I’m really lonely but I can’t be arsed to make friends

[Sloughsabigplace]

Ugh, what is wrong with me?

First off, I’m not great at “being” friends. I was bullied from when I first started infants (I was the wrong colour for the place I lived), and right though school for various other reasons even when we moved to a big city. So I missed out on learning ‘how’ to have friends as a child and more importantly, as a teenager. After I left school, I always made sure I took jobs where I mainly worked on my own, or as a short term temp so I was only ever at one place a week at a time, so never had work friends when I was young. So that’s not on my side.

I am 42 now.

I am friendly. I seem to attract people, I’m funny, warm, kind (and really modest). I’ve had three children since my early 20s, when ever I’ve gone to baby groups, people want to speak to me. I talk back, meet up. I twice made groups of friends when my older two were little, really nice people, met up without children, nights out etc, but two
really long distance moves meant they fizzled out. And they weren’t close close friends. No one I could really speak to, it was just superficial really -
I never learned how to get past that stage of friendships and I just can’t seem to do it - but I had lots of fun.

I find friendships really stressful now in the fact that I just can’t be bothered to do it all over again. But I’m so lonely. I again moved two years ago across the country, my third big move.

My youngest is 17 months, I do the playgroup thing again and a couple of other parents have started speaking to me. They are really nice, but I just don’t want to take it any further.

One asked yesterday if I wanted to meet for coffee one weekend, 5 years ago i would have immediately suggested a date, yesterday I just said “mmmmmm” and smiled.

I miss having a stupid laugh with people. But when it comes down to it, I don’t want the hassle of making friends again.

Anyone else feel the same?

@Farrandau

What is it that you mean by the ‘hassle’ of making friends, OP?

Because you sound to me considerably more self-aware and confident than most people who post these kinds of post, where it’s usually very obvious why they struggle socially — have you simply been unlucky in the places you’ve lived recently?

Like you, I had some adverse early experiences with friendship, and have timid, socially-awkward parents who brought me up with some very odd ideas about friendships, but I found my feet at university, am now socially confident and in my 40s have good friends, despite also moving a lot. But one place I lived for eight years made me the loneliest I’ve ever been — I did all the right things, but it was insular and uninterested. The kind of people who lived there found me too odd, too foreign etc.

What kind of people would you like in your life?

I don’t think I even know what I mean by that

Take one of the women at the playgroup. Our babies are the same age, she seems really nice. We’ve swapped numbers, text a few times over christmas when the babies have been unwell. She’s asked if I want to go for a walk with the children one weekend and have coffee.

I know I should jump at it. She’s very nice, although a lot quieter than me (that doesn’t explain it well, I’m not in your face loud, but I can hold a good conversation and I really like a laugh and a joke).

I just can’t seem to commit to get anything going.

And I know people say “mum” friends aren’t the be all and end all, but before I had my first when I was 23, I didn’t really have any friends, so the ones I made at playgroups were amazing, same as when I had my second ten years later.

So I honestly thought this time i’d do it again, start going to groups and just find friends again. But I can’t bring myself to do it. And I don’t know why. And it’s annoying me.

Maybe you need more than 'really nice' to feel motivated enough to make actual friends?

I know I'm often a bit taken aback by the 'anyone will do as long as they have a pulse and are "nice"' attitude on threads about making friends (mostly from well-meaning people responding to the poster, sometimes offering to PM her themselves and meet up if local), but I certainly need more than that.

I have difficulty with friendships.
I kind of want them but don't, which is confusing.
I'm extremely private and don't trust people easily so that doesn't help.

Dear OP, is it possible it's not really can't be arsed-ness on its own that you feel? Given the pattern you experienced of, once you have moved away, those friendships tend to dwindle to nothing - it could also be the the awareness that you are running a high risk of losing those friendships if and when (as seems likely) you will have to move on again. Lots of things come at some personal risk, actively trying to make new friends as an adult surely does. Feeling that you are quite likely to experience the loss of them, if past patterns repeat themselves, makes it a high personal risk. For every bit of fun and trust in a friendship you experience, that would make it just that bit sadder when the friendship comes to a conclusion.

Quite what you do about that, I don't know personally. Others have already posted lots of good sense. My own experience having moved about a lot (and not actually being that much of a people person) and feeling lonely - I just got lucky with meeting a nice woman at work and now we see each other every couple of weeks. I got the benefit though of not wondering if I am going to have to move away and say goodbye - unlike your good self. I feel there is a lot of luck in it. I did try to make friends years ago via a dedicated online penpal-to-friend type thing, and had a long correspondence with one woman who on paper was just like me - then met her and her husband with my husband and honestly they liked my ol' man much better than me. I wasn't that disappointed as I found her (and him) a little strange too! But good luck!

The woman who asked to go for coffee is probably lonely too.

@SpacePotato

The woman who asked to go for coffee is probably lonely too.

Yes, but that doesn't make the foundation for an actual friendship.

I totally get it op.

I think it is honest and useful that you recognise you just can't be arsed to put the effort into building and maintaining friendships. In your case, the reward is not worth the cost.

You sound like a great acquaintance, but for deeper and lasting friendships you would need to to be more available in every sense. If you aren't, you aren't, and at least you aren't wasting anyone's time this way.

It could be that you are holding back from making the extra effort as a pattern of protection that was helpful to survive when you were younger but is now interfering in your ability to develop friendships.
Ditch the idea that it's effortful and believe that friendship can be easy. A lot of experience is governed by our expectations.

I honestly missed out on so much learning about friendships as a child/teen.

My eldest is almost 20, and especially in his teenage years, I’ve seen him learn about himself, other people and how to react to others through the usual falling outs, arguments and making up that comes with teenage friendships.

I never had any of that. No one spoke to me, other than to be an arse or take the mick all the way though secondary school. I was ignored mostly and spent most of my time hiding at home skiving or hiding in the loos in between lessons and at lunch. I didn’t have teenage nights out or anything like that.

So I do realise that I missed out on a huge learning curve that most people take for granted which obviously skews how I am now with friendships and my inability to take them past a superficial level.

It’s not like I expect to be bullied, or I think all people are terrible or anything - I always realised that it wasn’t me, it was them, my self esteem is actually really good considering. It’s just that I missed out on the usual things that teach you about friendships because I never had any.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I moved alot as a child , went to lots of school. I had no idea that people stayed in touch with people until I was in my 20s . I just assumed you left somewhere and that was it.

I've been part of various groups of friends depending on the life stage, but never kept it up long term. There's always someone's who's a twat, someone bitchy etc. I just can't be doing with the pretence of it all.

DH has lots of friends and is always out, but I just don't get much out of it.

I like the idea of friends , but not the reality.

I have a very popular friend (well, she's married to one of DHs friends). I've observed what she does - stays in touch with everyone , always remembers birthdays etc, turns up to every invite , and is nice to everyone's face like she genuinely likes them when I know she doesn't always. Example , moaned to me about school mum. She was boring etc. Said school mum moved far away so I assumed contact would end. That's what I would have done. Not so, she drove down and spent the day with her. Its baffling. I just figure if that's how friendship works, the. I CBA because how do you know if people are genuine?

I get it. Am similar age as you and have moved lots in the last few years. It's tough - I've always made friends but the process of moving has been me a bit more reticent. I've had some bad news when it comes to my health and I have honestly phone one of my friends who lives abroad and I havent seen in a while. I do know a few people where we live now but it's not the same. It takes time to get to know people and to trust that they will be around. In your 40s, you know that people move away and things change but we need to get stronger at putting down roots or its lonely out there. And this is speaking as someone with a lovely DH, kids, parents etc but still - being blessed with a friend who can just pop over and just sit with you when you've been told you might have cancer is so important. Dont know but it really struck me this week that I need that. so this year's resolution is to definitely put more roots down where we're now

I would go a stage further than @MargosKaftan… can you find a project for 2022 and just “be around people” without the sole aim of making friends? I think if you’re focused on making friends, there’s pressure, there’s anxiety, and the relationships feel more intense because you’re round each other’s houses, in coffee meets etc. Whereas if you’re learning a language/ running/ doing pottery (or whatever) you’re all doing something, ideally a bit collaborative but not too intense, and friendships might form naturally that way. Also, if you move a lot, and have a hobby that translate well online, don’t underestimate the value of online friendships. Some of my closest friends live on the other side of the world and I’ve never met them in person, but we speak once a week on video call, message loads, and send each other cards for special events. They’re every bit as close as friends I made in my own cities. Good luck! (from another regular mover)

You can read up about making friends. Not too late to learn if you really wanted to.

But to me, sounds like you dont really want to.
And that that overrides your feelings of being lonely.
Which is all fine. Your choice.

I do wonder if you have been sabotaging yourself. But again, up to you.

It’a just really hard to work out.

I mean, I do get awfully lonely. I’ve had some really tough things happen in my life and every one of them, I’ve been through alone (I mean, dh has been here, but he’s been with the children while I’ve been at hospitals etc and he’s not the greatest person in the world at being compassionate or understanding).

So I see people with their friends and I look at them and think “man, I’d love that”.

But then the effort you have to put in.

I’m a forensic mental health nurse by trade and I’ve done so many courses in the past where I’ve learned about how the brain works etc.

There was a point where I taught myself how to interact with people. I’m far from self centred, but I never learned to take an interest in others because I spent so much of my childhood/adolescence socially isolated.

So say if someone asked how I was, I would tell them but just wouldn’t think to ask them anything in return - partly because if I’m honest, I just wasn’t interested, and partly because I had never learned the give and take of conversation.

So I spent time “training” myself to ask questions back, give the correct positive signals, mirroring etc. Which is why people do get drawn to me, I think! I give out really friendly and positive vibes because I spent so long training myself to fo it! It just happens now without me having to think.

People never believe me when I tell them just how little interaction I had when I was young. I was totally ignored at school, students and teachers, and lived with a single (widowed) parent who worked all the shifts going to keep a roof over our heads. School holidays, I was totally alone in the house while they worked double shifts and would never see or speak to another soul for weeks on end.

It was hard having to teach myself how to interact properly as an adult. I’ve had it down for the past 15 years or so now, so it’s no longer exhausting or something I have to think about doing a lot.

It’s fine to just be friendly with people. I see lots of people socially. None of them are going to turn round and say I’m their best friend. Most of them will only vaguely know when my birthday is. I’m happy with that. I like distance. I just don’t have the capacity to have deep relationships with many people. I get that it means I’d potentially struggle with who to turn to in a crisis, but I’ve made peace with that. Do you think you’ve put friendship on a bit of a pedestal? Friends don’t have to be people who know your life inside out and vice verse - a lot of people aren’t looking for that.

It sounds really tiring though, OP. Trying to act social and give all those social cues and think about them all the time.
Have you had one friendship that really mattered to you? What was that person like and how did you meet?
I agree with PPs that if you know you’ll be moving again it kind of makes any friendships you make now at risk of being lost again.
I’ve done big moves too, for work and for economic reasons, and I’ve lost a lot of friendships through them fizzling out.
The easiest way to make friends is probably through work and school run/neighbours. Because those are daily regular habits that you don’t have to think so much about.
You could also think about doing an online group if that’s of interest. Lots of things are still going ahead on zoom like choirs, games, book clubs etc. But this may not be your bag.

@AliceW89

It’s fine to just be friendly with people. I see lots of people socially. None of them are going to turn round and say I’m their best friend. Most of them will only vaguely know when my birthday is. I’m happy with that. I like distance. I just don’t have the capacity to have deep relationships with many people. I get that it means I’d potentially struggle with who to turn to in a crisis, but I’ve made peace with that. Do you think you’ve put friendship on a bit of a pedestal? Friends don’t have to be people who know your life inside out and vice verse - a lot of people aren’t looking for that.

This is part of why I struggle.

I’m actually quite private person. So I don’t think I know what I’m looking for from a friendship.

I’d just like a bit of fun! My husband is quite serious, we don’t have the same sense of humour.

I would just love someone to have a laugh with to
be honest. The loneliness really hits sometimes when I see something funny, or I take a photo of something funny i’ve seen and I realise there is no one to share it with.

It sounds really tiring though, OP. Trying to act social and give all those social cues and think about them all the time.

It was at first, but now it just happens.I don’t really have to think. I am very social. When we moved here, we got involved in a few local activities though my middle child with the local
churches, I can speak to anyone, start up conversations etc without thinking now.
I’m not religious at all, but I manage to fit in.

I’ve met some lovely people through those
things but no one I’ve clicked with.

When I say I’m very social - actually I’m not I do prefer being alone, but it’s important for the children so I go along to all this stuff and while
I do enjoy it mostly while I am there, In the back
of my mind I am thinking about my blanket on the sofa!

Have you had one friendship that really mattered to you?

No, sadly. I mean, I’ve had many friends in my time that have come and gone. But never a close friend. No one who I actually miss or think about years on.

I relate to this too OP. I have made friends in my life and still do have friends I like a lot, but I have to make myself organise things and meet up. I crave time on my own and when it comes time to meet up I often wish I hadn’t agreed to because I just want to be alone - but then I do want friends too.

And I agree making new friends is such an investment of effort. A few years ago I got chatting to another school mum and we really hit it off, or seemed to. Then she became really full on, wanted our DC to be best mates (wasn’t happening), kept making out I was her best mate after a few weeks, I felt suffocated and froze her out, which is horrible but I couldn’t cope with it.

I think I found it easier when I was younger and just did more social stuff/hobbies etc so could get those interactions and laughter and hanging out with people, without having to “pursue” friendships. I wfh and am busy as a single parent so don’t do all that stuff, but doing things with people is a good way to bond and find people you click with.

It’s one reason I love MN - though it’s anonymous and you’re not making friends as such, it means I get to chat to like minded people and makes me laugh.

@AliceW89 - your post is spot on.