I’m really lonely but I can’t be arsed to make friends

[Sloughsabigplace]

Ugh, what is wrong with me?

First off, I’m not great at “being” friends. I was bullied from when I first started infants (I was the wrong colour for the place I lived), and right though school for various other reasons even when we moved to a big city. So I missed out on learning ‘how’ to have friends as a child and more importantly, as a teenager. After I left school, I always made sure I took jobs where I mainly worked on my own, or as a short term temp so I was only ever at one place a week at a time, so never had work friends when I was young. So that’s not on my side.

I am 42 now.

I am friendly. I seem to attract people, I’m funny, warm, kind (and really modest). I’ve had three children since my early 20s, when ever I’ve gone to baby groups, people want to speak to me. I talk back, meet up. I twice made groups of friends when my older two were little, really nice people, met up without children, nights out etc, but two
really long distance moves meant they fizzled out. And they weren’t close close friends. No one I could really speak to, it was just superficial really -
I never learned how to get past that stage of friendships and I just can’t seem to do it - but I had lots of fun.

I find friendships really stressful now in the fact that I just can’t be bothered to do it all over again. But I’m so lonely. I again moved two years ago across the country, my third big move.

My youngest is 17 months, I do the playgroup thing again and a couple of other parents have started speaking to me. They are really nice, but I just don’t want to take it any further.

One asked yesterday if I wanted to meet for coffee one weekend, 5 years ago i would have immediately suggested a date, yesterday I just said “mmmmmm” and smiled.

I miss having a stupid laugh with people. But when it comes down to it, I don’t want the hassle of making friends again.

Anyone else feel the same?

@purpleme12 fancy a coffee? (Actually tea. I don't drink coffee!).

Your feelings are completely normal OP.
‘Making friends’ never used to be an activity.
People lived their lives, went to work, church etc and met people in the course of doing so.

Going to events just to make friends requires a lot of effort for maintenance, and the people whom you click with somehow always end up moving away.

I too want close friends I can tell everything to, but it’s so tiring. I’ve just tried to do stuff I enjoy and leave the friends part to fate…

You cant be bothered. So stop trying.
Being lifelong friends, or even casual friends takes effort, and you cant be bothered.

I'm the same OP . I find alot of people are unpleasant beyond acquaintance level and I can't be bothered with the effort of it all.

I figure that some people need that connection with others , and some don't. I am definitely the type that doesn't. Nothing wrong with either , it's just we've been fed the belief that we should want lots of friends.

I accept feeling lonely sometimes as the downside of my choice not to pursue friendships. I feel the effort it would take is not worth it to not feel lonely occassioanlly.

The Daily Fail are currently running an article on this thread.

As someone who finds it difficult to make friends myself, my advice to you would be to throw yourself in the direction of any opportunity to do things outside the home. I'm talking about things like helping out with the school PTA, getting involved in community groups, volunteering e.g. litter picking or whatever. Think about what kind of things are important to you and look for those kinds of groups because then you're more likely to find someone you hit it off with & have shared interests with.
You have already acknowledged that it can take time to create that easy, trusting friendship with someone, so perhaps you need to pretend that's not the reason why you're putting yourself out there so it doesn't get in the way of forming genuine connections.
I think somebody else has already suggested that you should seek help to deal with your childhood trauma and I think that would be a good way to go to help you understand yourself and move forward.

To make friends has to be a 2 way thing. You were invited for coffee and said no. If it was me asking is never ask again. You need to put a bit of effort in, they don’t just happen. You have young kids which really help, invite a mum to park, soft play, swimming. I have 2 very good friends who I work with and have kid’s the same age so we went to kid friendly places, kids played while we chatted. They don’t happen instantly

Is there any chance you could be autistic? I discovered I am just before Christmas, at age 41! Your story has such a familiar tone, and thought I’d mention it, just in case.
An awful lot more adults, especially women, are currently discovering that they are autistic. I only realised due to doing research on it for my daughter, who was diagnosed age 13, 2 weeks before me 😂 It’s quite liberating, because I know none of the issues I’ve always had are my fault, or anything I’m doing wrong. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 37, but that didn’t explain it all for me. Now I know! Xx

I was just about to make a similar comment about being autistic. You sound like me. I'm not diagnosed, but I think I would be if I got it looked into.