Mother's comments about my home, how to shut them down?

[Lucia23]

I moved into my first home last year - I'm 29. Ever since my mother things she can tell me how to run the place.

Every time she visits she makes comments about things. On most recent visit:

• wouldn't this look better in X room instead?
• why have you moved X over here?
• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'
• occasional commentary on things I should clean better
• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I'm sick of her making any comments on my home. I feel infantilised and not like I'm being treated like an adult. It makes me not want to invite her to stay.

No other relatives or friends speak to me like this. Any advice for how to shut down these comments?

God my mil does this and it drives me mad. My house is relatively clean considering I have 2 kids under 5 and am heavily pregnant with mobility issues. She acts as if I am living in squalor if there’s so much as a mug waiting to be washed up. She’s told me she will show me how to clean properly, told me not to put the cats bowl on the kitchen counter (only put it there for 2 seconds while I opened a pouch!) and picked all the stamens out of some lilies as apparently they’d fall out and stain my table. I know she is trying to ‘help’ but it’s infantilising and annoying. I can’t imagine it would go down well if someone did it to her in her house. I just reply back every single time she questions something with that’s how I want to do it, no I will clean it later, I don’t feel like it now, that’s my choice etc. Yet she carries on

My mam is the same. When I call her out on it she tells me that she was just being helpful. I just reply helpful is if I ask, not just because you feel like giving your bloody opinion. It drives me insane.

It is usually to do with my garden being overgrown and needs cutting back (in her opinion) but there are loads of birds living there that I feed every day and enjoy watching but she just cant let it go.

In the past, I would have asked her opinion on various things and it has put me off asking because it wont stop with what I asked about.

Mine makes passive aggressive comments to my kids:

"I bet you don't even know where the hoover is in your house".
"I'm always greeted by a mountain of ironing when I walk in your back door" (utility room).
"your mum never stands and does the ironing like I do"
"Do you even know where anything is?"

She stood in the entrance of my 17yo's door the other day and called them over to berate them about the unmade bed and about 10 items of clothing on the floor. I got there before my child and firmly closed the door saying "there we go - nothing more to see here" and told her it's their space and they can live in it as they wish. The day before, the bed had been changed, the floor swept and steam mopped and surfaces cleaned but that wasn't good enough for mum. Then she wonders why this particular grandchild is reluctant to spend time with her when she invades their personal space.

Sounds like my mum but she would do some housework when she came over so I put up with it.

@Lucia23

I moved into my first home last year - I'm 29. Ever since my mother things she can tell me how to run the place.

Every time she visits she makes comments about things. On most recent visit:

• wouldn't this look better in X room instead?
• why have you moved X over here?
• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'
• occasional commentary on things I should clean better
• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I'm sick of her making any comments on my home. I feel infantilised and not like I'm being treated like an adult. It makes me not want to invite her to stay.

No other relatives or friends speak to me like this. Any advice for how to shut down these comments?

Here are your stock responses @Lucia23

wouldn't this look better in X room instead?
Well actually no mum because I want it in here/over there/wherever it is currently placed)

• why have you moved X over here?

Because that is where I want it to be. It's my home after all

• the second I dropped chilli on place mat 'pick that up or it'll stain'

Fair enough if it stains the place mat, after all it's my place mat. They're wipe clean versions/They can be replaced when I tire of them/I'll drop chilli on the others so that they match

• occasional commentary on things I should clean better

Best not to comment on my cleaning skills, or lack thereof mum. It'll start showing you up in non-flattering light after a while. I'm allowed to make mistakes in my own home

• you should get this, that and the next thing!!

I'm trying to only buy what I need, not what you think I need here mum. There is an awful lot of plastic waste in the world and I'd rather not add to it if that's ok?

You could always come out with the ultimate comment:
"Mum, has anyone ever told you that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all?? How is that going for you???" or maybe "People in glass houses shouldn't throw the first stone. Please stop commenting on my home and what I do in it or to it. Otherwise I will be left with no option but to return the compliment when I visit yours next".

Mum, if I need to be told this at the age of 29 then I think you've failed as a parent.

First strike: "it's my home and your comments are not welcome"
Second strike: "please shut up"
Third strike: bring her coat and bag and show her the door

Rude people don't deserve politeness. I find a direct approach works best. Don't argue. Don't justify. Your house, your rules.

@MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat to be fair lily pollen is poisonous to cats.

Lucia23, I feel your pain. Am still smarting from MIL trying to move me away from MY kitchen sink one day during the Christmas holiday so she could do the washing up, which I had already started on. When I politely declined and said I was quite happy doing it (it wasn't Xmas day, there were only a few dishes), she took umbrage and told me in an exasperated tone, "Oh, you are so bossy!" . This wasn't the first instance of MIL trying to help/take over and I snapped back "It's my house, I get to be bossy in my own house. You get to be bossy in yours!"
She got the message and backed off. I still shake with annoyance at the memory of it and still shake my head at the irony of being called bossy when SHE was trying to take over!!

My MIL had to learn the hard way by not being invited for a while. Things have improved, but I am sure she is silently criticising. She does sometimes say something out loud that is rude but DH will pick her up on it

I had this when I first bought my own house - DM would come over a lot and comment on what I'd done to each room and make suggestions. Not about clearing up mind you as her house isn't a show home...

I humoured her the first few times and then said "I don't say anything like this about your house do I when I come over?!" Mother: "err no but...?!" then "But I'm just making suggestions". Me: "I do know interior designers you know mother, so I can ask them for advice if I need it" head tilt

She shut up after that but then brought over loads of stuff (cushions etc) for the house!

Meet her somewhere away from your house and tell her that it’s because she’s obviously so uncomfortable there given all the comments she keeps making.

What was hilarious was that one time she did come round the day after a dinner party. I was hung over, forgot she said she'd pop round and there was the table cloth with a huge red wine stain over it...

Mum: "oh that's a nasty stain, didn't you treat it when it happened?" Me: "It was from last night and I didn't have anything handy". Mum: "well as it's set now you can try to soak it in Biotex but it may stain..." me: "well it's only a table cloth so I can replace it if it doesn't come out!"

My head was banging at this point, it was all I could do to make some tea and bring out biscuits, have a chat and then I suddenly remembered 'oh bugger I need to get to the shops before they close'... I didn't really but ran up there anyway!

For me it would depend on whether she has normal boundaries and is just adjusting to the fact that you are an autonomous adult, or whether she treats everyone the same way,

If it’s the former, then it’s probably best to start with a very straightforward, matter of fact conversation. Point out that you’re an adult, that it’s your house and it’s inappropriate to treat you like a child now. And be prepared to repeat it a few times until she gets the hang of it.

My mil is the latter type who would tell the pope how to improve the Vatican given the chance. I can’t be wasting emotional energy on taking offence or worrying about her manners. It is what it is.

'It's my house, nothing to do with you. More tea?'

My DM will clean and tidy. She's not doing it to be awful, she loves cleaning strange woman and she does it as an expression of her love. She also cooks fabulous food and pops it in the freezer.

I have had to have "words" a couple of times when she has overstepped I.e apologising to visitors that the house wasn't in a show home state.... but l generally just let her crack on!

Although l did nearly loose it when she stayed for Christmas week as I'd put stuff done send she'd move it. .... the bread was moved three times in and out of the utility room... until l screamed leave the bloody bread alone 🤣

*stuff down and

When my mother does things like this I say

"Remember how I'm a grown up now?"

It works as she realises she's treating me like a child, but it's not overly confrontational.

Good luck

She won't know she is doing it. Just tell her!

@Tullig Oh God, we could have the same mum. Mine is horrified I chose to live in a fixer upper Victorian flat in a spendy city center. She will not stop banging on about how I should buy a nice new-build 3-bed house in the suburbs exactly like her. Doesn't approve of this whole being "different" lark at all and she definitely thinks I have ideas above my station.

She also keeps telling me to paint the living room peach...like her living room. When I painted my last flat in F&B Down Pipe she almost had a heart attack and her entire visit was basically a monologue of how I needed to repaint the living room and then move immediately.

Anyway OP, just ignore it or keep repeating "it's my house and I like it like this".

My mum used to do this but more extreme. Properly ranting one day because the skirting board was dusty. Dh threw her out and told her she wasn’t welcome in the house anymore. She never came back. Was bliss.

My mother used to do this. I think the thing that finally got through to her was me asking if she would walk into her friends' houses and start criticising and making comments the way she did to mine. She said, rather shocked, "But you're my daughter!" I asked her why did that mean I was not entitled to the basic politeness she'd show her friends... I said they wouldn't put up with such rude comments and nor would I.

I know she thought I was being unreasonable but it did improve things. Things were always stilted between us and I am sure she told other people she had to tread on eggshells around me, but tbh I'd prefer that to constant criticism.

[quote allfurcoatnoknickers]**@Tullig* Oh God, we could have the same mum. Mine is horrified I chose to live in a fixer upper Victorian flat in a spendy city center. She will not stop banging on about how I should buy a nice new-build 3-bed house in the suburbs exactly* like her. Doesn't approve of this whole being "different" lark at all and she definitely thinks I have ideas above my station.

She also keeps telling me to paint the living room peach...like her living room. When I painted my last flat in F&B Down Pipe she almost had a heart attack and her entire visit was basically a monologue of how I needed to repaint the living room and then move immediately.

Anyway OP, just ignore it or keep repeating "it's my house and I like it like this".[/quote]
I don't think you're either of my sisters, @allfurcoatnoknickers, but we have remarkably similar mothers. Does yours think you have notions? 'It's far from Farrow and Ball Downpipe you were reared!' (Plus of course, it's 'morbid and gloomy' and 'What's wrong with magnolia?')

Meanwhile DH's mother is always telling him sorrowfully about someone he went to school with who Bought the Showhouse on That New Estate -- because there is no finer achievement, and we have failed at life.

Just humour her. its not worth falling out over. you sound a bit uptight tbh

“Mum, shhhhhhush. I don’t want to hear it.”