up today and likes to have a sing, she always has done and it's a type of self regulation when she's feeling anxious. My DP rang his work and all his boss did was act suspicious like he didn't believe that I was ill, even though I've had two positive tests and have all the typical symptoms ( the company he works for is big btw so nothing to do with lack of staff). He could hear my DD singing in the background and he said to DP "you tell her that I said she needs to stop singing now" in a very aggressive, angry way.

Sorry for the long post but didn't want to drip feed. Would you go to HR for something like that? Also, sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I'm not feeling well at all.

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PrincessNikla · 25/01/2022 19:50

I wouldnt

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MichelleScarn · 25/01/2022 19:59

What did he say in response?

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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 20:02

@MichelleScarn

What did he say in response?

He didn't actually tell me until a little while ago. He said he was shocked and didn't know what to say.
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NoSquirrels · 25/01/2022 20:05

Isn’t that just an ‘ignore it’ thing?

I mean, your DP presumably didn’t tell your DD to stop singing so no issue arose from it. I don’t think HR would help.

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NoSquirrels · 25/01/2022 20:05

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 20:10

@NoSquirrels

Isn’t that just an ‘ignore it’ thing?

I mean, your DP presumably didn’t tell your DD to stop singing so no issue arose from it. I don’t think HR would help.

I think of my DD was neurotypical I wouldn't think so much of it but she is Autistic and has learning difficulties and attends a specialist school etc. It's something that she can't help. Even if he did tell her to stop she wouldn't understand, his boss is aware of this btw. I just find it really insensitive and nasty.
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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 20:11

@NoSquirrels

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Thank you
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NoSquirrels · 25/01/2022 20:12

You’re quite right he’s insensitive and nasty! But I don’t think it’s something HR would act on.

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HailAdrian · 25/01/2022 20:15

Why does it matter to him if she's singing?

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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 20:17

@NoSquirrels

You’re quite right he’s insensitive and nasty! But I don’t think it’s something HR would act on.

I think I'm just upset about it and thats clouding my judgment (that and I'm not feeling well). I guess going to HR is an over reaction.
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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 20:17

@HailAdrian

Why does it matter to him if she's singing?

Exactly. He was annoyed by it.
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iklboo · 25/01/2022 20:18

you tell her that I said she needs to stop singing now"

Did he now? And why did he think your DD should answer to him? I'm presuming he's not employed her a child labour? Boss or not, he would have had a terse reply from me. Just because she felt ok to sing to herself doesn't mean she doesn't need a parent looking after her. If you're too unwell, then it's your DH. Boss should know that.

Hope you're feeling better soon. And that Boss gets infected piles AND threadworms at the same time.

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cheekychaplin · 25/01/2022 20:20

HR? No. DH and I would discuss how much of a prick he was and move on.

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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 25/01/2022 20:20

@iklboo

you tell her that I said she needs to stop singing now"

Did he now? And why did he think your DD should answer to him? I'm presuming he's not employed her a child labour? Boss or not, he would have had a terse reply from me. Just because she felt ok to sing to herself doesn't mean she doesn't need a parent looking after her. If you're too unwell, then it's your DH. Boss should know that.

Hope you're feeling better soon. And that Boss gets infected piles AND threadworms at the same time.

Glad it's not just me who thinks he's a complete arse.
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Sundancerintherain · 25/01/2022 20:29

I also think he is a nasty arse.
May he sht hedgehogs indefinitely.

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ChaToilLeam · 25/01/2022 23:14

He’s your DP’s boss, not your DD’s. So he doesn’t get to tell her anything. What a pompous arse of a man.

Hope you’re feeling better soon.

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Fozzleyplum · 25/01/2022 23:33

I wouldn't go to HR. Your DP's boss is clearly a complete arse and and no doubt many of us who are brave behind our keyboards or have had to put up with this sort of crap for too long in our careers, would have have said something along the lines of, "Hang on a minute, what did you just say? Do you realise that my daughter is autistic and that is her way of coping?"
However, your DP didn't, and the moment has now passed. I would however be vigilant to check that the boss is not unfairly seeing him as as someone who takes time off when that is not warranted. He now knows your DD is disabled and he could be indirectly discriminatory.

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Comefromaway · 25/01/2022 23:43

So your Do took dependents leave/was working from home and his boss demanded he tell his disabled Dd with learning difficulties to stop singing.

I’d be fuming and I’d be very tempted to put a complaint in about him.

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betwixtlives · 26/01/2022 00:24

Go to HR?! Of course not Confused

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Bohemianwannabe · 26/01/2022 00:37

Er yes go to hr and Complain what right has he to tell you to shut up your happy daughter I think a word is needed arsehole

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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 26/01/2022 03:55

@betwixtlives

Go to HR?! Of course not Confused

So you wouldn't be upset if someone told your severely disabled child to basically shut up? Confused
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snowdropsandcrocuses · 26/01/2022 04:11

Both my children are NT and they both used to sing constantly to the point teachers and friends of ours would comment regularly about it.

I would ignore it or make a joke of it. Something like 'you're kidding me aren't you? DD sings all the time. I swear she even sings in her sleep! I wish I could have some of her joy!'

I certainly wouldn't be going to make a complaint. What do you think it will achieve?

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WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 26/01/2022 04:21

I certainly wouldn't be going to make a complaint. What do you think it will achieve?

I said up thread that being unwell and upset has clouded my judgment a bit and that won't be happening. I do feel like he is completely in the wrong to say something like that though, especially in such a aggressive way. Your children are NT, mine isn't and its a way on self regulation that she can not help.

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CircleofWillis · 26/01/2022 04:23

Incredible inappropriate comment. Is it possible that the boss thought it was you singing and therefore not really sick?

(Clutching at straws here).

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StruggleStreet · 26/01/2022 04:25

Maybe, but he would need to be clear about what he wants HR to actually do about it.

Is it just an informal chat so they can be aware of the boss’ behaviour? I think it’s helpful for HR to know the reality of what certain managers are like with their staff. HR often have good relationships with the most senior managers and have some influence over promotion decisions, etc, so it could be useful for them to be aware of what this guy is like so his boss can be made aware if necessary. Although they probably already know.

Is he planning on raising a formal complaint? They will ask this so he’ll need to be clear. He’s within his rights to do so but he needs to understand that he’ll be setting in motion a process that could really damage his relationship with his boss, and is unlikely to result in any action against the boss, unless there is a clear pattern of behaviour. I guess he needs to think about how much he wants to stick his neck out here. Is the guy a bully with a pattern of abusive behaviour towards staff, or just a bit of an arse who made a rude comment? If the latter, then I would probably wouldn’t do anything formal.

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