Mother's comments about my home, how to shut them down?

[Lucia23]

I moved into my first home last year - I'm 29. Ever since my mother things she can tell me how to run the place.

Every time she visits she makes comments about things. On most recent visit:

• wouldn't this look better in X room instead?
• why have you moved X over here?
• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'
• occasional commentary on things I should clean better
• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I'm sick of her making any comments on my home. I feel infantilised and not like I'm being treated like an adult. It makes me not want to invite her to stay.

No other relatives or friends speak to me like this. Any advice for how to shut down these comments?

• wouldn't this look better in X room instead?

No.

• why have you moved X over here?

Because I wanted to

• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'

That's fine. It's not yours and I'm not bothered if it stains.

• occasional commentary on things I should clean better

I'm happy but if you want to clean, feel free.

• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I don't want/need X, thank you.

My mum is like this, when I moved house I gave my kids the bigger room and me the smaller one and I’ve never heard the end of it! She constantly moans about things in my house, my solution.... stop her visiting.

Could you just explain to her as you have here? It might be uncomfortable but it would do the job. I think mothers often struggle to realise that this sort of thing is not their job any more- I bet I will too.

My mum is like this. I just humour her. She used to say for years that she hated the shape of my Christmas tree and I just kept saying we liked it. She still said it every year though 😂.

She moaned once that my dishcloths needed bleaching so I said go on then crack on. So she did 😂

I’m not sure she’ll ever stop. I’m 45 and my Mum still does this.

I think she means it in a helpful way but it gets grating.

‘Have the boys got enough clean uniform?’
‘Have you polished their shoes?’
‘Their nails need cutting’
‘You need to sort these cupboards out’

I just ignore her. Quite often she gets on with a pile of ironing or cleans my oven. She has higher standards than me. I think it’s also hard for them
to stop thinking of you as the child and them as the mother.

She would be so offended if you did the same to her.
Try it and let us know how she reacted.

My dad used to be similar. I said ‘do you realise you always make negative comments about my house when you’re here? Please stop’.

He stopped.

My late MIL was a bit like this.
The first thing she would do after giving a hug and saying hello, was to check if there was any washing up to be done. Even if there was 1 cup or a plate she would start washing that before sitting down for a chat, or doing something with the kids.

I would always clean the house before they came but she'd bring an apron and rubber gloves and start (in her words) "pottering" aka tidying/rearranging things , filling up a box of stuff she wasn't sure what to do with (why move it then?) asking if I had thought about having a cleaner. Everyone else thought it was great that she came and cleaned and tidied, up but to me, I always felt that whatever I did wasn't a good enough standard. I felt really demoralised. It wasn't as if we lived in filth and squalor.

Stop inviting her round.
Start doing it in her house to her.
Tell her no one asked for her opinion.

When you figure it out, can you let me know?

My dad has form for this. One time he knocked the clock off my wall by accident, and declared 'I'm afraid this is a menace and needs replacing'. He refused to believe it was his fault and was quite surprised I didn't immediately agree, shove it in the bin, and buy something more to his taste. He'll also tell me quite bluntly that things are 'wrong'. ('This is the wrong colour in this room, Sarah.') He's colour blind.

Yep my mum does this too! Drives me nuts...
I think she doesn't even realise - she probably thinks she's being helpful and pointing things out...

My plan for next time is to say something like "I don't constantly criticise your house, so please stop doing it to mine"

My Gran is like this, I tolerate it because she is absolutely lovely in every other way. She has major anxiety about anything being a cm out of place or a speck of dust on, whereas I couldn’t give a shit

'Ah could we just leave it this week Mum - I think I counted 18 criticisms of my house and how to run it last time you visited and I'm not reaaally up for that at the moment, I'm knackered! Two options - give me a month to prepare myself for the onslaught OR accept that you're visiting the home of another adult and zip the lip? Which one suits?'

I think this is pretty normal, isn't it? My mum doesn't do it to me, but I can remember her mother doing to her. Which probably explains why she doesn't do it to me!

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I think this is pretty normal, isn't it? My mum doesn't do it to me, but I can remember her mother doing to her. Which probably explains why she doesn't do it to me!

You say that, but my granny used to really annoy my mum by doing it, and she seems totally oblivious to the fact she does it to me! I've picked her up on it occasionally, but it's no good.

I suspect I should start preparing DD for it now, as clearly it's genetic and I'll go the same way.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I think this is pretty normal, isn't it? My mum doesn't do it to me, but I can remember her mother doing to her. Which probably explains why she doesn't do it to me!

At least your mum has broken the pattern!

I recently reminded her that she hated HER mum being critical of her house. Her response? 'oh I shouldn't have done that, I should've just been grateful...'. it drove her mad.

My mum's cousin once came over from abroad. She was staying with other relatives about 30 minutes from me and wanted to see as many relatives as possible so I said everyone should come to mine for an outdoor lunch gathering. My mum arrived about 3 days before (from 250 miles away - I keep her a safe distance!) and started cleaning everything in sight. When I finally asked her to stop she hissed 'it's embarrassing". My house is not especially tidy, and I don't spend my life polishing, but it was perfectly clean. I said very calmly, no mum, it's not embarrassing because it is MY house and therefore no reflection on you, and anyway M is here to see everybody and not to inspect the house. I was furious but I left it at that and she backed off. I have come to accept that she is an anxious person and still hasn't fully recognised that I am not her, but it's all her problem and not mine. Be clear with your mum that you don't want or need any advice unless you ask for it.

My mum was like this. "Feel free to clean it if it bothers you" was always my response She did clean the oven and bathroom a couple of times. Now she tends to keep quiet, except for ironing. She has a bee in her bonnet about me not ironing everything.

Every time she comments, stop what you're doing, look her straight in the face and say "really Mum?" She might not realise how frequently she nitpicks, so by reacting every time she does, perhaps she'll become more aware. Failing that, "oh give it a fucking rest, will you?"

Oh, look, some people are too unimaginative to grasp that other people prefer things to look or be arranged differently in their living space, and don't have enough of a filter to stop themselves saying so.

My mother, for instance, is absolutely horrified that her WC daughter has bought a big, wrecked house in a crumbling but traditionally 'prestigious' area, and that my neighbours are architects and surgeons -- she's embarrassed by it, and according to my sisters (who think it's hilarious), tells other people that I live in a less prestigious neighbouring area so it doesn't look like she's 'showing off' or 'getting above herself'.

She continually shows me the property supplement of the local paper, and points out houses she thinks are more 'my level', which are basically houses she would have liked to live in, in areas she would like to live in, but which wouldn't suit me at all

And I have never seen her so horrified as when she came over one day while we were having the house repainted after it had been rewired and hence replastered, and saw that I'd changed my mind about the colour of the hall and landing, and got the painters to redo it. She nearly blew a gasket.

My mum wants me to knock down the wall between my dining room and kitchen, which will involve moving a radiator (which I’d lose - there is nowhere else for it) and some other plumbing. And resulting fuck knows how much decorating.

The reason? So I can fit in ONE extra kitchen cupboard. She mentions it every time she comes over.

I ignored her call today. I do not have the energy for it.

She has narcissistic tendencies and sees me (and therefore my house) as an extension of her.

My mum does this and I’m 35. I either ignore and don’t respond or as others have said: ‘feel free to....’. I find it really irritating and rude but I do think in a weird way she thinks the persistent criticism is helpful... a few times I have snapped and told her she is being rude. Cue sulking from her for a few weeks.

Just stop inviting her round!

My mum does this and (without asking) takes it upon herself to do things slime scrub chairs, clean out the fridge, wipe out kitchen cupboards etc. If I encouraged it in any way, she would do a full spring clean. So beware of saying something like ‘crack on’ as advised unthread unless you really don’t mind her cracking on!

Slime = like

No slime here!!