I’m really lonely but I can’t be arsed to make friends

[Sloughsabigplace]

Ugh, what is wrong with me?

First off, I’m not great at “being” friends. I was bullied from when I first started infants (I was the wrong colour for the place I lived), and right though school for various other reasons even when we moved to a big city. So I missed out on learning ‘how’ to have friends as a child and more importantly, as a teenager. After I left school, I always made sure I took jobs where I mainly worked on my own, or as a short term temp so I was only ever at one place a week at a time, so never had work friends when I was young. So that’s not on my side.

I am 42 now.

I am friendly. I seem to attract people, I’m funny, warm, kind (and really modest). I’ve had three children since my early 20s, when ever I’ve gone to baby groups, people want to speak to me. I talk back, meet up. I twice made groups of friends when my older two were little, really nice people, met up without children, nights out etc, but two
really long distance moves meant they fizzled out. And they weren’t close close friends. No one I could really speak to, it was just superficial really -
I never learned how to get past that stage of friendships and I just can’t seem to do it - but I had lots of fun.

I find friendships really stressful now in the fact that I just can’t be bothered to do it all over again. But I’m so lonely. I again moved two years ago across the country, my third big move.

My youngest is 17 months, I do the playgroup thing again and a couple of other parents have started speaking to me. They are really nice, but I just don’t want to take it any further.

One asked yesterday if I wanted to meet for coffee one weekend, 5 years ago i would have immediately suggested a date, yesterday I just said “mmmmmm” and smiled.

I miss having a stupid laugh with people. But when it comes down to it, I don’t want the hassle of making friends again.

Anyone else feel the same?

Totally feel you. Same age too and had a strict upbringing and wasn't allowed round friends or have friends round very much so feel I missed out on how to do the friends stuff. I do have friends in the sense I could ask them to get some shopping of we're isolating and go out for a coffee. But I'm not good at driving things.

You don't sound lonely if you 'can't be arsed'
If someone asked me out for coffee I'd love it

@purpleme12

You don't sound lonely if you 'can't be arsed' If someone asked me out for coffee I'd love it

But I am though! I have dh but no one else. No family at all. I have no one to speak to about anything.

That’s why I don’t understand the way I feel about it.

Despite the loneliness, I just don’t know if I can go through all the making friends stuff again. I
find it a bit stressful really.

I fully understand what you mean. I've spent most of life thinking people hate me (for no particular reason, they just must) and feeling so lonely. Since I started having counselling for unrelated matters, I've come to realise people don't hate me and that I am worthy of friendship. Not only that, but I have people who seem to be actively encouraging friendships that I've always longer for and yet, I do nothing at all to nurture them. It's almost as though I'm scared I might get "caught out" for not being a nice, friendly person or not good enough after all so it's easier to just let these connections fade out before they begin, whilst simultaneously remaining jealous of other peoples friendships.

OP I think I understand - sounds like you miss having deeper connections with others, and feel like you can’t face all the effort that’s required to nurture new friendships towards that deeper level again.

If so, I’d say there’s no way round it, you can’t really shortcut the process. So it depends how much you want those deeper friendships, whether you’re likely to move again. But also, don’t underestimate the value and pleasure of the early friendships - chatting to people you know nothing about, getting to understand them, the surprise of unexpected common ground.

@Phox

OP I think I understand - sounds like you miss having deeper connections with others, and feel like you can’t face all the effort that’s required to nurture new friendships towards that deeper level again.

If so, I’d say there’s no way round it, you can’t really shortcut the process. So it depends how much you want those deeper friendships, whether you’re likely to move again. But also, don’t underestimate the value and pleasure of the early friendships - chatting to people you know nothing about, getting to understand them, the surprise of unexpected common ground.

We will likely move again in the next few years.

It just little things, like we are decorating the kitchen and I have no one on the face of the earth to just text with “what do you think of this colour?”

I just live most of my life within my head because there is no outlet even for something as mundane as that.

The friends I had before, both sets took about 4 years or so to ingrain into, and twice it was quite hard for me as both groups had significantly more money than me, so I couldn’t join in on a lot of things they did - they were alll lovely, and I was very upfront with what my limits were with cash etc, that wasn’t the issue, but I did feel like an outsider sometimes, although it was me who did the home based drinks etc.

Everyone always says they will keep in touch when you move, but it’s never happened for me, it all fizzled out after a few months of texts, both times.

Do you think you might be a bit depressed OP?

@Lockedoorsopen

Do you think you might be a bit depressed OP?

No, I’m not depressed.

I’m just lonely and a shit start in life with friendships makes everything that little bit tougher.

Can you not be arsed because of the anxiety and perhaps expectation that comes with friendship? That’s my issue. I have friends but I find it really stressful to make sure they stay my friends. I learned as a child how now to be bullied was to try and make people like me so I don’t feel safe showing these people the real me because I feel I’ll be rejected.

Saying that I do have 3 good friends now who I feel know the real me. The rest I have to put on an act with and it’s quite anxiety inducing.

The patterm of moving every few years is really unhelpful to someone such as yourself to whom this friendship business doesn't come easily. No doubt part of you thinks 'what is the point of putting in the effort if it'll end up the same way as other friendships'. And it probably will. So my advice first of all would be to stop moving around so much if this is important to you. And to all of you in the family. Having just the nuclear family to draw in is not something I would want for me OR my children or spouse. You need time to put down roots and bed things in and go through different stages of life with people. Where I live, some of my mum friends have indeed turned into what I think will be lifelong friends, long after the playdate stage has passed. We have supported each other through bereavements and seperations and illnesses and all sorts. Truthfully, I have older friends or friends with whom I am more naturally simpatico, but these local friends (for want of a better phrase) are brilliant too and I value them so highly.

You're probably in a bit of rut. You've been without friends for so long that having to go through the rigmarole of making them seems like a lot of hassle. You'd like to be at the endpoint of having a friendship group. And that's understandable! But making friends is like internet dating, you only really click with 1 in 50 people, so you just need to keep chugging away.

Are you in work/planning to go back to work? I've always made one good friend at (nearly) every workplace. I know you've gravitated towards solo working in the past but it is a good way to meet a friend.

@theleafandnotthetree

The patterm of moving every few years is really unhelpful to someone such as yourself to whom this friendship business doesn't come easily. No doubt part of you thinks 'what is the point of putting in the effort if it'll end up the same way as other friendships'. And it probably will. So my advice first of all would be to stop moving around so much if this is important to you. And to all of you in the family. Having just the nuclear family to draw in is not something I would want for me OR my children or spouse. You need time to put down roots and bed things in and go through different stages of life with people. Where I live, some of my mum friends have indeed turned into what I think will be lifelong friends, long after the playdate stage has passed. We have supported each other through bereavements and seperations and illnesses and all sorts. Truthfully, I have older friends or friends with whom I am more naturally simpatico, but these local friends (for want of a better phrase) are brilliant too and I value them so highly.

There’s been no choice in the moves. First big one was for my exh job in my early 20s, then another move when we divorced in my early 30s, now two years ago because me and dh were priced out of where we had been living. We move somewhere we could afford to buy this time, as a head over heart move to get us on the ladder with a renovation that was a no brainer. But it’s not somewhere we want to be long term.

I’ve lived in place about 8 years each, and not had much option to stay, mainly for financial
reasons. It would be lovely to stay in one place!

@MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake

You're probably in a bit of rut. You've been without friends for so long that having to go through the rigmarole of making them seems like a lot of hassle. You'd like to be at the endpoint of having a friendship group. And that's understandable! But making friends is like internet dating, you only really click with 1 in 50 people, so you just need to keep chugging away.

Are you in work/planning to go back to work? I've always made one good friend at (nearly) every workplace. I know you've gravitated towards solo working in the past but it is a good way to meet a friend.

I was working until we moved here, but I was working on my own (nursing in a small residential until at night).

I run a little sideline business that I will start ramping up as my youngest gets older.

@MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake

You're probably in a bit of rut. You've been without friends for so long that having to go through the rigmarole of making them seems like a lot of hassle. You'd like to be at the endpoint of having a friendship group. And that's understandable! But making friends is like internet dating, you only really click with 1 in 50 people, so you just need to keep chugging away.

Are you in work/planning to go back to work? I've always made one good friend at (nearly) every workplace. I know you've gravitated towards solo working in the past but it is a good way to meet a friend.

True that, I started a new job 3 years ago, in my mid 40s and have made one really wonderful friend from it who I love dearly. I get on great with my boss too and do consider her a friend but obviously the dynamic is different there. So it's never too late!

You sound a bit as if you're still grieving for the friendships you lost when you moved. And you're protecting yourself from the future grief when you know you will have to move on by not starting again.

Is there any way to rekindle and continue a couple of the friendships you had to leave? Now that we're all into online socialising, could you make contact with a couple of them for a "Zoom get-together" or some such? That might make new friendships seem more worthwhile, if you know you wont totally lose them all again.

Just following up on your comment OP about your reasons for moving, anticipating you'll move again, etc. I'd say that's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. You don't see yourself long term in a place because you haven't got the people based connections and you don't have the people based connections because you don't stay long enough or mentally have one foot out the door. There are some good reasons for me to move elsewhere but what keeps me here partly are the people and the friendships we all have which have been built up over a long time.

Maybe you just enjoy your own company? Nothing wrong with that.

Do you think you might have a fear of commiting to those relationships? You might find it hard to trust and open up to people. There is a vulnerability that comes with asking someone do they want to go for coffee or the playground next week. You'd have to take a risk of being rejected.
But look at the price you are paying to ensure your feelings won't be hurt. It's understandable because you've been hurt before. Why don't you experiment with you inviting someone or suggesting something? You might be surprised at how that changes the dynamic. It'd be you actively moving towards friendship, rather than waiting and hoping someone else does that job for you.

Sorry, my last comment sounded very critical, I didn't mean it to be and I know the moving a fair bit thing isn't the only reason you are having difficulties in forming and keeping friendships.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

You sound a bit as if you're still grieving for the friendships you lost when you moved. And you're protecting yourself from the future grief when you know you will have to move on by not starting again.

Is there any way to rekindle and continue a couple of the friendships you had to leave? Now that we're all into online socialising, could you make contact with a couple of them for a "Zoom get-together" or some such? That might make new friendships seem more worthwhile, if you know you wont totally lose them all again.

I know what you mean - but not really. I don’t miss them as such, like I said, it’s was all very superficial, even after 4 years as I don’t seem to be able to move past that!

There were one or two who were a little closer who I did keep in touch with, but I had an incident last year and they disagreed with how I did something (it was a medical injury), so haven’t spoken me since. It was quite hurtful, but that’s not to say it’s put me off friendships - these past couple of years has taken its toll on people and it was a vaccine injury, so people’s emotions do run high over that. So I understand their point of view.

Everyone always says they will stay in touch. But when you move a distance away, people think you have started a new life and don’t need them and meanwhile, theirs carries on as before. I think unless you are very close friends, staying in touch doesn’t always work out.

Would it help to view making new friends a project for 2022 - bit like deciding to learn a language with duolingo or train for a half marathon ? You know putting in the work will be hard, but its for an end goal. Make yourself make lots of effort between now and the summer and then reassess if you have managed to find anyone you click with.

@irene9

Do you think you might have a fear of commiting to those relationships? You might find it hard to trust and open up to people. There is a vulnerability that comes with asking someone do they want to go for coffee or the playground next week. You'd have to take a risk of being rejected. But look at the price you are paying to ensure your feelings won't be hurt. It's understandable because you've been hurt before. Why don't you experiment with you inviting someone or suggesting something? You might be surprised at how that changes the dynamic. It'd be you actively moving towards friendship, rather than waiting and hoping someone else does that job for you.

Oh that’s not the issue - I’d do that in a heartbeat. I’m very friendly. I make sure my children have lots of friends, lots of sleepovers etc, I am really friendly to people at my dds school, I’ve made sure she’s had a good experience since moving here (lockdown aside) by giving other parents my number to arrange play dates etc.

I’m not scared of rejection, people like me.

It’s just me that’s the issue at the moment!

And I do like my own company a lot. There’s just sometimes where I see other people having fun together where I think “I really want that”. but I seem to have a block on actually doing it!

I can’t work myself out

True that, I started a new job 3 years ago, in my mid 40s and have made one really wonderful friend from it who I love dearly. I get on great with my boss too and do consider her a friend but obviously the dynamic is different there. So it's never too late!

Same! Work friends can be ace!

What is it that you mean by the ‘hassle’ of making friends, OP?

Because you sound to me considerably more self-aware and confident than most people who post these kinds of post, where it’s usually very obvious why they struggle socially — have you simply been unlucky in the places you’ve lived recently?

Like you, I had some adverse early experiences with friendship, and have timid, socially-awkward parents who brought me up with some very odd ideas about friendships, but I found my feet at university, am now socially confident and in my 40s have good friends, despite also moving a lot. But one place I lived for eight years made me the loneliest I’ve ever been — I did all the right things, but it was insular and uninterested. The kind of people who lived there found me too odd, too foreign etc.

What kind of people would you like in your life?