My Mothers health worries

[52andblue]

I live 375m from my Mother.
This is not a coincidence.
She was neglectful when I was young.
However... she has told me she has some health concerns.

She is now 82, until recently in good health.
Some health anxiety re Covid but not apart from this.
(she is double jabbed & boosted but still disinfecting shopping)

She seems sharp enough mentally, a bit forgetful but age appropriate.
She has had 'some narrowing of hte back passage for a while but GP just tells me to use Seno-kot which I do but I only 'go' every 4/5 days so I am in quite a lot of pain, hurts to sit down etc'.
More worryingly she tells me she has lost 1-2st in the last few months and is permanantly thirsty. She is extremely tired. She only gets dressed once a week to go shopping with her H. She sits outside in the car whilst he gets a few bits in. Then she has to lie down for 2 days.
I have told her that sudden weight loss, extreme fatigue & unquenchable thirst should be investigated. She says GP's are not seeing people for months, anyway she''ll get passed to 'that foreign man' (oh, yes, did I mention she is racist?) who told me to take Senokot' so whats the point. She won't go to A&E as 'its not A&E matter'. She won't even go to ask at the Pharmacist in case she catches Covid.

I am a long way away. I could travel (not easy for me, I am a Carer for my 2 kids) but she probably wouldn't let me in as I will have been on dirty trains, so I think that's pointless.

Not sure what I am asking really sorry.
But would you be concerned about a 1+st weight loss, thirst & fatigue to this extent? I wondered about diabetes, or thyroid issues?

Yes, I would be very concerned. If it were my mum she'd be in my car in the way to the gp. But yours is a very different situation and I'm not sure what you can do about it to be honest. Can you speak to her husband and see if he can sort something out? Or are there any other family members close by, like a sibling of hers, who could do something?

Her H wants to take her to the GP's surgery and 'sit there until they do something'. But she refuses to get in the car (she has form for being a bit of a 'martyr' but may also not feel 'up to a fight' as she sees it tbf)

I can't speak to a GP on her behalf (she wont tell me who her GP is)
I could travel from Scotland, across London, down to Kent where she is, but she might well shut the door in my face citing Covid worries so that seems a bit pointless (I do care even if I find her frustrating)

No other rellies that I know of

Sounds like diabetes, but could be many things.

Ask her husband to ring the GP on her behalf, or ask him who it is and you ring.
You could also ask Social Services for advice.

she's probably well aware of "what it could be" by the time a person reaches 82 they have many friends and families who have passed this stage in life.
be encouraging of follow up with her concerns and be supportive.

If shes in England and over 80 (which she is), I'm pretty sure that she is entitled to a home visit by a doctor. You might need to insist but that's what the rules are. A relative discovered the rule and arranged one for her awkward mother! Could her husband arrange that?

Her husband would tell you who her gp is, wouldn't he? If he is concerned. GP won't discuss her case but they might have some advice like the home visit I spoke about above.

thanks all.
Not sure her H is any help re GP.
He didn't know who I was when I called earlier (despite my calling last month). He 'got it' once I'd explained but immediately passed me over to my Mother (longstanding habit) so I can't 'get anything out of him' solo.

Do people think diabetes most likely?

sorry, I know it's impossible to 'diagnose' over the internet so I'm not really asking for that, just confirmation I guess that it could be diabetes, or thyroid type thing which could cause liver / kidney issues if not treated?

Sounds very much like diabetes tbh with the thirst and weight loss. She needs to be seen by a doctor ASAP. So sorry you're in this awful position 😞

Diabetes nor thyroid are not my first thoughts. I’d consider with the bowel issues cancer.

Update:

After 2 phone calls and 3 (short) emails my Mother has refused any intervention by me and has told me not to visit.

Apparantly her husband and my half brother 'look after her very well and any visit from me is quite unnecessary'.

Her husband is now 88 and didn't know who I was last time he answered the phone (I call every month).
My half brother stopped speaking to me 20 years ago when I went to the Police about CSA as 'you've upset Mum'.

I think there is the real possiblity that I won't be updated until it's too late / a funeral (possibly even then).
I'm really sad - it's been difficult at times but she IS my Mother.
But I am not sure what else I can do at this point.

Do you want to rebuild a relationship with your mum? With you saying you only call once a month, and a history of abuse in the family, I'm assuming you're very low contact? I appreciate it's a difficult decision, you're torn between not wanting her to come to harm, but also protecting yourself from emotional harm.

If you do, then start calling much more often and she might open up to you more, and trust you to help.

No one can make a diagnosis over the internet, but I'd be far more concerned about cancer than thyroid or diabetes.

I think you've done all you can and I wouldn't travel unless you really think you can get her into the car yourself and take her for a check up. My Mum is similar, she is always moaning (nothing I'm worried about though). I often suggest the doctor (she'd rule them all out because she doesn't think x being from a certain culture will understand us, y doesn't listen, z hates her), pharmacist is a no as it's a doctor she needs!!

Some people have a great relationship with their Mums, but sadly it's not the same for all of her - I know it's not easy. The only thing you could consider if a break away near to your parents in say a month's time - not to encourage her to get help, but just so you can pop in for a coffee and say hello - that way at least you've seen her.

I have tried to 'build a relationship' with her all my life.

I call once a month, email about the same.
She has not called me for 10+ years and it was never regular before.
She sends 2 line replies to emails.
She doesnt send Xmas or Birthday cards any more. She used to,
sometimes, to the kids who are 15 & 18 (she has met maybe 5 times always me taking them to her)
Last time we travelled from Scotland, across London & down to Kent to see her (I am physically disabled and both kids have Autism).

She came to meet us at the station (her husband drove her). Said we couldn't go the 10m back to theirs for a cuppa (as previously agreed by email) as 'not enough room in the car'. So her H drove home and she & I and kids walked the 2m into town. She refused a tearoom / icecream on a bench. So we trailed along the High St (teens pretty miserable & tired as we had bags with us & it'd been a long journey). An hour later she got on the bus home. We went to our Premier Inn. Travelled back to London the next day and thus back up to Scotland.
I'd not put the kids through that again. I was planning on going myself but it's entirely possible she might shut the door in my face, citing Covid. It's a long way to go for that. (and more 'rejection' I guess?)

I think I need to write to my half brother and tell him I'm worried for her heath and ask him to keep me updated / message me if any developments. As I am the 'black sheep' of the family (due to CSA) its possible he won't but there is not much I can do about that really.

I have an extremely difficult mother too and the whole "you've only got one mother, she's still your mother" stuff does my head in!! 🤪😄

Is she piddling loads too? Everything else sounds very diabetes like, her being in the toilet more than usual is the missing piece (unless I've skim read wrongly)

More than likely at that age it tends to be type two (maturity onset) diabetes which is controlled either mostly by diet or tablets. It's generally not massively difficult to control if you know what it is and she complies with treatment. If this is what it is, she'll feel a zillion percent better once it's sorted out which might not take very long. There might be a way of seeing the practice nurse or keep well clinic who can do the relevant tests and get a diagnosis. I know there is in Scotland so guessing thst there's similar south of the border.

I've decided I'm going to write to my half brother. There is no point doing an 800 mile round trip if the door will be shut in my face (very likely). If I find out who her GP is and call them and she finds out she'll never speak to me again. So I'll write and explain my concerns and ask him to keep me informed.

Well, I wrote to my brother yesterday. posted 4pm from Scotland.

I just got a text from his wife:
'My husband & I went to Town Health Centre yesterday and got an appoinment for (mother) on Thurs pm. Its a phone call from her own GP so we'll see what happens from there'. No need for you to come down. We would always let you know if anything happens to either of them. We phone her but don't see her becasue of Covid. Not seeing her till now we realised how ill she is. You don't need to come down we will let you know"

Well...
I am surprised that they have 'just suddenly' realised 'how ill' she is. Brother lives 5miles away from parents. I am not reassured 'they will let me know' as 'Dad' had a major stroke some years back & I wasnt told for about a year after when it was casually mentioned.

So her GP will be on the phone. Lets hope she doesnt minimise it and gets an actual appointment / some screening if necessary.

From what you say, OP, she shuts everyone out. She's stubborn, has her own ideas about how to be independent & close-minded. This isn't really anyone's fault, a lot of people become fixed in their ways and their best efforts (at life) are mediocre. You've done all you could, don't feel bad about it. You could try to offer support to the Husband -- think about what you can do in this situation now what you can't do.

An older person in DH's family has what looks like a giant melanoma on his head he refuses to seek medical opinion. I pushed a bit to encourage seeing a GP he won't. It's his call, he has the right to follow a path that seems obviously not in his best interests -- obvious to me, but he's the one who simply does not want those decisions or that information. That is his right, too.

@lljkk Hi, yes that is a very good point. LIke your relative with a possible giant carcinoma (sorry that sounds awful...) there is nothing can be done if the person themselves 'doesnt want to know'. And I agree they have every right to take that stance if they wish to shut their eyes/ears etc. I had an Aunt who got Cancer. Didn't tell anyone in the family, no one at all. Until it was too late and she had no choice. But that was her choice, and how she wanted to handle it.

I had a reply. Not from my Brother but my SIL. Told me not to travel.
I started a new thread about it as there is a bit of a backstory to it all.

I just called my Mother.
She says she saw the GP F2F yesterday. He's 'very concered about the weight loss & thinks something might have been missed at the hospital' (me: um, Hospital? 'oh, years ago, you don't need to know')

apparently, he ordered 2 lots of blood tests at his practice, 1 this morning, then she was to go home and 'take some medicine from a big bottle that was waiting for me when I got home' and then some more this afternoon'. She was evasive about the name of the meds or the GP. Said she would ' email in a few weeks if any more info'.

I'm sorry about your mother, but you need to take a massive step back. She doesn't want help and she can make her own choices. At least she has finally seen a doctor. You have done more than enough.

@Aquamarine1029
Yes I guess I can take a step back now she's seen a GP.
My Brother didnt even know she was ill, and her H gets very muddled (he's 88) so really someone needed to push her to see the GP.
I am glad that has happened. Yes of course she can make her own choices but she is still my Mother so I can still care & try to support her.

UPDATE:

I've been calling weekly. Supporting her going back to GP /chasing up tests.
Sent flowers & a gift for Mothering Sunday.
Called a week ago - she was due a scan. Said she'd update me (but confused)
Called today. Spoke to Dad (92 confused, on various tablets)
GP did a home visit to 'discuss results of scan' (Dad 'thinks she has cancer')
She collapsed when being collected for (further?) scan (Dad confused)
Has been in hospital for a week.
There has been a letter arrive during that time.
Dad tried to read it but is not very literate so struggled (& no smartphone etc)
Mass in pelvis. Lesion in right lung. Lesion in sacrum / ileac joint.
'suspicious for metasteses' (sp?)
I called the hospital. Nurse finally came back to phone & said: 'your mum says shes comfortable'. Couldn't tell me when they'll discharge. Dad says some mobility stuff was delivered this morning so her 'expects her back tomorrow'.
I've no idea if there is a discharge plan / any support available for them.
My half brother lives 6m from them but has visited neither of them in last week so is worse than useless (nor did he let me know she was in hospital)

Cancer itself would be distressing enough but it is all the more so because you seem to have a family that refuses to discuss important things.

Some personality traits are really difficult to deal with. I think you're doing everything you possibly can, and with incredible grace.

Is there someone in your life who can support you?