Mother's comments about my home, how to shut them down?

[Lucia23]

I moved into my first home last year - I'm 29. Ever since my mother things she can tell me how to run the place.

Every time she visits she makes comments about things. On most recent visit:

• wouldn't this look better in X room instead?
• why have you moved X over here?
• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'
• occasional commentary on things I should clean better
• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I'm sick of her making any comments on my home. I feel infantilised and not like I'm being treated like an adult. It makes me not want to invite her to stay.

No other relatives or friends speak to me like this. Any advice for how to shut down these comments?

Many of you will have seen this before on other threads:
Print, frame and hang in a conspicuous place, then point at it as soon as the comments start.

We just finished a 6 month kitchen renovation, costing £25k plus and weeks of my husbands personal time and graft. My mums first and most repeated comment: 'But where are the tea towel holders?' 'When will you be getting tea towel holders?'. After a few vague responses i finally said 'never mum, because they look ugly and we don't care'. She hasn't said anything about the tea towel holders since, but soon she will be onto some other failing! I don't take it to heart though! (It doesn't stop - I'm 40!)

@Dotty808 are you someone who makes those sort of comments? You aren't uptight if you don't like being told what to do and what you are doing wrong in your own house.

It can be relentless when someone comes to stay, and from the minute they walk through the door the criticisms start.

No I wouldn’t dream of it. I just think she probably doesn’t mean it as you’re taking it. I don’t think it’s worth getting upset over.

But if you haven't asked for guidance on how to clean your house, why is it acceptable for someone to tell you how to do it, and therefore implying your house is untidy/dirty.

I had a relative who would come in and criticise the flowers I had bought to make the house look nice, say she hated a clock I had inherited from my parents, tell me I needed to clean my windows, tidy up the garden etc etc. She probably didn't mean to sound horrible, thought she was being helpful in some way, but when it is 24/7 it gets to you, and is unnecessary. If you can't say something nice about someone's home don't say anything at all. And certainly don't move/remove things because you don't like them

I’ve had many arguments with my mum about this, and she still hasn’t learn to button it. Funny thing is her house is dirty. Yet if you say it, she starts screaming “there’s nothing wrong with my house”. Nowt wrong with mine either.

Say something to her about it and see if you get anywhere.

I only invited my Dad to my house a couple of times. He kept commenting on how things could be better in this or that way. I just decided not to get riled up by it by not having him here. Simple.

@MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat

God my mil does this and it drives me mad. My house is relatively clean considering I have 2 kids under 5 and am heavily pregnant with mobility issues. She acts as if I am living in squalor if there’s so much as a mug waiting to be washed up. She’s told me she will show me how to clean properly, told me not to put the cats bowl on the kitchen counter (only put it there for 2 seconds while I opened a pouch!) and picked all the stamens out of some lilies as apparently they’d fall out and stain my table. I know she is trying to ‘help’ but it’s infantilising and annoying. I can’t imagine it would go down well if someone did it to her in her house. I just reply back every single time she questions something with that’s how I want to do it, no I will clean it later, I don’t feel like it now, that’s my choice etc. Yet she carries on

This is completely off topic, but are you aware that lilies are highly toxic to cats and can be fatal for them? Just thought I should mention it because not everyone is aware.

My mum is similar. She runs a flooring company and because all her young customers have grey sterile new build homes, she can’t get her head around why I don’t want to decorate my Edwardian period property in grey with grey laminate and grey carpets and a white or grey gloss kitchen and grey everything.

I am not a grey person, she didn’t raise me to be a grey person with a grey b&m house. I don’t know why she can’t see this.

My mother used to say "I don't know how you put up with/live with (insert thing she disliked)" or "Ooh I couldn't bear THAT"

Made the mistake of trying it on my brother once who replied "lucky you don't live here then" and "well you can go home whenever you like". She was so shocked ("well you don't have to be RUDE Rupert!") but it shut her up so we all started saying it and it certainly stopped the worst of the judgey comments.

Some people just have no filter.

My Mum had form for this. I could guarantee that within 5 mins of her arriving she would have criticised something e.g. her cup of tea, the music on the radio, the outfit I was wearing. Anything, really.

And she never had a good thing to say about DH, despite him only ever being polite and cordial toward her.

I've since realised that she had definite narcissist tendencies (as did her own mother) and that she struggled to see me as an independent, educated, adult woman. Her constant nitpicking was her way of trying to reduce me and make her feel in control.

So sad, really.

[quote TroysMammy]@MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat to be fair lily pollen is poisonous to cats.[/quote]
I was just about to say the same thing. My cat was poised by lily pollen and temporarily lost the use of his back legs. It was pretty scary. I didn't know at the time how poisonous lilies are for cats.

@IncompleteSenten

- wouldn't this look better in X room instead? No.

• why have you moved X over here?

Because I wanted to

• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'

That's fine. It's not yours and I'm not bothered if it stains.

• occasional commentary on things I should clean better

I'm happy but if you want to clean, feel free.

• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I don't want/need X, thank you.

"answering back your mother " IS infantile. Exactly the interaction OP wants to shut down.

Next time DM is coming to the house, before she arrives, send a text that says " When you come on Friday, please no more tips on how to run my home. I know you mean well but it makes me feel I'm being treated like a child and that spoils our time together. Lots of love, Lucia."

My mum would have been biting her tongue the whole time but we knew each other well - I know what would have bothered her in my house (pretty much everything!) and she knew I didn’t take criticism well.

I think you have to make it clear it’s unwanted and annoying - hope it works!

"Don't you think you've raised me well enough to be able to run my own home?"

"Mum, if you're going to criticize every time you're over, you won't be welcome any more."

I don't consider it immature or 'answering back.' You're adults. Peers. I sincerely doubt she'd be welcome to make such comments at a friend's house, there's zero reason you should tolerate it in yours.

I will never understand how being family means they can treat you worse than others.

Mine does this too, over the years I've just learned to ignore the comments (not easy!) And complain to DH about it later! I limit the opportunities she has to visit as I don't want to listen to it and if I was to actually challenge her on it it would be a major fall out, all my fault of course, which just isn't worth it.

Oh, I had similar on the one and only time my mother entered by lovely new house.

'You haven't got enough furniture. You can see the walls'.

'You need to get some proper curtains on wires so they rest on the windowsills, not those shutter things'

'You want to get a cupboard in front of that gap by the sink, then you can pull it out of the way when you need something in that cupboard and put buckets and a bin behind. What do you want a dishwasher for? [random neighbour] has a dishwasher and she's so lazy I laughed because every time she wants something clean, she has to open it up and get things out instead of taking them off the drainer and windowsill'

'You don't need two bathrooms. Put a wardrobe in front of the shower and some wood over the toilet and you can put a bookcase on top'.

'You have to get some bookcases along that landing and behind the bedroom door in front of that radiator, the doorway's big enough for you to get through sideways'.

'Ugh. Flooring. Don't you know that you can buy some pieces of nice patterned carpet that won't show the dirt? You'll be hoovering and mopping all the time if you have a dirty floor'

'Ugh. Green. Why would you paint it green? It looks like you're in an Edwardian library with that horrible old furniture and that rough carpet on the stairs like a doormat. You can buy wood colour stuff in Argos, you know'.

'I hate open plan, if there's a fire, you'll burn to death. What you want is to put big curtains up to fill that gap'

'That settee's too low and horrible. You want a three piece suite in velour, then you can have a nice pink or orange floral one and it'll be really comfortable. You can get some pouffes to match as well, it'll be easy to walk around them to sit down'.

'That kettle's awful. You can get them in different colours'

'I don't like it. It's bare and smells of cleaning stuff. And you made me walk miles out of my way to get here from the second bus stop by a pedestrian crossing and with a level surface rather than saving 3 foot three and a half inches according to Google maps by running across the main road and leaping up a high kerb by a bus stop'

I booked her a cab home and she never came back.

I once read that an obsession with cleaning was indicative of both a lack of intelligence and a lack of imagination. Since then MIL’s shitty PA remarks about dust on the skirting boards seem to roll right off!

When it comes to the other stuff, OP, all you ever need is two phrases, “because it’s my house” and “because that’s how I like it”. Don’t allow her to push your buttons; treat her as you would a toddler on the verge of a tantrum - distract, don’t engage. Firm answer with no further explanation, breezily change the subject and move on.

Wow @NeverDropYourMooncup

Replying assertively and calmly to your mother's unwanted comments is infantile? 😂😂😂😂😂
How ridiculous

I actually feel relieved reading this to realise it's not just my mum. She only lives 10 minutes away but I never invite her round for this reason. She is just so critical.

The last time she was here she started cleaning the shower and brought round a lightshade as mine was "too blue".

@garlictwist

I actually feel relieved reading this to realise it's not just my mum. She only lives 10 minutes away but I never invite her round for this reason. She is just so critical.

The last time she was here she started cleaning the shower and brought round a lightshade as mine was "too blue".

I think we have the same mum. Separated at birth?

Honestly, all these comments have actually made me feel better! I had this idea that everyone else's mum's are reasonable and treating then like equal adults but clearly not.

Im either going to ignore, or give a really bland reply on repeat.

Also her parents tended to show love by offering lots of practical help with things. Tbh I think she relied on them too much verging on codependent. I feel like she is trying to recreate that scenario but I'm more independent and need my freedom.